its been awhile since I blogged from a personal perspective. And to tell the truth, I don’t know what I am about to be talking about.
I just had a thought. …it’s a thought that has been pressing me for days, maybe even weeks, in different ways….this question has been reworked in my head over and over again, until just now, while scrolling thru one of my many TLs, it finally opened itself up to me….
“Can I succeed as a performing poet by staying to myself….OR….do I HAVE to open up to more and more worlds of befriending people? “
…which then begs the next question, if the answer is “no”, does that mean I should just settle into my job and give up on my desires to be a successful poetic artist. And the hits just keep on coming. How do I balance trust levels??? This blog in its totality, is littered with these kinds of posts. Thru the years, this is the place I inevitably return to over and over again and I don’t know if its me going backwards or if this question just sits at the throne of each one of my stops along this journey. I am not as confused as I am longing. I’m not as impatient as I am curious. I don’t know how to tell if I am wasting my time or not. And I am about used up on the “Just keep going and you will see.” Something I’ve learned about that concept is if you don’t really know what you are looking for, you are liable to see everything. Which can be good and bad. I’m in the bad part.
I see reasons to stop and reasons to go. Reasons to quit and reasons to keep pushing. My creative mind has already found its home in the artistic world, so I can never see myself lacking creativity to do something or put together SOMETHING. I wish I had’ve gone into Event Planning. Lol. Writing is a hard field to crack. I’m not just a poet. I’m a writer. I am a lover of the usage of words; manipulating their meanings and playing with their natural rhythms. I have created a newsletter, written hundreds of poems, worked on a book and kept tons and tons of journals. Oh and we won’t even talk about all my blogs all over cyberspace. I NEED to succeed in this. I NEED to feel less of a waste and more of a purpose again. I instead feel ignored. Forgotten. Overlooked. Its causing me not to care anymore. About anything.
Poetry and/or writing do NOT put food on my table and I have never asked them to. But I want to change that. I want to write my life into stability and I want to perform my way into inspiring. Colleges, schools, women, teenagers….I refuse to believe these people can’t receive this message that lives inside of me. I have to believe that’s what all of this is for. But who do I trust???
who do I befriend???
who secretly hates me and how many people would rather see me down and out???
These are rhetorical questions. I understand the more successful one is, the more one would have to deal with the atrocities of the world, but here’s what I need:
No one can do it alone. NO ONE> ESPecially not someone who is trying to succeed THEIR OWN WAY!!! I am attempting to use the doors that have been opened up for the likes of me, to carve my own alley to the success ladder. I have not connected on an open mic level in a long time, as evidenced by some of the blog posts here over the years, but that is how I got my following. So how do I balance the internal confusion. How can I make them be as excited to hear what I have to say? By making my own way. Creating my own shit, marketing it and praying to God that it works out. Case in point, The Exquisite Pain show. I am allowed to do the poems in my heart and not whats on the hot right now list! BUT-
But – ……..is this possible??? Can I keep doing this ???
well sure I can….
but I need a team.
I need a manager. I need an assistant that will HELP me. I need to be pushed by people sometimes. Its one of my downfalls.. …and part of the reason I need a team. I had a good solid team around the time of my cd release party….but in the months that have followed, everything has fallen apart.
and my motivation feels like it was hijacked.
not my creativity. ..im still creating shit, always…..matter a fact, the next series in The Exquisite Pain is called “Living is Suicide & Dying is Too Damn Easy” …..I have really good feelings about this one based off the title alone….
…..but I am not motivated to make it pop….
… I need a getaway still…..I had planned that the first of June would be me, on a plane, headed to Ft Lauderdale, FL….. I winded up spending my vacation money on a car and haven’t recovered since. *sigh*
I just need some time to regroup some things. Rework, replan, remaster the blueprint.
but for right now, my stomach is growling. and the only team I have is a team of two dogs who often disrespect me but love me nonetheless……so I shall end this long blog, rather abruptly….to go eat some cocoa pebbles.
im in the mood for love.