See U At The Crossroads.

 

its been awhile since I blogged from a personal perspective.  And to tell the truth, I don’t know what I am about to be talking about. 

I just had a thought. …it’s a thought that has been pressing me for days, maybe even weeks, in different ways….this question has been reworked in my head over and over again, until just now, while scrolling thru one of my many TLs, it finally opened itself up to me….

“Can I succeed as a performing poet by staying to myself….OR….do I HAVE to open up to more and more worlds of befriending people? “ 

 

…which then begs the next question, if the answer is “no”, does that mean I should just settle into my job and give up on my desires to be a successful poetic artist.  And the hits just keep on coming.  How do I balance trust levels???  This blog in its totality, is littered with these kinds of posts.  Thru the years, this is the place I inevitably return to over and over again and I don’t know if its me going backwards or if this question just sits at the throne of each one of my stops along this journey.   I am not as confused as I am longing.  I’m not as impatient as I am curious.  I don’t know how to tell if I am wasting my time or not.  And I am about used up on the “Just keep going and you will see.”  Something I’ve learned about that concept is if you don’t really know what you are looking for, you are liable to see everything.  Which can be good and bad.  I’m in the bad part. 

I see reasons to stop and reasons to go.  Reasons to quit and reasons to keep pushing.  My creative mind has already found its home in the artistic world, so I can never see myself lacking creativity to do something or put together SOMETHING.  I wish I had’ve gone into Event Planning.  Lol.  Writing is a hard field to crack.  I’m not just a poet.  I’m a writer.  I am a lover of the usage of words; manipulating their meanings and playing with their natural rhythms.  I have created a newsletter, written hundreds of poems, worked on a book and kept tons and tons of journals.  Oh and we won’t even talk about all my blogs all over cyberspace.  I NEED to succeed in this.  I NEED to feel less of a waste and more of a purpose again.  I instead feel ignored. Forgotten.  Overlooked.  Its causing me not to care anymore.  About anything.

Poetry and/or writing do NOT put food on my table and I have never asked them to.  But I want to change that.  I want to write my life into stability and I want to perform my way into inspiring.  Colleges, schools, women, teenagers….I refuse to believe these people can’t receive this message that lives inside of me.  I have to believe that’s what all of this is for.  But who do I  trust???

who do I befriend???

who secretly hates me and how many people would rather see me down and out???

 

These are rhetorical questions.  I understand the more successful one is, the more one would have to deal with the atrocities of the world, but here’s what I need:

A  team. 

No one can do it alone.  NO ONE>  ESPecially not someone who is trying to succeed THEIR OWN WAY!!! I am attempting to use the doors that have been opened up for the likes of me, to carve my own alley to the success ladder.  I have not connected on an open mic level in a long time, as evidenced by some of the blog posts here over the years, but that is how I got my following.   So how do I balance the internal confusion.  How can I make them be as excited to hear what I have to say? By making my own way.  Creating my own shit, marketing it and praying to God that it works out.  Case in point, The Exquisite Pain show.  I am allowed to do the poems in my heart and not whats on the hot right now list!  BUT-

But-

But – ……..is this possible??? Can I keep doing this ???
well sure I can….

but I need a team.

I need a manager.  I need an assistant that will HELP me.  I need to be pushed by people sometimes.  Its one of my downfalls.. …and part of the reason I need a team.  I had a good solid team around the time of my cd release party….but in the months that have followed, everything has fallen apart.

Everything.

and my motivation feels like it was hijacked.

not my creativity.  ..im still creating shit, always…..matter a fact, the next series in The Exquisite Pain is called “Living is Suicide & Dying is Too Damn Easy” …..I have really good feelings about this one based off the title alone….

…..but I am not motivated to make it pop….

… I need a getaway still…..I had planned that the first of June would be me, on a plane, headed to Ft Lauderdale, FL….. I winded up spending my vacation money on a car and haven’t recovered since.  *sigh*

 

I just need some time to regroup some things.  Rework, replan, remaster the blueprint. 

 

but for right now, my stomach is growling. and the only team I have is a team of two dogs who often disrespect me but love me nonetheless……so I shall end this long blog, rather abruptly….to go eat some cocoa pebbles.

im in the mood for love.

X Marks the Spot -

So I’m sitting here right.  Thinking.  Remembering.  Pondering even, on this thought: The Bag Over Head, Face Down Ass Up Syndrome.  Its much deeper than it’s surface letters. 

Rule #1 when on the battle front:  Identify your enemies.

Politicians could truly give a shit about women.  Hell, half of them don’t even care about the women they are married to.  Look at how many marriages have publically crumbled during and shortly after campaigns have ended.  Women have to smile in front of camera’s, put on lipstick and pretend the heels they wear can make them rise above the situation.  Sir j.Edwards’ wife was battling breast cancer when he created life with someone….else, of which he only admitted to after his tangled web finally caught him up.   And don’t get me wrong; I know it takes two to tango.  But see, this isn’t about infidelity, it’s much deeper than that.  It is to say if one doesn’t respect the woman he sleeps with, has made family with and shared vows with [and who just so happens to be dying of breast cancer], why on Earth would it be inconceivable to believe that the laws he propose are solely based on his political gain amongst his constituents and adversaries.  FUCK THIS SHIT.

What kind of disrespectful night of Cuban cigars, Amsterdam girls and high end Scotch does it take to drum up the some of the ideas that they actually present to be passed as law?  In the world of politics, women have once again become the X that marks the spot.  We are targets with missiles being shot towards both our brains and our wombs.  We are treated like submissive whores who need to be told when we can prevent pregnancies and when we can choose to end them.  When we can PREVENT them and how we should raise them.  God forbid we are one of the millions of women who need the government’s assistance because our would be baby-daddy isn’t helping and our paychecks aren’t enough to buy us independence.  But hmmm….this brings about another point: had birth control been in my purse instead of on the floor of the House of dick & balls, then maybe it could have been prevented….question mark

Me: “excuse me boss….I do not need Orthro Tri Cyclen because of health reasons.  I don’t want to get pregnant sir.  Can it please be included in the insurance that is coming out of the paycheck of which I earn everyday?”

Boss: *gasping and choking on his high end tea* Kendria!!! Are you trying to tell me you are…..having sex?  You want me to pay you to have sex? Are you some kind of after hour prostitute or something?  I tell you what.  Stop having so much sex if you can’t afford decent contraception.  Here at P. Niss Hans & Associates, we are not pimps nor are we jons.  Please go.  Oh and there is no pregnancy leave for admins.”

Sound impossible????

Some the “boss’ “ comments were bits and pieces of the rant Rush Limbaugh went on, live, against a women who spoke up to the ridiculousness of insurance companies requiring proof of health reasons in order to pay for female contraception.  That is the most ridiculous shit I have ever heard, but you know what it REALLY is???

Humiliating. 

As it is to have a woman continously seek counseling in the event she wants an abortion.  Oh sure, FORCE her into an ultra sound.  So what if she’s been raped, make her stare at her rapist’s baby on the screen.  Call it human.   You said your dad raped you and you’re now pregnant?? No worries, you can abort the baby, but only after a series of hulimating and daunting tasks in attempt to pass time so quickly that you are forced into keeping the baby by default. 

Of which none of the government…..none of the politicians and none of the picketers will be there to help you deal with all your harsh realities.

No campaign trail will lead to your front door to put food on the table.  Public schools will be your only option and don’t you dare use another address to send your child to a good school.  They have a full cell for common robbers like that.  It won’t be long before they propose uterus exams in order to get food stamps. 

Life begins 2 weeks before conception. ….let Arizona tell it.

But life continues after birth for at least 18 years of responsibility.

But this isn’t about responsibility.  This isn’t about population or birth or babies or fetus’ for that matter.  This is about the dick and ball show feeling challenged because they finally see  JUST how powerful us women REALLY are.

“put that bag over your head bitch and populate earth!!”

They want us to be Apple Betty’s, at home with a frilly apron on, baking chocolate chip cooks for no fucking reason.  They want us to be vacuuming when they walk in the door smelling their concubines.  Yeah, remember, LOTS of these politicians cheat on their wives.  But we already sorta addressed that.  When Hillary Clinton had the balls; the guts and the belief in herself, as well as the political backing to even try to run for PRESIDENT of the United States….a DICK position…..that’s when every thing shifted. 

True we’ve been fighting women’s right for years.  But when Hillary did pushed her audacity across the showroom floor, that’s when the war officially got back on track.

And we are up to bat.  The battle front is littered with bullets.  Don’t leave home without your armor.  And please,

don’t let them snatch you and put a bag over your head.  This ain’t over.  Politicians aren’t even a half of our enemies. Stay tuned for part 3.  

Ghost in the Machine

Vibe with me really quick. I once read that Aquarian's are known for using music to express how they feel.....this couldn't be more of the truth if i painted it true colors.....and right now, on this day, in this moment of time in my life, THIS song......smdh....


there are many songs that can chronicle how i am feeling
but this song right now.....
there is not possibly another song that can lay me out, line for line for line....i mean each and every single damn one of these lines is line EXACTLY what im thinking....*sigh*...im in the thick of something nasty....it really hit home last friday at my dad's mom's funeral....every since then, its been a downward spiral to misery.....i have never felt more unwanted ...but whats worse, i dont know exactly WHO i am unwanted from....and its spilling out all over and around me....and this is my life. today.
i...feel like a ghost. and its painful.

Tell me where am I supposed to go?
And who am I supposed to believe.
If only you knew what I knew.
Then you could see just what I see.

So I grab my bags and go, as far away as I can go.
Cause everything ain't what I used to know.
And I try to hide, but I just can't hide no more.
There's nothing worse than feeling like a ghost.

You say I look fine, if only you knew what's on my mind.
You'd see a whole different sign, I couldn't show you even if I tried.
I must have got lost in time when I found out I was only free to be, where ever I want to be.

Some say I'm out of sight, how ironic and that we're all so blind.
If you could open up your eyes, you could see what I couldn't describe.
And then, you'd see the signs, and then your soul would be set free, and then you'd be released.

So I grab my bags and go, as far away as I can go.
Cause everything ain't what I used to know.
And I try to hide, but I just can't hide no more.
There's nothing worse than feeling like a ghost.

Tell me where am I supposed to go.
And who am I supposed to believe.
If only you knew what I knew.
Then you could see. (Hey)

So I grab my bags and go, as far away as I can go.
Cause everything ain't what I used to know.
And I try to hide, but I just can't hide no more.
There's nothing worse than feeling like a ghost.

And I'm terrified, like I've seen a UFO.
Cause everything ain't what I used to know.
And I try to hide, but I just can't hide no more.
There's nothing worse than feeling like a ghost.

(I go)
(A UFO)
(And I'm so tired of hiding, I've been running, I've been trying, to get away, to get away)

So I grab my bags and go, as far away as I can go.
Cause everything ain't what I used to know.
And I try to hide, but I just can't hide no more.
There's nothing worse than feeling like a ghost.

~b.o.b.

i wanna blog

but


for what.

Tears Burn After so many….

 

feels like no one cares about what I am doing….nothing I say about anything I have in the works or upcoming seems to be of much interest to many ppl.

*shrug*

 

im lonely today

im really on my human female shit today.

no not my period

just my emotional shit

sad music, tears, dark house and all.  GUess I’ll go get a black and at least try to smoke some of the monkey off my back.  Right now, I’m struggling.  THinking hard about ceasing my book….I couldn’t even successfully sell my cd ….how in the world can I sell a book?  But more than that, the spark that got it going….

seeing the person I wanted to marry….I actually tag him as the closest thing to perfection….and to know I wasn’t meant for that…made me feel a way and started something negative in me.  fuck fuck fuck. 

 

I will bounce back later on.