12.01.2009

Raw Emotion PT II

and so i woke up with the intentions of not getting on Facebook.....went against my judgement and surprise!!! Allen's status was that Fighting Words got accepted into the Arts Council Featured Artists for 2010....the same one i was upset about not getting into last night.....the same group or label or whatever that i used to be a part of ......

i dont regret my decision.....
i just dont understand my life.

is it because i want to do more than just indy....is it because this really isnt my calling or my purpose.....today i have really decided to, if nothing else, postpone my full time artist desires....i am going to spend the rest of this time concentrating on getting some kind of job.....not that anyone is trying to hire me anyway, but ....thats what i've decided....i've decided not to be a part of this poetry world anymore....

i feel like i am trying but to no avail...i have no way or means of doing any of the millions of things that are in my heart.....and even as the tears make the great escape from my eyes, i just am too damn tired right now of disappointment.....i just really dont have anything left in me to keep going...i need to break for a while and regroup.....

get whatever else is my life is screwed up together and then maybe i can get back to working on this dream....im not really giving it up....im just letting it go for awhile.....i wanted that so bad.....so fucking bad.....and dont get me wrong...im happy for all of FW to have become a part of it.....but does that mean i'm not supposed to feel disappointed cause im not in it....
hell no....
im hurt....
plain and simple....and i dont know what it is about me, but i just can't get no where for falling back a step or two....

ive thought about doing this so many times....but i kept pushing cause i felt the push would reward me in the future....i have talked other people out of making this same decision or at least tried to push for them to keep pushing....and in the end....i have no more rope to hold on to....like i said...its just too much going on in my life in general that i can't even begin to make this work anymore....im at the end and today, i dont feel like going on anymore....with poetry....

so while i will continue to write, i have decided in this moment that i am meant for nothing more than a local open mic or two.....in my free time.....so there....now all the doubters can rejoice...i gave up, like always and to be honest....i dont give a damn.

i'm contemplating deleting the facebook page seriously...but i really like facebook for the games more than anything.....maybe its cause thats what my life does so often....play fucking games.....wow....i just can't believe this...i hope i can change my mind from this, but im just pooped.....
the weed doesnt keep the air cloudy long enough and im not a heavy drinker....
im about to send sleepy p a message and cancel my january feature....
not even applying for fringe....
its whatever.....
im done with this shit....

1 comment:

  1. I believe in you luv... I believe that you are one of the most beautiful Beings I've ever met both inside and out.. As God as my cosigner. I believe you deserve everything you desire and so much more.. I believe that you should never have to experience what your going through because your too precious for that luv. I know struggles makes people stronger but it gets to a point where enough.. Well is just too much!! But I know by the time I've said all I could say..it's just words. And I know there's really no one or nothing that can pull you out of this funk.. But yourself...and I believe that you will in do time.. and I believe that you will come out of this funk fighting like a mofo champ luv.. I do! I believe in you regardless of your decisions because I believe that your doing what's best for you... I believe in you... but most importantly just don't stop believing in yourself luv.

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