days like today are the ones i hate the most....they are the hardest to master....the hardest to get thru....i'm sitting in the art museum, of course, kind of chilling online...i'm a little bit of everywhere, doing a little bit of everything from networking to playing farm town....but my head is like a zig zag of a maze that this little marble is just rolling around in from one corner to the next.....
...i'm thinking....probably too hard...
i had this same kind of day yesterday, but to my surprise, i was able to beat it.....
the problem?
belief...motivation....questions....self esteem.....
every since i made the decision to leave the label i was on, i have traded question for answer a thousand times.....the same question, different answer everytime.....
is this the right thing and can i do this, full time, all the time, successfully???
sometimes i say yes, and sometimes i say no.....usually when i say no, i try to think of at least three different reasons why that's the wrong answer....whether its something someone said or something i know in my heart.....the only reason i ever answer that question with a no is out of fear....fear of losing....fear of not being successful at it....
and i will admit...leaving the label left me with a lot of extra baggage on my shoulder....there are ppl who think i "NEED" certain people in my life in order to be successful at this....there are people who doubt me, and they are as close as next door to me sometimes....there are people who wonder why didnt i choose a different path, be why didnt go straight to college, get a job and become a successful employee with a husband and child or why didnt i stay on the label....
and its funny...
since i left the label, i will say they have been everywhere performing....and that doesnt bother me because i am intentionally not out anywhere...i have turned down opportunities to perform and i just wanna do things my way, with my vision and that be it.....so thats doesnt bother me....
but i am still standing still.....and i have reasoning behind that....mostly monetary reasoning.....so its only days like today that it bothers me....
days where i wish to God i could be sending facebook messages from a different state....by myself.....wishing i didnt have to depend on any one else and i could just get up and go and make shit happen the way i want it to.....thats my ultimate goal....i want to unveil my "alter alter ego" on my birthday....
i guess she would be nsaychable's alter ego.....her name is NinaRoxiee....the rockstar poet....and when i say unveil, i mean i have a whole new set of rules i'm playing by....
i have a whole new attitude that i want to share....and its not a different me or a made up person, its me with out my scared glasses on.....and quiet as kept, nsay still wears a pair of those shades....ninaroxiee will just make a guest appearane hear and there, but what i have in store is much bigger than me...
but...i'm still scared...
nervous
...i've never been really good at networking with ppl until the recent years and even now i'm not the best at it, but i also know it doesnt take much to network....but on days like to day, i'm scared ....
i wonder if i can do it....and in my heart i know i can
but days like today are filled with too many what if's to ignore completely.....
...i'll be honest....cause as i have said...this is an honest blog....i have thought many a nights about pulling out the black trashbag in my dining room closet.....i still have at least 50 outfits, so to speak....at least 2 pairs of heels...i could easily fall off in someone's club and make some money....money is the central issue of all my problems....it is the force holding me back from pursuing what i want to do so that i can fail....with the absence of money, i am able to focus more time on creating new questions instead of better luck next time's....
yesterday i put in about five applications at the mall.....i imagined myself working in retail and almost through up in my mouth a little bit....but i would and am willing to do it....even though i KNOW it aint paying nothing....its paying more than what i'm making now....after i left out of every store, i felt defeated....as if my application would go unnoticed....i put open in every single box from desired pay to weekly schedule....i agreed to work nights and weekends, which are the times i need free....but since im on hiatus, what does it matter.....its all part of the mission....the journey...
right?
i even dressed cute and stylish so to look the part....gave my app to at least one manager of a store i am frequent shopper at and she didnt even flinch....i wondered would i ever hear from these people....i wondered when i call them, cause i will call them next week, what will happen....its hard to feel so damn defeated....like there isn't a win situation about to take place....
and on days like today, its hard not to let it bother me....
its hard to stay out of them damn stripper heels and to be honest...if i even thought that i could deal with strange hands rubbing on me again for measily dollar bills, i would.....i would sacrifice whatever respect i might be up for losing and just write a poem about it...i would go....but i know me and the person i was then is not who i am now and i know the things that go on in the club and i can't deal with it...i would be done flipped out on someone, seriously....
but that doesnt stop me from thinking about it....hitting the club, making a few dollars, then stopping by the open mic to do Promised Land....go figure....i could easily pay for the studio or getting my book out....i could cut a lot of stress from my mind....i could get off food stamps which has its own silent way of degrading me...
....my lights are going to be turned off at any moment....
any...once they are off, i'm just leaving...i went for assistance and got fifty bucks....too bad my bill was more than that....ha....today i thought about doing some cold sales of my cd...i thought about going to midtown on sunday with cd's that had unreleased material on them and selling them....but i would feel too much like i had a motive for being there and ppl wouldnt like it.....
i'm having a bad day....this part of the journey is known as the "the struggle".....
and i dont have a doubt in my mind that i will make it out of it...i have before....thru much worse....but being in it makes you feel like there is no way out....no up....
no progress.....
today i feel defeated....i am an artist with high hopes and big dreams, but today i feel defeated....i feel shit out of luck....and them stripper shoes keep calling me...they promise to help me land on my feet..
wow...and thats the most legal of the things i have considered....
no shame here....i'm down...tomorrow i will probably be back up and running....
its just days like this that make me feel like my pen will run out of ink before i can get my feet back on solid, unshaky grounds.
nsay
9.30.2009
9.25.2009
A Poet Service Announcement
So as I have said before….this is a blog full of honesty….right….so let me be honest and say I am writing this while watching a recorded version of Flash Forward (some new show in abc) and I will be doing a copy/paste tomorrow…..
Two reasons for this…
One.
Because I want to.
Two.
I don’t have internet at home…I leech off of the Art Museum and Panera Bread and sometimes the downtown library if I’m balling enough to pay for parking….or if its after six…..pitiful. I know. Anywho.
I want to blog about this while its still semi-fresh on my mind.
I wanted to write a poem about it, and more than likely still will, but I see this is what has to happen first….then at a later date, the poem will have finished incubation and be able to be birthed….
Keeping in mind….me blogging about my journey to being a successful spoken word artist is complete of all things poetry and some things not, so if it seems like I’m blogging off subject….in real life…I’m closer to the subject than the predicate!!!....hmmm…I like that…may add that to my inspirational quotes…lol
So that’s it for the preface….
SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL ARTISTS!!!!
We’ve all heard it, some of us have said it and a few of us live by it….but who knew support had such a thin line? Is it possible to support something or someone so much that they don’t even see you when you are there? Or that they begin to expect that you be there for every function? And let’s say you miss one….or maybe two….God forbid you have a life of your own outside of whatever it is they are doing….does that in turn deem you “unsupportive?” Do you deserve a lecture on how important support is or perhaps a demonstration of support?
Here’s my point. Those of us who are artists need to find the balance on that tightrope….there are people who are nonstop supporters and who will support every single function their schedule and pockets will allow them to. There are some people who come out every now and then. And then there are the people in the middle. Those who would love to come to some shows, but can’t afford it unless both it and the parking is free. That is real life….lots of black people found the recession long before the white house located it right here in the US. Sometimes people just don’t have the leisure money. Those same people sometimes pick and choose what shows they go to carefully. If there is a show that is more expensive than what we are used to paying, we might just weigh the pros and cons of going. How much will I enjoy it, what else should/could I be doing and who all is going to be there? What kind of show is it? If I am a devout poetry lover and I go to plenty of poetry shows, and there happens to be a show featuring poets, but has more rappers, it is possible that I won’t be there. But that is not me not supporting the poet’s. It’s not even me not supporting the rappers; Or at least not thinking that way. It is me knowing what I like and what I don’t like. Knowing where I want to be, what I want to be a part of and how I would like to spend what little leisure money I have. AND HAVING THAT RIGHT JUST LIKE EVERY ONE ELSE!!! Now call me crazy but, I highly doubt I’m the only person out here making moves in that manner. But that doesn’t make me or US non-supporters. That doesn’t mean we should be chastised or bombarded with finger pointing messages that declare us as the reason that no one wants to come to our city. We shouldn’t be reprimanded or treated like disobedient students….
there are three people in this circle:
the people who know about a show and plan on going
the people who know about a show and don’t plan on going (for various reasons, all very possibly valid)
the people who don’t know about a show
now….falling in category one or two doesn’t make you a bad guy. It doesn’t diminish the support and love you have previously offered and it doesn’t qualify you for a lecture by someone who didn’t happen to see your face OR your heart in the building on said night.
We as performers MUST remember that!!!
We must keep in mind that just because the familiar faces we are used to don’t make it out to our shows sometimes, doesn’t mean they are doing something wrong…sometimes, in those situations, we should look at ourselves and make sure there is nothing we are doing to create the gap we are seeing. And in the event we don’t find ourselves at fault, that doesn’t mean to find them at fault. What about the people who are there??? Have these people heard us before? Could it be possible they are new fans, which would mean we are still impacting people on good scale? Sometimes the new audience gets lost in our desire to see the “old” one;
Which is equal a bad look as cursing out the old audience for being MIA….
With no curse words of course…
it’s one thing to brag about your show or even withhold the details of how it went to make a person feel like they just HAVE to be at the next one. It’s all fun and smiles… But its another to scold an audience as if they missed your last free show as a free artist. People have lives. Sometimes their needs interfere with their wants, sometimes they go with what they want, sometime pockets, rides, babysitters, hell hunger prevents them from making it to shows….sometimes the shows they miss are important to you…..but if you’ve performed 100 shows and you have a person who has made it to 99 of them….who the hell are you to get mad at them for not coming to the 100th. …hell , if they’ve made five of them….
Two of them….they don’t deserve a display of disrespect and disregard to what HAS happened for you….
Be grateful for what you get….every time you get it….you don’t HAVE to have an audience to speak for….there are talented people everywhere that no one EVER hears or will ever hear….it is a blessing….every face…new, old, familiar, young….each one is a blessing….!!!
This is a poet service wake up message!!! One of the reasons open mics fail (my opinion) is because of stuff like this…I’m willing to bet every open mic has at least one, if not a few, in house poets….poets who are well known, respected and who frequent the spot. SOMETIME’S these poet’s develop these out of control egos that take over the personality that was once loving and humble and create this concoction of an individual suffering from a Narcissistic God Complex….once “the people” get a wind of this, they start falling back….once the “other artists” get a taste of it…..they start falling back….suddenly the new people aren’t enough and a once favorite spot becomes known as “the now defunct” …..
Now you (the reader of course) can take this blog and do with it what you want….interpret how you feel…I know what I mean and what I don’t mean…. The point I am hoping to get across to the audience i.e. those of you who have supported me at any one point in my poetry life….whether it be one show, every or a few here and there…whether you bought a cd or I gave it to you and you listened…..let it never be said that you are not the fuel that keeps us performers going…without your ears…..
Your eyes…
Your warm bodies occupying space….your laughter, shouts, tears and roars of applause….without you….there is ONLY us…and our notebooks…
We need you just as much, if not more, than you need us….for every positive word of mouth, and even the negatives, that you have spread about us….
There is a blessing on a butterfly wing for you….sometimes we get so caught up in loving you that we forget all the important steps along the way that you took with us….and for that I ask for forgiveness for us all….it might sound cheesy, but it’s what I typed, so it’s how I feel….
And for my fellow artist:
The expression “never forget where you came from” doesn’t just apply to neighborhood connections…sometimes you feel hurt that you really don’t get to share…sometimes you have to sit on your feelings and see the bigger picture….sucks, but it is what it is….chastising your audience doesn’t make them want to see you again….to the contrary, it makes them want to leave….where ever you are….
It pushes them away….which is the last thing you want….people grow with you, grow you and let you fly away to the next….sometimes they stay with you forever….either way, your job is to respect the steps they’ve taken with you….in doing so, you almost assure yourself of seeing them again, when the time is more fitting and God has aligned all of your stars together.
….remember….they have a life that is more complicated than your schedule…and sometimes it just doesn’t work out in your favor on their end…
Being unappreciative is tricky becomes sometimes we don’t even know that’s how we are being perceived…..
sometimes, it’s just who we are….
Pick a side.
Stay on it.
But think about it carefully….one side has other people on it with you…
The other always winds up just you.
And let me just remember to say this….WriteOn the poetry spot, a local spot here in Indy, shut their doors for good about a year ago due to lack of support….everyone had their reasons for not coming and each reason was valid to them…but regardless of the why’s or why nots, we lost a BLACK OWNED venue that was dedicated to poetry….not to mention fixing up damn near an entire neighborhood….the owners were and still are people that while you might not see them out at every poetry event, you KNOW they support poetry….they support in ways that don’t require their attendance….now…all I’m saying is this….they’ve recently re-opened…
For my Indy poets, especially the ones with fingers pointed in every direction but their own, SUPPORT WRITE ON…..or rather….are you going to write on tonight…or will you need to turn that pointed finger on yourself?
nsay
Two reasons for this…
One.
Because I want to.
Two.
I don’t have internet at home…I leech off of the Art Museum and Panera Bread and sometimes the downtown library if I’m balling enough to pay for parking….or if its after six…..pitiful. I know. Anywho.
I want to blog about this while its still semi-fresh on my mind.
I wanted to write a poem about it, and more than likely still will, but I see this is what has to happen first….then at a later date, the poem will have finished incubation and be able to be birthed….
Keeping in mind….me blogging about my journey to being a successful spoken word artist is complete of all things poetry and some things not, so if it seems like I’m blogging off subject….in real life…I’m closer to the subject than the predicate!!!....hmmm…I like that…may add that to my inspirational quotes…lol
So that’s it for the preface….
SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL ARTISTS!!!!
We’ve all heard it, some of us have said it and a few of us live by it….but who knew support had such a thin line? Is it possible to support something or someone so much that they don’t even see you when you are there? Or that they begin to expect that you be there for every function? And let’s say you miss one….or maybe two….God forbid you have a life of your own outside of whatever it is they are doing….does that in turn deem you “unsupportive?” Do you deserve a lecture on how important support is or perhaps a demonstration of support?
Here’s my point. Those of us who are artists need to find the balance on that tightrope….there are people who are nonstop supporters and who will support every single function their schedule and pockets will allow them to. There are some people who come out every now and then. And then there are the people in the middle. Those who would love to come to some shows, but can’t afford it unless both it and the parking is free. That is real life….lots of black people found the recession long before the white house located it right here in the US. Sometimes people just don’t have the leisure money. Those same people sometimes pick and choose what shows they go to carefully. If there is a show that is more expensive than what we are used to paying, we might just weigh the pros and cons of going. How much will I enjoy it, what else should/could I be doing and who all is going to be there? What kind of show is it? If I am a devout poetry lover and I go to plenty of poetry shows, and there happens to be a show featuring poets, but has more rappers, it is possible that I won’t be there. But that is not me not supporting the poet’s. It’s not even me not supporting the rappers; Or at least not thinking that way. It is me knowing what I like and what I don’t like. Knowing where I want to be, what I want to be a part of and how I would like to spend what little leisure money I have. AND HAVING THAT RIGHT JUST LIKE EVERY ONE ELSE!!! Now call me crazy but, I highly doubt I’m the only person out here making moves in that manner. But that doesn’t make me or US non-supporters. That doesn’t mean we should be chastised or bombarded with finger pointing messages that declare us as the reason that no one wants to come to our city. We shouldn’t be reprimanded or treated like disobedient students….
there are three people in this circle:
the people who know about a show and plan on going
the people who know about a show and don’t plan on going (for various reasons, all very possibly valid)
the people who don’t know about a show
now….falling in category one or two doesn’t make you a bad guy. It doesn’t diminish the support and love you have previously offered and it doesn’t qualify you for a lecture by someone who didn’t happen to see your face OR your heart in the building on said night.
We as performers MUST remember that!!!
We must keep in mind that just because the familiar faces we are used to don’t make it out to our shows sometimes, doesn’t mean they are doing something wrong…sometimes, in those situations, we should look at ourselves and make sure there is nothing we are doing to create the gap we are seeing. And in the event we don’t find ourselves at fault, that doesn’t mean to find them at fault. What about the people who are there??? Have these people heard us before? Could it be possible they are new fans, which would mean we are still impacting people on good scale? Sometimes the new audience gets lost in our desire to see the “old” one;
Which is equal a bad look as cursing out the old audience for being MIA….
With no curse words of course…
it’s one thing to brag about your show or even withhold the details of how it went to make a person feel like they just HAVE to be at the next one. It’s all fun and smiles… But its another to scold an audience as if they missed your last free show as a free artist. People have lives. Sometimes their needs interfere with their wants, sometimes they go with what they want, sometime pockets, rides, babysitters, hell hunger prevents them from making it to shows….sometimes the shows they miss are important to you…..but if you’ve performed 100 shows and you have a person who has made it to 99 of them….who the hell are you to get mad at them for not coming to the 100th. …hell , if they’ve made five of them….
Two of them….they don’t deserve a display of disrespect and disregard to what HAS happened for you….
Be grateful for what you get….every time you get it….you don’t HAVE to have an audience to speak for….there are talented people everywhere that no one EVER hears or will ever hear….it is a blessing….every face…new, old, familiar, young….each one is a blessing….!!!
This is a poet service wake up message!!! One of the reasons open mics fail (my opinion) is because of stuff like this…I’m willing to bet every open mic has at least one, if not a few, in house poets….poets who are well known, respected and who frequent the spot. SOMETIME’S these poet’s develop these out of control egos that take over the personality that was once loving and humble and create this concoction of an individual suffering from a Narcissistic God Complex….once “the people” get a wind of this, they start falling back….once the “other artists” get a taste of it…..they start falling back….suddenly the new people aren’t enough and a once favorite spot becomes known as “the now defunct” …..
Now you (the reader of course) can take this blog and do with it what you want….interpret how you feel…I know what I mean and what I don’t mean…. The point I am hoping to get across to the audience i.e. those of you who have supported me at any one point in my poetry life….whether it be one show, every or a few here and there…whether you bought a cd or I gave it to you and you listened…..let it never be said that you are not the fuel that keeps us performers going…without your ears…..
Your eyes…
Your warm bodies occupying space….your laughter, shouts, tears and roars of applause….without you….there is ONLY us…and our notebooks…
We need you just as much, if not more, than you need us….for every positive word of mouth, and even the negatives, that you have spread about us….
There is a blessing on a butterfly wing for you….sometimes we get so caught up in loving you that we forget all the important steps along the way that you took with us….and for that I ask for forgiveness for us all….it might sound cheesy, but it’s what I typed, so it’s how I feel….
And for my fellow artist:
The expression “never forget where you came from” doesn’t just apply to neighborhood connections…sometimes you feel hurt that you really don’t get to share…sometimes you have to sit on your feelings and see the bigger picture….sucks, but it is what it is….chastising your audience doesn’t make them want to see you again….to the contrary, it makes them want to leave….where ever you are….
It pushes them away….which is the last thing you want….people grow with you, grow you and let you fly away to the next….sometimes they stay with you forever….either way, your job is to respect the steps they’ve taken with you….in doing so, you almost assure yourself of seeing them again, when the time is more fitting and God has aligned all of your stars together.
….remember….they have a life that is more complicated than your schedule…and sometimes it just doesn’t work out in your favor on their end…
Being unappreciative is tricky becomes sometimes we don’t even know that’s how we are being perceived…..
sometimes, it’s just who we are….
Pick a side.
Stay on it.
But think about it carefully….one side has other people on it with you…
The other always winds up just you.
And let me just remember to say this….WriteOn the poetry spot, a local spot here in Indy, shut their doors for good about a year ago due to lack of support….everyone had their reasons for not coming and each reason was valid to them…but regardless of the why’s or why nots, we lost a BLACK OWNED venue that was dedicated to poetry….not to mention fixing up damn near an entire neighborhood….the owners were and still are people that while you might not see them out at every poetry event, you KNOW they support poetry….they support in ways that don’t require their attendance….now…all I’m saying is this….they’ve recently re-opened…
For my Indy poets, especially the ones with fingers pointed in every direction but their own, SUPPORT WRITE ON…..or rather….are you going to write on tonight…or will you need to turn that pointed finger on yourself?
nsay
9.23.2009
Finding Peace within Love
Since i posted the last journal, several things have taken place.....the monkey on my back finally got his eviction notice....he has moved and been replaced by a more "normal" monkey....you know the kind that worry about bills, getting a job, sinking as opposed to swimming....and that sorta thing....
anyway..i'm just going to post this freewrite that i wrote a few nights ago after a meeting with someone important ...keeping in mind this is of no surprise to that person...they read this LONG before you will have.....i am only posting it because i want it to be known that i am not a nonforgiving person....and i accept fault when i am supposed to.....and i move on when i am supposed to....and something i realized...in the process of packing for this new journey....it wouldnt be as fun without the people i have come to know and love.....and with turmoil circuling some of my main relationships, the only way i can carefully make sure that i am making the right steps, is to clear my head so i can focus on the steps i'm making.....so in clearing my head, i cleared the air, the water and the bullshit off the table....i learned that the peace i was searching for in this situation would only be found thru my love.....while i can't undo the decisions and i still stand by them, i'd rather stand by my decisions next to my friend, rather than stand by my decisions and wonder if my friend misses me as much as i miss them!!! Geeez...life...friendships....its all crazy as hell....but thats what pens and paper are for!
he knows i love him.
peace ya'll....i'll be posting something more journey-related tomorrow...in a rush today....
FREEWRITE 4 ALLEN 9/20/2009 6:36:27 PM
u lay in the basket of flowers on my table
sit on my couch without my authorization
inside of secret times when I’m by myself
nothing to hide
no front to put up
I cried
Like it were the last time tears would be granted access to paint white streaks down my cheeks
I miss you in seconds that last longer than hours
So I run to you
Open armed
Unarmed
White flagging a trail back to the beginning
Digging holes in the ground trying to uncover where we parted pages
Stages just don’t shine the same when you’re across town
Meetings don’t go as easy when you’re not around
We had purpose
And perhaps we served it
But we made friendship like lovers make love
Slow
Nice….
Easy…..
Cut our laughter’s orgasm short with arguments
But I stand at reconcile’s door knocking
Opportunity
I’m tiptoeing up the skirt of Ms. Flirt, trying to get a peek of the future
Will she birth the rebirth of our bond
Strong like steel panels that hold tight thru cyclones
You’re irreplaceable
A statue that someone stole from my front yard
I seek no replacement
I look at the hollowed out remains of where you stood and feel nauseous
Caution
I’m about to cry again
Losing a friend is like losing the limb you write with
Relearning what you already knew how to do is frustrating….
But the reward paints proud across your eyes
I closed my eyes and took to the skies inside of the words we fought with
Without armor
Guns blazing, cover me I’m going in….
Searching the burning building for my friend because he’s missing
Me
And I’m missing
Him.
So we
Agree …..to move forward thru this life backwards at a slow speed, high rate
Some things just don’t make sense
But fate only lies, when its waiting
I’m shaking the blood off of my heart and the crust from my face
You have a place
Inside my heart
My mind
And my life
More than a brother
Less than a lover
A perfect imperfection that compliments the smiles I try to wear
Missing you is like waiting on sunshine to break 30 days of night
Sometimes we need people in our life
In order to make it fun
The war is over
and because we are just too irreplaceable…
I guess friendship has won!!!
anyway..i'm just going to post this freewrite that i wrote a few nights ago after a meeting with someone important ...keeping in mind this is of no surprise to that person...they read this LONG before you will have.....i am only posting it because i want it to be known that i am not a nonforgiving person....and i accept fault when i am supposed to.....and i move on when i am supposed to....and something i realized...in the process of packing for this new journey....it wouldnt be as fun without the people i have come to know and love.....and with turmoil circuling some of my main relationships, the only way i can carefully make sure that i am making the right steps, is to clear my head so i can focus on the steps i'm making.....so in clearing my head, i cleared the air, the water and the bullshit off the table....i learned that the peace i was searching for in this situation would only be found thru my love.....while i can't undo the decisions and i still stand by them, i'd rather stand by my decisions next to my friend, rather than stand by my decisions and wonder if my friend misses me as much as i miss them!!! Geeez...life...friendships....its all crazy as hell....but thats what pens and paper are for!
he knows i love him.
peace ya'll....i'll be posting something more journey-related tomorrow...in a rush today....
FREEWRITE 4 ALLEN 9/20/2009 6:36:27 PM
u lay in the basket of flowers on my table
sit on my couch without my authorization
inside of secret times when I’m by myself
nothing to hide
no front to put up
I cried
Like it were the last time tears would be granted access to paint white streaks down my cheeks
I miss you in seconds that last longer than hours
So I run to you
Open armed
Unarmed
White flagging a trail back to the beginning
Digging holes in the ground trying to uncover where we parted pages
Stages just don’t shine the same when you’re across town
Meetings don’t go as easy when you’re not around
We had purpose
And perhaps we served it
But we made friendship like lovers make love
Slow
Nice….
Easy…..
Cut our laughter’s orgasm short with arguments
But I stand at reconcile’s door knocking
Opportunity
I’m tiptoeing up the skirt of Ms. Flirt, trying to get a peek of the future
Will she birth the rebirth of our bond
Strong like steel panels that hold tight thru cyclones
You’re irreplaceable
A statue that someone stole from my front yard
I seek no replacement
I look at the hollowed out remains of where you stood and feel nauseous
Caution
I’m about to cry again
Losing a friend is like losing the limb you write with
Relearning what you already knew how to do is frustrating….
But the reward paints proud across your eyes
I closed my eyes and took to the skies inside of the words we fought with
Without armor
Guns blazing, cover me I’m going in….
Searching the burning building for my friend because he’s missing
Me
And I’m missing
Him.
So we
Agree …..to move forward thru this life backwards at a slow speed, high rate
Some things just don’t make sense
But fate only lies, when its waiting
I’m shaking the blood off of my heart and the crust from my face
You have a place
Inside my heart
My mind
And my life
More than a brother
Less than a lover
A perfect imperfection that compliments the smiles I try to wear
Missing you is like waiting on sunshine to break 30 days of night
Sometimes we need people in our life
In order to make it fun
The war is over
and because we are just too irreplaceable…
I guess friendship has won!!!
9.19.2009
The House Jack and Jill Built
it is 648 pm and i am at panera bread watching as the sun makes it transition to begin a downward spiral....its a saturday and for the first time in years, i plan on hitting a club tonight...just to let my hair down and release some of the tension that has me so wound up....i am beginning a new journey....or should i say...i have begun a new journey....
just over a week ago, maybe longer, i made a decision that would impact me in ways i was yet unprepared for. After two years, i left the label that gave me my head start in this poetry game. This wasnt a decision that was made overnight. This wasn't some thing that i thought of once or made in a split second. This was something that had begun its creation months before and no matter how hard i tried to miscarry it, it was birthed after careful consideration. I was not only ending a business relationship. I was ending a friendship. Something that was even more dear to me. I have endured quite a bit during this relationship me and John Doe had together. While it wasnt the sexually charged relationship that lots of people thought it was and that i admit i dreamed of once or twice, it was for purposes a relationship. One filled with love. Respect. Concern. Honor. Had we been attracted to each other in that way, maybe we would have been a brilliant at home team.
But in all honesty, i never looked at him like that. And i'm pretty sure he never looked at me like that. Well...this is going to be the most honest blog i've ever had. This blog is about my journey and this story is the beginning of this new journey i'm on, so i'm going to keep it real. A couple of those dreams seemed real....and i must say a couple of times i saw him and wondered a bit. Let my daydreams float away with us together having grown folks fun, but for what its worth, thats not what i wanted. It never was. Had it have been, i would have went after it. I mean when i want it, i go for it. But that would have complicated us in bad ways and after all was said and done, we seemed to end up complicated anyway, so one can't help but to think, we should have just screwed each other and at least we would have had an orgasm to remember.
But he was my brother. He wasn't even my brother. He was more than that. He fell just under boyfriend but above brother, because in my life, being my brother was really nothing big to me. I had a brother...who had the same keep it moving disease my dad had, so being alotted a brotherly title didnt mean much of anything. He was my partner. I guess....can't really find a word for us.....we just seemed to have this connection built by our drive and dedication and it seemed like a perfect fit.
But somewhere
like always
things went astray. Without going into the details, because this would be the longest blog EVER, we broke up. Or i broke up with him. I left him, and his label. I felt like i was on his frontburner but he had the eye off. Somewhere, communication got lost. Which in my life, communication has always been a big big issue. We fell apart on the steps of the house we were building. And at one point, it was just us building this house. But in the blink of an eye, there were people moving there furniture in, but WE (notice i said we) were still hanging drywall. So i left. I felt like it would be best for me to tackle the rest of this journey alone and allow the label to grow into whatever its growing into without me. No hard feelings right?
Wrong.
This last week or two has been crazy. From sending and receiving subliminals, looking for accurate shoulders to lean on and listening to the shoulders discuss the tears that were dropped on them before i got to them was disheartening. I have become a shell of confusion, mistrust and pain. The people that i once looked at as my brothers, the same word that holds little meaning, but i forced meaning into it because these guys needed a named-role in my life and by far, and they weren't what "we" were, but they were special....so i called them brothers with the thought that they were attempting to rewrite its meaning for me, all turned into people that i stopped trusting. No one called.
emailed
texted...but my phone is off so go figure.
or anything else.....and that hurt....its like the house turned into the frat and they were more than happy to see me go.....and that was funny because some of the things that brought me to the decision i made, were about other people....here i am hurting and pissed off for others, and those others didnt even bother to say happy trails bitch!!!....
that hurt.
but more than that...he hurt me.....and he doesnt know how he hurt me because i havent told him yet....but he did.....and though i've extended the invite for us to discuss where we went wrong, i am dying on the inside at the thought of his ego jumping in and RSVP'ing a "no" to my invitation.....
and it hurts to admit that.....
but it is what it is....
but what all of this is....is a journey....i have butterfly wings on my back and at some point i plan on these very wings to take flight.....i have been told by too many people, Taalam Acey (not to be name dropping, but i mean damn) being one of them, that i have the talent. That i can do this....and if all these other people out here are able to do it, why shouldnt i open these wings and fly away...i never wanted to be grounded in indy...i want to move around....i feel like so many people DONT believe in me...they want me to settle for what they want for me...but i'm only willing to settle for the agreement i thought me and God had...
i am a free spirit that wants to touch the smallest of lives in the most deserted places....and this blog will chronicle it all....not only for your reading pleasure....but for my pleasure...the minute i have nothing to blog about, is the minute i need to be grinding....
but still
i'm missing him with each step i take....wishing we could rewrite our ending, but appreciating our beginning....
our beginning was my beginning.....last night was the first time i didnt do a show with the label and i wondered just about every five minutes if any of them were missing me like i was them....
and him....
i wondered if he put his best foot forward to hide the pain or if he no longer feels any....cause he had to feel something....i dont deny he cared and cares about me....we just started reading from two different books...thats all...we had a great run together....i think our friendship deserved more from the both of us...i dont want to just throw blame like im guilt free....i may not be.....
but i'm hurting....no facades....not doing this or saying this for paparrazi points....
its honest....
but i'm moving on....and it should be an interesting move....i have to rebuild my house....
this time its a solo spot....
maybe a condo....or a loft....but the good thing is i already have the tools....
so shall i build?
..."and if my pen should run out of ink before i awake, i pray my Lord takes my soul to a peaceful place, and lets my writings rest on the necessary shoulders so i will relive thru the tears of left behind loved ones."
just over a week ago, maybe longer, i made a decision that would impact me in ways i was yet unprepared for. After two years, i left the label that gave me my head start in this poetry game. This wasnt a decision that was made overnight. This wasn't some thing that i thought of once or made in a split second. This was something that had begun its creation months before and no matter how hard i tried to miscarry it, it was birthed after careful consideration. I was not only ending a business relationship. I was ending a friendship. Something that was even more dear to me. I have endured quite a bit during this relationship me and John Doe had together. While it wasnt the sexually charged relationship that lots of people thought it was and that i admit i dreamed of once or twice, it was for purposes a relationship. One filled with love. Respect. Concern. Honor. Had we been attracted to each other in that way, maybe we would have been a brilliant at home team.
But in all honesty, i never looked at him like that. And i'm pretty sure he never looked at me like that. Well...this is going to be the most honest blog i've ever had. This blog is about my journey and this story is the beginning of this new journey i'm on, so i'm going to keep it real. A couple of those dreams seemed real....and i must say a couple of times i saw him and wondered a bit. Let my daydreams float away with us together having grown folks fun, but for what its worth, thats not what i wanted. It never was. Had it have been, i would have went after it. I mean when i want it, i go for it. But that would have complicated us in bad ways and after all was said and done, we seemed to end up complicated anyway, so one can't help but to think, we should have just screwed each other and at least we would have had an orgasm to remember.
But he was my brother. He wasn't even my brother. He was more than that. He fell just under boyfriend but above brother, because in my life, being my brother was really nothing big to me. I had a brother...who had the same keep it moving disease my dad had, so being alotted a brotherly title didnt mean much of anything. He was my partner. I guess....can't really find a word for us.....we just seemed to have this connection built by our drive and dedication and it seemed like a perfect fit.
But somewhere
like always
things went astray. Without going into the details, because this would be the longest blog EVER, we broke up. Or i broke up with him. I left him, and his label. I felt like i was on his frontburner but he had the eye off. Somewhere, communication got lost. Which in my life, communication has always been a big big issue. We fell apart on the steps of the house we were building. And at one point, it was just us building this house. But in the blink of an eye, there were people moving there furniture in, but WE (notice i said we) were still hanging drywall. So i left. I felt like it would be best for me to tackle the rest of this journey alone and allow the label to grow into whatever its growing into without me. No hard feelings right?
Wrong.
This last week or two has been crazy. From sending and receiving subliminals, looking for accurate shoulders to lean on and listening to the shoulders discuss the tears that were dropped on them before i got to them was disheartening. I have become a shell of confusion, mistrust and pain. The people that i once looked at as my brothers, the same word that holds little meaning, but i forced meaning into it because these guys needed a named-role in my life and by far, and they weren't what "we" were, but they were special....so i called them brothers with the thought that they were attempting to rewrite its meaning for me, all turned into people that i stopped trusting. No one called.
emailed
texted...but my phone is off so go figure.
or anything else.....and that hurt....its like the house turned into the frat and they were more than happy to see me go.....and that was funny because some of the things that brought me to the decision i made, were about other people....here i am hurting and pissed off for others, and those others didnt even bother to say happy trails bitch!!!....
that hurt.
but more than that...he hurt me.....and he doesnt know how he hurt me because i havent told him yet....but he did.....and though i've extended the invite for us to discuss where we went wrong, i am dying on the inside at the thought of his ego jumping in and RSVP'ing a "no" to my invitation.....
and it hurts to admit that.....
but it is what it is....
but what all of this is....is a journey....i have butterfly wings on my back and at some point i plan on these very wings to take flight.....i have been told by too many people, Taalam Acey (not to be name dropping, but i mean damn) being one of them, that i have the talent. That i can do this....and if all these other people out here are able to do it, why shouldnt i open these wings and fly away...i never wanted to be grounded in indy...i want to move around....i feel like so many people DONT believe in me...they want me to settle for what they want for me...but i'm only willing to settle for the agreement i thought me and God had...
i am a free spirit that wants to touch the smallest of lives in the most deserted places....and this blog will chronicle it all....not only for your reading pleasure....but for my pleasure...the minute i have nothing to blog about, is the minute i need to be grinding....
but still
i'm missing him with each step i take....wishing we could rewrite our ending, but appreciating our beginning....
our beginning was my beginning.....last night was the first time i didnt do a show with the label and i wondered just about every five minutes if any of them were missing me like i was them....
and him....
i wondered if he put his best foot forward to hide the pain or if he no longer feels any....cause he had to feel something....i dont deny he cared and cares about me....we just started reading from two different books...thats all...we had a great run together....i think our friendship deserved more from the both of us...i dont want to just throw blame like im guilt free....i may not be.....
but i'm hurting....no facades....not doing this or saying this for paparrazi points....
its honest....
but i'm moving on....and it should be an interesting move....i have to rebuild my house....
this time its a solo spot....
maybe a condo....or a loft....but the good thing is i already have the tools....
so shall i build?
..."and if my pen should run out of ink before i awake, i pray my Lord takes my soul to a peaceful place, and lets my writings rest on the necessary shoulders so i will relive thru the tears of left behind loved ones."
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