Many of my friends rooted for him. People liked him. He was cute, he was a working man and he had a decent personality. My family liked him a lot of and several of my close friends always would say things like “I’m cheerleading for yaw” or something to that degree. I would take these statements in and think that there must have been something wrong with me as the reason why I felt like I deserved more. But the truth was that no one knew anything about the ins and outs of our relationship, so no one knew how much he failed me on the levels I NEEDED his success in. I NEEDED to feel desired. I needed to feel loved, if he loved me. I needed to feel like when he looked at me, bells and whistles went off in him internally because he felt like the luckiest man in the world. I needed to feel…..like a woman. Like a woman in that way that only a man can make us feel (or whatever your preference). And lets not tell a lie. It doesn’t matter the levels of confidence you have or how accomplished you are. Partners give us something. They make us feel something about ourselves that is gives us an additional reason to feel joyful. To smile. To feel like we are floating thru the universe with cute shoes on. Now, if I’m the only one that feels this way, that is fine. But this is not a testament of insecurity. It is me honestly saying that I am genuinely happy with the majority of my life but when it comes to that coveted “feeling of being desired”, I am falling short. I fell short in my relationship that I spent nearly ten growing years trying to out-win. After I left him, my problems with feeling lonely disappeared. Its amazing that you can be with someone and be so unhappy that you feel the loneliest you have ever felt before. Then to leave them and feel like the weight was lifted off your shoulders and the lonelies disappeared is amazing. But something remained with me. Something I couldn’t shake as easily.
At least i made it out alive.....with enough confidence to know that i deserve better. Do i wish there was someone? Yeah....i do....i am not lonely as much as i just want to kick it around with someone who makes me feel good....but eh...what can you do....if i am too awake, then let me allow the sleepers to keep dreaming or whatever....
in the meantime
i will just be on solo flight. One day, someone may come.....one day, maybe I will come o_O
But today and henceforth.....i am just gonna chill and stay busy living. Fuck the bullshit. Fuck the games. Fuck being Single in a Sleeping City and looking for two eyes that are wide open in my direction.
Fuck fuck fuck.
I cried my last tears for my ex. It took a lot ...it took the fighter in me to open up and come back to life in order to leave...i honestly started believing that all i deserved and was worth was the peanuts he gave me.....And as i sit here with the Tiffany Ring on my finger that i bought for myself, all i can do is remember that i do deserve better from people. Old and new. ....i just deserve to feel .....desired.
Even if its in a city that is known for Sleeping in.