SS Dream has bad timing.

and so the journey has begun.....
and decisions are on the dining room table waiting on me to make them into reality....and the reality is i dont know what to do....i guess i should be blogging about my last few experiences featuring in spots....i featured, sorta but not really....ended up getting the shaft so to speak, in KY....but i still had a good time and enjoyed some nice Reisling....plus, i didnt go home broke by any means, so i managed to do what i went to do....
stamp - SUCCESS

lets see....i featured, sorta, just really did a couple of poems at an AKA event a couple nights back and that was fun...the audience was all women, so i was right at home, being that i'm a woman AND an AKA at heart...they fed me, gave me a giftcard so i could buy myself something and bought cds.....
stamp - SUCCESS

Went to Ohio last night for a feature spot that has been booked for awhile...i'm sorry....this is my blog so i can say what i want to say, but it was a bust....i got paid to come, but i only sold two cds....we were in a spot that doubled as a club, so the club goers had arrived by the time i got on stage.....and when i say they weren't listening....they werent listening.....the people who wanted to hear poetry were listening though and i had a couple of people come up to me afterwards and hug me.....that always means a lot to me, no matter the circumstances...it was a hard crowd....i dont have really mean hateful poetry....im not in your face like a monster at a haunted house....i have plenty of erotic poetry, but i never share it....or memorize it....i'm really all about the words.....a lot of my poetry is serious.....personal....not a lot of finger pointing and when i do point my finger, i always try to keep one pointed at myself....if need be.....sooooo....i say all that to say, the stuff i was doing last night wasnt what they wanted to hear....hey its a learning process....lot of conversations were taking place while i was performing and i usually can spit right on top of someone's full blown conversation, but there were several taking place when i was up....i messed up my poems, which i hardly ever do when i'm featuring....i will massacre a poem at an open mic and dont care, but usually when im featuring, im pretty good...i take it serious and i put time and thought into what i'm doing.....trust me....the poems i did last night were so deeply ingrained in my head that the fact that i messed up more than once surprised myself...i couldnt get the noise out of my head.....the conversations, the things my personal thoughts were saying, seeing the poem on page, which is how i go from memory....i had a lot of noise going on up there and by the time i did my last poem, i was over it.....they were over me....they weren't feeling me.....and i felt it.....i was embarrassed.....disappointed in myself for not repping hard like i usually try to do....hell for what its worth i was trying last night....but hey....if this is my life forever, then it won't always be great....every experience isnt going to go the way i want it, and i respect that and all you can do is keep it moving....And the person that brought us down is such a sweetheart....such a sister poet in so many ways....she paid us for coming and has offered her place for us to stay if we need it whenever we return....she sat in the front the entire time we were performing....i got a dose of Xplicit, who i happen to like and like i said...the people who wanted to hear poetry, heard it....i just wish i could have did better...but thats on me....like i said...its a learning process....now i see why i'm still a rookie...lol....plus...i Still LOVE Ohio....sooo
Stamp - FAIL/Success

so thats what i've been doing....and now comes the tour.....to do it or not to do it.....we are supposed to leave on november 3 and who knows when we are coming back....in all honesty, i dont even care when we come back, as long as we come back because i have dogs to take care of....but here's where the decisions come into play....i have an interview tomorrow after i leave my therapists office.....its nothing spectacular and its NOTHING i WANT to do...its at the mall....i hate working retail more than anything.....i always end up quitting, no call no show.....but i've been without a job for so long that i can't not take the interview and damn near , i can't not take the job.....

or can i
i can go on this tour for the next month, come back with a little bit of money and still needing a job to keep my head floating and get to working on my cd which i want out by my birthday so i can move on to where my heart really is....publishing my book....

or

i can take the job, if i get it, miss the tour, go to work, earn a paycheck that won't be that much, but will be something.....i will be totally unhappy, distraught and disappointed....and we're going to the east coast too????!!!!! OMG....it will be a crushing blow not to go, but i can't just act like i dont NEED a job....i do...i have a household to maintain....i am currently running an energy assistance marathon trying to get help right now...needing the government's help is a serious blow to my pride.....and taking this job would mean the end of that.....

but

if i take it....when will i get to go on tour....?? when will the opportunity come back around and if we are supposed to live every day like there is no tomorrow, why should i start pretending tomorrow is promised now and plan to go on tour "later on".....

i could go on and on about the pros and cons, but thats for me and my prayers i guess.....im caught in between a delinquent bill and the SS Dream....my ship is finally pulling up to the dock....this is tour could make or break me.....it could get me exposed or expose me....i'm looking for the signs, i'm praying for the answers.....my mind is far from made up, but i'm leaning heavily towards ground zero.....hell i've been on it for so long now, whats an extra month.....

i'm trying not to over think it.....the plane tickets have already been purchased...its just a matter of getting up and leaving that day.....my interview is at five tomorrow...my plan is to say that i have a temp job right now that doesnt end until december 1 and i could start immediately....that way, if i get the job, i will have something to come home to.....i have no family to talk to about this.....they would say take the job.....i have no boyfriend to talk to about this.....he would say take the job.....a lot of poets say go on tour.....i'm trying to find out who is speaking on behalf of what Jesus wants....i know what i want....both!!!....who doesnt want to eat their cake?? (you catch that one...think on it...lol) ....in order to do the tour, i have to have faith in myself and trust in the Lord.....i have to....i have to believe the things that are said to me....that i am pretty good at this....that i can do this....that God made me for this....and that He has my back....what am i willing to sacrifice in order to see to that my dreams are realized, therefore eliminating my daily struggle....i know i have said it before....and i dont care....this always trips me out....i have a text in my phone from Taalam Acey telling me that if anyone has the talent for spoken word, its me.....TAALAM ACEY I SAID!!! this man has been around the world, found his baby and set her free....and he's telling me that i'm good....??? how do i think of that, and i know God did that....i know He put that in his heart to say....to feel.....how do i think of that and not tour....what have i been holding onto that text for if i'm going to pass the tour and reduce myself to "would you like to save ten percent today".....and while i'm on the subject of Taalam Acey....he has a poem on Market for Change called God's Work.....and what if thats what we are doing.....us poets.....
now....if that is true, that we the poets are doing God's work, then why should i be afraid of leaving....my only fear is failing when i get back home...not while i'm out....im trying to survive once i get back and i've been underwater so long now...i've drowned so many time and have needed resuscitation repeatedly....hell just the other day i wouldnt let the dogs in the house because the light man was trying to cut me off.....
it worked though....but i'm tired of that....i dont want to go thru this....i'm depressed because of all my money problems....i feel like i failure four out of seven days.....unless i have a show on those four days....and a job could take that away.....but are there going to be no jobs when i get back.....geeeeez this is killing me...

i feel like i have so much to prove...outside of the poetry family i have managed to create around me, i dont have anyone who believes in what i'm doing the way i believe in it.....most of the people in my life think this is a joke....a hobby....but its my heart....my dream....and my life....

and what i do with it, isnt up for anyone's debate.....the ship is at the dock....will i put my luggage on it and sail away with my heart in tact....
,....or after waiting all this time, will i wave at it and watch it take off without me....hoping with my broken heart that it will return someday.

thats alot to think on.