And Then I …..moaned a lil bit.


It was the first time

that I want to many more chances to recreate

…..its after effects have treated me to doses of instant replays that send little tingles across my skin…..it wasn’t an accident; it was on purpose. It wasn’t on purpose; it was an accident.

It was spontaneous

it was simple

it was what the doctor would surely have ordered.  It was soft and sexy and hot and saucy.

It lasted

too short.

But it felt all good.

All over

and I’d do it again in a heartbeat instance …..it was exactly what I thought it would be

and then some.

And by the time the end began,

the flurries sprinkling thru my nervous system were jumping…..my heartbeat was different…

my relaxation was certainly not challenged but my desire was fully yearning…..and then

I moaned a lil bit.

My lightweight moan a mixture of a dare to continue and a warning to stop.

We stopped.


And reclaimed personal space.

But when I recalled that interaction the next day, at first I started smiling

and then

I moaned a lil bit.


Domino Mutha&@&*($! !!!

I will not let my heart be put on the battlefront anymore....

no more bullets

no more darts

no more taking shit for the team....

no more teammates who oddly enough like to dress in the rivaly uniforms.

Love has worked me over for the past 15 years.....

I just want to BE.

And if love is to BE with me, then so shall it be. But from this moment forward, i'm going to accept my life as it is....i'm going to stop complaining about love and wanting attention and looking like the desperate woman i have been looking like for the past few weeks.....the loneliness....the emptiness in my soul, my spirit, have hit an all time high.....and in the cyber world i have become wayyyyy to accustomed to, i have put my weaknesses out there to be seen, judged, gawked at and more than likely Laughed at.

That ends now.

From this moment forward, i am going to act like the grown old ass woman that i am.....and no matter how lonely i am, i have to deal with life as it deals with me....i have to treat it good regardless of what happens or how i feel about current situations.....and i will keep on fucking my shower (see, i'm too willing to share) because its safer....not just for my body....

My dopamine flow after a showerfed orgasm never has me waiting on the showerhead to call me....

miss me

or even be willing to love all that is me.....

and what i desire for this point foward in my life

is not to crave love like i do

to not want to share a connection with someone like that.....

if i'm not interesting enough

cool enough

dope enough

pretty, crazy, sexy or cool enough to have what it is i wish i were apart of ......

Then fuck it.


Fuck crying about that which i can't change

fuck writing poems about being lonely

fuck stats


fuck thoughts

fuck effort….can someone put effort in for me for once….fuck humans, I need an alien hubby. Shit.

and fuck sharing my vulnerabilities for all to see and laugh at.

I'm growing up a lil bit, little by little.

And this epiphany came to me this morning, that i've been doing much....easily what could be considered "TheMost" .......i've been TRYING too much....being TOO vocal.....being too willing to show the world i'm hurting for simple affection.....not fucking....just simple affection.....at first it felt like from a woman, maybe that would make others not feel so bad about being lonely sometimes.....but then to again, maybe i was hoping someone would relate to me and I wouldn’t feel so fucking weird and foolish….

Chasing fools gold

Looking thru old mines that were shut down years ago….for a diamond…..

Its all good. I’m just gonna back off my own neediness

And allow myself to just.BE.

Cause at the end of the day, no matter who you are with,

No matter how often

If you can’t just BE with yourself

Then you can’t BE anything good with anyone else.

And although I’ve always been good with myself, which is part of the fucking problem if not the reason in totality, I know that its time to stop wishing, wanting, telling, talking, missing, longing and yearning…..

And time to get my dogs nuts cut off

Paint my room

Get my furniture

And live my life and allow the chips to fall as they may.

Domino muthafucka.


Late Nite Love Purge.


Sitting here with tears streaming down my face and millions of miles per hour…..the time is 1115…..

so much is on my mind right now…so many people are on my mind….I’m running thru the list of mistakes I have made over the years….trying to find understanding from the things I’ve done or said, the places I’ve been and those I have failed, hurt or otherwise made feel less that wonderful…..

I’m lonely.

and I’m not upset that I’m lonely, I just wish there was someone I could call, someone I could sit next to and not have to shed these tears in solitude….I wish someone was here to take away the pain, if only briefly…I wish that a shoulder was present, that someone would give me reason to laugh, or smile or giggle thru the tears……

Someone who Wild Horses couldn’t drag away from me…..

In the last year, I’ve come to the conclusion I’m not meant to be married…..that I’m not “created” for someone…..not for motherhood, not for wife status…..and that LOVE in itself may be something I only get to experience thru friendship and family……


my fam is in the middle of a warzone again…..lets get this clear….when I say “my family”, I am referring to a very small group of people, but the bulk of my maternal bloodline.  We all live within a four block radius and in more than one case, next door to each other….its amazing how strained we are…..and it leaves something to be desired within me….so they, because this crap hardly ever includes me, are all at war with one another in some way for some reason that started some day or so ago…..and I’m sitting here, thinking about the aunt I blogged about a while back…..and wishing I had the power to be to her what I am to everyone else, because Lord knows she’s that and more to me…..but thru my strained family relationships, and lack of ability to allow any real emotion to be shown, any vulnerability to be seen, my aunt ends up with the shitty end of the stick from me by default….I mean I call, I talk to her, I take her what she needs, take her where she needs to go if she really goes….I try…but my emotions are stuck….and I hate that she feels like people hate her, and there is nothing I can do about it….

or nothing I know how to fix

and I guess I pissed off someone else today….totally non-family related….I just don’t fucking understand why…..

and that’s all I’m saying about that.

I just need a hug….like a genuine, arms wrapped tightly around me, forcing heartbeats to click together at the same on/off beat patterns…..I want to be comforted….

but alas, if I am not designed to share this life, then there is no reason I should be wishing I was.

As I sit here with my new Tiffany ring,

turquoise box looking at me

and a fistful of tears, I just for once, wish that love was not such a fucking chore…..as much as I root for and fight for love and try to push people to believe in it and keep the faith in love…I just wish that it would be a little bit easier for me…..at least in one avenue….I’ll even let it pick.

My house is changing  …..my old furniture is gone….I have two more pieces headed out the door if I can find someone to move them out for me……tonight tho, I really feel like pushing this desk out the front door and off the hill…..just cause it might make me feel better….

new furniture will be here soon….new bedroom color…..new open spaces in the house will reveal themselves to two dogs awaiting a new WrestleMania zone…

but I’m still lonely.

And I love being alone…..

but there is a difference. 

My loneliness isn’t about a man tho…..although I’d be another lie if I said I didn’t want to truly connect with someone….I just want to connect…..with someone who I like, who likes me…..and that shit is like pulling pussy hairs from a field of daisies….no pussy there right ?

my point exact.

but my loneliness is about something else….its about fearing the deaths of my family as they inch closer and closer to really old age….its from a strained relationship with a mom I live right next door to and would give anything in this fucking world, I mean, I would give up my ability to write if the rest of my life could be spent having a relationship with my mom like they have on TV……

its hard for me not to wonder is there something wrong with me….that I feel like my mom will never love me outside of a natural, almost instinctive love…..

no companionship, people are too untrusting to consider them good friends and I guess when you are too honest with people, that ruins friendships as well…..and I guess when you love too hard, it can backfire……my ex was my ex for the longest time EVER!!! What a bunch of wasted years and wasted times……I loved him…..as much as I knew how….as much as I could….I believed in him when he said lets give it one more try….and then he laid his cards out without ever realizing he sat at the table…..but I was lonely with him….completely lonely.  So it was useless …..


its just me.

its me and my two dogs

and my new tiffany ring….a ring I bought solely to replace an ex…..a super old ex, who’s gifted ring to me was still making daily appearances on my hand out of habit.  So I bought a cheap ring from Tiff that has New York New York engraved on it…..and hoped that the minute I looked at my hand, I would remember that I am right where I need to be….and that is closer to the future.  Whatever and where ever it is.

my family feels states apart when they are really just next door and around the corner…..my love life is empty and my sex life was recently asked to be described in a movie title, of which I picked Ghost.

My hormones are raging, I want a hug.

But its just me.

and my two dogs

and my new tiffany ring and a room full of shoes that I can’t wear all in one day…..material shit is worthless…its pointless……love tho….

that shit is an addiction without warrant.


I crave you.

but today I decided to stop waiting for you to come to my bus stop.


When Nothing Else Needs 2 B Said.


what do you do when you want to say something, but don’t know how to say it….or wonder if saying it is too much?? Doing too much??

Should you “have several seats (btw, I hate that I use this phrase….fucking conditioning) ???

how do you say something when nothing else needs to be said???

How do you say:



my arms are fragile…my skin is silky and requires lotion after showers….I would love to have my body drenched in cocoa butter, melting my complexion with the color of anticipation….and I’m thinking it should be with you…I’m thinking, it should be you on the rubbing end of the butter blend with my skin and yes I would be lying if I said I had not thought, at least three times, about interacting with your lips with French lessons…. * physical shrug *

so about this ‘us’

wouldn’t you like to be of apart of something amazing ?? daring to be different, or at peace or fuck it, in a mistake that felt so right at first…..do you not find this interesting ??? Do you not see this body, do you not see these hips longing for the thick kind of hands that have the perfect line contours that will allow them to feel me in ways no other person ever had or could

because they are not you

isn’t this interesting ??? That we might hit it off…whatever that means….that we might enjoy the company of each other…

I’m serious, are you laughing ?? Because to be able to carry all of this, all of this which has so often become a stressor or a lesson learned …, to be able to bear the ups and downs of being and bearing the candy your eyes are suckling on,

simply MUST be accompanied by an internal relevance that is unique in its own function…..this is serious,

wouldn’t you like to learn my functions? My clockwork ?? What makes me tick and what sets off alarms?? Wouldn’t you like to hit the snooze with me? ? Is prevention a good decision in our case?? Isn’t it worth the wait and the prolonged, longed nights that we lay under skies not doing what we want to?? You don’t want to anticipate with me??? Isn’t it worth it the anticipation..?? The desire?? The friendship development??? Look, no one is trying to Hub you ….

I’m not “LOOKING” for anything…definitely not serving my left hand up on a platter but if I’m all about living, shouldn’t I be trying to do it ?? Should I really just remain quiet when that hasn’t got me far in all this time?? I mean, look at you….I think you are worth it…I’ve studied your smile with careful peeking at least 26 times…and yeah, I’ll be bold for you….I’ll go there for you, I’ll dare to be vocal…dare to be loud….dare to let you know my eye didn’t have an eyelash in it, baby, that was wink…

I’ll say it to you…does it sound good yet?? Isn’t this interesting….

to see how my mind work?? I’m interested in yours??? What if we ended up being really great people who know each other?? Or lovers creeping out of bed sheets to jump and high kick in the hallway because the motion is good but the fact that the boat is intact makes the cruise the kind you never want to leave….Is this language foreign??

You don’t want to receive this gravitating orbit around the getting to know each other process ??? You think I can’t make you laugh??? Smile even ??

You think I’m better suited for someone else and you the same….….

another’s earned touch, a different type of peace

somewhere else….you think my plus one is somewhere else???


Maybe he is….

but let there be no mistake….this was not a bold act of defying my inner thoughts….this was no regret, this be not a remorseful situation

I am not the desperate …

I am just the grown….going for the gold even if I can’t have it…somebody better tell me no or I won’t quit….I won’t let up until what I want to be mine, IS.  ….

unless someone tells me no,

unless you tell me no,

unless we find each other looking into sterile eyes that hold tears and bullshit….lies and fool’s gold….unless we say no….,

then this entire conversation will go down as a proud moment for me…..and you will always have been worth the shot !


Q:What do you say when you want to say something but nothing needs to be said???

A: Say nothing.


…..music writing session….Iris (GooGoo Dolls), How to Save a Life & You Found Me (The Fray) & Chasing Cars (Snow Patrol).


A Smile with Hidden Truth

I type this thru a blurry of tears.
I’ve been here before …I’ve made this trek, this journey before. …I’ve experienced this at least two other times in my mid-length life, but it never fails to get easier.  You never become so experienced that the pain is lessened or that the tears are able to be kept at bay…..it always feels the same in some way: hurtful, scary and somehow, thru it all, beautiful at the same time. 
I type this thru less tears than what I started with.
Sentimental Mood is playing thru the headphones into my ears and the tapping of the keys makes one wonder if the piano player knew that every key he was hitting would sound like a memory to woman with more than a handful of them.  The horns will slowly bring this song back to the origin of its beat and again the sentiments will come back in a blurry of tears……
Yes, there it is….
The original melody returning near the ending
And the blurry of tears is less than what started but still just as prominent….yes, indeed I have been down this road before….i have loved and let go before….one of the my hardest things to do…but when given no other option but do so, I do.  With ease and a smile…..at least in front of those I’m letting go of. ...but at home, behind the smile, comes the sadness....but not a sadness that lingers....just a sadness for all that will change for us.
The first time,
I will never forget the day she left.  I had one a white shirt that came past my hips into a flare.  I had bought it from NY&Co….one of our favorite stores at the time.  That morning, we went out for Ocharley’s and I thought of all the times we would save NY&Co coupons and then go piddling thru the store looking for something to buy with our $25 off $100.  We were both fools for sales, coupons and anything that offered clothing at a discounted price or with free shipping….or both.  Lol…..at our Ocharley’s lunch date, we ate up rolls and laughed and talked and never really discussed how much things would change from that day forward.  I remember  as we got closer to my house, the reality set in and I kept having to remind myself not to let her see me cry. I have a thing about people seeing tears from me…..i’ve read its an Aquarius trait and that may or may not be true, but for me, in my life, it is very much so.  I don’t like to let people see me get to that level of emotion.  Its too vulnerable perhaps…..once we pulled into the driveway, the goodbye was rather swift.  We spoke about missing each other already and how we would not let distance kill a friendship that was so priceless.  And we both meant it well.  We got out the car and had her brother snap one last photo of us together.  She in her Race for the Cure shirt and me in my NY&Co. shirt.  We stood there with smiles that hid facts.  Fact was, we were sisters and one of us was embarking on a different journey.  A new journey.  And all the love and friendship in the world couldn’t stop that journey from happening.  And it needed not….for the truth about love is no matter where time and travel take us, true love exists beyond any earthly boundaries.  It is the ultimate gift to a person if treated correctly by all parties.  Love is love…if that makes any sense…..and between the  two of us, we had formed a bond, a lasting friendship and a true sisterhood unlike anything else for either of us with anyone else.  We had reached a level of mature understanding with each other that gifted us to not so much as have a small argument.  We had proved to ourselves that there were good people out there, us being two of them, that will treat you with respect and love at all times, minus judgement.  That is my sister.  And as I watched her car drive away to drop off her brother and hit the hwy to her new life, the tears started falling before I could get good in the house and although they would stop soon afterwards, because how dare I be sad that my best friend in the world was providing me with a new getaway ;)  , they wouldn’t be too far behind….i would tear up at different times remembering the facts that our smiles had hidden so well in our last Indy picture…..that life is a constant change.  And we as humans have to adapt to the change or die from it.  This change in my life and that of my sister’s would no longer allow us to come to opposite sides of town for late brunches or meet ups at OCharley’s for soft bread and honey butter.  But all in all, we never lost our spirit.  We never lost our comfort with each other and dare I say we grew closer together further apart.  We don’t talk every day as we are both such busy women.  But …that’s my sis. That is my sister.  I don’t even refer to her as a friend. She is my sister.  How we went thru life for so long not having known each other was out here is amazing.  Because all in all, we both needed each other very much. And not even  hundreds of road miles can change the fact that our love for each other stands right next to each other at all times.

The second time…..
another sister……..her move was more quickly executed.  She lived right around the corner from me and had only been there for less than a year when her life’s journey took her East bound.  I’ve always been a supportive friend.  In my mind I might be screaming at the top of my lungs PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME HERE WITH THE REST OF THESE PEOPLE, but aloud, all I will say is I will miss you.  We had become so used to the living room, the music and TheHealingClass…..nights of spontaneous laughter and dancing….dogs barking…..phone calls where we are looking at each other eye rolling the person on the other end…..we had partied, celebrated, cried, introduced each other and grown up together in my living room that was just big enough to contain all of our love without the house combusting.  She too was my sister.  She IS my sister.  She has a special place in my heart that will never cease to exist.  I will never fight for her attention or call attention towards myself and my undying ultimate love for her because we both already know it without speaking it.  Our inboxes reflect it. Our cyber laughter tells us how much we miss our living room chill sessions.  Girl talk…..laughs that just keep going on and on and on and us not knowing why we are even still laughing…..yeah.  That last day was another one just like the first.  A day that I was being told by the universe to let go of another sister without fuss or fight.  Another internal warfare of tears and melancholy but I take pleasure in seeing my loved ones make life choices and execute them….at least try it.  If it doesn’t work, plan B. …I’ll be there regardless.  So for all the sadness in the world, I was UBER happy for her because I felt she was not just leaving this state….she was entering a new state of mind.  A new journey towards self.  I felt like the opportunity for her to remember how well she smiles and how beautiful she is was not here.  I knew it.  She knew it.  God knew it.  So on she went.  I didn’t hug her nearly as tight as I should’ve.  I never do.  My hugs suck, but its not on purpose. It’s a part of me, that part of me that doesn’t like to let ppl see me cry, that tries to keep me from showing just how much X-moment means to me. I want to get better with that.  But I didn’t hug her tight enough….i didn’t want her to cry.  I didn’t want her to see me crying.  Surely I was a semi-pro at this right ? When she left and there was no car in sight and her house was empty, I drove up the street one good time and kissed her goodbye without her knowledge.  I blew one towards her old house and prayed her safe travels just as I did the prior time I journeyed down this type of road.   She had a much longer travel than my other sis.  But she was going somewhere to find something. Herself, love, life…..one of those….all of those….and who was I to hinder it in anyway with my sadness.  Once it had all settled and set in and I realized yet again in life, my person was gone, it was mind blowing…..how do I manage to keep sane when my CLOSEST people keep leaving me??? Is this God’s way of telling me to leave too ??? Surely it is…..i never told her how much it hurt me to know she was leaving.  I kept trying to be a pillar of strength for what I knew was already a hard but necessary decision.  She was gone.  She arrived safely in her new destination and all I could do was truly be happy for her.  She would come visit.  Just like my other sis.  And once again, I had another place to visit !!! J  On the side of the country I love the mostest !! J  Sooooo dare I complain ?  Why should I? Truth is, her move may be the main factor behind the reason we were able to share my favorite city together at least once! Her move brought us closer to a moment we both had only talked about millions of times in my living room with the music playing and the dogs barking.  We still create memories.   Our sisterhood never let up for a minute.  That love I tell you….it will never. Leave. You. …..unless you let it.

Today is happening.
We are in the throws of it right now.  We can’t turn back the clocks, we can’t undo the damage or change the past.  We can’t make those who were once here but are now far away reappear and we can’t become complacent on being hurt.  We can’t linger too long in the fact that people move and leave and friendships change and seasons change and shit happens.  Right now, we are 13 or so days way from spring.  A new growth season is upon all of us. Pretty soon , the cold snowy days will be a memory.  The trees will begin producing new buds of flowers and leaves and the birds will come out earlier and earlier as the mornings brighten sooner and sooner.  On this day, a woman I met and found myself in a really healthy friendship with, is in the midst of a life changing decision.  This woman also became my sister. And its funny because for so long, I thought people only have a handful of friends (real ones) and an even lesser amount of people they would actually consider family, much less call fam.  I don’t know how true or false that statement is in life in general, but speaking from my life and my experiences, I have found myself to finally be surrounded with goooooood people.  People who are so good that they defy the logic of friendship and become true sisters without intent.  It just happens.  You just look and realize “hey, this person is truly my sis…she would have to be to do xyz”…… I am making the walk down the plank of life with another sister.  A Queen who simply put is a DOPE ASS PERSON!! Like, in real life.  And in real life, we are slow strolling down this plank together.  But its not a plank of death and/or destruction….this plank is LIFE.  At the end, there is not a jump for water.  There is a liftoff towards the skies.  I stand next to another sister who is about to spread her wings and find herself in flight.  When I helped her clean her house up for showing, it felt like the scene out of Sex in the City when the girls helped Carrie pack up her house and at the end, they all stood there and laughed that laugh that hid the truth…..the truth being, things are changing. 

  Yes things are changing.  And I couldn’t be more proud or more honored to watch another sister take flight. ….she’s experienced a lot.  As did my other two sisters.  Indy holds so much intense pain from various outlets for all of us.  When I think about all four of us as a whole,  its hard for me to fathom how I’ve stayed here within the confines of my pain for so long but I’m looking  for my out.  Its just not my time yet.  When it is, I trust that I will know.  In the meantime, I will keep working towards that liftoff for me personally so that someone else may hold in tears behind smiles that hid the truth.   But my sisters, all three of them, found this place to be a place of pain and love, hurt and happiness and time and space.  They’ve spent their time here….now its time for space.  Distance….this sister of mine still has a some months left before she opens those wings out completely and I watch her flight while pretending the wind is what is making my eyes tear up.  But this is the countdown.  That countdown I’ve experienced two other times.  And I’m not a pro…..and although my eyes are not blurry at this moment, bits and pieces of it coming together do make me tear up. …but again, not in a bad way. ….not even in a selfish way….almost in a melancholy-joyful way.  Another sister I will hate to see leave but will love to watch her fly.  She deserves it.  So did my other two.  As I see her get closer and closer to the end of this plank, as much as the grand finale will pain me internally, I would be a lie if I said I am not inspired.  Not just by her leaving, but by her fearlessness….all one needs is a drop of it, kinda like melanin, and you can overcome anything that makes you want to turn around and run.  She is not running.  She is walking, in her own pace, towards the lift off….and her wings are not at her sides…..they are opening…..as a matter a fact, they are moving…..finding their footing out here…..and pretty soon, she will be another teaching moment for me…..a moment that dares me to say enough already, I want in on that ! Another moment for me to reflect and ask myself am I am too scared ??? Another moment of inspiring sisterhood.
I have three women that I look at like direct family.  Closeknit sisters.  Kin.  Beyond friendships.  These women have already made or are about to make a new life decision.  A huge one.  A sometimes lonely one, a hard one, a fun one and albeit, a BEAUTIFUL one. 
This IS TheScaryBeautiful. 
This is life.
This is not loss.  This is not ending friendships or sisterhoods or losing touch with each other.
This is a new beginning…..
This is LIFE.  …..a new chapter.  A new blossom on the tree just in time for spring. 
A new place on another side of the country that I get to run too sometimes ;)  
This IS sisterhood.   
Its selfish to wish  they would stay or come back or to wish I was going to.  But I’d be a lie if I said those things weren’t true.  Its hard to get close to people and then have to let them go.  But this isn’t letting go as in cutting ties.  This is letting go and letting live. Indy simply isn't big enough to hold all four of these personalities together.  The light that emits from the four of us individually is enough to rival Times Square. 

  Thru love, true love indeed, none of these bonds will ever be broken.  Space is just room for love to grow right ?  I believe so. 
So on this day, while I am no one’s professional at seeing off my sisters,
I look at it with a tear….a glossy, blurry tear that is welled up behind my retina…..and even tho this blog is sorta tell all-ish, she will likely never see that tear when it falls.  I want her to be wished well and from the heart.  I want her to grow.  I want her to LIVE….and be FREE.
Just like I wanted for my other sisters.
So I guess the only thing I am truly a pro at, is putting on this smile to hide the truth. The truth being, although my love will never change, I will (or already do) miss the hell out of my sisters...but i am SOOOO fucking inspired by you ladies....your fearlessness and your belief in you!
I love you ladies.