7.27.2012

Me.Dating.TheMost.Morris Code.Communication.




Trust me.
There is a woman that does not want your fucking money.  There is also a woman who does not give a damn about your have vs your have nots.   She looks directly into your eyes when you talk and seeks understanding of your brain’s constitution, in hopes that it will shed light upon your compatibility with each other. 

She will not torch your dreams in laughter and she won’t throw in your face the times you have failed.  She will not cook every day but you’ll probably never go hungry.  Worst case scenario, she’ll just sit on your face…..and you wont mind. 
She is fulfilling. 

I’m telling you that she exists as much as the person she is waiting to give whats left of her heart, which has been rebuilt more times than a habitual faulty transmission.   But here’s the thing:

You cannot do what is known in 2012 as: #TheMost.

I hate dating.   


It is fucking like being a blind person and trying to figure out what the hell all this morris code is!!! 0_o


#TheMost is all too present when ppl don't know each other. It is so fucking unpredictable and it is really hard to get a firm hold of.  The do’s and don’t change with the years, chivalry is not as easy to find in the new millennium as it was in the 60’s and sex seems to be the easiest upfront offer.  But at this point of my particular life, I have opened my own doors, paid for my own entertainment, meals and bills FMBM (for me by me) since at least 03.  I desire chivalry in ALL its glory.  I’d rather a man have a threat in his voice about me opening my own door than to walk with a nigga who is standing BEHIND me, as I walk up to what I should be stepping aside for.  I can keep rolling with the do’s and don’ts.  I am connected to social media and internet enough to stay aware of the ever changing tide of relationship building.  And sex….pfft….I’m more in touch with masturbation than ever before and I’m perfectly ok with it. The best orgasm I have ever experienced came from my shower.  Roger that!!!!!   Sex is overrated.  It is a great thing and it feels wonderful granted a mental connection has been established, but in a time when 40 million ppl worldwide have AIDS/HIV, I’m absolutely A O K  with keeping this snatch bundled up in a pair of Victoria’s, only to be shared with someone I trust with keeping my secrets.  I am stingy.  I don’t wanna share any penis anymore.  I’ve played MANY roles in my life where man is concerned.  None of them got me far.  Esp not that sharing shit.   In 2012, he who thinks pursuing me is a great idea, is really on to something, but will have to earn his degree at the dinner table.  I am a flirt tho.  But that does NOT mean you will get this P. 

Again….i hate dating.  #TheMost is all too present.
In the last few weeks, I have tried my hand at getting to know a couple of new people.  One just won’t work, no matter how hard I try.  We can’t get our dates to match up, we can’t get our schedules to match up, we just cant get right.  He's cute though and I keep wanting to try because this is a black man, with a degree, easy on the eyes, intelligent, a lover of poetry.....i mean, if this was Sex in the City, he'd be my "Good on Paper Guy".....but i want to be pursued dammit, so fucking pursue me.  I have done all the damn chasing all my dating life and i'm done with it.  He seems interested, but idk...maybe not interested enough??? But i also don't want to be too picky...idk...i'm not in a rush for shit, so its like, if you dont wanna SEEK a time and place that is viable for us both, then its whatever and you are doing #TheMost....what kind of backwards twisted fairytale is that???


The other, the one I was actually really digging so to speak, didn’t work either.  Which brings me to another point: When does keeping it real become too real? 
When is honesty respected and more VIP, what the hell happened to the Art of Communication?????

Here’s the deal: I told this cat something private about me, that really, I have shared in public on numerous occasions.  For those that know, I spoke of #TheHealingClass and my love for learning.  This apparently was a problem for him, which, was the reason I was telling him in the first place.  So that too much time didn’t pass and we didn’t find ourselves in a potential situation where the “like” is really there and popping but a simple discovery about one’s life or extra curricular activities , throws a huge monkey wrench in forward motion.  IN other words, I thought I was giving him what it is us women have long been asking for: A Right To Choose.

If this is not for you, then here is the info now so that you may make a decision that fits your life and your lifestyle.  No hard feelings. That was my thought process.  And somehow, I had the fucking audacity to think my honesty would be appreciated, if not applauded.  Ha.  I was instead greeted with a message that needed “deciphering”….some type of one line MarsVenusMorrisCode shit that I didn’t understand, of which I stated, and was then greeted with the fact that this Braille of a response had a lot of meaning.  Well WTF is it ???!!!! ß I didn’t say that tho.  I instead stopped communicating.  I don’t want to go thru all this.  And did I mention he stated that, that was all he was going to say???? I do not want to jump thru fire rings in order to understand where your thoughts are.  A simple “that’s not for me” would have worked.  In Sex in the City, Carrie met Aiden, who didn’t like smokers.  When she lit up a cigarette in front of him, he told her flat out: I cant date a smoker.  But that’s HBO.

In real life, men would rather kiss your with a response that tastes like feces.  I don’t have time for that.  So I figure red flags went up in both directions.  I respect his decision, but after all of our conversations, I would have hoped for a better way of “breaking the not interested” to me.  But hey, I guess that’s my fault for thinking too highly of myself and my upfront honesty.  Maybe its ME who is doing #TheMost.

Which then makes me say hmmm…..next time, I wont say shit.  Just whatever happens, happens.  But then I say, no I can’t do that.  I don’t wanna go back to dating like a sophomore.  I am grown ass woman and any man who doesn’t want to participate in my life does not have to.  I’ve spent entirely too much of my life on the chase for a love that didn’t want me.  I’ll be damned if I start doing it with anyone else. 

Again. I hate dating. Too many tablespoons of #TheMost,and i'm done.
So now I’m back to solo. Not that was ever NOT solo, but you know...no more communicating with anyone or flirty messages and such.   And you know what…..i am ok with that.  I’m not biting, fighting, kicking or screaming to be with anyone.  I will not allow anyone to make me feel worthless.  I will not allow negativity into my circle of life.  If there is a way to prevent heartache, I shall.  I am not even on the search for anything, as I should NOT be any fucking way.  I’m chilling and allowing life to happen in and around me.  I’m not in a rush to share my greatness with anyone.  And that is not arrogance speaking.  I am great.  I have survived pitfalls, downfalls, I have dusted myself off from the downward spirals of my life, I have built my own empire with my own handiwork and money.  I have a love for my community and everything i have done, whether it was stripping and pole dancing or spitting and stage performing, i have done with the best of my abilities, and dare i chance a run-on sentence to say i've been good at it all!!  I have worked for everything I have in and around my life.  I am a good friend, a good person and love to give love.  So yes, please believe I think I’m great and anyone who doesn’t …..well that’s cool too.

But watch how fast you become a Mr/Mrs WhatsTheyName???

I hate dating. 
But worse than that….i hate wasting time.  I have wasted a lot of that, that I will never get back.  My life is shorter than it was back then and I have nothing to show from those relationships except the personality traits that I have walked away with as a result.  I finally, after a long time, learned how to treat someone respectfully and learned how to show the love that exists within me for another person.  I have backed dreams, goals and even been the lookout when nec.  I have held the crack in my coatpocket, the gun in my purse and all but wrapped my head in a blue or red rag and leaned out the window with the semi-auto.  *cue joe clark voice* "they used to call me Bonnie, now they call me Kendria"
  I don’t give a shit about money.  I have my own.  Of course I think I am entitled to being treated for once in my life at this point, but the truth is, I don’t wait for a man to do a damn thing for me.   I will drill, repair, move, shop and treat myself to dinner and movie, all on my own dime.  Its not about being independent, its just knowing what I want and going to get it.  I’m no ones gold digger.  I don’t care about your car as long as you have a reliable one in motion.  I’m pretty simple, just have dreams that you are WORKING towards achieving.  Have a fear of God.  BELIEVE in God, have Faith outside of in another human. I say all this to say, if I love you, if we are a we, then we really are a WE.  Your dreams really are a part of me. 
Your goals are a part of my plans. 
Building together is what I think of.  I’m in no rush to be this woman again, for she has huge shoes to fill and although I’ve worn them plenty of times, the corns I have to show for it have made me unfit for a new pair for awhile.  And I’m ok with that. But that IS the woman i am and at age 33, i've perfected that woman just a little bit better than before.....so what i require: respect and communication that does NOT include codes, safes, braille or other non traditional english, should not be a big deal considering all that will be incoming in one's favor.  But ...whatever. Maybe I'M doing the most.

I will not waste anymore time doing for others what others would quickly refuse to do for me……be.

I will be continuing my classes and enjoying them to the fullest.
And anyone who can’t handle how it is I choose to deal with my life
Just isn’t the person meant for me.
And I’m ok with that.

I just hope the next one has has an eye for PURSUANCE and is bold-enough to tell me  if they are no longer interested, instead of re-working the English language and healthy sentence structures in order to make me beg for reasoning.  Because beg is something jY will NOT do.

*exits behind cloud of smoke*

jY

No comments:

Post a Comment