so its been said *by me* that im an emotional poet.....i write from my emotions...i dont talk much about political issues because the truth is...i dont get into much....i catch nuggets and i learn alot thru other ppl's poems, but i wont write about something that is not in my heart to write about or if i dont know what the hell i'm talking about....
so i just do me....my emotions and feelings.....and somehow i've still managed to get on a couple of ppl's favorite list and have also gained some fans in the process.....
i say this because, i FEEL like i live in a society where emotions and feelings get scooted under the rug and dismissed as childish....high school....who gives a damn about being hurt in 2010....sometimes i feel like its only me....and u know what...
thats cool....im tired of being patronized by ppl who tell me they love me, but have no concern for how they make me feel....usually this comes from men, but i have experienced it with a few females....i'm tired of being told, NO nsay...ur not supposed to talk about how you feel...just roll with the punches, because just because you feel that, doesnt mean i understand it, therefore, i dont want to hear it"....and to them i say Eff you....
plain and simple....today...i woke up FEELING good.....
yesterday, i left ball state FEELING ready to get out of Indy...not cause of anything that happened, just FEELING that itch more and more....
right now im FEELING like i dont give a damn about some stuff.....some stuff i do FEEL like i care about....weed makes me FEEL high....writing makes me FEEL amazing....
bullshit makes me FEEL shitty, patronizing makes me FEEL pissed.....sex FEELS good (with the right one) and death makes me FEEL hurt....
i often FEEL bad for how i FEEL and dont tell my inner most thoughts for fear that because it wont always be understood, it wont be respected.....today, i FEEL that at its highest peak....ppl dont give a damn if about your FEELINGS if they can't understand them....they dont FEEL its necessary to be bothered with ur feeelings....
i say all this....because at 31, i know the X & Y axis of my feelings and where they fall on my sleeves.....i dont apologize for FEELING....and honestly, i dont care if someone else doesnt understand it.....
sometimes u have to agree to disagree and move on with your life....which is exactly what im doing....im leaving all the past there...for good....i have officially had it with ass kissing and the ever so boring "pretending"....i dont have to pretend not to have FEELINGS ....i dont have to pretend not to FEEL hurt when i'm hurt, angry when i'm angry or joyful when i am....i have good days, bad ones and hump days that dont fall on wednesdays.....i am human, i am woman, i am an emotional unstable creature.....i love myself....i respect myself and try harder everyday to do a better job of both, than i did the day before....i am one of the easiest ppl to get along with and one of the nicest ppl to meet....of course thats a biased personal opinion, but i have never really had trouble on MY end of friendship....ahhh friendship....still in high school nsay???
thats how i feel like ppl look at me these days cause i have FEELINGS.....do i look i give a shit...damn...u cant see my face right now....well i dont .....i will always feel.....when my dad got released from jail, i FELT happy .....should i apologize...i performed today at a junior high for all boys and got a standing O from some of them....young and male and they stood up for me and my two little poems...i FELT stupendous...not cause of my ego, although it was FEELINGS great....but because i felt like i got thru to them with what i was saying and it showed me that, given the opportunity again, i could get thru even more.....what a wonderful FEELING.....
how easy emotions are counted off and dismissed is amazing and i havent found the poem to describe how i FEEL when those i love make me FEEL like my FEELINGS dont matter....in due time i guess....
but for now....
i offer this....
if i apologize for FEELING
i'm telling you know, i'm not being honest.....
cause im not sorry
dont want forgiveness.....
im in the trenches...
the gutter
im in the sky
flying
im on the plane thats crashing
im in the sea, swimming
i'm the picture, hung up and frozen to the wall.....
i am but a ball of emotions.....
from happy to sad from pissed to amazed, i am what i am
and everything about me is imperfect, just the way i like it....
my theme some is Krazy and tupac keeps me high
cause he feels my pain
they say rappers are supposed to be gangsta's
so they shot him for not holding his end of the bargain too well.....
well....
just like Kennedy....martin and malcom
put an X next to my name and bury me crying
like a injured soldier, life sometimes hurts
and i feel the pain
feel the windgust moving closer to the heaven skies,
i am a soaring bird, dropping her children
catch flight
find life
find love
remember
love is a feeling
so if its not wrong
whats so bad about the rest
forgive me please
for i am but a woman of the day and a sleeper of the night
can't find the pen i write with
or the glass i like to drink with
but i can always find my sleeves
invisible and rolled to my wrists
covering the ash not attacked with lotion
forgive me please
for never wanting to apologize....
and never planning to be sorry
for being in touch
with my emotions.
4.18.2010
Gumbo Poet.
i'm halfway done with my cd and i must say i couldnt be more excited, proud and happy of what i have accomplished so far, and what i know is to come when i go back to finish it.....i can't believe that this day is finally setting sail to be here...it seems like such a long awaited event....and maybe i'm the only person that was awaiting this day, but i'm telling you.....what i feel now, can't be compared to anything short of the excitement u feel when you are baking toll house cookies and you got some ice cold fresh milk, and you go to the oven to check on them and they are almost done, but they need about five more minutes....
that feeling...the feeling of wanting to just break off a still semi raw piece and eat it, just to satisfy your thirst, even if only for a hot second....THAT feeling...is what i feel now....and i love it.....
if i had to describe what i think about this cd...how i classify it...or who'd i compare myself to, i'd say no one....its a mix of neosoul, rock and r&b, with a splash of hiphop and 100% me....it embodies who i am....i've been thinking over the last few days, what kind of poet at i....i went and saw Jessica Care Moore at the Historical Society and she was very moving to the crowd and powerful, all while being simply dressed in a black dress, some black heels and a cute spring of feathers from her hair....her bling was beautiful, but still minimal....she wasnt jeweled up with bracelets and gloves.....she wasnt jumping around or getting hype with her poems....she wasnt running out of breath and seemed to time her swallows perfectly.....she was great....at doing her....for a second...a split one....i wondered if i do too much....i wear all that, that she doesnt....and i'm still here....in indy....making the rounds in circle city....i do run out of breath sometimes and occasionally, you'll hear me stop my poem for a spit swallow.....
am i political.....do i talk about war or healthcare....do i discuss enough of politics....do i teach people or bring people to light on anything.....
am i in love all the time....am i angry.....pissed off at men and women....do i hate my father every other poem and love to have sex in the rest....who the hell is nsay.....why dont i use my name and is it possible for my "name" to stop me from getting in certain places....these are all a collection of things i have thought about ....
and for it...my only answer is ....i am me....i discuss me in 95% of my poems....and in the other 5% where i discuss things i havent necessarily experienced, i still incorporate my life in it in some way....do i wear too much jewelry, dress to sexy or go too far with my look....nope. i am rockstar poet and have been since i got here....i always knew it, ya'll didnt....lol....
i dress my way, in my own style...i like a little bit of everything and as i grow older, my style changes and things that used to be the shit to me, arent....i love heels and will wear them until i cannot anymore and i love dresses, jeans, shorts, skirts, short skirts, shirts, tshirts, ...grunge, gruff, rock, hiphop, etc....i am all things style....but my own....i do things the way i want to....
am i political....nope...not really...i have a section of poems i call the "not so political political poems"....i am angry and happy, mad and hurt....pissed and horny.....i am everything...i am not just one feeling regurgitated over and over in different wording.....i am in and out of love, i see the middle of things more often than, i understand both sides and agree to speak for all.....i
am
a gumbo poet.....
can be made with or without chicken, shrimp or adouille sausage, but best when eaten with the element of surprise..i use my life to relate to others....i dont do a lot of preaching but somehow i managed to find a few people who consider themselves fans of mine...i've even been called someone or two's "favorite poet"...and dare i never forget the little girl that cried when she met me, after listening to brownstone in brooklyn *of course*....so it seems i dont need to be any one of those other things....when i first started performing, one night a long time ago.....at the Cozy...Hypnotiq was hosting in place of Ill Holiday....when it came time for her to introduce me, she said something that has stuck with me every since....it is a statement that i grew to live by, write by and accept myself as.....
she said "this next poet coming to the stage, i never know what to expect from her"
thats me.
gumbo poet.
expect nothing but pureness...i am me....beautifully made and self accepted.....i am a style rock star....a poetic cross between rihanna, jill scott and Lauryn hill....am i comparing myself to them. YES. Am i as good as them. Yes. even if you dont agree. Its not about what you think. Its about what i think. And i am a gumbo poet.
complete with a new cd of growth and promise. Til Death Do Me Poetry, i promise to be an as good of me, as i can possibly be.
that feeling...the feeling of wanting to just break off a still semi raw piece and eat it, just to satisfy your thirst, even if only for a hot second....THAT feeling...is what i feel now....and i love it.....
if i had to describe what i think about this cd...how i classify it...or who'd i compare myself to, i'd say no one....its a mix of neosoul, rock and r&b, with a splash of hiphop and 100% me....it embodies who i am....i've been thinking over the last few days, what kind of poet at i....i went and saw Jessica Care Moore at the Historical Society and she was very moving to the crowd and powerful, all while being simply dressed in a black dress, some black heels and a cute spring of feathers from her hair....her bling was beautiful, but still minimal....she wasnt jeweled up with bracelets and gloves.....she wasnt jumping around or getting hype with her poems....she wasnt running out of breath and seemed to time her swallows perfectly.....she was great....at doing her....for a second...a split one....i wondered if i do too much....i wear all that, that she doesnt....and i'm still here....in indy....making the rounds in circle city....i do run out of breath sometimes and occasionally, you'll hear me stop my poem for a spit swallow.....
am i political.....do i talk about war or healthcare....do i discuss enough of politics....do i teach people or bring people to light on anything.....
am i in love all the time....am i angry.....pissed off at men and women....do i hate my father every other poem and love to have sex in the rest....who the hell is nsay.....why dont i use my name and is it possible for my "name" to stop me from getting in certain places....these are all a collection of things i have thought about ....
and for it...my only answer is ....i am me....i discuss me in 95% of my poems....and in the other 5% where i discuss things i havent necessarily experienced, i still incorporate my life in it in some way....do i wear too much jewelry, dress to sexy or go too far with my look....nope. i am rockstar poet and have been since i got here....i always knew it, ya'll didnt....lol....
i dress my way, in my own style...i like a little bit of everything and as i grow older, my style changes and things that used to be the shit to me, arent....i love heels and will wear them until i cannot anymore and i love dresses, jeans, shorts, skirts, short skirts, shirts, tshirts, ...grunge, gruff, rock, hiphop, etc....i am all things style....but my own....i do things the way i want to....
am i political....nope...not really...i have a section of poems i call the "not so political political poems"....i am angry and happy, mad and hurt....pissed and horny.....i am everything...i am not just one feeling regurgitated over and over in different wording.....i am in and out of love, i see the middle of things more often than, i understand both sides and agree to speak for all.....i
am
a gumbo poet.....
can be made with or without chicken, shrimp or adouille sausage, but best when eaten with the element of surprise..i use my life to relate to others....i dont do a lot of preaching but somehow i managed to find a few people who consider themselves fans of mine...i've even been called someone or two's "favorite poet"...and dare i never forget the little girl that cried when she met me, after listening to brownstone in brooklyn *of course*....so it seems i dont need to be any one of those other things....when i first started performing, one night a long time ago.....at the Cozy...Hypnotiq was hosting in place of Ill Holiday....when it came time for her to introduce me, she said something that has stuck with me every since....it is a statement that i grew to live by, write by and accept myself as.....
she said "this next poet coming to the stage, i never know what to expect from her"
thats me.
gumbo poet.
expect nothing but pureness...i am me....beautifully made and self accepted.....i am a style rock star....a poetic cross between rihanna, jill scott and Lauryn hill....am i comparing myself to them. YES. Am i as good as them. Yes. even if you dont agree. Its not about what you think. Its about what i think. And i am a gumbo poet.
complete with a new cd of growth and promise. Til Death Do Me Poetry, i promise to be an as good of me, as i can possibly be.
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