…..where to begin?????
I didn’t feel pretty when I walked out the door…I was wearing my hair in what I thought was a questionable afro style and although I was good with my outfit, I had actually planned on wearing something else but it was kinda cool out and my attitude was sorta lazy …..I had gone to fresh market and got a chicken dinner from them and didn’t feel like doing much of anything …..I was just in a drab mood…..not a biggie though….I knew my girl Ro had ‘paid’ for whatever it was we were going to already so I felt some sense of obligation to that which I hadn’t asked to be purchased o_O I felt some sorta way about that…..it was my attitude….I had been watching 90’s videos….shooting the day away on the couch…. while I was waiting for her, there was a text from ‘the sir…..
We started texting back and forth and then Ro came and we left…..I kept wanting to ask what the hell we were going to but for some reason I never did….I was under the impression that it was some Women’s Empowerment something that she was doing something at ….idk….whatever she told me is in our text thread, but my laziness wouldn’t allow me to scroll thru our texts to find out…..plus I was texting my ‘homie’ …. his last text to me as we parked was that he would like to see me….. AURGH…..!!! I could have screamed….of course you want to see me when I’m not available and have no idea how long I will be where ever it is I’m going …..I left my bottled water in the car because I didn’t want the people inside to get upset….we walked around the corner, I followed Ms Ro to this place of unknown-ness and tried typing my text and walking in my heels all at the same time…..my message to him read ‘I would like to see you too’ ……but me and my phone have a horrific text relationship…..I had to spell check and get the words in correct order…it took me from the time of exiting her van until we walked all the way around the corner to get that one line out……by then, she said we were there…..I stuffed my phone in my purse w/o hitting send and tried to brace myself for what I thought would be older women sitting in folding chairs with flowers in their hair o_O
I walked in and this massive group of people all screamed FUck It, Feel It at the same time !!! My first thought was “what just happened”??? lololol…..I have no idea what my face looked like but as the blur of the surprise began to clear and I saw all the faces I saw, I started feeling like I ‘ok, I’m sleep’ …..subtly, “New God Flow” was becoming clearer and clearer in my ears…..as the hugs began and I started to take in the fact that I wasn’t sleeping and NGF got louder and louder, the voice in my head said “these fuckas done surprised me and how they know to play that song ???” …..then “who’s playing that song “
I looked over and saw ‘the sir’
then it all hit home…..I've had the wool pulled over my eyes and all of this is for me …!!!!! ….the more I moved thru the crowd, the more faces I saw, the more people I couldn’t believe were there, the more my eyes teared up, the more, the more, the more…….
my emotions had no idea what to do….everyone was there….I mean, everyone….it was unbelievable…..as I made my way thru the room, I gave ‘the sir’ a high five for his great secret skills and wonderful head games w/the texting while I was on my way ……and a check mark went in his favor immediately…..lol… I probably walked over there with hearts for eyes o_O smh
idk how to possibly explain this whole night…..there was music, there was poetry, there were songs….omg, I had a guitar duo of Use Somebody performed, a poem written specifically for me, I had words and love shared, gifts of shoe charms and NY Pics….people who listen….pay attention ……and give love…..to sit there and see a room of all of these people….for me…..there is so much to say ……so many personal thanks, all the way down to the text messages from people who couldn’t make it ….I mean, how did this happen ??? Who would think to do this ….
I told them last night, I always put together my own birthday stuff because I’m always scared that if I don’t, it will be a day gone by not celebrated…..and I want it to be celebrated……so to have been surprised on the level of surprise this was…..I was so unsuspecting, I do not think I have EVER been surprised like that…..and the surprises just kept coming…..first there was all of them….then it was ‘the sir’…..then there was food…..then there was poetry….and presents….and speeches….did I say this already ???!!!!! Its unbelievable……it is….
I tell you…..Love is the one thing I write the most about…..I remember when my jump drive blanked out on me and erased all my poetry, I was most hurt because of some of the love poems I had lost…..love is just something I have a relationship with ….its not necessarily negative or positive…..its just a part of my life….Love is a necessity …..people who do not respect LOVE, I tend to understand less….Love is needed….at least for me…..and LOVE is associated with romantic relationships, but that’s not what its always about…. I was just tweeting this the other day…..love is something I pray to walk in…..to be in, to be covered in, to exude…..
to BE…..I want to be an example of Love…..I do things because of Love….I want to experience Love in its purest and rawest sense as much as possible, I want to react and treat people with love as much as possible….I wear love on my sleeve…and it gets me hurt a lot…..my feelings get fucked with and to tell the truth, I be ready to completely act a fool sometimes, but ….. I have a destiny with love…..I don’t know how to be nothing else…..shit. * shrug *
I experienced LOVE in such a raw, uncooked form….such a powerful light, such a ……I don’t know…I still don’t know… I mean…..
EVERYONE was there…..everyone……was there…….I have come across so many shitty ass people with faux personalities, that when I do stuff, I often wonder is my heart really being seen ??? Or am I getting lost in the shuffle of the matrix ?? I just be wanting to do stuff …..internally I feel like I’m shaking….like I’m full of adrenaline….I’ve been so hurt over this past year man…..*see prior blog* ……I can’t believe LOVE came together for me like that….and like I knew it, I got home and said “Dammit !!! I meant to address some of them individually!!!!” So ….here we go…
Theon – My little brother, I love you…..I’m happy to have met you and had you told me back when you called me and my life depressing that I would ever even like you, I’d have called you a liar !!! LOLOLOL Seriously, you are one of the dopest writers I know and I believe in you, pls believe in you like I do !
SWQs – I tear up as I write this (LOL ) …..HONORED to have met you……HONORED !!!!!! Its such a privilege to allow my heart to be at home with you…..may our circle never be broken but always be a guiding light !!! #ToTheMoon!
Tiffani – You are my quiet homie for real ! It was not by chance that you ended up at IMA that night and we met !!! Thank you for all you have supported me with, and I will see you next friday !!!LOL Love you dearly, you’re a great person!
Kia – I love you momma !!!! You ladies (neena #Saddle) had a vision that not only created something that will go down in history, but thru it we have been able to bond and enjoy a growing beautiful partnership and friendship !! You fucking rock, thank you for all your motivation especially when you have to deal with my 8000 word facebook inbox rants o_O LOLOL MUAH!
Pope – Dude. Have a seat. LOL ! Seriously, I saw you at the Sneaker Show a couple of years back and knew then that you were a beast…you are hands down one of my favorite MCs and I’m not gonna stick that “local’’ tab on you because you won’t be forever…that shit is a label ….*snatches ‘local’ labels off all of us* …..ok…I’m back….you are a BORN poet and a perfect addition and perspective in this community….in real life, I’m glad our paths have crossed as well !
ParaE – Dahling….you have been a beautiful bud to watch bloom, in real life…..I have seen you have your shell pushed to the stage and you open up just enough to let out the poem to you marching towards the stage and erupting then leaving like you know you just spit hot fiyah !!!! You fucking rock, and you are a beautiful young woman !!!!
Ro & E- I cannot believe we started this weird twisted sick ridiculous tweet friendly no commas friendship over the internet…..I still remember seeing Ro at the Fashion Show and thinking “wow, I would love to work with her” ….who knew you would be the one to gather all these people together to shower me with love in abundance …. I am so appreciative of our friendship…..its perfectly dysfunctional and befitting !!!!! Thank you. I mean that from the bottom of my heart….thank you. I can’t wait to stand up for you !!
Gabby & Tela – Tela – my favorite white black girl !!!! I love you….you have always been a pretty awesome gal !!! You are definitely a source of family ! And your Gabby rendition was AWESOME!!!!! You rock tenfold ! Gabby – * shrug * What to not say ? Sisters never stop being sisters….. I’ve really missed you. Your poem was beautiful and I don’t think anyone on this planet knows the real deal like you….here’s to us finding our forever’s like we always do !!! At the same damn time !!! LMAO!!!! I Love you!
DJ Diesel - Now….the odds are you aren’t reading this because …..well that’s just what I know. …. however, you’re on my list o’thank you’s so included you shall be o_O Lol …..thank you for rocking the hell out of DPoM for the last year ! And thank you for being there last night ….That was dope! Definitely glad to have met you….. And….nah, I’ll stop there.
Eddie – You sir, are a great guy ….you have a good heart and a beautiful relationship with the ink…..do NOT ever give up and when in doubt, please call me….I’m here….even if I don’t answer, just keep calling like I know you will !!! LOLOL I love you Ed and I appreciate you….you do have the world at your fingertips….you just gotta maneuver it differently….if I can help you, I will ! Love!
Robin – My love, you are a source of inspire to me and don’t even know it…..you do not know your power but I can see it….I remember when you wrote a poem about scary movies at Outspoken….you were a Light then and you are even brighter now…..Shine dahling….I’m always here to remind you to shine….you are beautiful inside and out and I’m glad to have been able to trade laughs with you!!!
Anitra – My dog…. you that friend that everybody needs. ….the one you can just hurl insults at and you both laugh about it and know its not serious, its just like that…lol…for no reason….I love you…..you have been a great source of push and belief in me and I appreciate you.
SWQs ….I know I already said it ….but I just had to say it again. Shit is so powerful. smh. Love.
I think that’s it….I cannot believe I have so many people that love me….I really cant…..I only hope that whatever I’ve done up to this point continues forever …..even after I’m long gone….thank you all so much for last night…it was right on time, it was warming of my heart , it was powerful…..it was necessary……thank you….thank you….thank you. May we all experience LOVE in its most simple yet powerful and complex form…..friendship.