Single in A Sleeping City

Single in a Sleeping City.

I used to have a blog many many years ago.  It was my introduction into the blogosphere world and I called it Single in a Sleeping City.  The blog is now destroyed.  When eblog changed up their formatting, one would have had to go back to their blogs and log in with the new updates or formats or risk the blog being deleted.  Well, apparently I didn’t get this memo until like a few weeks back when I was randomly looking to see if I could somehow discovered under the tumbleweeds of other old, unvisited blogs……yeah…its gone.  The blog was self explanatory.  It was about being a single woman in Indianapolis with an obvious take on Sex in the City.  I was 24/25 at the time.
Ten years later.
I am 34.  And once again Single in a Sleeping ass City.  On my drive to work this morning, I was thinking about the single life and how loathed it is.  And it made me think something.  The single life isn’t all that bad, sans the occasional loneliness that if one is anything like me, they can find ways to cure.  The part of the single life that sucks is when you begin dealing with other people.  I am a shy, Aquarius who doesn’t have trust issues and isn’t on the hunt for love, but would like to once again feel desired.  I spent 8 years in a relationship where the desire fizzled around year four.  Habit and fear kept me there four additional years.  I remember telling my girlfriends how sure I was that he would not be my husband. I can even remember rooms I was sitting in when I said that statement.  So the fact that I continued my journey with him for many more years is a testament of how much being single is frowned upon.  How dare I put myself thru 8 years of emotional torment that would ultimately end with him giving me the lowest of gifts for what should have been a very special day.  The gift was so God awful hurtful that it had the power to change how i viewed myself.  And it would have if i stayed for a second longer.  But i had to decide i was better than bullshit.  I was better than bare minimum.

Many of my friends rooted for him.  People liked him.  He was cute, he was a working man and he had a decent personality.  My family liked him a lot of and several of my close friends always would say things like “I’m cheerleading for yaw” or something to that degree.  I would take these statements in and think that there must have been something wrong with me as the reason why I felt like I deserved more.  But the truth was that no one knew anything about the ins and outs of our relationship, so no one knew how much he failed me on the levels I NEEDED his success in.  I NEEDED to feel desired.  I needed to feel loved, if he loved me.  I needed to feel like when he looked at me, bells and whistles went off in him internally because he felt like the luckiest man in the world.  I needed to feel…..like a woman.  Like a woman in that way that only a man can make us feel (or whatever your preference).  And lets not tell a lie.  It doesn’t matter the levels of confidence you have or how accomplished you are.  Partners give us something.  They make us feel something about ourselves that is gives us an additional reason to feel joyful.  To smile.  To feel like we are floating thru the universe with cute shoes on.  Now, if I’m the only one that feels this way, that is fine.  But this is not a testament of insecurity.  It is me honestly saying that I am genuinely happy with the majority of my life but when it comes to that coveted “feeling of being desired”, I am falling short. I fell short in my relationship that I spent nearly ten growing years trying to out-win.   After I left him, my problems with feeling lonely disappeared.  Its amazing that you can be with someone and be so unhappy that you feel the loneliest you have ever felt before.  Then to leave them and feel like the weight was lifted off your shoulders and the lonelies disappeared is amazing.  But something remained with me.  Something I couldn’t shake as easily.
The feeling of desire.
How does one capture the feeling of DESIRE in a sleeping city??  
Answer is: I don’t fucking know.
Part of me wonders if I am desirable.  Am I as beautiful to outside eyes as I think I am or have I gassed myself up and can’t see the forest for my reflection? Am I in denial ? I once wrote a poem about men always talking to my ass and not me.  The funny thing is now they don’t talk to my ass…..or me.  LOL.
I am ALWAYS  “the sister” they never had.
I am always the pseudo family member that I didn’t ask to be.  Most time, this is to men I am not attacted to in that way anyway, so I guess it works out, but damn……is having a date and a laugh with a decent male human being really this much of a problem ?  I tried dating last summer.  Stumbled upon a cutie who looked “good on paper” as they would say in Sex in the City.  This dude was dime piece.  Ha.  I didn’t get a chance to “like” him.  We hung out a few times at his place.  He lived downtown with a view of the city that had me drawn to his windows in a way that was a cross between feeling like a poem was being born and like I was sitting in the middle of NYC.  I felt away from home when I was there.  But it wasn’t him…..it was those windows.  It was the location and the need of me to be elsewhere.  Anyway,  we made plans several times.  He stood me up each and every time.  By the third time, I turned his ass over to the blacklist, as it is referred to on my app.  Also known as blocked.  Suddenly, he found some sort of attraction to me and wanted to stop popping in and out of my fucking phoneonce a week and start trying to contact me to make it right.  But it was over for me.  The ship left the dock and he was not on it.  
This year, I haven’t tried dating much but I did have a crush on someone that didn’t really go anywhere.  Its like, I am unseen.  IT doesn’t matter how pretty my poems are or how high my heels put me up in the air.  Niggas aint interested in this.  And I have to live with that.  But I tell you….today I am feeling the pains of lack of desire.
I don’t understand what it is about me.
Better yet….
I don’t understand what the fuck goes on in this sleeping ass city where people can’t be 100 with you on how they do or don’t feel.  Like if you are not interested, don’t fucking flatter me with pretend interest.  I am not going to crawl into a corner and kill myself because a dude I was digging was not digging me.  Trust me, I have been thru and survived worse than unrequited love/desire.   What I won’t do is pursue.  I should be pursued.
8 years of my life I spent not being pursued…..or chased….or desired.  How dare I put myself back out here and have to deal with new people acting like I am not in existence.  I am by far not the most beautiful woman in the world. I don’t have the best body and I do have flaws.  Probably a lot of them….but I also know I am full of amazing other qualities and I know that I am one of a kind.  Hell we all are, I am just willing to admit it.  If I’m in, I’m all in.  Or I’m out.

There is no shaky middle ground.
There is no sleeping for me......
I am NYC….wide eyed and ready to live.
But what I am right now….is single in a sleeping city. 
And there isn’t much I can do for that. …i. am the woman….i am to be chased, desired…pursued.  I am to be wanted.  And right now, the sharks aint biting.  So…….i’m going to just remove all my playing cards off the table……because I otherwise will just end up having my stupid little feelings hurt over a bupkiss that doesn’t much give a fuck.  And that cannot happen.  Those 8 years will not be in vain.  I will not spend another ounce of my time thinking, wishing or wanting anyone that doesn’t actively put ACTION behind the DESIRE for me that I will need them to have…..i also won't have my self esteem challenged because the dudes in my city are not interested in me.  My phone does not ring....my texts aren't littered with sweet nothings.....every one i have halfway been into over the last year, which is really only three people, have fallen along the wayside of "yeah i like you but um, im just not that into you".  I can take a hint and a clue.....and i am not going to play games with NO ONE. 
….so fuck it feel it.
This is a sleeping city.
And I’m in it.
And you know what.
I’m ok with that. 
I’m just not ok with being patronized as I am trying to live it out.  So enjoy to all my single people.  I am one less person this city needs to worry about.  I am no longer ‘on the market’.  I am taking myself out.  And my desire to be desired……..well….idk what to do about it except roll up a blunt and laugh now, cry later.  But at least I won’t be in my old relationship.
And at least I won’t take on a new lack of desire.
At least i made it out alive.....with enough confidence to know that i deserve better.  Do i wish there was someone? Yeah....i do....i am not lonely as much as i just want to kick it around with someone who makes me feel good....but eh...what can you do....if i am too awake, then let me allow the sleepers to keep dreaming or whatever....
in the meantime
i will just be on solo flight.  One day, someone may come.....one day, maybe I will come o_O
But today and henceforth.....i am just gonna chill and stay busy living.  Fuck the bullshit. Fuck the games. Fuck being Single in a Sleeping City and looking for two eyes that are wide open in my direction.
Fuck fuck fuck.

I cried my last tears for my ex.  It took a lot ...it took the fighter in me to open up and come back to life in order to leave...i honestly started believing that all  i deserved and was worth was the peanuts he gave me.....And as i sit here with the Tiffany Ring on my finger that i bought for myself, all i can do is remember that i do deserve better from people.  Old and new. ....i just deserve to feel .....desired.
Even if its in a city that is known for Sleeping in.

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