so i read this comment that my mother put up behind my freewrite poem, Underneath a Pile of Bullshit....she seemed to think i was talking negatively or "spreading lies" about her.....what...i speak more on me in this poem than anything....but thats besides the point.....
as i was reading thru her comments, which granted her an exclusive all access pass to the delete room, i couldnt help but laugh......people have been calling and texting all morning....stacy even left me a voicemail crying.....and as i read thru it, i laughed....and smiled....but i think its because i know her, i know us, and they dont.....my mom did her best job to date trying to make my people see the person that she allegedly sees.....and i give her credit...i dont know who it worked on, but its possible it could have....it was very mean.....hateful....wrapped in an i love you sweatervest....but half of it was a lie, part of it was decorated with extra's and the rest had an entire story left off of it....now i originally felt i didnt owe anyone an explanation about it, but i can't help the desire to just clear a few things up....because what she is trying to do is paint me as someone who cares about outsiders more than family.....and its ironic because i just told Gabby last night, the people that like me, see the side of me she wishes existed....and she doesnt like me, so she doesnt see that...i dont go and just hang out with people who dont like me..." and then low and behold, she finally admits it, on facebook of all places.....
i didnt write that poem as an all out assualt on her....that poem is about knowing that no matter what anyone else says or thinks, i know i am a changed woman and still changing....and some areas are not complete...i am a work in progress, but im a work and im progressing nonetheless.....i love my family....but i dont have a family bond with most of them.....and its a very small family.....i refer to my mom and my grandmother as the firing squad, because being with them is just like being in front of one.....they will twist any story around to make it fit their mood.....my mom says i went spending money on tour, when she knows damn well, because i talked to her and she offered to send us money, that i didnt go on tour with ANYTHING....the money i had collected from midtown was spent on the first tour in NC....
my mother claims i have never even so much as given her a card on her birthday or christmas and how much that hurts and i almost gagged on my water....hell i brought in Bashiri on credit to sing to her this past bday....and im not going to go into detail on everything i've ever bought her because its not that serious, but there is absolutely NO truth in that.....there is NO truth in me turning my house into a whore/drug house.....my boyfriend was a drug dealer, yes, but it was NEVER around me....we didnt turn that house into anything....i mean....that particular lie, i dont even know where she got it from.....THATS the kind of stuff that i mean when i left the status comment on facebook saying when your family tells outright bold lies on you, etc...... thats the kind of stuff that makes me write them poems.....
not only why would you say that, but why would you want anyone to think that....my mother was a victim of domestic abuse, but her thoughts on me staying in an abusive relationship are, i'll send him some comminsary, or however that word is spelled, i dont use it.... im going to stop there....but my point of saying that is to show you an example of whats happening.....after reading her comments, if someone feels different about me, then thats cool, but it doesnt mean i havent grown....i have never been afraid of taking my punishment like a woman.....i let my gas get cut off, so i have been braving this cold at home.....not because im looking for sympathy....because i got myself into it and its up to me to figure it out....and i usually do....my mother knows how hard i've looked for a job...but then again, thats a lie...no she doesnt....i dont tell her.....she does know how much i have worked since i've been next door to her...i've had three jobs...when i moved over here, i'd just lost the steady i'd had for the past year....so i tried to take it as a sign in late summer and go hard on poetry....now i'm back looking for a job...its not that easy to get one right now....or maybe its me...but its not from lack of trying....
the same with anything else.....i given a lump sum of money recently to help me get my gas cut on.....i did not ask for it, i did not expect it....i really didnt want it....but i also didnt know what else to do...i wasnt really in the kind of position to turn it down...i felt like it was sign that things were headed upwards again.....and now the gas is on....the furnace is another story, but the gas is on....to those who did that, to those who donated for the tour, PLEASE dont ever think i expect money out of you....i dont...i dont make messes and wait for others to clean them...i sit in the mess until i figure it out....i am messy.....i toss clothes around and maybe will leave a cup out for longer than it should be....sometimes dog toys are everywhere and the carpet needs cleaning....she goes on to tell how she bought both of my computers and i'm using her wireless.....wtf....my desktop was a christmas gift and my laptop was stolen!!!!!! i didnt expect or ask for either of them, but i didnt have either so, i mean...damn...what am i supposed to do....as far as the wireless....please...its been two weeks, IF that long....i have never minded going to the library or the art museum...never....she wanted me to fix her wireless and see if i could get on it at home....now im using her ?? i know i seem to be explaining, but i just ...idk....im really self conscious and thats one of my personal secrets.....so im going to always think someone is thinking, nsay is blah blah blah...idk....its just not what she made it seem and idk...im just like damn...
but if you've ever been a consistent guest at my house, you know how it is when you come over.....and i'll be honest...i havent cleaned since i came back, but that may have something to do more with the temperature of the house than it does with me...my mother claims to have accepted me for who i am, but thats not true.....the most hurtful part of her email is when she said it was my "choice to tell her i was stripper right before she went in for surgery for breast cancer"..... thats hurtful because it proves to me that im right that she just wants to color me bad....i never told my mom....someone else did!!! when i went to visit her AFTER her surgery, she asked me if thats what i was doing....i didnt want to talk about it because of where we were....and to add insult to injury, when i found out my mom had breast cancer, she was going thru radiation....i was the LAST to know....imagine the wedge that drove in between us...then she says that as if i am just this mean spiteful person who has hate in my blood for her....wtf....im hurt, but this aint nothing that will hold me down....
thanks for reading
im done
this will make me stronger
stronger
stronger
and if my pen should run out of ink, let it be said that i really do love my mom and my family....but when ur back's against the wall, who can blame you for coming out swinging.?
12.10.2009
from her to me....just so i can always remember.
And the Saga continues, I asked you not to keep speading lies about me, I seen all the memo's in your life from age 12 thats why I tried to get you some help, I love you dearly but enough is enough, it was your choice to run away and tell me on a day I was going to surgery fighting for my life you were a pole dancer, it was your choice to allow ... See Moresome one to stick a gun to your head, you had a home freaking leave,you have never talked to me and you know if you had of told me then I would of done something, like helping him to get a permanant stay at crown hill, you have had the best of every thing, a house on Kessler blvd that you destroyed made a hoe house out of with Devon selling drugs to, I have paid your rent in every place you have lived and my so called man did not get me put out for smoking weed as well as not paying rent., you live next door in a house, I bought for your ass. I pay the damn morgage on, taxes and insurance and was paying the utilities, but you can go on tour and spend money, knowing your old ladies got your damn back, poetry may be something you like and I like your poetry, you are good, but get a freaking job pay your way and get off my back, you are the same person that won't come and help no one in your family. your great grandmother lives with me have you ever offered to comb her hair, bring her a sandwich with out some one asking you to. what have you ever done for any one in your family if you help any one they have to pay you and they help pay your way in life, you the same girl that has never given me a christmas present or birthday, that hurt to know some one you love don't think enough of you to even give you a freaking card, but I remember that you gave Gabby plenty on Christmas and Geno in my house you gave Queen a party on my anniversery where the hell is my card, as I said you are ungratful and every one owes you./I have bought all your cars, paid rent every where you lived, you got the nerve to talk shit about me on my damn internet on one of two computers I bought and you are changed,I provide you with a roof over your head right now, but that is not good enough for you. you have those fake ass friends who won't tell you that you need a job, and clean your freakin house up they want to look at me like I done something to you, AND YOU HELP THEM BUT WHERE IN YOUR STORY HAS ANY OF THOSE SO CALLED FRIENDS HELPED YOU. your imagination is really good, girl you need to be on TV. they should be real and tell you to get a job you been in that house 1 yr and nine months, and you have not had a job in that time either, so WHO NEEDS TO GET THE DAMN MEMO, and on top of that do you have the $300 bucks to fix your furnance, no but you got lip and guess who got to pay for that and another thing you get this memo when you can step into the shoes of a changed woman and pay your way in life, and every one needs some help, but I can't pay for your whole self of being and I should not have too, I have paid my way all my adult life and you were never with out any thing, at least take your ass back to school and complete some of the many things you started. I will never see you hungry or in the streets but it is time you took responsibilty for your self, learn to cut grass. shovel. snow or get a man who will do those thing instead of??????? , now leave this facebook shit alone, I could say so much more but it is not a big deal, but you will not lie on me, and if you got a problem come next door and talk to me,one sided conversation is bull, any of you who comment on the things said between my child and me if it is not positive keep your fucking comment to your damn self. do you hear me TONI BROWN and whom ever else.nice poem even that it is based on lies, spend your time speaking of the women who raised your ass, and learn to speak kindly, no one has ever done any thing but love and except you for who you are, and you feel what you feel cause you are not doing what you should. don't blame it on any one but your self. this family has always stood behind you, and families talk.so do something to stop the talk. pay your own way in life and stop thinking you are entitled to some one else's money.Johnson
on more thing if you was right you would have went and got your gas stove hose and had Bob hook that up you would at least had some heat, but If I don't pay someone you freezing and I bet you don't even have the tac in your poetic blood to thank him. you say the right things in your poetry but we are your family and backbone amd this life is not a ... See Morejoke, have you ever said thanks .but it is a sure thing that you will paste some bullshit on this wall. I think as your mom if you want to continue to make up shit about me, it's gonnas be time for you to hit the streets and then maybe we can get on track. it is almost 5am in the morning It hurts that you continue to lie on me, but the bad part is your friends see that you anin't paying shit no where and they give me grief, I have always treated them all as my kids.love them too. then you got some folk. got the nerve to paste some words, they did not know your mom is on your wall too.Don't write nothing else. last time telloing you you make you focal point some where else or I can go in to details since this is the gossip show. I love you and you need to get some help if you think I am the cxause of your problems. I am not you are. have a goos morning
but I must add if you continue to post your truths that you call them I will call my wireless carrier and have it turned off. I have over 500 real friends whom I visit, and they see this crap it is not happening, you won't use my wireless to express you fabicated thoughts and make me the person whochose your wrong decisions in life. i WILL EXPRESS AGAIN i LOVE YOU, i DO NOT LIKE YOU AND YOUR WAYS. YOU CAME FROM MY ASS, you were the smartest baby God put on the face of the earth, potty trained and walkind 9 months old knew evert nursery ryme and could recite them, in the at program skipped from kindergarden to 2nd grade, you have been a great sourse of comfort to me, but where is my baby. K. if you don't plan on being in a family for better or worse, your Grandmother was burnt in a fire, she has not even seen you, your grandmother what is your problem, you got a lying poem about her too what she do to you that make you don't want to help her either, did you think I was gonna let you keep talking about my family, where are you on family level. but you know all you people who are her friends she hates her whole family I as her Mom and on the internet fight back do you think after her grandmother was burned she has went to see if she could help her, if she did so did you and you folk don't even know her grandmother. Friends how many us have them, bye if I think of some more crap I will be back.
on more thing if you was right you would have went and got your gas stove hose and had Bob hook that up you would at least had some heat, but If I don't pay someone you freezing and I bet you don't even have the tac in your poetic blood to thank him. you say the right things in your poetry but we are your family and backbone amd this life is not a ... See Morejoke, have you ever said thanks .but it is a sure thing that you will paste some bullshit on this wall. I think as your mom if you want to continue to make up shit about me, it's gonnas be time for you to hit the streets and then maybe we can get on track. it is almost 5am in the morning It hurts that you continue to lie on me, but the bad part is your friends see that you anin't paying shit no where and they give me grief, I have always treated them all as my kids.love them too. then you got some folk. got the nerve to paste some words, they did not know your mom is on your wall too.Don't write nothing else. last time telloing you you make you focal point some where else or I can go in to details since this is the gossip show. I love you and you need to get some help if you think I am the cxause of your problems. I am not you are. have a goos morning
but I must add if you continue to post your truths that you call them I will call my wireless carrier and have it turned off. I have over 500 real friends whom I visit, and they see this crap it is not happening, you won't use my wireless to express you fabicated thoughts and make me the person whochose your wrong decisions in life. i WILL EXPRESS AGAIN i LOVE YOU, i DO NOT LIKE YOU AND YOUR WAYS. YOU CAME FROM MY ASS, you were the smartest baby God put on the face of the earth, potty trained and walkind 9 months old knew evert nursery ryme and could recite them, in the at program skipped from kindergarden to 2nd grade, you have been a great sourse of comfort to me, but where is my baby. K. if you don't plan on being in a family for better or worse, your Grandmother was burnt in a fire, she has not even seen you, your grandmother what is your problem, you got a lying poem about her too what she do to you that make you don't want to help her either, did you think I was gonna let you keep talking about my family, where are you on family level. but you know all you people who are her friends she hates her whole family I as her Mom and on the internet fight back do you think after her grandmother was burned she has went to see if she could help her, if she did so did you and you folk don't even know her grandmother. Friends how many us have them, bye if I think of some more crap I will be back.
12.02.2009
Epiphany
so i'm trying hard to get this Violet Project Poem in my head....wrote it sometime last week....its called....
wow
thats interesting...it has no title.....i think i'll call it Epiphany....yeah....
thats dope
so....its really nice....or so i think.....well actually.....at this point, i've listened to it in my head so much that its not that attractive to me anymore, but i was told by at least one person that if i didnt do it at the Violet Project, she would be ready to fight me.....sooooooo.....
and we're good friends....lol
so i dont want to go thru that kinda thing....i'd rather just do it.....can't read it by any means though...i HAVE to know this poem by heart...no choice.....and i got a good memorizing "catchy phrase" from Daynomi.....something someone told her.....she said, don't practice it until you know it, practice until you can't get it wrong....or somethig very similar to that....
so thats what im over here aiming for tonight.....operation K.I.M.....and its really dope.....well...its draining....this is probably one of the most personal poems i've ever shared....i've written personal a thousand times....but sharing them is another....
like this is down to the core personal.....
sometimes i guess i forget i was a victim at some point of domestic abuse and emotional abuse....and even now
....when i think about it...i wonder if i am overreacting by feeling that way...i wonder if i am making it more than what it was, but i have always taken my share of responsibility in contributing to the violence....i was very violent....i had lost control....but i had lost me....things were just happening.....and once they started, i couldnt stop them.....but it always ended up going to far......and sometimes, i didnt cause it.....it really wasnt my fault.....i remember us getting into a fist fight one night after i came home from the club.....he was there, in bed....a.place very foreign to him.....it must have been two or three when i got in....not really expecting him, but not tripping on him being there......we ended up arguing, not because i went out, but because i let the girl i went out with, come in to use the bathroom.....
and some how that escalated to us fighting.....i can't even count all the times i thought he was going to kill me...like seriously, kill me....bye bye kendria type of kill me.....live no more type of kill me.....thank God i'm here....type of kill me.....
we were seriously poison to each other.....plain and simple.....and he's forever embedded in my head....im starting my poem off with a journal entry from that particular relationship....its an actual entry, nothing i concocted for the VP...like the poem....but even the poem.....the poem is every bit us.....
every bit.....
i wrote it from that period of my life....i am going to perform it as that girl.....which is where the journal entry came from because it will help place me where i need to be.....i want the emotion of a battered woman to be felt throughout the room that night....because i had no one to lean on....no one knew....no on had a clue....poetry gets all the credit with God for pulling me back to life....thats what im so attached to poetry....
THATS why stuff means so much to me and im so hard on everything and i take it so personal....because i have always felt like i owed "poetry" something ....i owed her something, my life on a stake, because she saved me and i dont go around saying that for kicks....
or cliches....
the journal entry i will be reading is during the year i started performing....i lived for sunday nights at the Cozy because those were the nights i got to become someone else....i had my voice back, my big girl shoes on and people kinda liked it.....and they listened....and there was no yelling.....but i'd spend the next six days in turmoil.....switching between fistfights, tears and fear.....
and writing
.....i say all that to say....i lost my footing yesterday....
and the day before
the featured artist thing really was and still is a big hard blow....
and it sent me there.....and im not sorry...its how i was feeling.....sometimes you, or at least I, get all the way beneath the mud before i start to climb out.....
...but i had a big blessing come to my door yesterday....a big big blessing....and all i know is the person that delivered it, but those that helped make it possible, i am unaware of......i hope they read my blog....because that became the gleam of light again......it was dark as shit in this house!!!!
and then that light came on......it gave me a push....that very push i always try to give others....and then today i got another nudge....
it has to be forward....
so im going to practice my poem.
send out my congratulations
and do me
the best and only way i know how
nsay
wow
thats interesting...it has no title.....i think i'll call it Epiphany....yeah....
thats dope
so....its really nice....or so i think.....well actually.....at this point, i've listened to it in my head so much that its not that attractive to me anymore, but i was told by at least one person that if i didnt do it at the Violet Project, she would be ready to fight me.....sooooooo.....
and we're good friends....lol
so i dont want to go thru that kinda thing....i'd rather just do it.....can't read it by any means though...i HAVE to know this poem by heart...no choice.....and i got a good memorizing "catchy phrase" from Daynomi.....something someone told her.....she said, don't practice it until you know it, practice until you can't get it wrong....or somethig very similar to that....
so thats what im over here aiming for tonight.....operation K.I.M.....and its really dope.....well...its draining....this is probably one of the most personal poems i've ever shared....i've written personal a thousand times....but sharing them is another....
like this is down to the core personal.....
sometimes i guess i forget i was a victim at some point of domestic abuse and emotional abuse....and even now
....when i think about it...i wonder if i am overreacting by feeling that way...i wonder if i am making it more than what it was, but i have always taken my share of responsibility in contributing to the violence....i was very violent....i had lost control....but i had lost me....things were just happening.....and once they started, i couldnt stop them.....but it always ended up going to far......and sometimes, i didnt cause it.....it really wasnt my fault.....i remember us getting into a fist fight one night after i came home from the club.....he was there, in bed....a.place very foreign to him.....it must have been two or three when i got in....not really expecting him, but not tripping on him being there......we ended up arguing, not because i went out, but because i let the girl i went out with, come in to use the bathroom.....
and some how that escalated to us fighting.....i can't even count all the times i thought he was going to kill me...like seriously, kill me....bye bye kendria type of kill me.....live no more type of kill me.....thank God i'm here....type of kill me.....
we were seriously poison to each other.....plain and simple.....and he's forever embedded in my head....im starting my poem off with a journal entry from that particular relationship....its an actual entry, nothing i concocted for the VP...like the poem....but even the poem.....the poem is every bit us.....
every bit.....
i wrote it from that period of my life....i am going to perform it as that girl.....which is where the journal entry came from because it will help place me where i need to be.....i want the emotion of a battered woman to be felt throughout the room that night....because i had no one to lean on....no one knew....no on had a clue....poetry gets all the credit with God for pulling me back to life....thats what im so attached to poetry....
THATS why stuff means so much to me and im so hard on everything and i take it so personal....because i have always felt like i owed "poetry" something ....i owed her something, my life on a stake, because she saved me and i dont go around saying that for kicks....
or cliches....
the journal entry i will be reading is during the year i started performing....i lived for sunday nights at the Cozy because those were the nights i got to become someone else....i had my voice back, my big girl shoes on and people kinda liked it.....and they listened....and there was no yelling.....but i'd spend the next six days in turmoil.....switching between fistfights, tears and fear.....
and writing
.....i say all that to say....i lost my footing yesterday....
and the day before
the featured artist thing really was and still is a big hard blow....
and it sent me there.....and im not sorry...its how i was feeling.....sometimes you, or at least I, get all the way beneath the mud before i start to climb out.....
...but i had a big blessing come to my door yesterday....a big big blessing....and all i know is the person that delivered it, but those that helped make it possible, i am unaware of......i hope they read my blog....because that became the gleam of light again......it was dark as shit in this house!!!!
and then that light came on......it gave me a push....that very push i always try to give others....and then today i got another nudge....
it has to be forward....
so im going to practice my poem.
send out my congratulations
and do me
the best and only way i know how
nsay
12.01.2009
Raw Emotion PT II
and so i woke up with the intentions of not getting on Facebook.....went against my judgement and surprise!!! Allen's status was that Fighting Words got accepted into the Arts Council Featured Artists for 2010....the same one i was upset about not getting into last night.....the same group or label or whatever that i used to be a part of ......
i dont regret my decision.....
i just dont understand my life.
is it because i want to do more than just indy....is it because this really isnt my calling or my purpose.....today i have really decided to, if nothing else, postpone my full time artist desires....i am going to spend the rest of this time concentrating on getting some kind of job.....not that anyone is trying to hire me anyway, but ....thats what i've decided....i've decided not to be a part of this poetry world anymore....
i feel like i am trying but to no avail...i have no way or means of doing any of the millions of things that are in my heart.....and even as the tears make the great escape from my eyes, i just am too damn tired right now of disappointment.....i just really dont have anything left in me to keep going...i need to break for a while and regroup.....
get whatever else is my life is screwed up together and then maybe i can get back to working on this dream....im not really giving it up....im just letting it go for awhile.....i wanted that so bad.....so fucking bad.....and dont get me wrong...im happy for all of FW to have become a part of it.....but does that mean i'm not supposed to feel disappointed cause im not in it....
hell no....
im hurt....
plain and simple....and i dont know what it is about me, but i just can't get no where for falling back a step or two....
ive thought about doing this so many times....but i kept pushing cause i felt the push would reward me in the future....i have talked other people out of making this same decision or at least tried to push for them to keep pushing....and in the end....i have no more rope to hold on to....like i said...its just too much going on in my life in general that i can't even begin to make this work anymore....im at the end and today, i dont feel like going on anymore....with poetry....
so while i will continue to write, i have decided in this moment that i am meant for nothing more than a local open mic or two.....in my free time.....so there....now all the doubters can rejoice...i gave up, like always and to be honest....i dont give a damn.
i'm contemplating deleting the facebook page seriously...but i really like facebook for the games more than anything.....maybe its cause thats what my life does so often....play fucking games.....wow....i just can't believe this...i hope i can change my mind from this, but im just pooped.....
the weed doesnt keep the air cloudy long enough and im not a heavy drinker....
im about to send sleepy p a message and cancel my january feature....
not even applying for fringe....
its whatever.....
im done with this shit....
i dont regret my decision.....
i just dont understand my life.
is it because i want to do more than just indy....is it because this really isnt my calling or my purpose.....today i have really decided to, if nothing else, postpone my full time artist desires....i am going to spend the rest of this time concentrating on getting some kind of job.....not that anyone is trying to hire me anyway, but ....thats what i've decided....i've decided not to be a part of this poetry world anymore....
i feel like i am trying but to no avail...i have no way or means of doing any of the millions of things that are in my heart.....and even as the tears make the great escape from my eyes, i just am too damn tired right now of disappointment.....i just really dont have anything left in me to keep going...i need to break for a while and regroup.....
get whatever else is my life is screwed up together and then maybe i can get back to working on this dream....im not really giving it up....im just letting it go for awhile.....i wanted that so bad.....so fucking bad.....and dont get me wrong...im happy for all of FW to have become a part of it.....but does that mean i'm not supposed to feel disappointed cause im not in it....
hell no....
im hurt....
plain and simple....and i dont know what it is about me, but i just can't get no where for falling back a step or two....
ive thought about doing this so many times....but i kept pushing cause i felt the push would reward me in the future....i have talked other people out of making this same decision or at least tried to push for them to keep pushing....and in the end....i have no more rope to hold on to....like i said...its just too much going on in my life in general that i can't even begin to make this work anymore....im at the end and today, i dont feel like going on anymore....with poetry....
so while i will continue to write, i have decided in this moment that i am meant for nothing more than a local open mic or two.....in my free time.....so there....now all the doubters can rejoice...i gave up, like always and to be honest....i dont give a damn.
i'm contemplating deleting the facebook page seriously...but i really like facebook for the games more than anything.....maybe its cause thats what my life does so often....play fucking games.....wow....i just can't believe this...i hope i can change my mind from this, but im just pooped.....
the weed doesnt keep the air cloudy long enough and im not a heavy drinker....
im about to send sleepy p a message and cancel my january feature....
not even applying for fringe....
its whatever.....
im done with this shit....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)