120 Market Street: After the Good Fight Starts

At first there were four.

Allen Imagery, Tony Styxx, Mike Perez and nSAYchablePoet made up the individual poets and MCs of the label, Fighting Words Poetry which began in late 2007/early 2008.  

We met every Tuesday night at our downtown studio headquarters, located at 120 Market Street. There are (or at least were) a few other studios in the building, as well as other black start up businesses who were renting smaller office spaces. It had a 'We Can Succeed' feeling because there were plenty of other African Americans there. The elevators remind me of Gotham City (NY) and the office spaces were simple but the shared meeting rooms were futuristic and fancy. We would meet to discuss shows, strategies, individual careers and other business....and of course the proverbial tom foolery and spontaneous jam sessions.

Together we toured around the Indianapolis area and nearby cities doing shows at colleges, poetry venues and for charity functions. While we were not a group, we were without doubt a family who shared the same type of love for the arts and similar artistic goals. We released two compilation CDs; “FW Presents: Lights Out” and “FW Presents The Good Fight”, as well as a few individual EPs and singles. We also headlined a huge show for The Sanctuary, which was hosting their open mic at the convention center during the Indiana Black Expo (IBE). We tirelessly on that show as it was one of our biggest to date. It included a live band, a dancer, backup singers and of course, poetry. This would be one of our last shows with the four original labelmates.

Fighting Words went through quite a few internal changes and continued to achieve greatness with each step, however, by 2014 everyone had gone their separate ways, and the label was defunct.

But in an effortlessly, magical way, something else happened over the course; A lifelong camaraderie and familial bond was formed that would not only stand the test of time and trials; it also allowed the door to open for us to work together again in different capacities.

As a part of my End-Of-The-Year Wrap Up Series, of which each of my blogs will receive their own EoTY post, I decided to make this one about life after Fighting Words. This is NOT a full detailed account of each other’s years; rather this is a quick summary of friendship and successes that started in the foundation of a label created for poets, as well as a few highlights of 2014.

This is for the times I have trolled old pictures, smiling and laughing and remembering-the-times with a sudden urge to talk about them to someone. This is for the energy created between us that will outlast our lifetimes and continue to exceed our expectations. This is for the nonstop work that has been put in  relentlessly despite the times we thought we were either failing or needed to quit….and we kept going.  And look where it got us!!!!!!!! This is for those Tuesday nights, at 120 E. Market Street, when four people got together and dreamed bigger, in fancier shapes than a circle.

Mr. Precendent – Allen Imagery – Joseph Allen Woods -  aLLEN was the brain of FWP; it was his spark that pulled all of us together. Organization. Branding. Staying ahead of your next goal. The importance of being humble. Vulnerability. Knowing how to poke fun at yourself. Allowing yourself time to laugh. Allowing yourself time to get a little crazy.
All of these incomplete sentences are descriptive phrases of attributes that aLLEN possessed. When we learned from him, as well as each other, it was very natural; never forced. aLLEN was our conduit to our futures. He showed us possibilities and ways to not just dream, but achieve. He made us responsible for our art AND for who we were. He taught us to be conscious of our actions, reactions and the name we made for ourselves….in every way we were making that name. He owned a strong business mind and combined his growing expertise with art and poetry and created ‘Our BRAND’. #BrandingGladiator  After FW, aLLEN (which he still prefers to be called), grew his name from aLLEN iMAGERY, to Joseph Allen Woods, got married and moved to Cincinnati, OH.  Poetically speaking, aLLEN no longer performs poetry on a regular basis, but he does still remain in the public eye. In addition to continuing to run the AI Design Group, speaking at engagements and co-founding the NOW Business Boot Camp (an entrepreneur workshop), he recently joined forces with two partners [William & Derrick] and together they have launched “MORTAR” in the Cincinnati area.  MORTAR plans to educate “low income urban entrepreneurs” on building their business and neighborhood through a ten week workshop course. There is also an opportunity for entrepreneurs to do a test run, Pop-Up Shop, in the quickly developing Over-The-Rhine neighborhood.

aLLEN was also the lead director on ‘The Healing Project’ for Sidney Lois Eskenazi Hospital, in which local poets wrote and created videos regarding Healing, to be available in all patient rooms at Eskenazi. These are only a few of the highlights of 2014/life after Fighting Words, but it is always a heartwarming feeling to see someone you care about soar in all that they are. Granted, we all have times where things get tough and we doubt ourselves, but who we are will always prevail and what is FOR us cannot be challenged…unless we really want it to be. aLLEN may not be found on an open mic spitting poems about Blue Violents and Yet Holding On, but Sir is holding tight to who he is and what he wants for his and his family’s life. The very techniques for artistic survival of the fittest that he instilled in his Fighting Words counterparts, are the exact weapons he is using to destroy the stereotypes of black men, black business’ and neighborhood accountability.

The Rookie – Muppet Face  - Styxx – King Styxxers
Dude was on his way to the air force when we first met. He did a poem called Naptown Nights, almost shy like in presentation, with his hoodie covering his head; quite the ironic stealth mode considering we were surrounded by large glass windows, Broadripple lights, traffic and people. In FW, Tony was known for having a sometimes less than stellar attitude, but an impressive hunger for knowledge, music and poetry. He could switch from gritty and grey poems to love notes with a hip hop swing in a swift round of an applause. He definitely brought the ‘little brother’ vibe to FW and I doubt that I would be overstepping my guesses by assuming we all were a bit protective of Styxx. We all wanted to give him the world in all of it’s truth and still stop it from hurting him at the same time. The impossible. He grew in front of us. He could be hard headed with some….make that LOTS of resistance (in certain areas). But his art never suffered. No matter how long he would go without writing, when he put pen to pad again, it was as if he never missed a letter. And when he put foot to stage, therein lies #TheBeast

King Styxxers….the human beat box. The hip hop head. The dude that knows every JayZ lyric. The realest. The poet. The thinker. The achiever. Fighting Words was Tony’s #Bootcamp into the artist life where he was able to explore both his hip hop and poetic personalities. He has spent time as a full time artist with continued travel in and out of Indiana, as well as headlining many workshops in partnership with local schools and community centers. Styxx is the host of host his own open mic (with partner Amber Michelle) V.O.W. (Vibe on Wed.), which is currently running every other Wednesday at Latitude 39. He has become a favorite among Ball State Students, opened for Jasmine Guy, released CDs, coached for the Cincinnati Louder Than A Bomb poetry slam team and performed for renowned poet Mari Evans.  He also was a participant in The Healing Project for Eskenazi Hospital.

This year alone has saw Tony achieve television status via WFYI/PBS, featured on the side of an Indygo bus as apart of the #IAmAnArtist series and performed with the Symphony Orchestra. Since this my blog and not his resume, I won’t continue, but as one can see, Tony has taken what he learned from being a part of Fighting Words and used it make it to each new level of his life a TKO.

Mike PHarez – Pharez- Damascus -The Peace Maker – Mikey Perez is what I called him and he was never a dreamer; Mike was always on a #Mission. He focused on the now and the future and he knew just what his future would entail. I remember being blown away by Mike’s poetry at the same place I would go on to meet Tony Styxx (The Cypher, Starbucks). His Puerto Rican accent mixes with a crisp awareness that pleases the ear and draws you in. His poem was emotionally political without being abrasive. His aura was love. He eventually became my brother and roster-member in Fighting Words. I don’t know what his poetic plan was or if there even was one. I think Mike was with us because it was destiny; not because he intended on releasing a CD and slamming and touring open mics. He always knew he wouldn’t be in the States long. He was vessel to be used by God to bring change and sunshine in the very underprivileged and sometimes dangerous places outside of the US that he spoke of in his poetry. I loved him for it. You hear people SAY ‘yeah, I’m gonna do missionary work’ and die without having volunteered at the local shelter. But Mike is made with something else. When he spoke it out loud, it sounded grounded in destiny.

He knows he’s good at writing and speaking, but rather than using it as HIS game, he uses it as A PART of his global change. Thailand. Burma. Honduras. And that’s not all. It’s been at least three years (if not four) since Mike left the US. He has only returned a few times and just over a year ago I, along with Tony, was able to spend a bit of time with him and hear about his mission work.
 #MissionHeir Michael Pow Kwar PHarez. 
He is really out there, walking barefoot in scary places most of us would never think to go. His pictures tell a thousand stories and even a stranger might feel proud to know Mike. And yes, he is still sharing his poetry, bringing a glimpse of God’s Light wherever he touches down. I don’t think he’ll ever stop. And he shouldn’t.

And that is the difference between dreamers and Missionaries: Dreamers can always wake up and go back to normal. Missionaries can’t stop until their heart does.

nSAYchable Poet- januarie York -The Dreamer - …….and then there is januarie. Me. The split personality having, dreamy-artsy chick with a hint of Audrey and a message from Carrie Bradshaw.  I came into Fighting Words still getting my feet wet on the microphone and figuring out who I was and what I even wanted to do with my poetry. I had NO ideas, plans, thoughts. I just knew I couldn't stop. I can hear the difference in recordings from when I made my first EP to the last track I recorded for La Douleur Exquise. I can hear the ‘baby’ in me, or the ‘wet behind my ears’. Lol. I could say so much but I have said LOTS already and I don’t want to go on about me. Basically, I learned how to dream beyond my wildest expectations. I don’t know if I would have ever thought to do some of the things I have done had I not been around these guys. I feel like I really grew up with them. Like we went back to childhood and that’s not true. Only during our time in FW did we form these unbreakable bonds that we each share collectively and as individuals. These are my brothers. I learned from them. I think about our growing season and our unfolding futures and wonder do they know how much of an impact that time we spent had?

I learned how to be bold and loud and yet passive and quiet when necessary. I stretched my wings and allowed people into my personality and my poems. I credit a great deal of that to Fighting Words. This year opened with me being a featured poet for Meet the Artists, the annual African American Arts Festival held at the Central Library. I too was apart of The Healing Project for Eskenazi, which was not just a blessing, but an honor to work with my brothers again. The ribbon cutting ceremony was held in the summer. I also moved around with my poetry by acting a little bit. I've been in two plays, one of which I was the lead character (Wizer of Oz) and the other being a theatrical adaptation of the movie ‘For Colored Girls’. I played Rose (Macy Gray in the movie) and also wrote two additional poems that were featured in the play and due to popular demand, we will be returning in February (perfect timing) for an encore show. I currently run two semi-frequent blogs, one being for the Indianapolis Recorder. The highlight of my year came when I hosted the ‘The Queen B. Legendary Ladies Ball’, modeled after Oprah’s Legends Ball. A good foundation and a floor to through will raise a healthy artist that dreams and achieves with each success AND failure. Thank you FW : )

This is a long blog.  So I’m gonna wrap it up. In conclusion I say this: I remember one Tuesday night, at the studio at 120 Market Street, aLLEN played a track and told us all to write to it. Whatever we thought of, whatever we said, just write. The key word was OPPORTUNITY.
He put the track on loop.
Mike went inside the booth and shut the door. I honestly don’t remember where the other three of us spaced out at. I was possibly at the desk, Tony on the floor and aLLEN near the keyboard. Or I could have just made that up.
After a little bit of time, we were all done. No one spoke a word during the writing session. Instead, we each breathed that very essence that drew us together in the first place and let it just ‘happen.’ The finished product was featured on the Lights Out cd.

It basically summarizes what brought us together. It may seem like poetry, it may even seem like arts. But in actuality, it was God. It was divine order. A calling that each of us had no choice but to answer, for we would be each other’s family for life. The way this poem came out, without any exchange or any premeditation is something that could only happen if the love being produced is thicker than water…….and blood.

Cheers to my brothers. We ARE an opportunity ever evolving. And what God has joined together.....................

You make me proud and I lo0oooOOOooove you EVERmore.




Well the day I have secretly been hoping would come, actually came : )

I perform at Eskenazi Hospital, as a part of the artists who were commissioned for work there, on July 29th. I don't know what time as of yet, but this is great news.

Better this great,

This is awesome....this is the completion of THEE biggest contract via poetry of my life...so far ;)


Good day Silencers

Its been a minute.....

I have a lot of blogs now...

and a lot of places to spazz out and vent....i am currently OFF the Facebook circuit indefinitely.....i can't handle that abundance of opinions anymore....its like if you disagree with folks on fb, you are the anti-Christ....i watched so many ppl become annoyingly upset about the breast feeding debate....folks who were opposed were angry at folks doing it....mothers who were for it were angry at ppl who were against it.....

and then there was ole middle ground ass JY.....i don't oppose or support.....i mean, i guess i support it...i know i don't oppose it....i'm just ....there. I don't have kids.....and i could go into the 'if i did have kids' tyrant, but the fact is that i don't and if i know one thing for sure, that is we can say what we WOULD do IF so and so happened, but that does not make it LAW.......so, i will bypass that and simply say, in a forum where my opinion IS what counts the most (and there are no readers since i don't post the links to this and Queen, my avid no link necessary reader is gone), i can say this:

As a woman without children, it makes me lose some of my comfort when breastfeeding occurs in front of me.....i ain't gonna say anything....i'm not gonna request it end or anything, but to auto assume that I am or SHOULD be comfortable when breastfeeding happens is unjust...i'm not a parent, so i don't share that same mentality and if i were, it might would change (or it might not), but for what its worth, i RESPECT what is happening and adjust my lack of comfort to the situation......it doesnt put me in such a space that i can't operate functionally any longer until its over....its just makes me 'lose some of my comfort"......its called a COMFORT ZONE  for a reason:  "because it is what we are used to".....

I don't even have children/babies in my regular life, so its not something that i am accustomed to being around or being privy to, therefore, when it happens, if it happens while i am around, why should it be EXPECTED that i am ok???? Not that ME is the most important factor in that moment......and that is what began my descent from the facebook world.....

It seemed as though sharing my opinion on that would have gotten me banned from the cool girls circle, which i never asked to be apart of in the first place and cannot confirm that i AM apart of today....however, the idea of profiled people coming at me with cyber pitchforks because i have differing opinion made me sick to my stomach......as someone who has become increasingly OPEN about my opinion, it made me shut the fuck up and while i wasn't cowered over in the corner, i wanted to speak up for those who might feel like me, without getting 100 moms all over my comment section, all capping me about what the problem was....so i said nothing. And that pissed me off....because i felt like i SHOULDNT say anything......

Which is the problem....i SHOULD...i should be able to have an opinion that isn't the same as yours and we should both be able to be PASSIONATE about it.....without arguing.....i'm an accomodater tho....so i understand that my breakdown often occurs at me trying to make sure comfort is experienced around me as much as possible.....hmmm...i should blog about it on the Recorder site and show how bold i really am....but i don't want to deal with that....idk, perhaps i will...also, ACCOMODATER is NOT a word. BTW.....

Anyway....from there went the jailed mugshot dude, of which i felt like the pitchfork team was gearing up to come after me about him because i disagreed with new found celebrity......but i digress....its not that disagreeing that pushed me....its the PRIVILEGE that too many ppl are finding along the mean streets of facebook and that is that THEIR opinion takes precedence over ALL things......and that simply is not the truth.....none of our opinions are better than the other.....the only better thing is the TRUTH and in some alleyways, there is NO truth to be had; there is simply opinions......

So i bailed...because i am over my neck in people's opinions and their defense and subsequent cyber crucifixion of other opinions...yeah, that IS going to be a blog.  Seriously......

i came to say something completely different than what i am saying...i can't quite remember what that was because i apparently just went on a long tangent, so i digress,

step back
and i feel like writing....so i shall. :)  I MISS YOU QUEEN. <3 nbsp="" p="">


* shrugs *

.........................Oh life, how i love thee ....


I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings................

A free bird leaps
on the back of the wind   
and floats downstream   
till the current ends
and dips his wing
in the orange sun rays
and dares to claim the sky.

But a bird that stalks
down his narrow cage
can seldom see through
his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and   
his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings   
with a fearful trill   
of things unknown   
but longed for still   
and his tune is heard   
on the distant hill   
for the caged bird   
sings of freedom.

The free bird thinks of another breeze
and the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn bright lawn
and he names the sky his own

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams   
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream   
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied   
so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings   
with a fearful trill   
of things unknown   
but longed for still   
and his tune is heard   
on the distant hill   
for the caged bird   
sings of freedom.

#RIH <3 nbsp="">



Oh to be loved.
Sometimes I wonder if this isn’t a myth in my life.  I wonder if there is really a person somewhere out there, awaiting the moment he will finally find me. He’s supposed to find ME right?
Often, I find myself grooving to the beautiful sounds  of love from the writings and recordings of singers, who according to top hits and underground language, always manage to showcase the feeling of love and being loved so eloquently in bars of sixteens.  One of my favorite songs right now is Beyonce (yes Beyonce…unlike lots, I’m neither apart of her cult of followers or haters), “XO”.  I think the composition of the music screams love. A fun, fluid love that is full of motions. 
I listen to this song and wonder if that will ever be true for me.

Most times,

My internal answer is no.  If we create our reality, then it is quite possible that my subconscious has chased away the love of my life because I do NOT believe that he exists. I KNOW for fact that he is no where near the state lines of Indiana.  I’ve given up on every.single.man. in this city and truthfully speaking, not a single one of them has an opportunity with me.  I don’t even mean that like “I’m THAT girl and every man should be broken because  he stands no chance with the likes of me”; I’m not the shit like that. I’m a woman full of mistakes, a past, a following, a lot of confusion and emotions. I have flaws as much as the next person and I still believe that I am a good woman.  But to say that I am even WILLING to date or entertain any of these dudes in this city would be telling a lie to myself first. I will not give my number, body, emotions, time or otherwise any other part of me to any one in this city. I don’t need that shit.
Nor do I want it.

I want to just …..move.  



You were the type of friend that embodied every part of me that you adored and never wavered, even when I encouraged you to.

You read every blog. EVERY blog, no matter the level of importance to me, you read. You read my main blogs, my side blogs, my start up blogs, and my unfinished blogs.  You attended shows….you came over before shows to upwind with me and then after shows (if you could make it) to unwind.  We had so many parties of two, that I don’t know who I am supposed to do this with now. 
So I concede to do it with no one.

I appreciate everyone in my life.
But right now, in this moment, as I listen to this song by Kelis (Runnin), I am realizing that you are gone. Most days, I pretend mentally/subconsciously that you are a phone call away.  But you aren’t. And every time I post a blog here, and it has ZERO views because I didn’t attach a link to fb, I am reminded that you are gone.

Usually, I would always see ONE person had read it. It never says who, it just does a number count. I always knew it was you.  Never confirmed it.  Now I have.

….the worst part of death is I don’t know if I will EVER see you again, or if I do, if you will even remember it was me.  



When is the last time you saw a SUPERNOVA burst open and spray the environment with a type of energy that can only be witnessed and experienced ????

Well if never before,
allow me to introduce to you my sisterfriend, my homegirl, my ace in vegas, my friend, NAZ KHALID!!! If you ain't know before now, well, just click play and then, SHARE!!!! LETS GO VIRAL WITH SUBSTANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Without further a due...#PIFREQUENCY #directedbyjace Produced by DJ Lou Bey




I’m going to try this…..and see what becomes of it. I feel overwhelmed and like I can’t move right this second and I’m at work so that’s not the best position to be in…I’m sitting at my desk, with a face full of tears……I’m getting my billings wet from tears all over my face and my makeup is running all over the place….thank God I only wear eyeliner but that might be the worst …..

I’m listening to I Hope You Dance, by Gladys Knight…..her version of this played at the end of The Family That Preys Together (Tyler Perry), of which Alfrie Woodard & the lady from Misery played best friends…..by the end of the movie and at the point of which this song was introduced, one of them had passed away and the other was delivering her eulogy at the funeral……I remember when I would watch that movie, I would always think “I don’t think I could ever do that” …..but never did I think, like NEVER did I think,  I would be placed in a similar situation…….
There is no way to prepare for loss…..
But unexpected loss is something that takes the breath away and restoring it is what one day a time was made from……the tears are stilling rolling down my face, as I think about her eyes…..
Her skin…..her locs……how excited she used to get when her hair was freshly done or especially when it was colored…..i can still hear her laughter, her snickers……her ROTF moments where she would cover her mouth and try to contain herself but was so amused that the laughter slowly made its way up and out her body until she was literally on her side, cracking up……
I remember those times…..we shared so many of them…..so ooooo many moments ……so full of laughter…..
42 days ago, my cell phone rang at my desk….i  just happened to have it out in front of me where I could see it….normally its in my desk or in my purse, on silent……I saw who was calling and since this person was normally at work during these hours, I knew something was up….i answered quickly…….she told me our mutual friend, one the closest people to me ever, had suffered a stroke…..within the hour, I had left my job and was speeding up the highway to get the hospital so when she opened her eyes, she would see me sitting there just like the last time she had been hospitalized……she mentioned in our recent connection how much it meant to her to awake from her hospitalized slumber and even in her semi-unconscious state, she saw me sitting there……i planned this time would be no different……
Some of the loose change thoughts I had as I drove around 465 was her speech…..whether or not it would be slurred and how bad……or if her left side (or right) might suffer paralysis……I wondered things that spoke of survival…..never for the slightest second did I think it was life altering…..even though before leaving work, I had spoken to our mutual friend again, who had then informed me that the stroke was ‘bad’ and that she was no longer breathing on her own……there were still things in my mind that I had not considered……
I arrived at the hospital…..
Walked in with urgency, walked up to the front desk and it was as if the woman there knew who I was there for….she gave me the room number without blinking her eyes twice…..i got off the elevator on the second floor, headed towards the ICU and from the moment my feet stepped into that long hallway with the windows on one side, it was as if everything moved in slow motion…..
And has yet to start.
I walked around the slight bend of the hallway,
Saw a glass closed off waiting room with some of her family in it…..on the way up the hallway or perhaps it was after I got in front of the waiting room and realized I had no power to go behind the big silver doors where she was, two women spoke to me, hugged me and began talking to me….i don’t even remember who they were…..they knew me…..i couldn’t get an ID on them in my mind…..i just went with the flow…..i still don’t know who they were……the first thing I saw to my right were elevators with the title “the purple elevators” …….my heartbeat moved with a sense of urgency upon seeing that……the elevators were indeed several shades of purple….my sisterfriends favorite color.
As me and the two ladies stood outside the big grey doors, one of them took me to the side and said ‘I guess I should tell you this’ or something that nature….. “she’s bleeding in her brain stem” ……

((((((( SILENCE ENSUED )))))))
Or maybe it didn’t….i really don’t know, from the moment my brain processed that statement, my urgent heartbeat shattered …….i nearly fell to the floor and moved towards the back of the side hallway we were standing in so as to gather myself……I wasn’t about to fall apart like this…..it meant I was losing hope too quickly….i didn’t see our mutual friend or anyone else I knew directly, so I regained composure with tears circling my eyes still and walked back out into the main hallway just in time for the silver doors to finally open up…..someone was coming out…..it was a black man with a black suit on …..me and the two ladies stood close the opening, all lined up, as he walked towards us……
…….as he introduced himself,  my life started changing by the second and wouldn’t stop.
Everything moved in slow, almost silent motions…..as if I was not hearing words….i was watching letters fall out of lips, one at a time and then deciphering what words they were and creating sentences….
Is …………………
And I


………………………………………………………………..at that moment I noticed it…..his tie was purple…..and so were his gym shoes….his shoes were COMPLETELY purple…….the day prior to this day, i was walking out of H&M, and a purple tutu caught my eye....it was for a little girl....i only knew of one young girl/baby and she was only recently born (one month-ish at the time).....but i could not leave that purple skirt there....
it gripped me....i grabbed it and went and WAITED in line, past my lunch break time, to buy this skirt for a 1 year old, that i planned to send to someone with a one MONTH old....it made NO sense....but i couldn't leave it there......

At that moment
Right then, at that second, I put it all together…..
I was at the hospital…..one of my best friends was behind those now closed silver doors and had suffered a major stroke that resulted in bleeding in her brain stem, which I did not suspect was good….and this man standing in front of me talking, was the chaplain of the hospital…..why.was.he.standing.here.talking.to.us???? Since when do chaplains deliver ANY type of news???? Unless………………………  from right about there, I lost all my hope. Right then and there.  I hadn’t even seen her yet and he wasn’t letting us back there just yet….

All I knew,
As I stood there in the middle of the hospital floor
Was that I had spent four months in silence, not speaking or talking to someone who loved me UNAPOLOGETICALLY and without pause……all because I am child-like in my aggression….i do not speak about problems or issues…I wash them under the rug and go silent and try moving forward until time permits my foolish ass ego to stand down and allows me to go back to that person I am suddenly ignoring, who probably has little to no idea what they did that was wrong…….only weeks before, we had resolved what was blocking us….and even as we were resolving, I felt childish….i felt like an idiot for wasting so much time and expecting her to know things she couldn’t have known unless I TOLD her….which I had NOT….i  just deserted her….
Left her out here
Without me, one of the comforting zones she always knew she could count on
I bounced
I said to myself,” all these ppl love me, I can take for granted whom ever I want to….
Lots of ppl love and like the great januarie York …….so anyone doing anything that I don’t like, can kick rocks and I will hand them some to begin with……”

I didn’t literally say that ….
But in hindsight, I did. ….
And now here I was
In the hospital, waiting for someone to ALLOW me to see the one person i had spent all these years relaxing, unwinding and laughing with....crying when we needed to....we used to sit in silence, with the radio on....RELAXED....she always told me that my home was uber-relaxing to her.....how on Earth did we get to a point, rather how did I get to a point that i would take something she enjoyed so much, away from her??? What fucking kind of sister was I ??? who the hell do i make the exception for ?? The declaration that for you i will speak up, i will address issues, i will voice my opinion when necessary because THAT is what you do when you love and cherish someone....you don't just leave them hanging...you don't just take them for fucking granted, like time will allow you to return when you are ready...being the prodigal friend doesn't work.....life don't work like that!!!!!!

And now here i was, waiting.  And i wasn't even sure what i was waiting for....to see her or to hear some kind of news to instill hope ....……when I finally got back there…..and I got to the glass doors….and walked in, and saw her, laying there
My heart broke off and went where ever she was.
And honestly,
I haven’t seen it since.



Vintage QueenWrite.

Something I found in on my hard-drive while looking for something else. I don't even remember if she ever received this or not. : /

Often times
These mfs are wearing the same clothes
Same shoes
Same heels
It gets hard to know when and what to feel….
Especially after consuming the left behind morsels of crumpled paper love
Blowing past me in the wind

Yes indeed, at times i confuse my foes for my friends
And even tho this confusion leaves my heart covered in painful blisters
 The one thing I can count on
Is the love from my sisters
I was born with none, but I divinely met a few
And the first time we never saw each other
Was actually the first time I met you
No amount of miles
No stand alone trees
No tornadoes or hurricanes
Or dirty, scarred knees
Can replace or substitute the impact you have made
In my loneliest of moments, I allow our best memories to be replayed
The girl talks, the silent times
Out at the shore
The tears, the smoke, the food, the jokes
Even conversations about The Lord
I may be writing cheesy, but I was directed by Him to do so
Maybe He thought you were starting to think otherwise
And sent me to put you back in “the know”
That sometimes I confuse my friends with my foes
And mostly its because them MFs are wearing the same damn clothes
But my sisters are originators ….master copies….fresh and clean….
And no amount of distance or space
Could ever replace my Queen.

I love you.  And I miss you so much….miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you SO much.…..my sister.  (dated April 3, 2012) 


Lookin' A** ********: This.Goes.Out.To.You. #Supastar12

Pussy, you tried, !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

pussy ass nigga you lie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pussy ass nigga, !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

you high!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bitch I'm me, !!!!!!!!!!!!

hundred on the wrist, I ski!!!!!!!!!!!

Art on the wall, Basqui, !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

fuck who see!!!!!!!!!!!!!!






Nature is Course Running right now

Folks want you to be ok after your heart has been broken

they want you to see yourself
your beauty
your truth
your power and your glory

they want you to pray and call on God in your time of need
They want you to write it out
if you perform anything artistic, they want you to art it out and away

they want to see you smile
they want to see you laugh and play and be funny and be YOU again.....
they want the pain to dissolve overnight

but they know it doesnt work like that.

It doesn't instantly disappear.
your words don't magically fall back in your lap after your muse has been killed off in the real story
Your laughter and playing is simply you  trying to fool yourself
and when you pray,
 You Beg

and you wonder if your prayers will be ansered because you were taught to not beg God

Your truth becomes your hurt
your beauty turns into your pain
you see yourself, but your reflection looks like she's over you
your power and glory get lost in the shuffle and confusion of your broken organ, your angered attitude and the fire that is slowly smoldering inside the pit of your lungs.....

Breathing becomes a challenge
giving up becomes an option
letting go seems like the impossible

but everyone wants you to be ok......

all you can do is turn to the those who love you, smile haphazardly at them and try to mean it, look them dead in the eye and say nothing.  Let your energy collide against their longing for your survival and ease and remind them right now, Nature is just taking place.....the same as the wind blows, the same as the sun can hang out in the sky and heat nothing on the ground....the same as the snow can melt and the roads turn tattered and flooded....the same as someone saying its going to warm up but it seems to take so long to get to that heat.....the same as spring is a month away but still not here yet.....nature is taking its place.....the course will have to be ran.....the hurt will have to be survived....the pain will have to be numbed....the beauty will return, the reflection will be free, God will answer prayers but the mind and heart have to be open to receive......truth has already showed its ugly face......and you will be ok again...but right now, no matter how much covering up you've done -
      - wrapping yourself in covers, gloves, coats, hats, scarves......turning the heat on in the car...warming the car up in the morning -

Nature is here....and she is course running right now.
"Eventually" will make it to Light soon, but right now, is the right now .....the current....the scary beautiful about the current, is "there is nothing you can do but ride thru it, with reverence" (queensheba).

It is a long lonely road....i feel surrounded by many yet all by my damn self. Like i'm yelling and screaming at the top of my lungs about how truly HURT and angry i am .....the anger exists due to the presence of the hurt....the ability to allow myself vulnerable in someone else's hands has turned into one of the few regrets i've ever experienced......i hate myself for not being scared enough.  i was given many a warnings.....and all i did was proceed forward.  Eventually, I won't cry. I won't hurt. I won't feel so dissolved into particles of bitching and collecting bitterness.....but right now....i am one with nature.  And there is nothing I can do about it but let her (nature) finish her course run.  Eventually will be here in no time. And so will spring.  And warm suns. But for now, i'm just done fighting it. 

Lesson #35 - Never trust a big dick and a dimple.


I'm Encouraged!!!
Let it Flow.


You're a Bigger Dick than Your Dick.

This is for my favorite record scratcher. .

Love Always,


Only the Brave

Never put a King Crown on a nigga wearing a hat with balls on it.

Only the Brave: The Poetic StageShow

Only the Brave: The Poetic StageShow



So i'm listening to some new song by Daley called BROKEN.....

its a nice song....
i like this dude...i like his voice and his style and the stuff he sings about......i hate that i identify so closely with music and words and the way that sounds make me feel emotions, specifically the emotions that are being spoken of within the song.

At this very moment
as tears are struggling not to fall, i think of one thing....

i loved him.
And i still do.
And I hate us so much.  * shrug *  

But i'm ok with the results.
I am a better woman because of it.


Lets Call Out Names. #IHateYouMore

"Things used to be, now they not
Anything but us is who we are
Disguising ourselves as secret lovers
We've become public enemies
We walk away like strangers in the street
Gone for eternity
We erased one another
So far from where we came
With so much of everything, how do we leave with nothing
Lack of visual empathy equates the meaning of L-O-V-E
Hatred and attitude tear us entirely

Let's play the blame game, I love you, more
Let's play the blame game for sure.
Let's call out names, names, I hate you, more.
Let's call out names, names, for sure.

I can't love you this much
I can't love you this much
I can't love you this much
I can't love you this much
No, I can't love you this much
I can't love you this much

And I know that you are somehwere doing your thing
And when the phone called it just ring and ring
You aint pick up but your phone accidently called me back
And I heard the whole thing.

I heard the whole thing, the whole thing, the whole thing...".
~Ye #BlameGame


"After being chased, I've been dismissed

As just an object, something to play with

You have managed to turn me

From a woman of substance to this"  ~jillscott

When your own words haunt you.....

This was 'advice' i gave a fellow poet about writing TWO years ago.  Yesterday, he randomly thanked me for sharing this with him, which made it then appear at the top of my inbox.....

This morning, i opened the inbox not knowing what i had said and i re-read it.... and dropped the mic ...all the while, Maxwell is crooning 'This Woman's Work" LIVE, in my ear.

  • overall just dont be afraid to walk uncharted territory....the only way you can expand is allow yourself to expand and the only way you can allow that expansion is by challenging yourself to push past your comfort zone and only return when absolute nec....
  • Januarie York
    Januarie York

    .............i told ***** this awhile back...if your mind is comfy with something, that will become your default.....if you allow your default to own you, you stunt your growth....the challenge is noticing when you are headed back to default status and changing lanes....you got it tho....as time passes it will become second nature"

Maybe i should take my own advice.

#FoolsGold, Vol4

I fear being forgotten by people I loved with the best of me.

But i can't let my life be dictated by those who deem me forgettable.

I wrote a poem early last year.....it was called Bruised Muse in Heels.
It derived from its first line that jumped into my head one day/night and i rolled with it. The line went:



My ex gave me a tape dispenser for my birthday. And that poem was born...i think.
Idek anymore...but i do know the new guy....
the one i fell for

the one that told me he wanted a "DIRECT CONNECTION" with me, who then went on to feel UNCONNECTED to me but refrained from telling me that,

the one i loved ignorantly
eyes wide open
i can't even say i was blind....i was not.

The one i exerted too much energy in
and the one who i made scared via my conversation yesterday, (i never threatened him)

that one and two

....he quoted this poem a few times....when i first lined up for his line of fire....
i remember it
it was one of the things that caught my eye....here he was quoting me. ....i thought he had never been listening.... i dug it...even typing this, i felt my lips turn up :)   Remembering it....lol, he made me FEEL....

He quoted my poem...
my lines....

and went on to feed me love AND respect out of a 1/8 teaspoon.
And i allowed it while still performing that poem all over the city.

I'm ashamed of me.
Not just because of that.....but because of this as well...this is ME:


I'm unbelievable in my actions and allowance. I let a jester get a wholesale discount to my body, my life, my heart and most of all, my love. And he can't understand why i want to rearrange his thoughts about me. Can't say i'm sad he thinks he should watch his back.  But i can say i believe Karma will do it for me.  In the meantime, I have a show to plan and Karma to KEEP good. He said i never understood him enough to call him a King....i think i never knew he was a jester. But i let his ego keep that one.  What a laughable moment tho.

Dear men of the world,

any woman, LABEL OR NOT, who puts your dick her in her mouth after the two of you have DISTINCTLY spoken in depth that you were NOT fuck buddies, will more than likely feel pissed off if another woman is IN LOVE with you all over social media.  So the best thing to do is be honest and allow that woman to decide whether or not she wants the taste of your dick so badly that she will chance licking some other woman's pussy.  But i digress nshit.

 God forgive my negative thoughts, missteps and mistaken identity of a king.
May i never have another seat at the kids table.  Clown cake ass nword... #OneTwoThat



Somewhat Broken Blog Silence ...ish.

* turns on “Let It Flow” (toni Braxton) *

“First thing Monday morning
I’m gonna pack my tears away
Got not cause to look back
I’m looking for me a better day
See the thing about love
Is that it’s not enough
If the only thing it brings you is pain
Comes a time when we can all make a change darlin’,

Just let go
Let it flow, let it flow, let.it.flow
Everythings gonna work out right you know.”

Words are so powerful and so often still so useless.  I’ve used so many words in the last year, that it scares me how many breathes, both spoken and written, that I have wasted.  Today marks the 8 day countdown until my 35th birthday and I can’t remember this much emotional bullshit surrounding my new year AND new age before….a mile marking age at that.
I don’t even know what I want to say.
Or blog about …..
Its been a minute since I have done this.  Around my last normal blogging sessions, I was diving headfirst into something I saw to be the simplicity of beautiful.  It turned out, I was jumping in a shark tank with no protection or guards.  I let them all down.  I felt a sense of freedom leaving one situation and stumbled myself right into a whole something that has completely altered and changed the things I think, the faith I have in men (where I am concerned) and how I feel about myself.  The things I allowed to be apart of my life for the last almost year have amazed me.  The things I have done, the heights I went to and the depths I traveled, alone, are almost embarrassing to taste.  So I been struggling with swallowing my spit and inhaling fresh air. 
I’m hurting in an all new way.
Its not a “somebody hurt me’ type of way either…..although someone DID indeed hurt me to the bone, beyond any hurt I’ve experienced since around 04, but this isn’t about THEM hurting ME…..its more hurtful to know that I orchestrated this in my life…I allowed it in….i opened the door and walked away from it, controlling very little of what came in or whether or not mud was attached to any shoe bottoms…..
I have set some rolling stones in motion that have changed the way my heart beats…..have you ever experienced a hurting so bad that even when your mind so much as drifted in that direction, you could feel the change in your beat pattern ??? Or the rush of adrenaline in your arms to the point where you are shaking….that is happening right now as I type….
So I’m timidly tiptoeing across what I am choosing to share about what I am experiencing…..so as not to make someone I once referred to as my Professor look like the asshole I am convinced he is, I will be as vague as I can…..as much as I blame him for lack of honesty with me and for the way things went down and they definitely went down, I HAVE to be accountable.  I can’t turn 35 and not be.
I let this puppet show go on.
This should have ended very easily in August.  I have an exact date that it could have ended and been cordial and friendly.  Instead, for the last two weeks, I have had to work continuously at controlling my desire, a desire I can honestly say I have NEVER felt before, to fuck up things.
Like….to get revenge….
I have become privy to information that I don’t need to know.  But I know it.  I know the who’s, the where’s, I know where to find whoever it is I need or want to find……I always do.  I ALWAYS find out what I want to know…..
But I also know better.
Today ……
Today…….hmmmmm…… * kings of leon’s Arizona comes on *
The best way to describe me in my last 8 days of age 34 is to say I feel exactly like  Carrie did on Sex in the City when she turned 35.  I’ll quote her since I can’t get video to post (exclusive hbo rights nshit):
“I hate myself for saying this, but...
...it felt really sad
not to have a man in my life who cares about me.
No special guy to wish me happy birthday.
No goddamn soul mate.
I don't even know if I believe in soul mates.”


Its not about me not ‘having a man’…..its more about after all this, after all the love I’ve given or at least tried to give….after all the sacrifice and putting others first, which I know is not the recipe to receive, but after all of this, all the belief I’ve maintained, the opitimism and the benefits of the doubts, I still am special to no one.

Someone I fell in love with found me unlovable…..perhaps.  He says he loves me and our love just didn’t match up. LOL.   But in my mind, it unravels as ‘he found me unlovable’ to a point of purchasing another woman gifts while I’m still shooting baskets for the team.  Who knew there was a real TEAM ??? Lol.
We had no labels.  So I get it.  But if you were dishing out gifts for the new year, how is it that I was NOT on that list ??? How is it that time after time after time I end up being the woman they DO NOT see??   The one they don’t mind or even second guess hurting ??? Is it because they think I can handle it ? People have told me men are intimidated by me and I completely disagree and always have….
I think some men see me as a conquest.
They dig and probe to undo the things I write myself in poems….the queens I call all of us and myself at the same time is what intrigues them. They seek to destroy her, maybe by accident, maybe by design of life……but that’s what it ends up seeming like.  I wonder if I will ever be a healthy woman for a man to love at all because all the shit I have collected and now this has depleted me.  I am not low on my self esteem but my ego is crushed….i can’t lie.  To see another female RECEIVE while I am sitting here with a cheerleading outfit on and making MY problems bigger by attempting to help others fix theirs, was world shattering.  You know why ? Because at this point in life, its like……mannnnnn, will there ever be ONE who SEES my Light ??? Who I inspire ??? Who I, thru my own existence, encourage to show me affectionate tokens of ‘just thought about u’……man, that shit hurt worse than the facts themselves.  That I could exert this much energy in someone and they KNOW it, then pretend I was never here….
I know I will be ok and will get better by the days…..and my shows are about to be amazing.  And my pen FINALLY started back moving. ….and I’m glad of it….but I’m hurting so much I can’t even hide it.  I can’t even contain it or stop it from centering itself in bad places and spaces…..i am desiring less and less to be around people, because I have so much broken trust in general, that I think my energy is off…….and then I feel like Carrie.
Like its just me.  Holding myself, rocking myself, giving myself my own orgasms.  Its like, no one ever truly wants to work for me.  And it makes me wonder whats wrong with me ?
And now I’m turning 35 in the midst of being essentially bruised and hurting in a way that I am attempting to overlook BEFORE I turn 35 but that I am supremely struggling with.  I keep praying….
And I’m scared I will fuck 35 up in the same way.
But I know I have to speak life over myself at all times……

I just needed to vent this I guess…..my adrenaline has slowed.  Today, the man that I fell in love with, who didn’t or couldn’t love me back, is celebrating his BAE’s birthday.   I wish them a wonderful day. 
I need not think about that shit.
Or her address……

Yep. Iknow.  Don’t judge me.

I will keep my focus on my show. …and embracing 35. 
Should be a nice show coming up 2/7/14.