Folks want you to be ok after your heart has been broken
they want you to see yourself
your beauty
your truth
your power and your glory
they want you to pray and call on God in your time of need
They want you to write it out
if you perform anything artistic, they want you to art it out and away
they want to see you smile
they want to see you laugh and play and be funny and be YOU again.....
they want the pain to dissolve overnight
but they know it doesnt work like that.
It doesn't instantly disappear.
your words don't magically fall back in your lap after your muse has been killed off in the real story
Your laughter and playing is simply you trying to fool yourself
and when you pray,
You Beg
and you wonder if your prayers will be ansered because you were taught to not beg God
Your truth becomes your hurt
your beauty turns into your pain
you see yourself, but your reflection looks like she's over you
your power and glory get lost in the shuffle and confusion of your broken organ, your angered attitude and the fire that is slowly smoldering inside the pit of your lungs.....
Breathing becomes a challenge
giving up becomes an option
letting go seems like the impossible
but everyone wants you to be ok......
Sometimes,
all you can do is turn to the those who love you, smile haphazardly at them and try to mean it, look them dead in the eye and say nothing. Let your energy collide against their longing for your survival and ease and remind them right now, Nature is just taking place.....the same as the wind blows, the same as the sun can hang out in the sky and heat nothing on the ground....the same as the snow can melt and the roads turn tattered and flooded....the same as someone saying its going to warm up but it seems to take so long to get to that heat.....the same as spring is a month away but still not here yet.....nature is taking its place.....the course will have to be ran.....the hurt will have to be survived....the pain will have to be numbed....the beauty will return, the reflection will be free, God will answer prayers but the mind and heart have to be open to receive......truth has already showed its ugly face......and you will be ok again...but right now, no matter how much covering up you've done -
- wrapping yourself in covers, gloves, coats, hats, scarves......turning the heat on in the car...warming the car up in the morning -
Nature is here....and she is course running right now.
"Eventually" will make it to Light soon, but right now, is the right now .....the current....the scary beautiful about the current, is "there is nothing you can do but ride thru it, with reverence" (queensheba).
It is a long lonely road....i feel surrounded by many yet all by my damn self. Like i'm yelling and screaming at the top of my lungs about how truly HURT and angry i am .....the anger exists due to the presence of the hurt....the ability to allow myself vulnerable in someone else's hands has turned into one of the few regrets i've ever experienced......i hate myself for not being scared enough. i was given many a warnings.....and all i did was proceed forward. Eventually, I won't cry. I won't hurt. I won't feel so dissolved into particles of bitching and collecting bitterness.....but right now....i am one with nature. And there is nothing I can do about it but let her (nature) finish her course run. Eventually will be here in no time. And so will spring. And warm suns. But for now, i'm just done fighting it.
Lesson #35 - Never trust a big dick and a dimple.
love,
jy.
I'm Encouraged!!!
Let it Flow.
