Reasoning

so i read this comment that my mother put up behind my freewrite poem, Underneath a Pile of Bullshit....she seemed to think i was talking negatively or "spreading lies" about her.....what...i speak more on me in this poem than anything....but thats besides the point.....

as i was reading thru her comments, which granted her an exclusive all access pass to the delete room, i couldnt help but laugh......people have been calling and texting all morning....stacy even left me a voicemail crying.....and as i read thru it, i laughed....and smiled....but i think its because i know her, i know us, and they dont.....my mom did her best job to date trying to make my people see the person that she allegedly sees.....and i give her credit...i dont know who it worked on, but its possible it could have....it was very mean.....hateful....wrapped in an i love you sweatervest....but half of it was a lie, part of it was decorated with extra's and the rest had an entire story left off of it....now i originally felt i didnt owe anyone an explanation about it, but i can't help the desire to just clear a few things up....because what she is trying to do is paint me as someone who cares about outsiders more than family.....and its ironic because i just told Gabby last night, the people that like me, see the side of me she wishes existed....and she doesnt like me, so she doesnt see that...i dont go and just hang out with people who dont like me..." and then low and behold, she finally admits it, on facebook of all places.....

i didnt write that poem as an all out assualt on her....that poem is about knowing that no matter what anyone else says or thinks, i know i am a changed woman and still changing....and some areas are not complete...i am a work in progress, but im a work and im progressing nonetheless.....i love my family....but i dont have a family bond with most of them.....and its a very small family.....i refer to my mom and my grandmother as the firing squad, because being with them is just like being in front of one.....they will twist any story around to make it fit their mood.....my mom says i went spending money on tour, when she knows damn well, because i talked to her and she offered to send us money, that i didnt go on tour with ANYTHING....the money i had collected from midtown was spent on the first tour in NC....

my mother claims i have never even so much as given her a card on her birthday or christmas and how much that hurts and i almost gagged on my water....hell i brought in Bashiri on credit to sing to her this past bday....and im not going to go into detail on everything i've ever bought her because its not that serious, but there is absolutely NO truth in that.....there is NO truth in me turning my house into a whore/drug house.....my boyfriend was a drug dealer, yes, but it was NEVER around me....we didnt turn that house into anything....i mean....that particular lie, i dont even know where she got it from.....THATS the kind of stuff that i mean when i left the status comment on facebook saying when your family tells outright bold lies on you, etc...... thats the kind of stuff that makes me write them poems.....

not only why would you say that, but why would you want anyone to think that....my mother was a victim of domestic abuse, but her thoughts on me staying in an abusive relationship are, i'll send him some comminsary, or however that word is spelled, i dont use it.... im going to stop there....but my point of saying that is to show you an example of whats happening.....after reading her comments, if someone feels different about me, then thats cool, but it doesnt mean i havent grown....i have never been afraid of taking my punishment like a woman.....i let my gas get cut off, so i have been braving this cold at home.....not because im looking for sympathy....because i got myself into it and its up to me to figure it out....and i usually do....my mother knows how hard i've looked for a job...but then again, thats a lie...no she doesnt....i dont tell her.....she does know how much i have worked since i've been next door to her...i've had three jobs...when i moved over here, i'd just lost the steady i'd had for the past year....so i tried to take it as a sign in late summer and go hard on poetry....now i'm back looking for a job...its not that easy to get one right now....or maybe its me...but its not from lack of trying....
the same with anything else.....i given a lump sum of money recently to help me get my gas cut on.....i did not ask for it, i did not expect it....i really didnt want it....but i also didnt know what else to do...i wasnt really in the kind of position to turn it down...i felt like it was sign that things were headed upwards again.....and now the gas is on....the furnace is another story, but the gas is on....to those who did that, to those who donated for the tour, PLEASE dont ever think i expect money out of you....i dont...i dont make messes and wait for others to clean them...i sit in the mess until i figure it out....i am messy.....i toss clothes around and maybe will leave a cup out for longer than it should be....sometimes dog toys are everywhere and the carpet needs cleaning....she goes on to tell how she bought both of my computers and i'm using her wireless.....wtf....my desktop was a christmas gift and my laptop was stolen!!!!!! i didnt expect or ask for either of them, but i didnt have either so, i mean...damn...what am i supposed to do....as far as the wireless....please...its been two weeks, IF that long....i have never minded going to the library or the art museum...never....she wanted me to fix her wireless and see if i could get on it at home....now im using her ??  i know i seem to be explaining, but i just ...idk....im really self conscious and thats one of my personal secrets.....so im going to always think someone is thinking, nsay is blah blah blah...idk....its just not what she made it seem and idk...im just like damn...

but if you've ever been a consistent guest at my house, you know how it is when you come over.....and i'll be honest...i havent cleaned since i came back, but that may have something to do more with the temperature of the house than it does with me...my mother claims to have accepted me for who i am, but thats not true.....the most hurtful part of her email is when she said it was my "choice to tell her i was stripper right before she went in for surgery for breast cancer"..... thats hurtful because it proves to me that im right that she just wants to color me bad....i never told my mom....someone else did!!! when i went to visit her AFTER her surgery, she asked me if thats what i was doing....i didnt want to talk about it because of where we were....and to add insult to injury, when i found out my mom had breast cancer, she was going thru radiation....i was the LAST to know....imagine the wedge that drove in between us...then she says that as if i am just this mean spiteful person who has hate in my blood for her....wtf....im hurt, but this aint nothing that will hold me down....
thanks for reading
im done
this will make me stronger
stronger
stronger
and if my pen should run out of ink, let it be said that i really do love my mom and my family....but when ur back's against the wall, who can blame you for coming out swinging.?

from her to me....just so i can always remember.

And the Saga continues, I asked you not to keep speading lies about me, I seen all the memo's in your life from age 12 thats why I tried to get you some help, I love you dearly but enough is enough, it was your choice to run away and tell me on a day I was going to surgery fighting for my life you were a pole dancer, it was your choice to allow ... See Moresome one to stick a gun to your head, you had a home freaking leave,you have never talked to me and you know if you had of told me then I would of done something, like helping him to get a permanant stay at crown hill, you have had the best of every thing, a house on Kessler blvd that you destroyed made a hoe house out of with Devon selling drugs to, I have paid your rent in every place you have lived and my so called man did not get me put out for smoking weed as well as not paying rent., you live next door in a house, I bought for your ass. I pay the damn morgage on, taxes and insurance and was paying the utilities, but you can go on tour and spend money, knowing your old ladies got your damn back, poetry may be something you like and I like your poetry, you are good, but get a freaking job pay your way and get off my back, you are the same person that won't come and help no one in your family. your great grandmother lives with me have you ever offered to comb her hair, bring her a sandwich with out some one asking you to. what have you ever done for any one in your family if you help any one they have to pay you and they help pay your way in life, you the same girl that has never given me a christmas present or birthday, that hurt to know some one you love don't think enough of you to even give you a freaking card, but I remember that you gave Gabby plenty on Christmas and Geno in my house you gave Queen a party on my anniversery where the hell is my card, as I said you are ungratful and every one owes you./I have bought all your cars, paid rent every where you lived, you got the nerve to talk shit about me on my damn internet on one of two computers I bought and you are changed,I provide you with a roof over your head right now, but that is not good enough for you. you have those fake ass friends who won't tell you that you need a job, and clean your freakin house up they want to look at me like I done something to you, AND YOU HELP THEM BUT WHERE IN YOUR STORY HAS ANY OF THOSE SO CALLED FRIENDS HELPED YOU. your imagination is really good, girl you need to be on TV. they should be real and tell you to get a job you been in that house 1 yr and nine months, and you have not had a job in that time either, so WHO NEEDS TO GET THE DAMN MEMO, and on top of that do you have the $300 bucks to fix your furnance, no but you got lip and guess who got to pay for that and another thing you get this memo when you can step into the shoes of a changed woman and pay your way in life, and every one needs some help, but I can't pay for your whole self of being and I should not have too, I have paid my way all my adult life and you were never with out any thing, at least take your ass back to school and complete some of the many things you started. I will never see you hungry or in the streets but it is time you took responsibilty for your self, learn to cut grass. shovel. snow or get a man who will do those thing instead of??????? , now leave this facebook shit alone, I could say so much more but it is not a big deal, but you will not lie on me, and if you got a problem come next door and talk to me,one sided conversation is bull, any of you who comment on the things said between my child and me if it is not positive keep your fucking comment to your damn self. do you hear me TONI BROWN and whom ever else.nice poem even that it is based on lies, spend your time speaking of the women who raised your ass, and learn to speak kindly, no one has ever done any thing but love and except you for who you are, and you feel what you feel cause you are not doing what you should. don't blame it on any one but your self. this family has always stood behind you, and families talk.so do something to stop the talk. pay your own way in life and stop thinking you are entitled to some one else's money.Johnson


on more thing if you was right you would have went and got your gas stove hose and had Bob hook that up you would at least had some heat, but If I don't pay someone you freezing and I bet you don't even have the tac in your poetic blood to thank him. you say the right things in your poetry but we are your family and backbone amd this life is not a ... See Morejoke, have you ever said thanks .but it is a sure thing that you will paste some bullshit on this wall. I think as your mom if you want to continue to make up shit about me, it's gonnas be time for you to hit the streets and then maybe we can get on track. it is almost 5am in the morning It hurts that you continue to lie on me, but the bad part is your friends see that you anin't paying shit no where and they give me grief, I have always treated them all as my kids.love them too. then you got some folk. got the nerve to paste some words, they did not know your mom is on your wall too.Don't write nothing else. last time telloing you you make you focal point some where else or I can go in to details since this is the gossip show. I love you and you need to get some help if you think I am the cxause of your problems. I am not you are. have a goos morning

but I must add if you continue to post your truths that you call them I will call my wireless carrier and have it turned off. I have over 500 real friends whom I visit, and they see this crap it is not happening, you won't use my wireless to express you fabicated thoughts and make me the person whochose your wrong decisions in life. i WILL EXPRESS AGAIN i LOVE YOU, i DO NOT LIKE YOU AND YOUR WAYS. YOU CAME FROM MY ASS, you were the smartest baby God put on the face of the earth, potty trained and walkind 9 months old knew evert nursery ryme and could recite them, in the at program skipped from kindergarden to 2nd grade, you have been a great sourse of comfort to me, but where is my baby. K. if you don't plan on being in a family for better or worse, your Grandmother was burnt in a fire, she has not even seen you, your grandmother what is your problem, you got a lying poem about her too what she do to you that make you don't want to help her either, did you think I was gonna let you keep talking about my family, where are you on family level. but you know all you people who are her friends she hates her whole family I as her Mom and on the internet fight back do you think after her grandmother was burned she has went to see if she could help her, if she did so did you and you folk don't even know her grandmother. Friends how many us have them, bye if I think of some more crap I will be back.

Epiphany

so i'm trying hard to get this Violet Project Poem in my head....wrote it sometime last week....its called....
wow
thats interesting...it has no title.....i think i'll call it Epiphany....yeah....
thats dope
so....its really nice....or so i think.....well actually.....at this point, i've listened to it in my head so much that its not that attractive to me anymore, but i was told by at least one person that if i didnt do it at the Violet Project, she would be ready to fight me.....sooooooo.....
and we're good friends....lol
so i dont want to go thru that kinda thing....i'd rather just do it.....can't read it by any means though...i HAVE to know this poem by heart...no choice.....and i got a good memorizing "catchy phrase" from Daynomi.....something someone told her.....she said, don't practice it until you know it, practice until you can't get it wrong....or somethig very similar to that....
so thats what im over here aiming for tonight.....operation K.I.M.....and its really dope.....well...its draining....this is probably one of the most personal poems i've ever shared....i've written personal a thousand times....but sharing them is another....
like this is down to the core personal.....
sometimes i guess i forget i was a victim at some point of domestic abuse and emotional abuse....and even now
....when i think about it...i wonder if i am overreacting by feeling that way...i wonder if i am making it more than what it was, but i have always taken my share of responsibility in contributing to the violence....i was very violent....i had lost control....but i had lost me....things were just happening.....and once they started, i couldnt stop them.....but it always ended up going to far......and sometimes, i didnt cause it.....it really wasnt my fault.....i remember us getting into a fist fight one night after i came home from the club.....he was there, in bed....a.place very foreign to him.....it must have been two or three when i got in....not really expecting him, but not tripping on him being there......we ended up arguing, not because i went out, but because i let the girl i went out with, come in to use the bathroom.....
and some how that escalated to us fighting.....i can't even count all the times i thought he was going to kill me...like seriously, kill me....bye bye kendria type of kill me.....live no more type of kill me.....thank God i'm here....type of kill me.....
we were seriously poison to each other.....plain and simple.....and he's forever embedded in my head....im starting my poem off with a journal entry from that particular relationship....its an actual entry, nothing i concocted for the VP...like the poem....but even the poem.....the poem is every bit us.....
every bit.....
i wrote it from that period of my life....i am going to perform it as that girl.....which is where the journal entry came from because it will help place me where i need to be.....i want the emotion of a battered woman to be felt throughout the room that night....because i had no one to lean on....no one knew....no on had a clue....poetry gets all the credit with God for pulling me back to life....thats what im so attached to poetry....
THATS why stuff means so much to me and im so hard on everything and i take it so personal....because i have always felt like i owed "poetry" something ....i owed her something, my life on a stake, because she saved me and i dont go around saying that for kicks....
or cliches....
the journal entry i will be reading is during the year i started performing....i lived for sunday nights at the Cozy because those were the nights i got to become someone else....i had my voice back, my big girl shoes on and people kinda liked it.....and they listened....and there was no yelling.....but i'd spend the next six days in turmoil.....switching between fistfights, tears and fear.....
and writing
.....i say all that to say....i lost my footing yesterday....
and the day before
the featured artist thing really was and still is a big hard blow....
and it sent me there.....and im not sorry...its how i was feeling.....sometimes you, or at least I, get all the way beneath the mud before i start to climb out.....
...but i had a big blessing come to my door yesterday....a big big blessing....and all i know is the person that delivered it, but those that helped make it possible, i am unaware of......i hope they read my blog....because that became the gleam of light again......it was dark as shit in this house!!!!
and then that light came on......it gave me a push....that very push i always  try to give others....and then today i got another nudge....
it has to be forward....
so im going to practice my poem.
send out my congratulations
and do me
the best and only way i know how

nsay

Raw Emotion PT II

and so i woke up with the intentions of not getting on Facebook.....went against my judgement and surprise!!! Allen's status was that Fighting Words got accepted into the Arts Council Featured Artists for 2010....the same one i was upset about not getting into last night.....the same group or label or whatever that i used to be a part of ......

i dont regret my decision.....
i just dont understand my life.

is it because i want to do more than just indy....is it because this really isnt my calling or my purpose.....today i have really decided to, if nothing else, postpone my full time artist desires....i am going to spend the rest of this time concentrating on getting some kind of job.....not that anyone is trying to hire me anyway, but ....thats what i've decided....i've decided not to be a part of this poetry world anymore....

i feel like i am trying but to no avail...i have no way or means of doing any of the millions of things that are in my heart.....and even as the tears make the great escape from my eyes, i just am too damn tired right now of disappointment.....i just really dont have anything left in me to keep going...i need to break for a while and regroup.....

get whatever else is my life is screwed up together and then maybe i can get back to working on this dream....im not really giving it up....im just letting it go for awhile.....i wanted that so bad.....so fucking bad.....and dont get me wrong...im happy for all of FW to have become a part of it.....but does that mean i'm not supposed to feel disappointed cause im not in it....
hell no....
im hurt....
plain and simple....and i dont know what it is about me, but i just can't get no where for falling back a step or two....

ive thought about doing this so many times....but i kept pushing cause i felt the push would reward me in the future....i have talked other people out of making this same decision or at least tried to push for them to keep pushing....and in the end....i have no more rope to hold on to....like i said...its just too much going on in my life in general that i can't even begin to make this work anymore....im at the end and today, i dont feel like going on anymore....with poetry....

so while i will continue to write, i have decided in this moment that i am meant for nothing more than a local open mic or two.....in my free time.....so there....now all the doubters can rejoice...i gave up, like always and to be honest....i dont give a damn.

i'm contemplating deleting the facebook page seriously...but i really like facebook for the games more than anything.....maybe its cause thats what my life does so often....play fucking games.....wow....i just can't believe this...i hope i can change my mind from this, but im just pooped.....
the weed doesnt keep the air cloudy long enough and im not a heavy drinker....
im about to send sleepy p a message and cancel my january feature....
not even applying for fringe....
its whatever.....
im done with this shit....

raw emotion

and as i start writing this, i think to myself, maybe i should have waited until i went and got the crangrape juice.....so i pause.

and now i return....wet mouth-ED...lol
....i should light the last little piece of pineapple express, but its just gonna make me sleepy and make me miss CSI....so i light my black instead....
...i've been in a funk since i got home.....not sure why....but just been feeling like i dont belong in the place i've put myself in.....or the world that i put myself in...i think i may have mentioned it on my last blog....but there's just been this funk surrounding me.....my house is lacking comfort in too many areas for me to be able to rest and clean off the funk, so its just been building up and around me like pigpen....

......went to midtown last night....couldnt stay for the whole night.....but still felt like i didnt belong anymore.....not sure why....its more to do with this stupid funk than anything else..

i've been checking my email for the past week, nearly nonstop, waiting to hear from the Arts Council to see if i made it to being a featured artist of 2010....i was really hoping for that....i guess you can tell by the tone of what i've written so far, what the outcome was....

checked my email about ten minutes ago and it was there....the computer generated, sorry not this time, response....lol.....my first instinct was to bust out in tears.....but then i thought....for what....its just gonna make me feel this blow even more....so now i'm just sitting here.....heart beating all fast, trying to decide how it should function when my emotions don't even know what they are.....it beats accordingly i suppose....

.....so i'm just sitting here.....bent over my laptop, watching a rerun of law and order and trying to figure out how to make this "big break" possible.....i can't help but to wonder what about me wasnt good enough.....what about me isnt deserving enough.....if not me, then who.???....who wants it more than me right now??? I mean, i'm sure there IS someone, some where, but damn....can i get a break....
i'm moving from hurt to pissed to what difference does it make....
i know i know
im supposed to let this "be a reason to push me harder and farther"...i know that shit already!!!! I just fucking wanna know why is it, so many other people get all these avenues and breaks given to them....handed to them ......they get so many they pick and choose what and what not to do.....but lil old me....im over here trying and sweating and stressing.....can't get shit done cause i dont have the money to do shit....dreams are only free when they are still in your head....
i mean
damn
i just wanna scream and while the fuck out right now....i probably wont even post this blog to facebook....idk....its just raw....its how i'm feeling right now and i dont give a shit who thinks something is wrong with the fact that i am just disappointed....
.....damn
i go to get unemployment since they enacted a new extension for the people who've exhausted all of their extensions on former claims....that is me!!! if you are still unemployed, you can file again and get 20 weeks....i go to the office and they give me ONE FUCKING WEEK!!! of which, they say they overpaid my last claim, so they will essentially be keeping the week they are giving me!!! Me !! the one who can't even get a job at the mall!!! I'm just stressed and its not getting any better....
....its just stagnant....
....the tour was the shit, but even it didnt turn out like it was originally planned.....and though i have no regrets, i am honestly....HONESTLY....
starting to think that i'm just supposed to show up at coffee spots here and there and do a poem....like i'm not supposed to do this full time.....not because of this "struggle"....because of all the signs....but then i dont know how to read signs well anyway.......maybe this is the devil trying to throw me off course....idk...could be anything.....
..i just know right now
all i wanna do.....is be a professional successful poet....
i wanna look back at these blogs and remember the times, and appreciate the times...i want to be desired...not picked over like i'm not up to parr!!!....everything since the summer has been ground zero for me.....
....minus a couple special incidents....
....i dont know if i should cry....or rejoice....all i know....is i'm about to light a black and let this whole last 7 days sink in.....operation self motivation is gonna have to go into effect before the night is over....cause at this point, im just really over feeling like maybe i was wrong....i feel like erasing both my twitter page and my facebook and letting this blog be my only communication to the outside.....i'm damn near sinking into depression and its like i can do nothing to stop it....its all happening too damn fast....my finances are in disarray, its almost time for school and i need to get it paid, i need to pay my gas bill, so i can have gas...i need my plumbing redone....damn near need a mouse detective in here.....cant work on my cd, cause of my finances.....cant work on my book....my jump drive erased all three of the books that were damn near completed, plus a ton of other important information....i mean got-damn!!!! when does the drama let the fuck up....and now this....
im just tired of this shit....straight up....
and yes, i feel like giving up.....i really honestly do...i feel like walking away and becoming a figment of everyone's imagination....a "whatever happened to...." conversation....i feel like this was all a dream and i'm finally waking up and realizing nsaychable never really existed....
and my ship
was actually a tugboat
nsay

random thoughts Vol 204

I remember just like ya'll do....saturday mornings USED to be the shit....garfield 8am....he used to be an hour long, but then they made it 30 minutes.....can't remember what filled up my 830 to 10am time, but there WAS definitely something.....then at 10am....i'd go back and forth between ABC and NBC....Bugs Bunny and friends was (and is still) one my favorite cartoons....bugs was just on one....and i loved him....
....but Saved By the Bell was competing for my attention at ten, with two back to back episodes....i was in love with Slater and Zack and wished i had Lisa's beautiful real hair....thats an old school saturday morning.....at least when you are approaching 31.....

today's saturday has so much bullshit on it from old ass syndication episodes of Thats So Raven and Miley Cyrus and some of the dumbest cartoons i've ever flipped past....my tv now is on the Suite Life of Zach and Cody, who i think should have remained the cutie pies from Big Brother or whatever that Adam Sandler movie was.....cause now....hmmm.....lets just mushrooms should remain on.....nevermind.....

digressing

i say all that to say i am bored as shit, so i decided to blog.....its a quarter till noon and i have nothing to do, or no where to go....didnt go to WriteOn last night and Earth House wasnt open after all.....i spent my night toggling between sleeping and catching mice....i live on the set of mickey mouse now, so go figure.....sometimes i REALLY hate it here....others i am ok.....i have never lived in such slums before so i'm a bit shell shocked about this whole situation.....from the faulty plumbing to the lack of .....nevermind

digressing....

should my mom read this she would swear i was ungrateful and undeserving of such beautiful living quaters.....HA....i on the other hand am very grateful and would love to turn this house into a home.....but getting past the fact that i can't shower or take a fucking bath here is a big obstacle....especially when my STEPfather is a plumber.....yeah....looks like i said it anyway.....she won't be reading....none of this is what i was planning on blogging about .....but today is just one of those days.....one of those days where i dont understand my stepdad and i really wish i could see my real one.....cause i know above all things, what our relationship consists of and what its about.....he aint shit....he knows it....i resent him for always fathering other ppl's children, and he knows it.....but he loves me....in his own way...and i know it.....and if he knew how to fix this shit, i know he would.....i dont know shit about my stepdad....i am pretty sure he thinks i am not deserving of free air.....he complains STILL TO THIS DAY about me making him pay five bucks for my stupid cd.....lets include he bought it when it first came out and FW was still recouping the money spent....NO ONE GOT  FREE CD....

its hard to feel like the main men in my life have always dropped the ball on my toes and then stood laughing at me......it hurts even more when i see that im the only person that gives a shit about it....

digressing for real....

i better stop....looks like this is turning into a journal entry rather than a blog.....this will be the one my mom would read too....lol....i dont care.....she's in denial of how i feel and how this makes me feel.....as a woman and a female who has never gotten real respect from her father, brother or stepdad....the only blood related man that i think showed me real love is dead and gone.....and then there's my uncle, but he spends so much time disrespecting my aunt that its hard for me to get beyond that these days....having been there myself and all.....

ok....so my original blog concept was to discuss the things i have on the horizon in 2010.....i wanted to talk about how exhausting it is to enter a contest.....
.....its the waiting process.....the email checking process....the "did they contact me yet" process....i have checked my email every single day since submitting myself for the 2010 Arts Council's featured artists.....im hoping and praying i get picked, but who knows what will happen.....then i entered the Moving Forwards contest....i wont know anything from that until fucking March!!!! ....so imagine that....for that contest, you win $1,000 and a permanent display of your poem on the new bus shelters they will begin building on the Monon Trail.....i REALLY want that...soooo bad, but its no telling how many ppl entered that one....im confident about my poem  though....i think thats the only two contests that are driving me crazy.....
oh

then there's the 2010 Fringe Fest.....i have been waiting on this application for several months now and its finally available......i have until february to have it turned in.....here's the catch....i have the show concept, but i have to complete it and write it out on the app.....but the application fee is FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS!!! ...which is not bad if you get picked because the artists keep 100% of the door.....so operation get employed is in full effect....went to sign up for that new unemployment extension and they gave me one week !!! LMAO....thats the equivalent of giving someone ten dollars in food stamps.....and they WILL do that too....the government's got plenty of jokes at the poor's expense....

but the exposure in the Fringe Fest would be ridiculous....i have to be a part of it....now doubt....or at least try.....so im not tripping.....

thats where i am today.....toggling between the life of a poet who has absolutely nothing to do today or tonight and is NOT enjoying being back home at all and the life of daughter who feels more like Cinderalla....

and this too shall pass

but if my pen should run out of ink before i make it back to the page, let it be said that all i wanted was a stage, a mic and an audience....but a working shower wouldnt be too bad either!
nsay

Daughter of a Rolling Stone

Today has been a weird day....
not weird in the things that have happened....nothing has "happened"....but "feelings" wise, its been weird....i liken it to the Twilight Zone.....days like today are the reason i say thats where i live......i think the Earth House open mic is tonight, and i know WriteOn is open......
part of me wants to go to one if not both
the other part of me doesnt
weird day
feelings-wise
last night i wrote a blog about texting during poetry, which was met with some rather interesting responses to say the least....no one's response surprised me so to speak, but after about the third one, i was started feeling weird.....
when met with opposition, my opinions usually whisper to me that they were better left unsaid.....my horoscope, which i dont read and only read because it was there on my homepage, spoke of this situation....of me speaking my mind to people, in hopes that it will spark change, but it said that i did it wrong....hmmm
but i had already posted the blog, yet probably, even though i dont read or believe in horoscopes, i would have saved the blog for myself, had i read that first.....
funny thing is, i kept questioning myself throughout the whole blog....i kept wondering did it read in an alienating way....i wasnt trying to make it seem as though this was a disease that i wasnt a sufferer of.....and i know i mentioned it several times in the blog itself, as well as on fb, when i tagged people on it.....so there is no doubt in my mind, that if anyone felt like my finger wasnt directed towards myself, then they need to seek literacy assistance.....but thats just my thinking.....that damn horoscope had me taking several xtra blinks on this whole thing
.....a million and one excuses can be given as to why its ok to be looking at your phone when someone is on stage and how its not really that disrespectful, but that wont change my thinking.....and i guess if they can't change mine, i shouldnt expect to change theirs...."theirs" being whoever ....
i started wishing i hadn't have posted the blog.....but then i remembered who i am .....i am a person who sits in the front row of the Silence Hall all the time....
daily even
i am the person who allows so many others to run over me, talk crap, act ignorant, be disrespectful or whatever....and usually i dont say anything....it takes soooo much to pull out of me whats really bugging me in my personal life....i dont like confrontations....i dont like arguing or situations....
i hate situations...but one thing i have turned out to be pretty good at is speaking up for others....
which is quite ironic....some people know this, some dont, but the reason i never perform Say Something, is because its a preach i dont practice......i really dont....i have never been a big fan of that poem either....and i think subconsciously, its because it speaks on something i dont do ....
i dont say something
i dont speak up
i let shit happen
over and over
until i am about to combust and can't hold anything anymore.....strange
but where "others" are concerned
i got it.....i will write, spit, perform, dance a jig or shuck and jive for someone else's cause.....have been ready to bust a nigga's head over my friends...literally.....while my man is somewhere touring someone else's boyshorts...
and in this case...thats what i was doing, yet again.....speaking up for everyone else....this time, myself happened to be included on both ends....but i was thinking from other people's perspectives...i thought...
....sometimes i dont read people right....
today, i feel as though maybe i misspoke and made a bad judgement in releasing that blog and those truly personal opinions.....but i am not sorry for it.....
weird feelings....told you....
....sometimes it is just me on this island....i guess in this day and age, you either roll with the punches or get knocked out.....lol....
my point of even saying this is not to subliminally offer an I'm sorry.....cause like i said, i'm not.....i probably wont even tag the same people on this blog....not because i dont want them to read it....because this blog is less about a message i was hoping to get out, and more about blogging....plain and simple...
and the people who read my blog all the time get to read it....no sense in making those who otherwise dont visit, come back....i am a firm believer in those that are supposed to see it, hear it, witness it, usually do....
weird feelings
honestly....i just feel so alone today.....not because of the blog....it didnt help, but its not the sole purpose....there is just something in my water that has me feeling like the black sheep......irrelevant.....
like if i fell off the face of the earth, few would notice, less would be affected.....
and i know better...im just saying what im "feeling".....and i said already it was weird....
.....i hurt inside because i no longer feel the same connection to Midtown that i used to feel.....it started a long time ago though.....sometimes, on days like today, i think about it....others i dont.....but change is something that humans dont adjust to lightly....
...so much is constantly changing for me.....especially with this poetry....this full time spoken word artist thing is crazy...."chasing the stardom will turn you to a maniac" ....
i know right, Kanye
.....i feel like i am slowly becoming disconnected by the world i became so involved in....and i think its more me, and less them, but i think its the person i'm steadily growing into and my constantly changing views....
..opinions....
sometimes i make myself think that i dont belong just because i dont agree with the masses.....but to be honest...i've never found a place i've belonged at.....dont belong in my family....but i'm here....
in it...
none of them agree with me....about much of anything....they dont understand me....dont get me...like the things i like....dream the dreams i dream.....or love the way i love....but we are still connected....
....thats how i'm starting to feel about the world i created around my bullshit...
...now i finally undestand my dad....
he was a rolling stone
where ever he laid his hat was his home.

maybe i will go to poetry tonight....though i still doubt it....doubt i'll be feeling up to talking...just wanna listen....but be unseen....if i can figure that out, i'll be out....if not....
my stone will be stopping here for the night.


aaaah.....*exhales deeply* feel better already
and if my pen should run out of ink, let it be noted that all i ever had to offer this world, was loose change.

Can U Hear Me Over the Text?

to text or not to text.....lets try this guys....me included!!!!

on tour i made some observations....these observations were also made before the tour....actually...i started making them right after i went to see Shihan perform at Marion College a few months back....there was something different about that crowd....

they were texting...

like NO ONE!!!! No One was texting anyone for any reason...

it all started with a Shihan show i attended back in the summer at Marion College in Indy.....me and Hamid went up there and must have been there for close to an hour, if not a little longer....when we got there, the show had already started, so i'm figuring these kids that were there from the beginning, had been sitting there for quite some time.....the show was enjoyable, the poems were dope, and the commentary/questions/answers were meaningful....but there was one thing missing from the night that i easily noticed...probably because i have become so accustomed to seeing it.....

NO ONE WAS TEXTING!!!
not anyone....not at any point...it was easy to see the entire room because of the set up, so when i say no one out of the fifty or so people that were there, that got in for free, was texting, i mean that!!!

So after that, i started to take notice.....in town, out of town...i became more aware of my texting during shows....i became more aware of the level of disrespect it takes to do that outright in front of a performer.....in going out of town, from North Carolina to Philly, this pattern was unchanged.....and part of the reason i find myself  taking notice of it, is because there will be moments where i feel obliged to send a text to someone or something (twitter/fb/etc), that may or may not have anything to do with the poem being spit......and right before i do it, i find myself looking around and noticing that no one else is texting...which in the case of being out of town, makes me feel like its even more disrespectful because its not like i'm at my "at home spot".....its not like these people know me and no my love for poetry and the arts itself.....

so this whole thing got me thinking......why do we text while people are performing.....and i dont mean a random, can't wait another minute, "i said leave the key on the table" type of text.....i mean when we are habitually offending the person on the mic....when new people come up, how does that make them feel to look out and see some of the older poets, the "elders" not giving them the same attention they've worked hard to earn?  I mean think about it....u can't be an elder without being a rookie.....we aren't born adults, we don't start off as Somebodys.....there is a price that gets paid, mud that gets walked through.....
and when you are walking thru that mud as a performer, your audience is the reason you are there....otherwise, we'd all be content with singing and spitting poems in front of our full length mirrors or with teddy bears on the couch.....of which, subliminally, suggests that we STILL want an audience, or else we'd just spit poems out of the books, while watching tv and running the vacuum.....
but i digress
sorta
so if the audience is the reason, how does it feel when you see them not paying attention....and i know, i know....you can do two things at once....listen and type.....
text and be hear....BUT
divided attention is not what performers seek....trust me...i am one and i know it.....and when i get on stage, i hardly ever see people looking down at their phones....i usually can count on all ears to be open and all eyes on me.....but there was a time when i saw everyone looking at me, but they weren't listening....
and remember wanting the attetion i receive now....i've said it to others...i remember when i wanted Taalam Acey to listen to my poetry, but i was just another feather in the wind with a pen.....there were YEARS of insecurities....i was getting paid to do my poems and still didnt believe people liked me....
...or listened.....
and i was hurt....it was crushing....it took so much to become nSAYchable, which is why i never take for  granted the love i receive....i spent the night tonight, reading poems and stories i was tagged on over the last couple of weeks that i haven't gotten a chance to read.....not because i have to....
...but because the people that tagged me, were all people who i've tagged....and they were all people who have left comments about my poems.....i OWE it to them to read their stuff to....
because its the right thing to do....because its out of respect for them and their work....because its what i want from them.....i wasnt doing nothing that they hadn't done for me.....
and everytime i get a comment i am smiling....not smiling about praise, but smiling that people read it and were so touched that they left a comment.....
so i say all this to say, we as performers look to our audience for attention.....but when our audience's attention is being split between even lines we're splitting and the odd lines they are texting, its hurtful.....more than that, its disrespectful......especially to someone who's new....
.....we as performers OWE it to other performers to listen....damn or at least look like we are....its what we want from them.....when a high ranking poet comes in for a feature, one of the most exciting moments of the night for you is them hearing your shit....i dont care what NOBODY says....you want them to hear you....
we all do....
there is no difference......
and dont get it wrong...i am fully aware of the guilt i contribute to this topic....which is why im writing about it....first person....but i am also making a conscious effort to change that.....and so far, i've been pretty good...but this SEEMS to be a problem that weighs heavy in Indy....i've missed it in other states and never see it at the colleges....i'm not saying other places dont....but does that mean its ok if they do....Indianapolis is always the underdog....people pass by us on tour all the time as if we dont listen to music....or go to plays....we dont have major shine time on the map, but once people come they see a lot of love....but i'm on the inside and looking around in here, we are beginning to get besides ourselves on the love....we are getting too damned disrespectful.....one of the greatest parts of poetry is the love you receive....
and we need to stick to dishing out love.....and it wont be easy....its something we've all become used to, but other people ARE noticing, because i've heard comments in the audience at places....its rude....
....all i'm saying is to try...next time you're at the spot...where ever that spot is, and you see yourself looking at your phone....about to text....stop...wait....try to hold it like a secret....
...see the person on stage and allow the common ground you wish to stand on....give the same respect you want and the same respect they give....ESPECIALLY the new people....
look at them...give them, give us what we deserve.....put your phones on silent, hold your conversation to a minimum, at a whisper and stop texting.....twitter can wait
so can facebook......there are breaks, people have to walk to the stage.....there are bands that play....so its not like there won't be a single moment for three or four hours for to text.....im just saying, picking out the moments when someone is on stage
.....speaking to you.....from their heart....wanting your ear.....needing your lack of judgement...
you should listen.....and dont take this to think i'll be posted up at the spots seeking out texters and handing out tickets and shit...lol....
not what im trying to do....maybe no one will even agree with me....but i take that risk.....im just thinking in the eye of change, if i take off my rose colored glasses, maybe i can help others take off theirs...i mean thats what i set out to do anyway right....all i'm saying, is at least sometimes....
the text can wait....or perhaps you should keep that five or ten spot in your pockets....i mean just about everyone has unlimited texts at this point, so why pay so much to do what you do at home for free.....
...or at least until the next billing cycle.

On to the Next One...

hold up- ....
..........SOMEBODY BRING ME BACK SOME MONEY PLEASE!!!!

lol....
if Hov thinks its all about progression, then he would love whats about to happen right now....its 10:19am and we are about to exit the room and head to Philadelphia.....first stop, Bob Evans....next stop, Philadelphia.....and so we say goodbye to DC... : (

well....yesterday we spent the ENTIRE day in the room....gabby came down with some killa cold and so she needed to get as much rest as possible.....so tourist actions were shut down and what we saw two days ago, was what we have to take with us.....its all good though....i'll be back.....i enjoyed the white house and the walk  to it....downtown is full of so much....so many buildings, tall, big, wide, two story mcdonalds, lights, camera's and plenty of action....everything looked so prestigious....like you can tell a lot goes down in that downtown as far as America is concerned.....but i digress.....

so...yesterday i decided to cook....hahahhahaha...microwave style....im a mammal, so i guess i can adapt really good.....but then i haven't had a stove in over a year......kissed the good life goodbye in summer of 08.....lol.....actually kissed the good life goodbye in summer of 07.....i think staying in the high rise was the best place of my life....as small and compact as it was, i would give anything to lounge around in there with my beautiful 15th story view, my doorman and my elevator.....yeah....and my shower/bathtub too...
 but i digress....or at least i should...lol

anyway....i fried chicken before we left so we'd have something to snack on, on the road without having to make too many extra stops......but i fried two packs of chicken tenders, so we had plenty....our room has a fridge, so that made keeping the chicken up pretty easy....i went to the store yesterday.....or should i say to this raggedy walmart who's food aisles were in the middle of the store and were equaled about five aisles, plus a freezer on two sides that had everything from milk and butter to frozen pizza's together like a VP store.....it was the worst walmart i've ever been too and that aint saying much, but it really was a catastrophe.....anyway....
i bought a small pack of mashed potatoes, a microwave steamers bag of sweet corn and two biscuits from popeyes.....i was hoping for a KFC so i could mac and cheese, but there was none....i took salt and pepper from Mcdonalds, who's only dollar pop is a small (wtf) and i bought styrophome bowls to cook/eat in....oh and the plasticware came from Wendy's.....it was funny popping in and out of the fast food stores, taking unauthorized seasonings and forks....hahahahah.....i didnt feel bad about mickey d's at all after i saw they didnt have a real dollar pop!!!

came back to the room, hooked up everything in the microwave and you couldnt tell us we didnt have sunday dinner....lol....i'm a mammal maaaaannn...told you that!!!

so that was i guess the grand highlight of yesterday......the spot we hit up, Verses, two nights ago was really dope...it was downstairs, in a cave....a literal cave.....and it was cold....just like i'd imagine a cave would be.....lol....but it was dope...it was like sitting inside of a tree trunk.....they had some of the dopest singers i've ever heard.....and the headbanger rock poet was one for the books.....WHERE ARE YOU SPENDING YOUR MONEY AT NIGGA!!!!!

YEAH....you woulda had to be there to see it...i'll have to talk about him later.....gab's getting out the shower and i'm supposed to be packing up/writing down the philly directions from our room cause its CHECK OUT TIME (we gotta go.....we gotta go ooooo)
not blogging....
but i felt like it this morning for some reason....this is my last blog from DC YA"LL!!!!
i wonder how many ppl read my blogs...
how many of my naptown poets/friends/fans read my blog.....
i wonder this because sometimes i want to send out public OR poet service announcements and i have one on my heart, but i wonder if it will get out....
nevermind
alpha reads it
so i'll tag him....he'll help spread the word....
its about our poets......our folks that dont do this full time....who do have jobs, families and so forth and write poetry because they love it, not because its a sport....
not because they are slam poets or want a top spot and a lot of stacked cheese (come to midtown for an explanation of stacked cheese).....i'm talking about the poets who just love to write and sometimes spit poetry....it won't always tickle everyone's fancy, but it helps them.....it won't always gain a standing O (which i got btw at Verses for doing Preaching to the Choir : ) , but them standing at the mic is a relief button pusher.....this is for the poets who are simply poets at heart, mind and spirit.....not some sort of public display of everyone's affection....not the die hard, i gotta make it at this, ppl like me.....
this is for those who just want to come out, hear some poetry, maybe spit some, get some respect for it (some respect they can keep LOL GABBY) and sit back down and get back to listening....not texting, leaving after they are done or talking thru someone's entire set...this is for them....uh oh....
here comes gabby...
gotta go....
TBC

random thoughts

my insecurities are crazy

they pop up at the most unsuspecting times.....how unoriginal of them.....they get inside of me and begin to fester.....causing me to feel somewhat nauseous....or however that word is spelled.....they have babies inside of me....little, tiny, microscopic insecure babies.....then they all gear up at the starting line and once the gun is blown, they start biting me....all over the place....

on my hands first....my hands, or better yet, my left hand, is what creates the very thing i get most insecure about....people dont understand and i wonder if they even believe me, but im not always, or quite possibly, not usually impressed by my own shit....i dont rave about my poems because alot of times, i think they are just weird.....i think that people wont get it, or will think i've gone to far or maybe not far enough....so it always surprises me when people call me their favorite poet, and arent just saying a tagline i once created.....when they tell me they were touched by my poems, it trips me out.....sometimes i almost want to stand back and re-read the stuff to make sure i wrote it.....just because....
im insecure alot

my brain....insecurity attacks me.....takes chunks of my brain out in one bite.....i can be anywhere and suddenly will begin asking myself what the hell im doing there.....poetry is the only thing i am secure of....and thats the most crazy because its the one thing im most insecure about.....i think thats why its so important to me that people support me, i.e. family, because i need it....not want it....well maybe i dont NEED it either, but i damn sure feel like i do.....i sat in poetry tonight going over my memorized poems, trying to decide what the hell to do for an audience who has never seen me....this wasnt the place to pull out soft self healing poems....this is "make an impression" time....i want to be remembered even when im not here....i want them to remember my name so if someone else ever asks them, they can say OH YEAH!!!! lol.....i went with preaching to the choir......by the time the poem was over, i had a standing ovation out of washington, dc.....i sold one cd.....and then got bite again....

i began wondering again if this is the right ship....should i be unloading at the dock.....should i get a real job??? ....but if that was my calling, wouldnt i have gotten hired for any one of the hundreds of positions i applied for...so if its not poetry, what the hell is it....

and im so insecure sometimes, that i cant see the forest for the trees....i can't see the bigger picture or the dues that i have to pay in order to be paid.....i can't see the trenches i have to roll around in.....and by that i mean the struggle....the process of becoming a household name is not as easy as a 30 second spot in between CSI breaks.....

i did good tonight....not in cd sales by any means, but i pray before each show i do and when i pray, asking for cd sales is the last thing i ask for and the most wavering.....i ask God to make that call himself, but to please just let me touch someone with what i say....let me pick the right poem, and talk to the people who need it the most....i asked and received that with no problem.....when i got done and the people were standing it was overwhelming....i kept my poker face on, but i swear i just wanted to run over to them all in tears thanking them .....and persuading them to take me home for a lifetime for ten dollars....
lol
that didnt sound right
hhahahahaha

since i left Fighting Words, i have struggled with whether or not i can do this on my own.....i have yet to record my first whole cd.....something that i've been ready to do.....and the bad thing is that i dont see a date in the near future for me to begin.....
no money, mo problems!!!
thats the name of MY song

i have questioned how i can make things work....how i can be who i want to be, get to where im trying to get to and it work out....
and i think it would if i could just get a fucking rabies shot.....
its nearing 2 am and im super sleepy....dont even know how i lasted this long.....i dont know what tomorrow will bring.....could wind up at home, could wind up in Philly.....we have yet to see.....

in the event i wind up at home, i probably will give in to the temptation of no longer trying to make this full time.....i will go back to the job hunt, which i will have to do anyway because i just need a bigger more trustworthy income.....but in todays job market, no income is trustworthy...

im soooooo sleepy, that im not even looking as i type....my head is on the pillow, eyes closed....legs crossed and up...im laying on my stomach trying to will the positive light back into my head....i hope it will be there when i wake up....im not down....upset or anything

the spot tonight, Verses, was hot....it was downstairs in a cave....literally.....a real cave....but it looked more like we were inside of a treehouse....!!! it was super dope....but they have a nice vibe....lots and lots of singers, but the funny thing is all their singers could sing....!!!! GOOD TOO!!!

i could keep going but im just too freaking sleepy.....i made it to the white house today....stood in front of baracks home fighting back tears.....what a moment....

now im in the bed in this hot ass room, just laying.....trying to cure the insecure rabies that are wishing they could run rampant through my body, stuck somewhere in insecurity purgatory.....gabby is sleep.....she's sick so she's been doing plenty of that....lol....idk...i thnk im done....

for now...

Curb Ball....PT 2

so where did i leave off....?
oh....
gabby asked me if i had her wallet in my purse....knowing full damn well i didnt, i checked and of course, it wasnt in there......but she had to go get on stage for her last poem.....while up there performing, i continued to look for her wallet, through her purse, my purse, the floor, the surrounding area.....but to no avail....

.....when she got back off stage, we continued to search for her wallet, retracing our last few steps and the last time she was 100% sure she had the wallet....which, of course, was the bus trip.....when i didnt have any change.....we searched and searched and searched....she went looking outside....walked up the street, literally retracing each of our steps from the bus stop to the venue......no wallet

i was inside still....still searching....the same places over and over again....we had only been from the bus to the spot, and once we sat down, we were down....i mean we were in a new spot where we didnt know anyone, so we didnt do much moving around....in the meantime, people were buying cds....i was at the table, selling both her and my cds, while she was outside looking for her wallet and on the phone with the bus station....

too make a long story much shorter (cause it is a looooong story)...basically....we didnt find it....oh and we missed the last bus back to daynomi's house, because remember, she was at the studio still.....so we didnt have a ride...it was nearing two am....our night was wonderful.....our performances were dope, representing and fulfilling....the audience feedback was amazing and the love we got was super dope....we both sold out of cds....well not me, but i only had a couple left....we got major love from the other poets, the slam team members and the audience......it couldnt have gotten off to a better start....if that was a detail account of what was too come, we were about to be set.....and then this....of course....a rain parade....

and we didnt have a ride....but...luckily enough we were able to find several people who were willing to take us back to the spot....we ended up riding with two of the slam team members, who doubled as a power couple and stayed in the one of the dopest loft buildings in charlotte....we rode with them and they talked to us about charlotte, about the slam and other random things....they were both really dope poets as well, so to have them showing us this kinda love, especially in such a turbulent moment, was the shit...the funny thing is we were riding in the car with two people, three at one point, of which we would have been competing against at the Southern Fried Slam.....lol....but i digress.

we got back to daynomi's with hopes, and i mean i was praying hope into the living room, that we would get there and find the wallet positioned on the bed somewhere....forgotten....we searched....searched....searched...
and searched some more.....gabby proceeded to call to get her cards cut off....OH YEAH!!! the wallet had everything in it....ID....license....credit cards, bank cards, cash....whatever else.....so it was an important find.....but we never found it.....the stress entered the room quickly.....well, it was on her back before we got into the house.....i mean we looked hard.....in the end (to shorten the story again), there was no choice but to leave.....we had been in NC for roughly days....we had another feature on friday and were set to hit the road that monday....and now this....

gabby told me she was going home.....there was no choice...she had NO ID what so ever....she told me that she didnt mind if i stayed and continued on the tour......but in good faith, i really couldnt...i came with my girl, i leave with her.....if the shoe was on the other foot, i would have told her the same thing, but i would have been hurt had she stayed....so it was only right that i left....with her.....by the end of that night, we had been to the police station, on the phone with the bus station trying to figure out how we were even getting home becasue we had only done ONE show at the time, so while we sold cds, we each were working with meager pocket accommodations.....PLUS there was the ID thing....i mean, how could she get on the bus, plane or a train without one...???

the night just kept getting longer....it had to have been five a.m. when we got to the police station....when we got  the airport, maybe just before six or around six....A.M. ...still running off little sleep, i just put my head on my luggage and found a few catnips in between gabby trying to figure out how to purchase and board a plane with no id....oh....and of course the flights were 999.00 to go home if purchased that night...LOL...the next day they were 106....soooo.....it was decided that we must get a hotel room.....the tour was becoming more over by the minute....i was dealing with crazy emotions because i just figured all of this was for nothing....i lost my bf for nothing....(i know, dont say it)....i came here for nothing.....we had a show for nothing....(i know, dont say it).... 

by 730 am, we had a hotel room....red roof inn....internet access.....we were right next to a cracker barrel and a waffle house.....by this time, it was light outside, the tour was officially a wrap and it was early friday morning...i got us food from waffle house and we looked up tickets again and began to unwind at the red roof...finally.....we started laughing.....we had our last laugh about 12am back at the wine up when we were celebrating each others first great sets.....and now....some seven hours later, we were able to laugh again...!!!!

we arranged a flight back home, talked to Steph from Brooklyn to pick us up and ate our food and went to sleep.....when we got back up, later that evening, we ate again at cracker barrell, continued to laugh about the whole situation, probably to keep from crying, and talked to Daynomi about making that nights show.....our flight wasnt until saturday, so we would be in the hotel all night......we made the show, it was .....ok.....came back to the room and my ultra sensitive ass had to fight the tears because Daynomi looked so disappointed, but she understood....i felt soooo bad, but it was out of my hands and there was little to be done about it, but for us to go home.....

by saturday evening, we were back at the crib....steph picked us up and dropped us off.....we had made a pact that no one would be told that were home....it was too embarrassing....it seemed like a failure and even though we had a very valid reason for coming home, people's perceptions are a MF and we just wanted to avoid the whole "they swore they were leaving for a month"....lol....we agreed to keep our "home visit" on the downlow because gabby was just going to get her some new id, wait on the bankcard to come in the mail and we would rent a car and hit the road....road tripping to the east coast...it was set in our minds already and we couldnt just throw it away....not when there was a recovery way...so we did....kept real silent about being home....it was hard too....too stay quiet....to remain in the house when SOOOO much was going on in the city....there were slams, kevin sandbloom was back, mudd jones featured, midtown, eclectic poetic had a show, i mean the list went on of all the stuff i wanted to do.....then the IM's....everytime i got on facebook, people were like "how's the tour going"....HA...i hated lying so i would either let my computer get frozen up...lol....then i adopted the "i'm saving the details for the blog" message.....folks would be like where are ya'll....hahahahah...i started to say home a couple of times....but of course i didnt...i went to walmart a couple of times, damn near crawling on the floor incognito trying not to be found out....

i was sooo nervous someone would see me.....hahahahahah....we made it though....after just over a week of being home, we hit the road yesterday and so the tour has officially begun and this classified G1 info is able to be leaked....its been funny.....to say the least.....adventurous.....a lot of the times when people would ask how's the tour going, i would say "its interesting"......being at home like a prisoner, unable to go anywhere, with only a handful of people to know you are there is very interesting to say the least....but we made it....

and today....we both woke up at washington, DC...well actually Laurel, MD...its 10am and im ready to go....gabby is still laying down, half sick, half sleep.....im wide awake.....have been on and off since around seven....i told ya'll....I DONT SLEEP OUT OF TOWN and i really dont understand people who do....im ready to hit washington.....im ready to go sight seeing and i guess we have the whole day to do it, but im ready like right now.....!!!! LOL....but what can you do....once in my life i will travel completely solo so i can go and come as i please, when i please and really not have to wait on anyone to do anything.....i actually think before its all over, i will be a solo traveler all the time....and i totally understand those who do it.....but for now, it is what it is....and im just so glad not to be at home, in hiding that it doesnt matter ...im about to take a shower (OMG) and head to the gas station for a black.....
and now that the tour is back on...
with blessings from Daynomi, who has gone her own way now......but she knows, at least she should, that all three of us will share a stage together again....she's an amazing person/woman.....she opened her heart and her tour to two people she barely knew, and then proceeded to give us the shows she couldnt make it to at this point.....i love her forever!!!


and now....my fingers hurt....but if my pen should run out of ink before i get the chance to blog again, let it be said that life throws curb balls all the time.....u can either be prepared to catch one at any given moment, or get knocked the fuck out!!!
nsay

Start. Stop. Regroup. Go back to Start. Finish.

i can only draw sometimes.....

those were the last five words i spoke as i lay across the king size bed at Knights Inn, thinking to myself " ONE DAY.....one day, someone will not only pay for my room, but will pay for me to be at ...idk...lets say Comfort Inn....lol...not that im complaining....this knights inn is a far cry from the last time i visited and left my bags at one....that one was back in nashville, during a FW's tour....that particular knights inn, had a police escort in the parking lot, what looked like it could be a prostitution sting, oh and lets not forget about the random white man that knocked on our door at roughly four a.m.  ...

yep...this one is a far cry from that one.....where we are know is actually kinda cool besides the broken recliner that is in a permanent recline, the holes in the standard old timey bedspread or the smell of a smoking room (hey...what can i say, i like blacks and dont effin judge me!!)  we have a nice shower (which if u know my situation, you KNOW how much that means)....(and if you dont know, you're not supposed to) ...we have a microwave and a fridge, which is great because i fried chicken last night that i was worried would go to waste.....safe for another day!!!

the heat works...tv works....wifi works.....bed is sleepable....shower is about to get tested....and we're in a decent looking area....Laurel, MD to be exact.....i think...hahaha....

we arrived in DC around 8ish....got briefly thrown off course from missing our exit....found someone to help us....got back on track....ended up making another wrong turn and cruised thru what i will refer to as "mansion row" ....uturned.....got back on track (again), found the right turn and before we knew it, we were coming up alongside of the Washington Monument.....and all the familiar surroundings.....the water....the signs to the Arlington Cemetary....and then....the pentagon!!! in my normal life, these things have little meaning to me and hardly EVER cross my mind.....but tonight....seeing them....was like seeing a celebrity.....u always see them on tv, and dont have a desire to meet them, but in person, face to face, you become in awe that something that once seemed so far is right there staring right back at you......

yeah...im cheesy like that.....i wish i could describe the current of electricity that seemed to be just flowing thru my veins as we sat briefly in traffic.....but i cant.....the water, the bridges, the traffic!!! ....all of it....knowing im over five hundred miles away from all the pain i feel on a daily basis.....over five hundred miles away from my broken heart (which i mended only temporarily).....five hundred miles into my journey....its a damn good feeling.....

and it all started from HOME!

thats right...i said it...there it is...now that our tour has officially begun (again), its probably safe to let the cat out of the bag.....only selected people were tagged on the list of "knowing what the deal is".....and those people probably dont read my blog anyway.....even if they do, they know exactly what im about to discuss.....this time last week, we had been back in indy for roughly three and a half days.....our 30 day tour cut short by a series of unfortunate events.....not really a series, but that just sounded good right there....

and it all started like this.....
it was thursday night....our first "feature" of the tour....just me and gabby....daynomi was gone to the studio to finish up her cd that needed to be done by friday.....clearly she was on crunch time.....so me and gabby caught the bus to the spot "the wine up".....on our way to the bus stop, i told gabby i didnt have anything but two twenties.....she went on to look for a couple of dollars and some change so we didnt miss the bus or our show......we made it.....caught the bus like big girls in a city where we knew only one person....got off at the right stop.....went into the building, of which was located up a set of stairs.....the room was well lit by christmas lights, had a full band that was JAMMING, including the saxophone player AND they had plenty of pictures on the wall of poets, mid performance.....clearly this place was poetry.....not a bar, nightclub or coffeehouse that needs people to buy more expressos......this was poetry.....247....no matter what else they did in there on other nights, poetry LIVED in that building.....

me and gab did a round robin of our poems....two a piece...i performed one new one, "the people's poet" and one old one 'preaching to the choir".....there were quite a few men in the building, so it seemed appropriate.....i always hate the first time i perform a newly memorized poem because i spend most of the performance wondering if and where i will mess up....i can't fully give my all because of it.....but for some reason, not only did i not mess up, but they liked it...!!!! they were really feeling the poem itself and i was sooo stoked...i left the stage feeling like a million dollars....the next poem for me was preaching to the choir and the men of course ate that up.....men like it when females speak for them and though they piss me off more often than not and hurt me more than i'd like to admit, i am magnetically drawn to them.....so i write for, about and to them....and usually, they love it....that night was no exception....

when i went to sit back down, after gaining hand slaps and claps from the audience, which included some of their slam team members (keeping in mind they have been the national champs at least twice)....i sat at the table to gabby's question of "is my wallet in your purse".....

TBC...
make sure you come back!

Better Late Than Never...lol

ok....so the blog you are about to embark upon reading was actually written the night before i left for the "irregular flow" tour....much, much MUCH has happened since then, but i have to make sure to stay in order and in control ....and honest....
so i'm going to start here....and throughout the week, play catch up....and boy
trust me...
you dont wanna miss out on reading the ish that has happened along the way......so....LETS GET IT!!!


I don’t even feel like counting on my fingers how many hours I have left before I leave, but I can say I leave at 7:33 am tomorrow morning and its 4:27 pm now……im excited….im anxious…


Nervous

Ready

Scared

Excited

Melancholy

Bouncy

Lots of emotions…I feel like there are a few people I didn’t get to spend enough time with and now that the time has arrived and im officially out of time, I wish I had of found some extra from some where….

…had a good time with my mom for her birthday and I really wish we could have hung out some more….hung out with my aunt, while washing, which is where I am now….left to do today:

Pack

Clean up house

Meet with allen imagery

Meet with Jus Will

Get online to get flight info

Meet with kim lee mays

Finish burning cds

Finish making labels for business card cover-ups

Practice poems

Record poems for the flight to listen to

....im sure there is SOMeTHING else I have left off, but for what its worth I have been going essentially nonstop today….running from here to there, washing at the final hour, trying to find bargains on the stuff I needed….yeah….not enough hours left in this day…and I am butt ass tired….but I must continue on, for I am leaving this place in the morning….

and how nice it is to have people that love you and care about you....in the weeks leading up to this day that is upon me, i have been blessed with food, food and mo food....lol....Keebs and Country Verse cooked a down home meal for me and Gabby that was chucked full of fatback, calories and buttery delight.....she made greens, cornbread (which is ranking in the top 3), salmon patties, fried chicken, black eyed peas, deviled eggs, scalloped potatoes, peach cobbler, apple crisp and ice cream....well she bought the ice cream....needless to say we pigged out, had a good time and felt a lot of love...i so love them for that.....then....my girl tamara took me to Ricks Boatyard....she told me she wanted to take me to lunch, but i was thinking more of Scotty's....cheap eats and free wifi.....uh uh.....we went to ricks....sat out on the patio closest to Eagle Creek and the boat docks....we were the only two out there, in the sun, laughing, drinking Pinot Grigio and Pina Colada's....we ordered crab cakes as an appetizer, she had crab stuffed ravioli, i had fried catfish....we PIGGED out .....i mean it was wonderful.....wow...the love...and then


….last night, I went to midtown….took a nap at 730 and almost couldn’t get up from it cause I was so tired……forced myself up and dressed and out the door….had fifteen dollars to my name….and no cds….well…I had three cds…I had pretty much decided to head to NC with about 10-20 cds, of which I would buy some more once I sold out of those and continue that process as often as necessary….

Eclectic Poetic blew up the spot….the setting was different, wonderful…dope….the crowd was super thick….reeeeeaaaal thick…I was sitting in the front row next to stacy….i was the last poet on before E.P.’s first set….before allen brought me up, he mentioned our relationship and how we are kinda looking at everyone else who seems to think we are still “beefing”…he professed his love for me (not like that), and how no matter what we will always be brother/sister…..it was a touching moment that included a few of “fuck what yaw think’s” and a couple of other choice words for the haters….

Nuff said….

But before he brought me up, he said that I would be the only person on the open mic to be able to do two poems…since I was leaving….it was thick in there that the open mic was restricted to one poem and out….then he went on and said that he wanted the audience to chip in a dollar or whatever in the tip jar for me….for my trip….i was soooo surprised…it was the furthest thought from my head….a tip jar…for me??? …..woooow….i performed King of Queens and Preaching to the Choir….got some nice love from the crowd and collected my tip jar…..when I got home I counted the money….it had $110!!!!!! I almost passed out ….i think the tears bumrushed my eyes and did I forget to mention that when I got up on stage I began crying in front of all those people while I was trying to simply thank them??!!!! What a lame!!!

Even after I sat down, it was hard to collect myself….i was waaaaay overwhelmed…..the love in the room….the hugs and well wishes, the donations and the encouragements ….it was too much….i needed it ….i swear I did….especially the money….i was able to go out and buy 100 cds to start with…..

…..every thing that I needed to buy before I left I was able to buy, and still have money to take with me on the plane…..i needed that blessing…..i needed that encouragement and that show of belief…..i was given so many well wishes that it just made me realize how hard its going to be, to be away for the first time for so long (I’ll adjust quickly)…



…when I woke up Sunday….i went to church….i never not cry in church…maybe its just my church, maybe its my sins or maybe its just me….i was sent to the front row of the church for the first time EVER…IN LIFE….i sat there wondering if there was a reason I was sitting there…..

Reason number 1 : I had perfect and easy access to the alter for prayer time…

Reason number 2 : while listening to the choir sing….and I mean they were SANGING!!!!....one of the members left the pulpit and came over to me and said “I don’t know what made me come over here, but something just told me to come over and hug you”….we had never met….i don’t know her….but I needed her hug….not even for that moment….i was my usual emotional self as I am in church…..but I needed that hug….a hug I may never would have received had I sat anywhere else….

Reason number 3 : Paul was there….paul…as the tithes were being dispersed I looked up and saw a man with really bad skin, sunglasses (wtf?) and what looked like a permanent limp…..there are no two of those alike…oh…and the cornrows WITH the beads at the bottom were a dead giveaway….this man has to be in his mid-50’s…and he looks like he’s lived 8 lives….Paul…my ex’s best friend, running mate and the man who stood there and snorted cocaine while my ex choked me until I nearly passed out….the same man who saw me naked, but not because I wanted him to…it was a game my ex was playing….paul….the man who was shot up five or so times, hanging with my ex….he nearly lost his life….there is a ton more to that story, but my point is he was there…in church…and the fact that he didn’t catch fire that reignited with each step was enough for me to feel……happy for him…I’m changing

Reason number 4 : I was touched by the praying robber’s story…..his story is the black man story I write for/about…I know every one wasn’t and won’t be touched by it…it sounds cliché …it sounds predictable I guess….but does that make his truth any less true….and clearly he’s remorseful….if I had the balls to rob someone, I can’t say I wouldn’t….i just aint got the balls for it….or for jail cause I KNOW I’d get caught….anyway….sitting right behind me was his mother and father…..i handed them a cd and said your son is the reason why I write….i left church feeling blessed, feeling like I may have just blessed someone else…I shook my pastor’s hand for the first time….i saw more people I knew from school or from the arts in there….



And I knew it

I just knew that day was a blessed one….

And when I got to midtown….

It was confirmed…

I asked Him for a sign…that I was on the right trail…following the right plan….eating from the right side of the fork….

He delivers answers all the time…..we just have to be open to see them….

They don’t always come with Periods at the end….



I leave out in a matter of hours….

Losing dennis was a blessing in disguise…I don’t have time for people who don’t support what it is I’m doing….

Cause im doing it regardless…..i’ll be damned if I EVER let another man (or woman) tell me how to live out my dreams…..

Stay tuned…..the take off is upon us and im gonna be blogging like crazy….



And to think….before the year is over, I will have been to NEEEEEEEW YOOORK!!!!

BALTIMORE

PHILADELPHIA

WEST VIRGINIA

NORTH CAROLINA

SOUTH CAROLINA

NEW JERSEY

WASHINGTON DC

….and only two of these places have my footprints already!!! None of them have my CD;)



LET’S GET IT!

dreaming from the Dream!!

im sitting here....ready to go....ready to get downtown ....ready to be out in the weather....ready to do something.....i have another blog that i wrote before i left and i guess i will be posting it late....but its all good...maybe i can reposition them once i get them loaded (i actually have two) and keep it all in order...if not...prepare to read a lil backwards for a blog or two...or three....lol...

its 1:41 pm and the weather here has to be close to 70...i got up this morning at 830 and have been up every since....i've been ready to go since about 30 minutes after i woke up....not ready as in dressed ready, but more so mentally ready......

daynomi is still getting dressed and gabby just got finished getting dressed.....i had actually left and went to the bus to leave without them, then i realized that i have virtually no clue what time the buses run and how long i would be standing there at the bus stop waiting on it to come.....soooo...i came back to the house and waited on them to finish....i am more than down to go somewhere by myself...

sooo....in the 24 or so hours that we have been here, we have stepped up our game to unbeliveable heights...first we got on at this spot in Harlem, NY....i've never been to harlem....i had to choose between harlem and the statue of libery and i chose the statue because i thought it would be more to see....im glad i chose it, but i missed out on harlem and central park.....so now i have those in the bag...i dont even know where exactly central park is, but i know i will be walking in it....i also know that once i get to new york, all this laying around and prescious time taking wont be happening for me......folks are gonna wake up and nsay is gonna be somewhere on a ferry or eating a slice of pizza in the middle of times square ....straight up....no time for games...i got shit to see while i'm there to see it....lol...

next....we are trying to get on at this spot in brooklyn....never been to brooklyn either...which means i get to go over the brooklyn bridge...i've been under it, but over it.....whoa....so excited...i plan on walking across it too.....i cant wait for that....i feel like i was born in Brooklyn....not sure why we are so connected, but we are....

third....daynomi just got us booked at the Five Seasons in Baltimore...i mean we are taking the east coast by storm....it is crazy....i am so stoked....the bus in ten minutes, so i have to end this blog now, but i will continue it later....i promise...bye for now...

things im thinking about before the tour

today is saturday....
a week from today, my mom will be turning 52...maybe i shouldnt have said that...hmm...she won't mind, i'm sure she doesnt read my blogs anyway....three days after my moms birthday, i'll be leaving town for a month....
....a week from tuesday morning and i'll be taking to the skies.....
i hate flying....and i love it all the same....
flying makes me nonstop nervous, on the verge of panic and anxiety attacks, and its all about control....something that i know longer have....but this flight i think will be different....on this flight, i am in a different mindset, going somewhere different with a different set of goals....
i will be boarding this flight with trust in my heart.....not just for the flight....but for the 30 day trip itself....i can't wait to leave....and i will take whatever are the necessary measures involved in order for me to have a flight minus a heart attack or nervous breakdown....i still can't deny the beauty in flying....seeing the bottom....the mystery above the clouds...the colors....the feeling of floating....until turbulence speeds my heartbeat up...
this is the ultimate flight for me...i've never flown anywhere but to and from atlanta...this is to north carolina...i dont know how long the flight is, but i know its not a straight thru flight, which means, we will land and go right back up again....i've never done that...never wanted to....once i'm down, i usually need a few days to recooperate about what just happened before i can go back up to popping ears....
but i digress...it will be ok...

these are just some of things i am thinking about before the tour....

i need to wash...i have a two baskets (i know...dont judge me) full of clothes that will have to be washed in the next few days....i also need to clean my entire house, so i come home to a welcoming, cold, but welcoming home....the heat won't be turned on until i after i get back...shout out to energy assistance for helping, but not really, therefore defeating the purpose....

but i digress....

so i want to come home to a clean house and i want who ever im going to get to help me with the dogs to come over to a clean house.....soooo...in the next seven days i will be nonstop busy i guess....i need to pack...i need to clean, wash and pack....one suitcase...i will literally be living out of one suitcase for the next 30 days....i will not be paying for luggage or whatnot and what ever other unnecessary expenses the airlines can find to charge ....i havent decided what to take and what to leave....
dont know what shoes i will bring, or whether or not my laptop is coming....havent decided on the jewelry....all i know for sure is my glove is coming cause thats my signature....SashaJackson....(my gloves name)

i always pack with paranoia when i go out of town...i take stuff that i like and still look good in, but that i can stand to lose in case of an emergency.....but im going to do my thang, so i have to go doing it the way i normally do it....i wont be bringing my best, but i have to look good...PLUS...i plan on coming home with a pair of shoes or two from another city....hence another reason to pack as light as possible....

these are just some of the things i am thinking about one week before my trip....

my dogs....wow....my ex really threw me a curb ball with this one...not knowing who will take care of  them is reason enough for me to stay....my dogs are my children, and it doesnt matter who doesnt agree or understand...i will never have real kids, so this is it, as michael jackson can say...!!!...and they are really picky....i dont want to ask my mom because so many people are pulling here in so many different directions right now, that i just dont think it would be fair, even though its right next door...i dont need to add to her stress.....my ex hit the bailout button on me....and there is really no one else....but rather than letting this defeat me, i will figure it out in the next week as well...

im leaving...
wow....
30 days....
not even sure when i'm coming home...just the uncertainty of everything is comforting to me...not knowing what will happen or when i'm coming back...just a ball park figure.....i love it...its  something that i've always wanted to do....and i'm about to do it....on my favorite side of the US...the east coast...im stepping out on faith and trust, following my heart....for every person that i feel doesnt back me or believe in what im doing, there are at least two more telling me to take the world....that i can do it...i deserve to do it....and its mine..just go get it....this is what i was made for right...?

i'm leaving my friends..
my girls....the ones that come over and keep me company, sane and laughing...the new connections...or connection...i'll miss that person too....i hope they will think of me as much as i will think of them....my dogs..so spoiled...ms p. and lazzie...
.no more girls nights and more than likely no pineapple express for the next 30 days...im coming back detoxed and will probably get high on one puff....no more midtown....well...havent really been much midtown for me anyway...but no more earth house or other random open mics....38th street....
...cornelius avenue.....no more loud ass kings of leon playing either in my car or the house....none of that...all of that will be on hold until i come back....sometime in early december....i am doing this the big girl way...im going on tour...me and my poetry....my words...my thoughts....
we are taking the east coast.....the Irregular Flow tour...i can't believe it...the closer the days get, the more i can't believe it...its starting to set in....
...the fact that i will miss so many and so much, but will gain even more....NYC...im coming...im headed to my all time favorite spot in the US....

my first tour....my first time to see if i REALLY have it...which i dont doubt too much because i've been quite a few different places with predominantly good results....

so much fear....questions...will i ..? i wonder...can i ?....should i ?....
few answers...
but one constant...
just do it...
and i am
finally.
my time has come....

these are just some of the things i'm thinking about as i get ready to leave for tour...in 10 days...

It's a Fine Line between Indiana and MIchigan

and so the story goes.....
i got home this morning at 630.....when i saw the first sign that said 465 i almost pulled the car over and proceeded to get out and kiss the ground.....i was so sleepy that i literally think i fell asleep while driving, all with my eyes open and carrying on a conversation that went from my troublesome relationship with a nonsupportive boyfriend who i am still in love with to touring, to semi trucks and how often their wheels fall off....lol....

when we left chicago, it was 1am ...130 at the latest....my sister in names, Kendria aka KLove who is a PHENOMENAL POET!!! if you like me, trust me and check her out....she did three poems last night that were the epitome of greatness and i am officially a new fan...i only wish i could have afforded to purchase her cd...i actually meant to suggest a trade, but somehow i forgot...
but i digress...
KLove showed us the way to the highway home....the highway....wow....a combo pack of I90 and I94....one of them takes you to indianapolis, one of them takes you to detroit...both will lead you to indiana, one just happens to lead you to michigan .....the one that led to michigan, of course, is the one we took.....

what does it matter who was driving (me) or how we missed it.....all i know, is we had been rolling...making good time, hitting miles by the dozens on 80mph.....i was noticing that none of the signs said Indianapolis....and that the scenery wasnt very familiar....and considering we came and left in one night, i think i could remember at least one building to help guide the way.....but i didnt say anything....mostly due in part to we crossed into Indiana....we, well I, saw signs that said Valparaiso, Michigan City....all cities in indiana, so i was just expecting for indianapolis to show up on the one of the mileage signs...NOPE....after about close to an hour and at least 69 miles worth of driving, we began to come up on a big sign that caught my attention....it was right after we passed michigan city and were having a conversation about being in jail and what jail an ex of mine is in...i was saying i think it was that one....next thing i know, i have to interrupt gabby talking to say, yeah umm.....i dont think we are on the right highway because we just passed a sign that said "welcome to Pure Michigan...."....i was floored.....there was nothing to do but laugh....i mean we had been driving for awhile and keep in mind by this time i was after two am....the road we were on consisted of us and a semi every 15 miles.....it was dark as hell.....gabby says....

"no this has to be the right road because here's all the construction we passed earlier"....lol...i love gabby....i said "gabby....the construction we were on earlier had both directions on one side, traveling in one lane, which is why it was backed up.....(yeah, got caught in a serious traffic jam on the way)....the construction were passing now was nothing more than the orange and white barrels decorating the road and giving you less room to swerve....so...the only smart thing to do would be to get off on the next exit right?....

the next exit that came up was a darker than the highway....it was a winding exit and i didnt see ANY sign of life, animals, UFO's ...nothing...it looked like a trap to the Last House on the Left.....i pushed the pedal to the floor and we zoomed past.....laughing.....
....the next exit, which was roughly, 10-15 miles away....same deal....pedal to medal time again.....we probably drove an extra 30 miles just looking for an exit to get off on that had lights, cameras and action.....

...finally we pull up at a station and got out to go find out where we were....the men, one in a country boy hat, probably laughed hard at us after we left....they told us to head 'BACK TO CHICAGO' and catch the highway from there...and the rest of this story will be cont later...
my hands hurt from typing and i've had virtually 3 hours of sleep in the last 24 hours.

BUT make sure you come back for part two, which will chronicle us making it home six and a half hours later, witnessing a UFO or something very eerily similar to it and my struggle to stay awake...oh...and a video of it all while on the road...which by itself is chucked full of humor...love ya'll

*and if my pen should run out of ink, i will purchase a new one*

SS Dream has bad timing.

and so the journey has begun.....
and decisions are on the dining room table waiting on me to make them into reality....and the reality is i dont know what to do....i guess i should be blogging about my last few experiences featuring in spots....i featured, sorta but not really....ended up getting the shaft so to speak, in KY....but i still had a good time and enjoyed some nice Reisling....plus, i didnt go home broke by any means, so i managed to do what i went to do....
stamp - SUCCESS

lets see....i featured, sorta, just really did a couple of poems at an AKA event a couple nights back and that was fun...the audience was all women, so i was right at home, being that i'm a woman AND an AKA at heart...they fed me, gave me a giftcard so i could buy myself something and bought cds.....
stamp - SUCCESS

Went to Ohio last night for a feature spot that has been booked for awhile...i'm sorry....this is my blog so i can say what i want to say, but it was a bust....i got paid to come, but i only sold two cds....we were in a spot that doubled as a club, so the club goers had arrived by the time i got on stage.....and when i say they weren't listening....they werent listening.....the people who wanted to hear poetry were listening though and i had a couple of people come up to me afterwards and hug me.....that always means a lot to me, no matter the circumstances...it was a hard crowd....i dont have really mean hateful poetry....im not in your face like a monster at a haunted house....i have plenty of erotic poetry, but i never share it....or memorize it....i'm really all about the words.....a lot of my poetry is serious.....personal....not a lot of finger pointing and when i do point my finger, i always try to keep one pointed at myself....if need be.....sooooo....i say all that to say, the stuff i was doing last night wasnt what they wanted to hear....hey its a learning process....lot of conversations were taking place while i was performing and i usually can spit right on top of someone's full blown conversation, but there were several taking place when i was up....i messed up my poems, which i hardly ever do when i'm featuring....i will massacre a poem at an open mic and dont care, but usually when im featuring, im pretty good...i take it serious and i put time and thought into what i'm doing.....trust me....the poems i did last night were so deeply ingrained in my head that the fact that i messed up more than once surprised myself...i couldnt get the noise out of my head.....the conversations, the things my personal thoughts were saying, seeing the poem on page, which is how i go from memory....i had a lot of noise going on up there and by the time i did my last poem, i was over it.....they were over me....they weren't feeling me.....and i felt it.....i was embarrassed.....disappointed in myself for not repping hard like i usually try to do....hell for what its worth i was trying last night....but hey....if this is my life forever, then it won't always be great....every experience isnt going to go the way i want it, and i respect that and all you can do is keep it moving....And the person that brought us down is such a sweetheart....such a sister poet in so many ways....she paid us for coming and has offered her place for us to stay if we need it whenever we return....she sat in the front the entire time we were performing....i got a dose of Xplicit, who i happen to like and like i said...the people who wanted to hear poetry, heard it....i just wish i could have did better...but thats on me....like i said...its a learning process....now i see why i'm still a rookie...lol....plus...i Still LOVE Ohio....sooo
Stamp - FAIL/Success

so thats what i've been doing....and now comes the tour.....to do it or not to do it.....we are supposed to leave on november 3 and who knows when we are coming back....in all honesty, i dont even care when we come back, as long as we come back because i have dogs to take care of....but here's where the decisions come into play....i have an interview tomorrow after i leave my therapists office.....its nothing spectacular and its NOTHING i WANT to do...its at the mall....i hate working retail more than anything.....i always end up quitting, no call no show.....but i've been without a job for so long that i can't not take the interview and damn near , i can't not take the job.....

or can i
i can go on this tour for the next month, come back with a little bit of money and still needing a job to keep my head floating and get to working on my cd which i want out by my birthday so i can move on to where my heart really is....publishing my book....

or

i can take the job, if i get it, miss the tour, go to work, earn a paycheck that won't be that much, but will be something.....i will be totally unhappy, distraught and disappointed....and we're going to the east coast too????!!!!! OMG....it will be a crushing blow not to go, but i can't just act like i dont NEED a job....i do...i have a household to maintain....i am currently running an energy assistance marathon trying to get help right now...needing the government's help is a serious blow to my pride.....and taking this job would mean the end of that.....

but

if i take it....when will i get to go on tour....?? when will the opportunity come back around and if we are supposed to live every day like there is no tomorrow, why should i start pretending tomorrow is promised now and plan to go on tour "later on".....

i could go on and on about the pros and cons, but thats for me and my prayers i guess.....im caught in between a delinquent bill and the SS Dream....my ship is finally pulling up to the dock....this is tour could make or break me.....it could get me exposed or expose me....i'm looking for the signs, i'm praying for the answers.....my mind is far from made up, but i'm leaning heavily towards ground zero.....hell i've been on it for so long now, whats an extra month.....

i'm trying not to over think it.....the plane tickets have already been purchased...its just a matter of getting up and leaving that day.....my interview is at five tomorrow...my plan is to say that i have a temp job right now that doesnt end until december 1 and i could start immediately....that way, if i get the job, i will have something to come home to.....i have no family to talk to about this.....they would say take the job.....i have no boyfriend to talk to about this.....he would say take the job.....a lot of poets say go on tour.....i'm trying to find out who is speaking on behalf of what Jesus wants....i know what i want....both!!!....who doesnt want to eat their cake?? (you catch that one...think on it...lol) ....in order to do the tour, i have to have faith in myself and trust in the Lord.....i have to....i have to believe the things that are said to me....that i am pretty good at this....that i can do this....that God made me for this....and that He has my back....what am i willing to sacrifice in order to see to that my dreams are realized, therefore eliminating my daily struggle....i know i have said it before....and i dont care....this always trips me out....i have a text in my phone from Taalam Acey telling me that if anyone has the talent for spoken word, its me.....TAALAM ACEY I SAID!!! this man has been around the world, found his baby and set her free....and he's telling me that i'm good....??? how do i think of that, and i know God did that....i know He put that in his heart to say....to feel.....how do i think of that and not tour....what have i been holding onto that text for if i'm going to pass the tour and reduce myself to "would you like to save ten percent today".....and while i'm on the subject of Taalam Acey....he has a poem on Market for Change called God's Work.....and what if thats what we are doing.....us poets.....
now....if that is true, that we the poets are doing God's work, then why should i be afraid of leaving....my only fear is failing when i get back home...not while i'm out....im trying to survive once i get back and i've been underwater so long now...i've drowned so many time and have needed resuscitation repeatedly....hell just the other day i wouldnt let the dogs in the house because the light man was trying to cut me off.....
it worked though....but i'm tired of that....i dont want to go thru this....i'm depressed because of all my money problems....i feel like i failure four out of seven days.....unless i have a show on those four days....and a job could take that away.....but are there going to be no jobs when i get back.....geeeeez this is killing me...

i feel like i have so much to prove...outside of the poetry family i have managed to create around me, i dont have anyone who believes in what i'm doing the way i believe in it.....most of the people in my life think this is a joke....a hobby....but its my heart....my dream....and my life....

and what i do with it, isnt up for anyone's debate.....the ship is at the dock....will i put my luggage on it and sail away with my heart in tact....
,....or after waiting all this time, will i wave at it and watch it take off without me....hoping with my broken heart that it will return someday.

thats alot to think on.