For Lack of Better Word

i am moments away from going to vote.....this morning, i woke up with this woman on my mind....her brothers, sisters, friends and cousins were also on my mind.....the struggles they went through, the things they experienced, the literacy tests, the hoses, dogs and death.....the beatings.....the cruel and unusual punishment for being born black.....i remembered those people when i voted for Obama two years ago.....

i am not a huge political person....never have been, never will be, although i do understand the importance of it, and i guess i keep a "genera knowledge" of whats going on ....i know about the tea party, the republicans, how the democrats seem to be split up on different sides....i know about my man Obama and i get it...i get the importance of it all.....

however.

here comes the "but"

i am not convinced.....it has nothing to do with my vote not counting or none of that...i just havent seen or heard of anyone that i am secure enough in or confident enough in, to want to vote for......apparently, i am the ONLY person in america right now with that issue.....all across facebook there are posts and quotes about people who dont vote......people not having the right to complain or say anything about anything if they dont vote.....and i find it interesting, that even after the election is long passed, people will still make posts advising people not to complain about stuff.....to get off their asses and do something.....and at that point, it will have nothing to do with voting....its about judgement.....i live in a judgemental society.....i often use the term "we" loosely, opting to forget that everything does not include me.....but it is what it is....i dont fault anyone for their opinions.....they have a right to them, as much as i have a right to write this blog......but i have this one question that has been ailing me for weeks now......

when you dont have anyone you trust to give your vote to, what good are you doing to vote?  Ancestors removed from this equation for now, what good am i doing my society by voting for people who, typically in the end, do the opposite of what they say they will......should i go down the list and vote all democrat since that is the party i mostly identify with....i dont consider myself either democrat or republican....i am essentially, party-less.......

and it pains me to feel this way.....i dont need no one to "like" my posts or my comments in order for me to feel better or comfy, but i do wish people would be a little more honest with themselves, or at least share with me who they are voting for and why.....maybe that would shed some light on this dark ass closet of "voting because my ancestors died" that i am trapped in......i do not want the tea party or the republicans to come and overthrow Obama and the poor/middle class (whats left of them) .....i do understand why my vote is important....it isnt about that......but it IS about being convinced.....for me it is.

i am party-less and apparently class-less, as i do not identify wholely with middle or lower class...i am definitely not rich....i am a struggling artist who probably owes the IRS more than i wish to admit.....i have looked for the gov't to save me a few different times since i was grown, and i must say, despite all the drama that goes along with it, they did save my ass.....i have been on food stamps, i have had energy assistance help me, i have even gone to the trustee's before, although i cant remember them ever helping do nothing more than throw up a middle finger and forcing me to make a way out of no way, however, the importance of a fair gov't and system is not something i am out of the loop on....i do think it sucks ass that i have helped pay for a stadium that has been up for like three years, and i have yet to see more than the outside shell of it.....

i think the school system, at least public, is full of shit, as are the graduation numbers, i think the closing of libraries and paying to save a team that never wins is bullshit....so again, i understand without a doubt the importance of voting.....i do....but what do you do, when u dont like or trust the candidates.....

vote for the best of the worst? ....the ones with the most promise or greatest ads?   maybe what needs to happen is i need to become more educated politically.....but its too late for today.....maybe that was an epiphany i should have had at least a week ago, but i didnt.....truth is what it is.....so do i vote the people that will give me the least to complain about, because the complaints are going to roll in regardless and i dont mean by me...i make statements, but like i said, i am not big into politics and up until now, have only voted in presidential elections....

but...i'd feel like less of the woman i trying to morph into if i didnt vote.....everyone around me is voting, which does nothing to effect my decision, especially since they arent sharing who they are voting for.....but i do wonder will the pitchfork crew show up at my doorstep if i dont go put in a ballod.....i do wonder if i had even gone blindedfolded and checked all the names one side of the ballod, would that be better than doing nothing and watching the leaning tower of america collapse into the thousands of pieces i think it will fall into anyway....with that said, i have officially made the decision.....

i wont let the fact that i am cramping like Braxton Hicks keep me in bed....i will be dressed and out shortly and i will be voting.....but.....who i am voting for is still up in the air.....i do know i am NOT voting republican anything.....im too poor for that.....but the uneasyness ( i love creating words) is almost nauseating.....i remember 2008 like yesterday.....watching the polls, waiting for the outcome....i remember being at the studio at rehearsal with FW and we periodically ran to the hallway and stood and watched as the numbers came in and were counted....i never felt so alive in my vote...i stood in a line for at least two hours to put that Obama vote in....nothing could stop me....i was confident, i was secure, not in question or denial....i knew the importance, i knew the ancestor history, i know the difference i would and could make and i was dead set in doing so.....nothing....

and i do mean nothing

could have stopped me that day......this day is quite unlike that....the only thing i have with me are those images of my people taking literacy tests that they could not pass because they couldnt read, because they couldnt go to school because they were black and shouldnt have been free anyway.....thats what i am taking to the polls with me....i might throw "Without Sanctuary" in my bag so if there is a long line, i can look through it and remember first hand, my people's dying love for me.....even though that book has nothing to do with "voting" per say, it was only a matter of time before the children of those people that survived that era, would be standing in lines to vote only to be turned away.... I AM VOTING.

that is not up for question anymore.....

but who to vote for is still ....today my facebook post read "to vote or not to vote....guess i'll blog my feelings and vote anyway....team democrat? team Obama? team Carson!! #StillNotConvincedButVotingAnyway"

.....one of the few comments posted suggested i not be "team anyone" and go with what my conscience tells me.....i found that almost laughable considering my conscience is what is torn the most.....geez.....and on top of that, who said i wasnt team Obama, because i am and will ALWAYS be.....i AM team carson.....what i am not is team democrat but that is based on the split of the democrats over Obama's healthcare plan and everything else, which btw, i support....i am one of the millions of americans without healthcare and the minimum wage job i just took wouldnt allow me to afford it, but then since i am a seasonal employee, i am not even offered it......

this is a judgmental society i live in, like i said earlier....folks dont know whats going on in a person's mind or life unless they ask.....which they usually dont.....i have learned to label it the ten fingers and broken mirrors concept....think i'll try to turn that into a three minutes worth of poetic conversation....my vote will count....if not in office, it willl count to the ghosts of those that surround me.... and i know they surround me because i woke up thinking of them .....i am voting soley because of them.....not because i believe it will make the slightest difference......and its not that i believe it wont make a difference.....if votes didnt matter, i dont think Obama would be in office, even though there are some people who feel like that was strategic to let the black man in office when the office is in the shitter......who knows.....

i am team Jesus.....but he's not running in this election.....i do not believe in the new world order or that the gov't is conspiring to take over all of our lives, although i believe the gov't has a lot more shade than it does sunshine.....i am not sure how i winded up feeling so lonely on this limb of mine, but since everyone else has it all figured out, surely to goodness, i will be able to figure out something before i turn in that long ass piece of paper bullshit....the only thing i know to do, is try to stop the republicans from taking over and turning everyone not affiliated to them into poor, desolate bums....

i know there will probably never be another election that i am as confident about, as i was in 2008.....i know once Obama's first term is up, the election process will be a shit storm and i am undeniably gonna be right in the middle of it waving my Obama vote (if he runs again) and my middle finger towards the republicans.....but this year, i suck.....plain and simple....

i am not confident

i am not sure or positive

and i am not convinced....by mostly anyone.

but i am voting.

regardless

i am voting....for lack of better word.

because the lady at the top of this blog wanted me to.....i just hope whatever happens, i manage to pull this off and leave the polls feeling better than i did when i went in....

guess i'll have to pray over the ballod sheet.....

Saving Souls on the Lawn

a few days back, i went to perform (and sort of loosely volunteer) for a group of homeless kids/adults...by kids i mean late teens (thinking 18/19 and older).....i was tagged on a post by my girl Naz to come make this night special to them....it turned out to be a beautiful night......at first it was looking kind of slim.....

there was one guy that was sort of in and out, but there was one that was just chlling....he was there....sitting in the seat my himself.....for some reason, i was magically drawn to this guy ....i never said anything to him, and he actually got on the mic and did a poem, but there was just something about him.....maybe it was the backpack that i figured held everything that belonged to him, maybe his crooked teeth that outlined how nothing had be straight for him since his permanents came in, or maybe.....
i dont know.....
maybe it was just the fact that he was homeless....i try not to feel "sorry" for ppl....i know most ppl dont like that it anyway.....but its hard to be and have been so blessed in life, and see others who are less fortunate and not feel anything.....at least for me.....

the program was held at this double-turned-outreach shelter, and we used the porch as the stage and the front yard to put the chairs in.....we also donated journals, notebooks, pens, markers .....something to write with and on.....there was a table in front of their chairs and couches where they could go "shopping" and get their free items......they attacked that table....by 8pm, the crowd had come in.....we had fed them a monster meal of pizza, breadsticks, fettucini, lasagna, homemade rolls, dessert, pop.....it was beautiful.....some of us served and of course poet favorite StacE Love was in the bldg helping bring smiles and serve food....

i watched a couple of them write with their new notebooks and i couldnt help but wonder what kind of life was being put on those pages......and what form of art would be used to bring life to those pages....it was something to see....one by one, we performed poems, talked about photography, showed off pictures.....there were several artists there, including Tony Styxx who gave them a brief beatbox to show them that art comes in many forms....i mixed together a poem about men and one about women to give them something to feel good about.....steff gave them a thank you poem to relieve them of their shyness.....Naz showed out, then Naz and Eric showed out together......

and then there was them......quite a few of the kids graced the mic with their artistic testimonies.....poems, songs, words and raps brought the audience to its feet at times and every time Naz brought someone to the mic, we made a "rap" thing to go with it.....i cant remember what we were saying, but i think we helped kill the nerves that may have been creeping in any ones window as they approached the porch stage....Lol....

they were awesome.....u could see the defeat in some of their eyes....listening to the poems they spit and the songs they chose to sing, you could tell there was a part of them that we helped to awaken....there were broken, survival of the fittest spirits on that lawn and you could feel it....you could see it....but that night....they werent broken....they were chilling.....even when some of them looked bored, u could tell they felt safe....they didnt want to leave and they didnt want that night to end.....i think a few of them wanted to lease that moment for a year so they could live in it.....

i dont know exactly what we did that night.....but we did something.....we "moved something".....someone(s)...it was SO NOT about us.....not about being the tightest writer or best artist....having the dopest feature with the tightest name, it wasnt about egos or eggos or nothing....it was about them....which is what it should always be about i guess, but when you write for personal, its hard not to be personal sometimes....but i digress....

there is something about the poet that mainstream isnt hip to, so they hop from us....LOL
we are a different breed....not necessarily rare, but i think artists who truly do care, who are about "the ppl and the community" arent too hard to find at these types of events....this is where you get that inner joy and that glow from when you are an artist.....to watch your work and the work of your peers, bring forth joy in others, even if only for briefly, is priceless....there's just not a check big enough for the rewards of these kinds of shows.....i dont do free shows on a regular.....i dont want to...shouldnt have to....and wont. Plain and simple.....but will i still do free yes?
Yes
at my discretion.....ask, i might do it.....i might not....if not, i'll probably at least show up if i'm free.....but depending on what it is, i might just do it.....this show was open for anyone walking down the street to stop......this was an open life changing session.....maybe they left the lawn and went back to smoking weed.....maybe they lost their notebooks or their pens ran out of ink.....maybe they slept under a bridge that night.....i really dont know....
but i wont forget them....and they'll never forget the night that a few artists got together in THEIR honor.....they probably slept a little bit warmer inside....
maybe they shed a tear over the lost notebook or found a new pen that works on the curb.....
maybe they wrote a bomb ass poem after the blunt was finished.....
but for sure, they had a moment.....
a moment where they learned, were reminded and shown that there are some ppl left in this world that care....
not because they are homeless, not because their teeth are crooked....they dont care because they want to make them their new  project.....they care because its their natural human instinct to do so.....

we care cause its our natural human instinct to do so.

poetry saves.

Muse Free Zone

i think something just hit me....and ....it is...that i am about to compete in the Individual World Poetry Slam....which means, i will be going against people who slam as a lifestyle....people who will probably take my poems and devour them word by word with one single line.....coming up with a one minute poem has been the most challenging thing ever...i need to be done writing by months end....i need to spend all of november getting prepared for it....the slam is the second week of december i think.....
yeah....
the time is upon me....
and i am just realizing how nervous i am ....like my heart just started racing and shit....
i have started getting emails from Slam people discussing rooms and fees and stuff....yeah...this shit is real....i cant even pull out ...that would be so cowardish...i never actually planned on competing...i just wanted to win the slam here....just because......well....lol...
i have my reasons why.....but i'll leave them where they lie
....still...i planned on just sorta "forfeiting" the prize to the next person...i just really wanted the win...it meant somthing to me that day...i dont know how much this IWS means to me....its not my field....this is so out of my character...it would be so crazy if i won....i dont know how likely that is to happen, but i dont want to speak no real negativity into existence.....hmmm...what IF i won....LOL

cue big grin....

yup....so i'm sitting here today...its like, going on three oclock in the afternoon...i missed my drivers test because i dont have any working turn signals, which means i STILL gotta watch out for the popo's....dammit!!! so i'm laying low...chilling....havent blogged in so long....i think this is my first blog on my new laptop, which i've had for about a month now : ) ....we truly adore each other......anyway....

i'm trying to keep it short and simple.....
im nervous...im also trying to spark the creativity inside of me...im trying to write a one minute poem....i have a blank word document up, and im staring at it....listening to my coltrane/nina simone pandora station....all this old timey music helps sometimes....i type to fast...so it makes me have more typos....of which i dont always remember to go back and fix....its not cause i cant spell....its cause i type to fast....i need a topic that i could powerfully discuss in one minute...

i need something that will pop out to me
something that i can draw verbally

i need something that will allow me to not concentrate on any of that, of which i just mentioned....

i need a muse.
for a quickie.

The 10AM Epiphany

so i was thinking maybe i should start naming my epiphanies when i have them.....cause i have so many so often.....
its been awhile since i last blogged and i think the last one was bullshit cause i just happened to be around a computer for a sec, but i'm back.....maybe i'll put some of these wacky ass videos i have of myself on here .....for those of you who still visit this spot.....i guess you wouldnt though since i stopped blogging on a regular......well i'm back now.....
and to punish you for giving up on me, if you have, im not even gonna FB this blog....hahahahahha......that'll teach ya!!

Ok....i quit.....back to my epiphany......
so a friend asked me if i would be interested in going to culinary school together since we both like to cook....i told her sure because i've always wanted to go to culinary school......i've been putting it off though because i still am about one year away from a bachelor's degree in Criminal Justice...
something i messed up, messed around and ending up owing my school, therefore terminating my right to go back for the last two years, but i'm trying to get that cured up.....
i've been adament about finishing that degree....the shit is easy, i just  got into the core classes and i was enjoying it for what it was worth.....i let poetry get in the way......matter a fact, the last day i didnt go to class when i was supposed to, i attended a slam....
which i ultimately won, but who's judging me ???
lol
so i been thinking about school since she asked me......we are actually going to tour a couple (what the hey) today at noon......i was filling out an open house form for the Arts Institute when the 10am Epiphany happened.......
the page said "Arts".....everywhere.....culinary to my right, graphic design, fashion and all that other stuff to the left.....it was almost hard to remember i was already spoken for.....i really have always wanted to do culinary arts....matter a fact, the only reason i didnt pursue that particular degree was because NO school in Indy offered it when i started school and this was just 2007...maybe six.......so i went to Indiana Tech.....a business school....i've always been interested in Criminal Justice as well....forensics, crime scenes, stuff like that.......so i tried it, and it was working......but it was never really heartfelt.....there was always something missing......then The Arts Institute, which was two pyramids from my school, always taunted me with their big ass A shining off the side of the building......they put in the Culinary school shortly after my first semester.....i was hurt.......
FF to today.......im on this website......i'm not even gonna say how many times i've ventured to it, or to their booth somewhere at say, Penrod or some other events with vendors and shit.......but today it hit me....arts.....it stood out....it touched me.....and i realized that i've put in wonderful work for my criminal justice degree....but on more than five occassions (can't remember which letter is doubled, so i did em both) i've spoken that the odds were slim that i'd ever use it.....im so into the arts that, in the event writing doesnt work, i doubt that i'll ever be able to not have my hand in the this community some kind of way......

so why not jump the broom.....why not chance that i made a mistake, while a not so bad one, a mistake nonetheless......and the way to correct it is to go in the direction of the things i love.....graphic arts...big on my list.......fashion.....culinary....tops my list......why not say ok, i'm gonna do this....im gonna walk away from that, and pursue something to my heart.....while it is ideal that i finish what i started, which is something i've been known for not doing.....
at the expense of losing lots of credits and i have plenty, but i still have over a year left.....esp with the new classes they've since added.....should i  spend the year and a half fnishing that, just because i started it already, or spend the next year and a half, starting something new, close to my heart with true dedication and purpose.....?

i have the answer....
hope you have yours .

dear n/a

I'm Bored.

simply put

with all of this....with this never ending struggle of who i am and what i'm doing.....i wish for a moment, one could really see inside of the hurt i feel for different things, just to get a better understanding of who i am and why i say and do the things i do and say....
but....

its whatever

i'm bored
simply put
i thought you were different.....
found out you werent
and now
i never want to hear your poetry again.

sincerely

ken

Fuck It, Feel It Day

the energy in the air tastes like fungus


green

sticky

mucous.....

sound nasty?

feels nasty too.....



the aroma coats my throat with algae, this -

is for the birds

not

for the poets

this is for the war

not

for the poets, THIS

is for the hattfields

not for the

POETS



i refuse to go battleship with this shit

if maya didnt have to do it

why the hell should i

if Giovanni's words were able to reach

touch

smell the sky,

why can't mine

it doesnt have to be this way.....i dont have to have this bile ass taste being swallowed

i dont have to feel swallowed into the belly of the beast when i come in peace

all this iraq blood shed on my hometown sheets of paper

we crip walk across pages,

declaring war on terror

yet

terrorizing ourselves

and

each other

smothering venues with ego love hate baseball games



catchers mits catching shit instead of words

bacteria instead of knowledge

snares in place of memorized stares

he can't respect my words

cause he dont like me

he cant feel my poem

cause i REFUSE to ride on his team

this aint for me

i'm a poet

and this

aint for the poets



this is more for the rappers

let them peel the caps and hoe each other out across 48 gold-dipped bars

but this war



it aint for the poets

this beef

aint for the streets

contrary to some belief, this is NOT a fight and a streetwar on weed

THIS

is a movement

words are water and can easily fall into line with your ears,

sink into your skin pores and value you

appreciate you

THIS is liquid in letter form

this is a cactus morphed into a rose that grew from the brick wall



thats what this is

in my heart

so keep your fungai

your fuzz of mold

keep your lost cause, keep your broken eyebrows that point down when i touch the stage with my poems

keep your raw beef

cook it....consuming undercooked foods can kill you.







freewrite #100...idk...im just guessing.....i was driven to write this from a invite i have....keep it to yourself ken....keep it to yourself...lol...this is how i keep my feelings to myself....some ppl need to be checked for real yaw...if you are reading this....all this poetry BEEF...HAHAHAHA....i got real beef with ppl....real pain, real "you did me dirty" and its not cool, but if i have been able to overcome the shit i have over came in the past year alone where poetry is concerned, then all this lolligagging and wanna be westside-whoobanging-poetry-beef that is going on needs to cease....cause it does absolutely NOTHING to help the community...i'm not calling for unity....i'm keeping it real....there are some people in the community right now, that i will NEVER speak to, that i honestly wouldnt piss on to relieve their desert thirst...i mean that....but thats my own ish right there...but there is a common ground that we can all be on....and i often see at least one person that i would love to just push over the edge of the cliff, but i dont sit and scowl at him all night or go tell all the ppl that talk to him, why they shouldnt trust him....i dont have to acknowledge him...i would never partner with im for shit!!! But....
there is a common ground we share, and thats poetry and its stupid to sit around and waste my time talking about what went wrong LAST YEAR .....when i need to be focused on dropping my cd, writing my books, cleaning my house, walking my dogs, changing the world, i mean damn ya'll....

has it seriously come to this.....i'll say it...i'll take this hit for the team....we got two open mics on the same night, same time.....i dont know what thats about, and im not trying to speculate, but i'm going to say this....
stuff like that opens the door for beef, if it doesnt already exist....THAT would not be helping an already sticky situation...that would be the audience suffering......and i usually stand in the middle ...i understand both sides of the equation 90% of the time....here lately....i've just been going thru the wringer with poetry.....trying to become one with it again....i havent lost my love for it....but....i'll say it like this: I have spoken with ALOT of ppl, random ppl that feel this cloth of negativity over the poetry scene when they are out....and this isnt me prompting a conversation, this is just what it is and we can keep pretending and ignoring it and doing other stuff to perpetuate it and turn the other check, but
ITS THE AUDIENCE SUFFERING....they dont want to see or hear that shit...in all honesty

its in the air thick....that would be the audience suffering ..



there is a lot of stuff that could be avoided, because in the end, the poets who are silently and subconsciously beefing with each dont suffer.....THE AUDIENCE DOES! so why dont we make this our personal pep talk....everybody: talk about me if you want, talk about the things i've said, the conduct i've had....but make sure you run tell him what brought it on.....or just, as jill scott would say, stay silent!!
try to tarnish me to my ppl if you want....they will always be my ppl, cause they know me.....i've been dogged out....i've been run right over and completely disrespected...but i've always been honest.but i still respect POETRY....still love it.... TELL YOURSELVES that!!! now if you dont fit that bill, dont tell yourself that...dont even worry about...perhaps you should try rap....

and keep it moving to doing something more positive instead of trying to blow egos up with stage side bombs.....



btw

i really feel like naming a few names, but i would never do that cause i'm not petty like that...i'm just fucking it and feeling it, whatever it is, however it is coming to day.....i'm very disappointed in some poets....very.....and its not even about being personal...its about respecting the arts the way i thought we all respected it....please lets dont let poetry turn into hip hop vs rap....

Feelings...an underrated phenomenon

so its been said *by me* that im an emotional poet.....i write from my emotions...i dont talk much about political issues because the truth is...i dont get into much....i catch nuggets and i learn alot thru other ppl's poems, but i wont write about something that is not in my heart to write about or if i dont know what the hell i'm talking about....

so i just do me....my emotions and feelings.....and somehow i've still managed to get on a couple of ppl's favorite list and have also gained some fans in the process.....

i say this because, i FEEL like i live in a society where emotions and feelings get scooted under the rug and dismissed as childish....high school....who gives a damn about being hurt in 2010....sometimes i feel like its only me....and u know what...

thats cool....im tired of being patronized by ppl who tell me they love me, but have no concern for how they make me feel....usually this comes from men, but i have experienced it with a few females....i'm tired of being told, NO nsay...ur not supposed to talk about how you feel...just roll with the punches, because just because you feel that, doesnt mean i understand it, therefore, i dont want to hear it"....and to them i say Eff you....

plain and simple....today...i woke up FEELING good.....
yesterday, i left ball state FEELING ready to get out of Indy...not cause of anything that happened, just FEELING that itch more and more....
right now im FEELING like i dont give a damn about some stuff.....some stuff i do FEEL like i care about....weed makes me FEEL high....writing makes me FEEL amazing....
bullshit makes me FEEL shitty, patronizing makes me FEEL pissed.....sex FEELS good (with the right one) and death makes me FEEL hurt....

i often FEEL bad for how i FEEL and dont tell my inner most thoughts for fear that because it wont always be understood, it wont be respected.....today, i FEEL that at its highest peak....ppl dont give a damn if about your FEELINGS if they can't understand them....they dont FEEL its necessary to be bothered with ur feeelings....

i say all this....because at 31, i know the X & Y axis of my feelings and where they fall on my sleeves.....i dont apologize for FEELING....and honestly, i dont care if someone else doesnt understand it.....

sometimes u have to agree to disagree and move on with your life....which is exactly what im doing....im leaving all the past there...for good....i have officially had it with ass kissing and the ever so boring "pretending"....i dont have to pretend not to have FEELINGS ....i dont have to pretend not to FEEL hurt when i'm hurt, angry when i'm angry or joyful when i am....i have good days, bad ones and hump days that dont fall on wednesdays.....i am human, i am woman, i am an emotional unstable creature.....i love myself....i respect myself and try harder everyday to do a better job of both, than i did the day before....i am one of the easiest ppl to get along with and one of the nicest ppl to meet....of course thats a biased personal opinion, but i have never really had trouble on MY end of friendship....ahhh friendship....still in high school nsay???

thats how i feel like ppl look at me these days cause i have FEELINGS.....do i look i give a shit...damn...u cant see my face right now....well i dont .....i will always feel.....when my dad got released from jail, i FELT happy .....should i apologize...i performed today at a junior high for all boys and got a standing O from some of them....young and male and they stood up for me and my two little poems...i FELT stupendous...not cause of my ego, although it was FEELINGS great....but because i felt like i got thru to them with what i was saying and it showed me that, given the opportunity again, i could get thru even more.....what a wonderful FEELING.....

how easy emotions are counted off and dismissed is amazing and i havent found the poem to describe how i FEEL when those i love make me FEEL like my FEELINGS dont matter....in due time i guess....


but for now....
i offer this....

if i apologize for FEELING
i'm telling you know, i'm not being honest.....
cause im not sorry
dont want forgiveness.....
im in the trenches...
the gutter
im in the sky
flying
im on the plane thats crashing
im in the sea, swimming
i'm the picture, hung up and frozen to the wall.....
i am but a ball of emotions.....
from happy to sad from pissed to amazed, i am what i am
and everything about me is imperfect, just the way i like it....
my theme some is Krazy and tupac keeps me high
cause he feels my pain
they say rappers are supposed to be gangsta's
so they shot him for not holding his end of the bargain too well.....
well....
just like Kennedy....martin and malcom
put an X next to my name and bury me crying
like a injured soldier, life sometimes hurts
and i feel the pain
feel the windgust moving closer to the heaven skies,
i am a soaring bird, dropping her children
catch flight
find life
find love
remember
love is a feeling
so if its not wrong
whats so bad about the rest
forgive me please
for i am but a woman of the day and a sleeper of the night
can't find the pen i write with
or the glass i like to drink with
but i can always find my sleeves
invisible and rolled to my wrists
covering the ash not attacked with lotion
forgive me please
for never wanting to apologize....
and never planning to be sorry
for being in touch
with my emotions.

Gumbo Poet.

i'm halfway done with my cd and i must say  i couldnt be more excited, proud and happy of what i have accomplished so far, and what i know is to come when i go back to finish it.....i can't believe that this day is finally setting sail to be here...it seems like such a long awaited event....and maybe i'm the only person that was awaiting this day, but i'm telling you.....what i feel now, can't be compared to anything short of the excitement u feel when you are baking toll house cookies and you got some ice cold fresh milk, and you go to the oven to check on them and they are almost done, but they need about five more minutes....

that feeling...the feeling of wanting to just break off a still semi raw piece and eat it, just to satisfy your thirst, even if only for a hot second....THAT feeling...is what i feel now....and i love it.....

if i had to describe what i think about this cd...how i classify it...or who'd i compare myself to, i'd say no one....its a mix of neosoul, rock and r&b, with a splash of hiphop and 100% me....it embodies who i am....i've been thinking over the last few days, what kind of poet at i....i went and saw Jessica Care Moore at the Historical Society and she was very moving to the crowd and powerful, all while being simply dressed in a black dress, some black heels and a cute spring of feathers from her hair....her bling was beautiful, but still minimal....she wasnt jeweled up with bracelets and gloves.....she wasnt jumping around or getting hype with her poems....she wasnt running out of breath and seemed to time her swallows perfectly.....she was great....at doing her....for a second...a split one....i wondered if i do too much....i wear all that, that she doesnt....and i'm still here....in indy....making the rounds in circle city....i do run out of breath sometimes and occasionally, you'll hear me stop my poem for a spit swallow.....

am i political.....do i talk about war or healthcare....do i discuss enough of politics....do i teach people or bring people to light on anything.....

am i in love all the time....am i angry.....pissed off at men and women....do i hate my father every other poem and love to have sex in the rest....who the hell is nsay.....why dont i use my name and is it possible for my "name" to stop me from getting in certain places....these are all a collection of things i have thought about ....

and for it...my only answer is ....i am me....i discuss me in 95% of my poems....and in the other 5% where i discuss things i havent necessarily experienced, i still incorporate my life in it in some way....do i wear too much jewelry, dress to sexy or go too far with my look....nope. i am rockstar poet and have been since i got here....i always knew it, ya'll didnt....lol....
i dress my way, in my own style...i like a little bit of everything and as i grow older, my style changes and things that used to be the shit to me, arent....i love heels and will wear them until i cannot anymore and i love dresses, jeans, shorts, skirts, short skirts, shirts, tshirts, ...grunge, gruff, rock, hiphop, etc....i am all things style....but my own....i do things the way i want to....

am i political....nope...not really...i have a section of poems i call the "not so political political poems"....i am angry and happy, mad and hurt....pissed and horny.....i am everything...i am not just one feeling regurgitated over and over in different wording.....i am in and out of love, i see the middle of things more often than, i understand both sides and agree to speak for all.....i
am
a gumbo poet.....
can be made with or without chicken, shrimp or adouille sausage, but best when eaten with the element of surprise..i use my life to relate to others....i dont do a lot of preaching but somehow i managed to find a few people who consider themselves fans of mine...i've even been called someone or two's "favorite poet"...and dare i never forget the little girl that cried when she met me, after listening to brownstone in brooklyn *of course*....so it seems i dont need to be any one of those other things....when i first started performing, one night a long time ago.....at the Cozy...Hypnotiq was hosting in place of Ill Holiday....when it came time for her to introduce me, she said something that has stuck with me every since....it is a statement that i grew to live by, write by and accept myself as.....

she said "this next poet coming to the stage, i never know what to expect from her"

thats me.
gumbo poet.
expect nothing but pureness...i am me....beautifully made and self accepted.....i am a style rock star....a poetic cross between rihanna, jill scott and Lauryn hill....am i comparing myself to them. YES.  Am i as good as them. Yes. even if you dont agree.  Its not about what you think. Its about what i think.  And i am a gumbo poet.

complete with a new cd of growth and promise.  Til Death Do Me Poetry, i promise to be an as good of me, as i can possibly be.

random thoughts that collected since i last blogged

Lamar Hill has found his way to my favorite artist list....he gave THE most heartfelt performance i have ever seen in my poetry life....i love a lot of poets for a lot of different reasons....some are special for one poem, some for many....but Lamar Hill is special to me because every single word he said, i was hanging onto for dear life....i sat, stood, cried, clapped, cheered and shouted.....oh and the ever so present "stack that cheese" was in order.....listening to him speak gave new meaning to what i am doing and why.....if i am not making moves like that, where i not only command the crowds attention, but i talk to them in a way that tells that i am just like that and i am here to help in some way or another, than i am without purpose....if my poems dont do that, i apologize for thinking they were coming close....but from this moment forward, i know exactly how to reach my destiny....

cd release party tentatively April 29th....regardless if its the cd release party or not, i am featuring at the Urban element, April 29th .... not sure of the show, title or purpose, but know that it will be one....

after scouting locations and coming up with random ideas, i have found the spot for my photos for the cd to be taken...i have titled the cd, picked out all the poems, put them in order and am ready to record...i am in sync with the studios, have just about enough music tracks and am ready to record...the only thing i need is a graphic designer who isnt pricey.....i am ready to record and starting monday, i will be....by next monday, my first full length cd will be complete.....at least a rough draft...lol

i was going through my pics on facebook, which i do from time to time when i have nothing to do, but unlimited computer access.....wow....so many memories.....so many do agains - those are moments that i wish i could do all over again just to experience the feelings i remember feeling.....

i love my dogs
i am still socially fasting, but loosely so to speak i guess....
i love my dogs ....
i have successfully ended several friendships in the past two wks, because they bring no positivity to my emotions....
i am stoked about this cd
the more poets i meet, the more different i see myself from everyone else.....there's just something inside of me that i assumed most ppl had, i havent found it in anyone else yet....this is not a good or a bad thing...this is life.
i fixed my other bedroom after nearly two years of pretending it doesnt exist....i now own a walk in closet.  and i feel good in there.

i love my dogs
i love writing
i am more than a poet
i am a writer
for life
consider this my kiss.

Fetal Watch

i can feel excitement running through my body like flares.....i lights me...inside out....i can't wait...overcome with desire to achieve completion.....what do i speak of ...

releasing my cd...my first, full length cd....something that has been just up in the air for quite some time and now the time has come and it couldnt have happened at a more appropriate time....
..getting to this point does not feel better than sex as some would say....maybe.....but...the build up to it could be easily compared to that of the hike towards orgasm.....veins are rattling...shaking....almost like an inner body quake....anticipation....
sweat.....unintentional nervousness....and when the moment finally arrives, aka my cd release party, it will be over so quick, only pics and strong memories will be the proof that it happened....

i am overcome with enthusiasm for my project.....last night i put two poems with two tracks i already had, and they just sounded soooo good.....i nearly cried....wow....i almost have to physically stop myself from calling up one of the studio's and going to record....i have to say to myself...
not yet nsay
its not time
see i have to maximize my studio time...i plan on doing as many poems as i can per hour....now i've recorded plenty of times before, i know i cold be very well working on one poem for one entire hour....but the more i rehearse, the better the odds, and the last two times i have recorded, it only took two tries.....so that gives me hope....im recording on a budget....i can't afford to record....
....but i can't afford
...not to record....LOL....sooo....anyway....the process has begun and what a process it is when you add in elements of desire, goals, hopes and conquests.....i want this cd to be one of the nicest spoken word cd's to come out ....not because of the accolades it would get me, though an award nomination is not too much of a stretch....
might as well reach for the top
....but moreso because, if you think the cd is dope, you'll share it with someone else.....and maybe they will share it...maybe someone will wanna buy it, or book me.....and if its one of the nicest ones, then it will get mutiple plays...i dont want it to be the cd you like, think is cool ...
and then sit to the side....
hey i have a few of those....i own ALOT of spoken word cds because if i have it, i try to support.....but there are only a few that have moved me to repeat play...and thats what i wanna do....i want my cd to be replayed so whatever the message is in that particular poem, it gets out....
you receive it....
you learn from it....experience it....i want the listener to be able to attach themselves to the speakers and listen to the biography of a life moment quite like one they remember be played out.....
i want to touch someone....i dont just say that for kicks.....when i first started this, i never expected it to be this great.....or to feel this good.....i had no expectations outside of spitting a poem at the open mic.....it has since become my life.....
when i dropped Say Something....it was rushed....it was done for the purpose of product...i'm not gonna lie....i had The Queens of Spoken Word show coming up, and i didnt want to be the only person without something to profit from, if even in the minor form.....it started out with the intention to be a whole cd, turned into a EP due to time constraint, then it was re-released with three extra poems, and has since gone on to be bootlegged by myself to include four more extra poems....some from a recording session i did that was also in a rush due to time constraints, some that i just got from FW cd's that i was included on....hell they were my poems...why not....
so i kind of "made" me up a whole cd so to speak.....and it is an honor that people have still found ways to love it and play it continously, but for a moment of honesty....i've never been one with that cd.....
i've never had the connection to it that i already have with this one coming up.....
.....i've always forgotten it, don't mention it at shows, don't push it much....don't carry it with me like a normal starving artist who is full time....we just don't connect....
me and my poems...
unconnected...
sounds like an unreal (lol).....idk....i like it....and i am damn proud of it....i put forth great effort to it....no regrets....it is as it should be....
but my connection to it has been lost from the beginning....which is what makes this process so lovable....i creating this cd on a daily basis....
i am learning directions, finding different pitches, tracks, tones, emotions....i am finding out how to move someone ...talk to someone....i am learning how to pick out a poem for a cd....asking myself why, as if interviewing myself....
"Self, why did you pick this poem?"....if there is no definite answer with a purpose, then that poem doesnt get picked....i dont want something that just sounds good....but i dont want to something that teaches to hard....i'm a poetic cross between Rihanna and Jill Scott....and i want that to be shown on my cd....
i want ME to come out of my cd, and i think that was the disconnect with me and Say Something, is it had no personality to me.....not to me....not me...
....i want ppl to get to the end of this cd and be just shy of mental orgasm (in case they are driving).....
so it has begun.
the process.
the process of completing my first full cd.....all me, done by me....i feel as though i am watching my lyrical fetus grow.....and the release party???? OMG.....something to be celebrated....i want this cd to have the purpose i say i prayed for.....and it will
...from the title change to poems that were once to be included, now lying in crucial conflict on the cutting room floor, i am on the verge of something great.....
something meaningful
something so powerful, even i won't believe that I did it....
i thank Him for choosing me.
i wouldnt have had it any other way.