Black Women Are in Denial & Have Run Off Men.

This was posted on my facebook wall today by someone.

I couldnt help but look at a few other female fb walls in order to see how many ppl were gifted with this video.  I appear to be the only one, at least, out of the people i checked.  Which was not many.

Now, i can't help but wonder if this was posted after reading my most recent blog.  But that wouldn't make any since, because this video does not relate to my blog, that is soley about MY experience(s), not anyone else's.

I do not run a "blanket blog"'.   Everything in this blog is privy to MY life and MY life only.  The thoughts, opinions and feelings shared are from my life and my experiences and are not meant to represent a whole gender or race or nation of people, unless otherwise noted.

So this video....could not have been about my blog ....right?

Then i think to myself....it would have to be.  What other random reason would this massive display of tom foolerly be gifted to my wall w/o so much as a "Lmao" hashtag.  Surely this was a joke.  MInd you, i am at  work, so I am not able to listen to it in its full capacity.  What I have heard sounded very hostile and may have put me off before i could get to the ending where it all comes together for the greater good, but when i see RIP as the title, i can't help but think someone was attempting to get a rise out of me.  Well here is the rise.

Have a great day sir.

I strongly disagree with what i have heard so far, but, i will finish listening to it when i get home...just to be sure that i havent formed an ill-opinion.....however, i am mildly offended at what i've heard.  

i will leave this on my blog so the video that MrPerson posted to my fb wall, can reach more and many people. *shrug*  maybe that will make his day that much better.  I dont know.

This is what some people think about black women.....

and apparently, 
specifically, 
ME.

And i'm ok with that.

Because i know God

and i know better.

jY

Me.Dating.TheMost.Morris Code.Communication.

Trust me.

There is a woman that does not want your fucking money.  There is also a woman who does not give a damn about your have vs your have nots.   She looks directly into your eyes when you talk and seeks understanding of your brain’s constitution, in hopes that it will shed light upon your compatibility with each other. 

She will not torch your dreams in laughter and she won’t throw in your face the times you have failed.  She will not cook every day but you’ll probably never go hungry.  Worst case scenario, she’ll just sit on your face…..and you wont mind. 

She is fulfilling. 

I’m telling you that she exists as much as the person she is waiting to give whats left of her heart, which has been rebuilt more times than a habitual faulty transmission.   But here’s the thing:

You cannot do what is known in 2012 as: #TheMost.

I hate dating.   


It is fucking like being a blind person and trying to figure out what the hell all this morris code is!!! 0_o


#TheMost is all too present when ppl don't know each other. It is so fucking unpredictable and it is really hard to get a firm hold of.  The do’s and don’t change with the years, chivalry is not as easy to find in the new millennium as it was in the 60’s and sex seems to be the easiest upfront offer.  But at this point of my particular life, I have opened my own doors, paid for my own entertainment, meals and bills FMBM (for me by me) since at least 03.  I desire chivalry in ALL its glory.  I’d rather a man have a threat in his voice about me opening my own door than to walk with a nigga who is standing BEHIND me, as I walk up to what I should be stepping aside for.  I can keep rolling with the do’s and don’ts.  I am connected to social media and internet enough to stay aware of the ever changing tide of relationship building.  And sex….pfft….I’m more in touch with masturbation than ever before and I’m perfectly ok with it. The best orgasm I have ever experienced came from my shower.  Roger that!!!!!   Sex is overrated.  It is a great thing and it feels wonderful granted a mental connection has been established, but in a time when 40 million ppl worldwide have AIDS/HIV, I’m absolutely A O K  with keeping this snatch bundled up in a pair of Victoria’s, only to be shared with someone I trust with keeping my secrets.  I am stingy.  I don’t wanna share any penis anymore.  I’ve played MANY roles in my life where man is concerned.  None of them got me far.  Esp not that sharing shit.   In 2012, he who thinks pursuing me is a great idea, is really on to something, but will have to earn his degree at the dinner table.  I am a flirt tho.  But that does NOT mean you will get this P. 

Again….i hate dating.  #TheMost is all too present.

In the last few weeks, I have tried my hand at getting to know a couple of new people.  One just won’t work, no matter how hard I try.  We can’t get our dates to match up, we can’t get our schedules to match up, we just cant get right.  He's cute though and I keep wanting to try because this is a black man, with a degree, easy on the eyes, intelligent, a lover of poetry.....i mean, if this was Sex in the City, he'd be my "Good on Paper Guy".....but i want to be pursued dammit, so fucking pursue me.  I have done all the damn chasing all my dating life and i'm done with it.  He seems interested, but idk...maybe not interested enough??? But i also don't want to be too picky...idk...i'm not in a rush for shit, so its like, if you dont wanna SEEK a time and place that is viable for us both, then its whatever and you are doing #TheMost....what kind of backwards twisted fairytale is that???


The other, the one I was actually really digging so to speak, didn’t work either.  Which brings me to another point: When does keeping it real become too real? 

When is honesty respected and more VIP, what the hell happened to the Art of Communication?????

Here’s the deal: I told this cat something private about me, that really, I have shared in public on numerous occasions.  For those that know, I spoke of #TheHealingClass and my love for learning.  This apparently was a problem for him, which, was the reason I was telling him in the first place.  So that too much time didn’t pass and we didn’t find ourselves in a potential situation where the “like” is really there and popping but a simple discovery about one’s life or extra curricular activities , throws a huge monkey wrench in forward motion.  IN other words, I thought I was giving him what it is us women have long been asking for: A Right To Choose.

If this is not for you, then here is the info now so that you may make a decision that fits your life and your lifestyle.  No hard feelings. That was my thought process.  And somehow, I had the fucking audacity to think my honesty would be appreciated, if not applauded.  Ha.  I was instead greeted with a message that needed “deciphering”….some type of one line MarsVenusMorrisCode shit that I didn’t understand, of which I stated, and was then greeted with the fact that this Braille of a response had a lot of meaning.  Well WTF is it ???!!!! ß I didn’t say that tho.  I instead stopped communicating.  I don’t want to go thru all this.  And did I mention he stated that, that was all he was going to say???? I do not want to jump thru fire rings in order to understand where your thoughts are.  A simple “that’s not for me” would have worked.  In Sex in the City, Carrie met Aiden, who didn’t like smokers.  When she lit up a cigarette in front of him, he told her flat out: I cant date a smoker.  But that’s HBO.

In real life, men would rather kiss your with a response that tastes like feces.  I don’t have time for that.  So I figure red flags went up in both directions.  I respect his decision, but after all of our conversations, I would have hoped for a better way of “breaking the not interested” to me.  But hey, I guess that’s my fault for thinking too highly of myself and my upfront honesty.  Maybe its ME who is doing #TheMost.

Which then makes me say hmmm…..next time, I wont say shit.  Just whatever happens, happens.  But then I say, no I can’t do that.  I don’t wanna go back to dating like a sophomore.  I am grown ass woman and any man who doesn’t want to participate in my life does not have to.  I’ve spent entirely too much of my life on the chase for a love that didn’t want me.  I’ll be damned if I start doing it with anyone else. 

Again. I hate dating. Too many tablespoons of #TheMost,and i'm done.

So now I’m back to solo. Not that was ever NOT solo, but you know...no more communicating with anyone or flirty messages and such.   And you know what…..i am ok with that.  I’m not biting, fighting, kicking or screaming to be with anyone.  I will not allow anyone to make me feel worthless.  I will not allow negativity into my circle of life.  If there is a way to prevent heartache, I shall.  I am not even on the search for anything, as I should NOT be any fucking way.  I’m chilling and allowing life to happen in and around me.  I’m not in a rush to share my greatness with anyone.  And that is not arrogance speaking.  I am great.  I have survived pitfalls, downfalls, I have dusted myself off from the downward spirals of my life, I have built my own empire with my own handiwork and money.  I have a love for my community and everything i have done, whether it was stripping and pole dancing or spitting and stage performing, i have done with the best of my abilities, and dare i chance a run-on sentence to say i've been good at it all!!  I have worked for everything I have in and around my life.  I am a good friend, a good person and love to give love.  So yes, please believe I think I’m great and anyone who doesn’t …..well that’s cool too.

But watch how fast you become a Mr/Mrs WhatsTheyName???

I hate dating. 

But worse than that….i hate wasting time.  I have wasted a lot of that, that I will never get back.  My life is shorter than it was back then and I have nothing to show from those relationships except the personality traits that I have walked away with as a result.  I finally, after a long time, learned how to treat someone respectfully and learned how to show the love that exists within me for another person.  I have backed dreams, goals and even been the lookout when nec.  I have held the crack in my coatpocket, the gun in my purse and all but wrapped my head in a blue or red rag and leaned out the window with the semi-auto.  *cue joe clark voice* "they used to call me Bonnie, now they call me Kendria"
  I don’t give a shit about money.  I have my own.  Of course I think I am entitled to being treated for once in my life at this point, but the truth is, I don’t wait for a man to do a damn thing for me.   I will drill, repair, move, shop and treat myself to dinner and movie, all on my own dime.  Its not about being independent, its just knowing what I want and going to get it.  I’m no ones gold digger.  I don’t care about your car as long as you have a reliable one in motion.  I’m pretty simple, just have dreams that you are WORKING towards achieving.  Have a fear of God.  BELIEVE in God, have Faith outside of in another human. I say all this to say, if I love you, if we are a we, then we really are a WE.  Your dreams really are a part of me. 

Your goals are a part of my plans. 

Building together is what I think of.  I’m in no rush to be this woman again, for she has huge shoes to fill and although I’ve worn them plenty of times, the corns I have to show for it have made me unfit for a new pair for awhile.  And I’m ok with that. But that IS the woman i am and at age 33, i've perfected that woman just a little bit better than before.....so what i require: respect and communication that does NOT include codes, safes, braille or other non traditional english, should not be a big deal considering all that will be incoming in one's favor.  But ...whatever. Maybe I'M doing the most.

I will not waste anymore time doing for others what others would quickly refuse to do for me……be.

I will be continuing my classes and enjoying them to the fullest.

And anyone who can’t handle how it is I choose to deal with my life

Just isn’t the person meant for me.

And I’m ok with that.

I just hope the next one has has an eye for PURSUANCE and is bold-enough to tell me  if they are no longer interested, instead of re-working the English language and healthy sentence structures in order to make me beg for reasoning.  Because beg is something jY will NOT do.

*exits behind cloud of smoke*

jY

My Challenging Life is a Conduit

 

if success is living

at your highest potential

seizing each second as if there were no next one…two…three…four…

if success is

living beyond your wallet, your confinements, your stressors, your negatives….if success …..is living until there is nothing left but memories, than I must sign up as a success story.

Because the truth is, I have a pretty shitty life.  Not that, that is a bad thing.  And really, its not shitty, but I liked how that sounded right there and right then…..but my life is…..challenging….and probably no more challenging than the next person’s, but this is my life and I speaketh from my perspective and my life is….difficult.

 

Too often.  My life is sour more than I want it to be.  So I signed up to start meditating for the next 21 days…..and ….truthfully….idk what I think about that yet…..but I’m not giving up on it……so any who…..this is not a blog about my challenges…..

this is a blog about success.

and I am something like successful.  Not only was able I to pull off Mars Vs. Venus, I created a circle of unity and love and RESPECT, of each other, in a “competition” setting but without competition…….I’m not bragging.

Actually.

Maybe I am….but just a little.  But its not about that….and I did not do it on my own, I did with a network of people and a solid team of trusting and trustworthy people by my side.  We hold hands round here'"!!!! 

Mars Vs. Venus 2012. 

I have been wanting to do one of these shows since I saw it in Detroit during WoWps….see the previous blog for more on that…that was 2009….I still have faux fliers I was messing around with in Photoshop for it…I should find them and post them…..but to finally have done it….my “name” so to speak, aside, to have been able to bring something so empowering, not just for the people, but for the poetry community that desperately needed it so badly, is so fucking humbling and scary and wonderful all at the same damn time!!!  I fucking have POWER.  And I KNOW that shit now.  Like, I’ve known for some time, but now, I am POSITIVE of it….last night, we turned Peace of Mind Pub & Eatery into a bridge over a dam and we, the poetry community and lovers alike, turned that bridge into Graffiti Bridge. We spray painted and drew pictures and twirled ribbons and danced, skipped, hopped and jumped around, holding hands, like kids…..like we just hit the piñata….and the audience was candy…

the trophies were awesome….but fuck the trophies.

We fucking did it.  We proved to ourselves, and I hope all my fellow Indianapolis poets who participated and witnessed last night know this, that we are a community.  That with the common goal in sight, we CAN work together. We CAN build and create maps and puzzles and plans and blueprints, shit we can do ANYTHING we want to….together. 

I had to replace people throughout the month leading up to last night.  And it doesn’t matter.  I have dealt with attitudes because people felt like they should have been prime candidates to be on the team.  And I probably didn’t handle that particular situation AS correct and loving as I wish I had’ve, but so what.   Seriously.  It doesn’t matter.  Those teams last night…..understand, those ten poets on those two teams last night, representing not only their genders, but OUR craft, were not “Chosen'” by me…..I am merely the conduit the fluid is running thru.  That’s it.  I did what divine order said and I believe in God….strongly.  So please believe that I believe this has little to do with what “januarieYork” wants and everything to do with what God says we need.  As a whole.

Those ten poets last night, Sleepy P, Theon Lee, T.Odis, Gabrielle, Rehema, Too Black, Tony Styxx, Cory, Chenzira, DuWaup….

and then my co-host Jus Will….and then my partner Kia….and our partner Neena….and our partners Peace of Mind….

All of this was destined to come together JUST the way it did.  And I am so proud.  I don’t know whether to keep crying or start dancing.  When I turned that corner, nearly 45 minutes late, and saw a completely FULL parking lot, I could almost have crashed the Yorkie in awe.  It was stressful, it was high power, high voltage…..

we were stressed for the first hour because we were late and hadn’t set up, greeted people, we just felt like shit for the first hour.  But it came together perfectly.  To see it on the TVs, to see all the camera’s rolling, it was like a freaking poetry press conference….the upper bar area was like the paparazzi post!!! People were everywhere ….you could barely walk without bumping into a person….it was crazy….it was poetic.  It was fucking awesome ….it was accomplishment….

it was EVERYTHING poetry and specifically Spoken Word, are about, IMO.  *shrug*

The first time I saw Beauty vs. Brawn in Detroit, was the day this got rolling.  I am honored, so extremely HONORED, to have shared these moments with kindred spirits.  I am honored to have witnessed the POWER of our poetry community….the driving force in our words!!!  We went to CHURCH last night and not everybody can understand that!! We had fun last night!! The judges had fun….it was challenging….it was a true challenge, there were freaking huddles happening behind us!!! Me and my cohost set off the competition like our poems were on fire our voices were water, yes this is a braggadocios blog.  I am fucking PROUD dammit.  And I will not let the cloud of “don’t be over confident” ruin the fact that I should be Proud.  And its not all me.  I say that again.  This was a collective effort.  I am simply a conduit.

I love it.  I am so high.  So stoked….still…..the last 48  hours, my house has been filled with poetic spirits, song and dance….we have laughed our fucking asses off…..we’ve shit talked….we’ve sparred and took shots and laughed some more and did steak n shake twice back to back and just vibed….like folks aint gotta go to work the next day.  We…..created new memories…

one of my FAVORITE things to do.

And if that wasn’t enough, the women  took home the title of CHAMP!!!! HA!! #BatmanPow!   And it was definitely a challenge.  We were getting our ass kicked in the beginning, but we took it.  We took control of it and tied that baby up, only to get the tie breaking round handed over to us.  I love it.  I HOPE like crazy there are no ill feelings or what ifs or shoulda/coulda/wouldas…I hope, with every fiber in me, that everyone sees themselves as successful last night.  As a part of poetry’s Graffiti Bridge.  It was a reunion that will be talked about for ages.  And there were blips and hiccups, but this was the first one.   And it…..just took my breath away.  That damn parking lot took my breathe away.

This is a long blog.

and I’m gonna end it because I could go on forever about the bliss of last night…..but wait!!!!

-the parking lot poetry cypher and chill session….how the stars sat underneath the stars and shared shooting star theories…..

there were groups of people….there was laughter…..there was love….someone came up there at the last minute just to get a business card….she ended up walking into the parking lot cypher and staying and being FED….she told this to me….and gave me some free earrings…. SWEET….it was beautiful. It was wonderful.

It was poetry.

And I’m so blessed and so proud, and I beg of myself to remain humble enough to do it again and again and again so that I may continue to bring unity and light and ENlightening to my communities and people as often as possible.  Fuck.

I had to say that.

Its beautiful.  In close, I refer back to my challenging life.  Life is a challenge.  It is a never ending series of how do you handle it moments and somewhere in there, we are supposed to fit peace, love and laughter, in order fill out the balance.  I have found my balance.  And this is not an epiphany.  I’ve been knowing this for years.  I’m just revisiting the thought.  My balance lies within the lines and the love that we create when we put our lines together.  You guys are my family.  By accident.  I didn’t mean for you to be and I try not to put too much pressure on you or even the same pressures that come with being “blood” family.   All I ask is love and respect…mutually….if I get it, we become…..but if I don’t, I get ghost.  I’ve ghosted a few in the recent weeks….and that doesn’t necessarily OR JUST refer to poetry.   My challenging life has undergone some changes and a facelift over the weeks….I’ve lost close members of family to eternity and finally let go of #SmallFries (see other blogs).  And last night, was JUST the thing I needed.  And so was my dress.

For me, last night was about fearlessness.  Fearlessness of wearing something over the top, fearlessness of competing against a GIANT, fearlessness of having the ability to put together something HUGE and it being successful.  Again….my life is challenging. Even as I type this, the extremes of  Kendria and januarieYork are too crazy to believe. But they are truth and still parallels; perfect parallels.  Guess that’s why they are in the same body *shrug* 

I needed this.  I SO needed this.  FOr soooo many reasons, but mostly because I’ve been needing to be poetically nurtured and fed to the point that I think my notebooks look emaciated.  0_x 

And last night.  I got that.  From ten of the dopest poets I know.  From ten of the best Indy and surrounding areas have to offer. Yeah I hand picked them.  Contacted them one by one and the ones that said yes and stuck to it, weren’t doing it JUST because they wanted to.  They weren’t doing januarieYork a “favor”….this is way bigger than us and our pissy ass egos…..

this was/is divine order.

So feel free to shoot the messenger if you must

but my challenging life….

….is simply being SUCCESSFUL at living as the conduit.

Vintage Nsay: Beauty Vs Brawn, Detroit 3.21.09

Sometimes I think am not cut out for this shit…I mean, everybody who KNOWS me, knows that I have gone thru my share of poetical esteem issues…..now…I have come a long, long way….a long way….I believe in myself…I believe in what I do, how I do it and what I say…I believe that I have a great ability and a great talent that other people wish they had….and I embrace it….fully…..nobody will EVER be able to tell me that I’m not “talented”….im very talented…in many areas other than writing…..but sometimes I wonder if I am meant to go outside of Indy’s state lines with my poetry…..and as soon as I type that, I recall all the places I HAVE been……which I guess would make this blog almost pointless, but not really, because had I not started writing it, I may not have had this epiphany….I have been lots of places….well maybe not lots, but definitely a few different ones….right now…I am in Detroit….a place of which I have always had issues with that go far outside and beyond the realm of poetry….but that’s another blog, another time…..so as I continue to type, I realize that this is all part of the cards…I will be here again in about a week and a half….ironically…this city holds so much pain for me….there is not a time I come into this city that I don’t get instantly reminded about the things that took place all the times I have been here…..there is not a moment that I am on the highways of Detroit, that I don’t wonder if this overpass im passing under is the same one I was walking barefoot over…..as I say, this city holds pain for me….so its only appropriate that it continues….and its funny because I am 30 now and the negativity in my life has been replaced with poetry’s positive signals and I try to move on and move beyond the past…..the only reason I am even discussing it now is because I’m having more and more epiphanies as I type…..so to bring it all back to my original point, I am in Detroit right now…..the comfort inn on Jefferson street to be exact…..I just left the Beauty vs Brawn competition for WoWps…..it was fun….I had a good time and the poets were great….despite the easy to spot favoritism on behalf of its on poets, I still managed a good time….I got up there though….I can’t believe it…nSAYchable got in a “competition”…not really a slam, but a competition none the less……I walked to the stage feeling like I had the fire and left the stage feeling blown out……I lost the round to the men…I was completely embarrassed….honestly, I wanted to cry, and thought about going outside to cry, but I knew people were out there smoking, so it just didn’t seem to make much sense….I was the first woman to lose ……it wasn’t a landslide loss, but it was a loss….and in my eyes, I probably only saw three or four signs up for me….lol…I know it was more…..they thought about counting the votes since the audience voted, but decided to take the L, since we were already up by three….so embarrassing to me….and it was that moment that started the beginning of this blog….I almost started wondering if I had what it takes to be a performer….again…I had a setback….minor though….I do have what it takes…I almost questioned myself and started to wonder if I should just stick to doing poetry in Indy, but the bottom line is I am not made for everyone’s ears and everybody is not going to think that I am the shit….hands down….however…I had one of my favorite poets, if not my favorite poet, tell me that I was good…..he told me that I fall into a small percentage of people who are good…..and he told me this based off the very poem I did an hour or so ago that almost made me loose my spirit….and I believed him then, and now because he did NOT have to tell me that …..And even if he didn’t mean it, I believe it….so there it is…I have been to ....New York....….performed at the Nuyorican…..and although the room wasn’t filled with people, there were people there and those that were there gave me a standing ovation….DID I SAY I WAS IN NEW YORK??!!...I have been to ....Cincinnati.... and I know I left them wanting more….they told me….same for St. Louis, Nashville and the other place we stopped at along the way…im sure I’m missing somewhere, but I have tons of places that I have left to go…. And I guarantee myself, when I get to those places, they’ll like me too….I’m actually willing to bet when I get back here, the same can be said….hell I got a standing O in Flint twice…..people standing to there feet is not what I base my esteem or my writing ability on, but knowing that I have been shown much, much love, many many times, with many different poems, is reason to cut the thought I was having short….I don’t need to question myself….I know who the fuck I am….I’m nsaychable baby…..I am kendria…I am poetry and poetry is me….together we feed off of each other, bringing light to dark arenas and attention where there is deficit….please…..they can’t break me here….I cried…I will say that I cried…my voice sounded horrible because I have a cold…a bad one….it sounded stuffy, hoarse, I couldn’t get my breathe right cause I can’t breath thru my nose, I was nervous and it was coming out in my voice….it sucked….my performance sucked…..I been hyping myself up all week, but I sucked, hands down…..SO….K.I.M (figure it out, if not, search one of my other blogs.)…..I may not be the shit, but im definitely the urine…hahahahaha…..and I’m hot…pissy hot negroes!!!...I can, no scratch that, I DO move people….all the time…even when I’m reading….I don’t fear reading…I don’t think it makes me any less of a poet….I actually read my new poems as opposed to taking the time (a lot of it) to memorize them, because I believe that at any point I could die, and I want that poem to be heard from my voice before that happens if it does before I get it in my head…..I am confident in myself, 30 times more than I used to be…I am happy….and I had a great time up here in the D…..the same place that holds so many negative memories for me….and maybe this one wants to be put in the negative file, but it won’t…it was another one of those “learning situations”….I had several epiphanies as I wrote this blog…I cried in the hallway and called a familiar voice at home to help re-energize me…but I’m back….I actually never left…..I’m a little disconnected right now because although I believe in everything I just wrote, sometimes its hard for me to bounce right back once I have a setback, which is something that I have to work on….but its really all good…..I am a poet…..and I am a writer….however, I am neither if I let opinions have too much power…..hmmm….I guess I didn’t do that bad….maybe they didn’t like me, but I liked most of them….maybe they showed some favoritism, but I still made it up there…..maybe they will never be a fan of nsay up here in Detroit, but I confronted the fear of competition….and the best thing I am taking away from it, is I will NEVER be a slam poet….but I will always be a POET….

honest moment. ..meditation isnt working YET.

I’m going to be honest.

I don’t think I will get to heaven.

I also don’t think I will successfully escape the demons that exist within me.  The anger, the lack of trust, the ever present emotional fire of hurt and misplaced love.   The lack of love that I feel from the world outside.  The curiousity I have about the things I shouldn’t even wonder about.  The desire to LIVE harder than Life will allow me too……all these things work against me. 

Often, I cant remember that I’ve forgiven the ones that hurt me the most.  Yesterday’s meditation was on forgiveness.  I don’t even know who to forgive first or how.  I don’t know why i feel like I’m wrong for feeling like people owe me an apology.  I don’t know what to do.  I’m attempting meditation in hopes to bridge the gap between whats real and what faux.   But right now, in this moment, I feel like the gap is forever.  ….and its possible that I will never overcome the hurdle that it is.  Now tomorrow, I might feel completely different.  Rejuvenated and strong again but today is a day of defeat.  I am “out of sight, out of mind” ….i am disposable …..seemingly to everyone I know with the exception of my Queen and my sis in ATL.  I could go thru a long list of friends that have made me feel like I had no worth or value in their life….same with boyfriends, loves, etc…..

Its like they say: everybody cant be wrong.  ….and if that is true, and everyone thinks I’m worthless, how in praytell does one  expect me to hold steadfast to positive thinking and good harmony in my self-esteem?

And just like that.

I have nothing else to say.

Ticking Time Bomb

 

#35

Its my “scary age” as they say on sex in the city.  Matter a fact, as I sit here, on my loveseat sofa with the fan blowing in the opposite direction of my thoughts, I feel like I should stop this literary session briefly to exchange A Perfect Murder with one of the fun, flirty seasons of Sex in the City.  SITC is my designated Sunday show and my writing show.  Whenever I have nothing else to watch or want to watch something and be amused to write at the same time (and it not be to music), I pick SITC.  After all, I’m JUST shy of being the black Carrie, with a splash of seemingly ALL three of the other ladies; strong emphasis on Samantha.  #DontJudgeMe

hmmm….shall I break?

I think I shall.  So with that said, in a play by play sort of blog, I shall BRB. . . -

15 minutes later.

 

So that turned out to be more …I ended up making a quick gas station run. Any who, back to the lecture at hand….Now playing Politically Erect, episode 1 of season four…I think..

my scary age. …..35 …..those closest to me can attest to the fact that if there is anyone out here proud of EVERY age she turns, it is me.  I age myself the next year, six months into my newest change.  I am proud of my age, whatever it is.  I always have been and have never understood ppl who don’t claim their ages.  I never understood why it was disrespectful to ask a woman how old she was.  In my mind, I’m glad to have made it THIS far, so let me shout it and celebrate it with a weekend (or week) of parties, shots and laughter.   But if ever there was an age that scared me, it is 35.   Its like the beginning of the end of your youth.  No one calls you young anymore unless they are significantly older than you.  35 is that, “if you don’t know it by now, what the hell have you been doing all this time” age….for me.  Thirty five is the beginning of the change; in varying aspects.  Your body starts making jokes and pulling tricks that are only described as menopause later.  Your egg production decreases, the pickings get slimmer and it begins to seem as if where you are is where you will be. …at least in SOME areas.

But more VIP than all the above mentioned, 35 is the age I said I wanted to be when I moved to NYC.

and its close.

very….I am 33 …I am putting a quick end to the youthful side of my numeric and moving full speed into a seasoned GROWN ASS WOMAN.   ….the scary part, is I’m STILL trying to make it…..whatever it is….hell I even wonder if I’m still trying to figure out what “it” is……the thing about SITC is they talked about these issues, but each of them were perfectly placed in their respective careers…..mine is still up in the air…..although I AM experiencing job stability for the first time in my life…..33…time is rolling on the river and I seem to alternate between swimming and barely floating with my nose up.  *shrug* 

So…..I say all this to say, I want to start a 35 series on this blog…however, if you read some or all of the prior postings on here, you will find my intent to start LOTS of different types of blog series….currently it is my attempt to use my other EBlog to start the La Douleur eXquise (formerly the eXquisite Pain) series. ….of which I bring my audience closer to the various characters of the next show….after last night’s preview of one of my characters and how well it went, I think perhaps I may actually get on top of it but we’ll see….I have a full plate and a side of assorted desserts, so some things fall to the wayside…..this new series, the 35 series, hopefully will not land on the bench…I really think it’s a great idea to get me blogging when I want to blog but don’t have anything I’m interested in discussing….Listing is always fun, so this series will be a collection of lists…..different lists of 35, starting with 35 things I would say to the younger me….

that is sorta where the idea was birthed from….we’ll call it the Father …lol….I’ve seen and heard a lot of ppl writing or talking about all the things they’d say to a younger version of themselves or writing letters to the different ages of their life and so forth…I wanted to do one but am not a big fan of bandwagons…..so to make it ok in my mind, its just gonna be apart of this series….lololol….

So….I didn’t plan on this blog being THIS long, so I will blog my first list separately….but we’ll start with the 35 things I’d say to a younger me.   And from there, hopefully I can keep this series as a point guard and we will see how it grows and how many baskets it makes !

 

jY