The Truth About Love. . .42713

Ok…..now that THAT is out of the way…..
…..where to begin?????
I didn’t feel pretty when I walked out the door…I was wearing my hair in what I thought was a questionable afro style and although I was good with my outfit, I had actually planned on wearing something else but it was kinda cool out and my attitude was sorta lazy …..I had gone to fresh market and got a chicken dinner from them and didn’t feel like doing much of anything …..I was just in a drab mood…..not a biggie though….I knew my girl Ro had ‘paid’ for whatever it was we were going to already so I felt some sense of obligation to that which I hadn’t asked to be purchased o_O I felt some sorta way about that…..it was my attitude….I had been watching 90’s videos….shooting the day away on the couch…. while I was waiting for her, there was a text from ‘the sir…..
We started texting back and forth and then Ro came and we left…..I kept wanting to ask what the hell we were going to but for some reason I never did….I was under the impression that it was some Women’s Empowerment something that she was doing something at ….idk….whatever she told me is in our text thread, but my laziness wouldn’t allow me to scroll thru our texts to find out…..plus I was  texting my ‘homie’ …. his last text to me as we parked was that he would like to see me….. AURGH…..!!! I could have screamed….of course you want to see me when I’m not available and have no idea how long I will be where ever it is I’m going …..I left my bottled water in the car because I didn’t want the people inside to get upset….we walked around the corner, I followed Ms Ro to this place of unknown-ness and tried typing my text and walking in my heels all at the same time…..my message to him read ‘I would like to see you too’ ……but me and my phone have a horrific  text relationship…..I had to spell check and get the words in correct order…it took me from the time of exiting her van until we walked all the way around the corner to get that one line out……by then, she said we were there…..I stuffed my phone in my purse w/o hitting send and tried to brace myself for what I thought would be older women sitting in folding chairs with flowers in their hair o_O
I walked in and this massive group of people all screamed FUck It, Feel It at the same time !!! My first thought was “what just happened”??? lololol…..I have no idea what my face looked like but as the blur of the surprise began to clear and I saw all the faces I saw, I started feeling like I ‘ok, I’m sleep’ …..subtly, “New God Flow” was becoming clearer and clearer in my ears…..as the hugs began and I started to take in the fact that I wasn’t sleeping and NGF got louder and louder, the voice in my head said “these fuckas done surprised me and how they know to play that song ???” …..then “who’s playing that song “ 
I looked over and saw ‘the sir’
then it all hit home…..I've had the wool pulled over my eyes and all of this is for me …!!!!! ….the more I moved thru the crowd, the more faces I saw, the more people I couldn’t believe were there, the more my eyes teared up, the more, the more, the more…….
my emotions had no idea what to do….everyone was there….I mean, everyone….it was unbelievable…..as I made my way thru the room, I gave ‘the sir’ a high five for his great secret skills and wonderful head games w/the texting while I was on my way ……and a check mark went in his favor immediately…..lol… I probably walked over there with hearts for eyes o_O  smh
moving along
idk how to possibly explain this whole night…..there was music, there was poetry, there were songs….omg, I had a guitar duo of Use Somebody performed, a poem written specifically for me, I had words and love shared, gifts of shoe charms and NY Pics….people who listen….pay attention ……and give love…..to sit there and see a room of all of these people….for me…..there is so much to say ……so many personal thanks, all the way down to the text messages from people who couldn’t make it ….I mean, how did this happen ??? Who would think to do this ….
I told them last night, I always put together my own birthday stuff because I’m always scared that if I don’t, it will be a day gone by not celebrated…..and I want it to be celebrated……so to have been surprised on the level of surprise this was…..I was so unsuspecting, I do not think I have EVER been surprised like that…..and the surprises just kept coming…..first there was all of them….then it was ‘the sir’…..then there was food…..then there was poetry….and presents….and speeches….did I say this already ???!!!!! Its unbelievable……it is….
I tell you…..Love is the one thing I write the most about…..I remember when my jump drive blanked out on me and erased all my poetry, I was most hurt because of some of the love poems I had lost…..love is just something I have a relationship with ….its not necessarily negative or positive…..its just a part of my life….Love is a necessity …..people who do not respect LOVE, I tend to understand less….Love is needed….at least for me…..and LOVE is associated with romantic relationships, but that’s not what its always about…. I was just tweeting this the other day…..love is something I pray to walk in…..to be in, to be covered in, to exude…..
to BE…..I want to be an example of Love…..I do things because of Love….I want to experience Love in its purest and rawest sense as much as possible, I want to react and treat people with love as much as possible….I wear love on my sleeve…and it gets me hurt a lot…..my feelings get fucked with and to tell the truth, I be ready to completely act a fool sometimes, but ….. I have a destiny with love…..I don’t know how to be nothing else…..shit. * shrug *
Last night…..smh
I experienced LOVE in such a raw, uncooked form….such a powerful light, such a ……I don’t know…I still don’t know… I mean…..
EVERYONE was there…..everyone……was there…….I have come across so many shitty ass people with faux personalities, that when I do stuff, I often wonder is my heart really being seen ??? Or am I getting lost in the shuffle of the matrix ?? I just be wanting to do stuff …..internally I feel like I’m shaking….like I’m full of adrenaline….I’ve been so hurt over this past year man…..*see prior blog* ……I can’t believe LOVE came together for me like that….and like I knew it, I got home and said “Dammit !!! I meant to address some of them individually!!!!”  So ….here we go…
Theon – My little brother, I love you…..I’m happy to have met you and had you told me back when you called me and my life depressing that I would ever even like you, I’d have called you a liar !!! LOLOLOL Seriously, you are one of the dopest writers I know and I believe in you, pls believe in you like I do !
SWQs – I tear up as I write this (LOL )  …..HONORED to have met you……HONORED !!!!!! Its such a privilege to allow my heart to be at home with you…..may our circle never be broken but always be a guiding light !!! #ToTheMoon!
Tiffani – You are my quiet homie for real ! It was not by chance that you ended up at IMA that night and we met !!! Thank you for all you have supported me with, and I will see you next friday !!!LOL Love you dearly, you’re a great person!
Kia – I love you momma !!!! You ladies (neena #Saddle) had a vision that not only created something that will go down in history, but thru it we have been able to bond and enjoy a growing beautiful partnership and friendship !! You fucking rock, thank you for all your motivation especially when you have to deal with my 8000 word facebook inbox rants o_O  LOLOL MUAH!
Pope – Dude.  Have a seat.  LOL ! Seriously, I saw you at the Sneaker Show a couple of years back and knew then that you were a beast…you are hands down one of my favorite MCs and I’m not gonna stick that “local’’ tab on you because you won’t be forever…that shit is a label ….*snatches ‘local’ labels off all of us* …..ok…I’m back….you are a BORN poet and a perfect addition and perspective in this community….in real life, I’m glad our paths have crossed as well !
ParaE – Dahling….you have been a beautiful bud to watch bloom, in real life…..I have seen you have your shell pushed to the stage and you open up just enough to let out the poem to you marching towards the stage and erupting then leaving like you know you just spit hot fiyah !!!! You fucking rock, and you are a beautiful young woman !!!!
Ro & E- I cannot believe we started this weird twisted sick ridiculous tweet friendly no commas friendship over the internet…..I still remember seeing Ro at the Fashion Show and thinking “wow, I would love to work with her” ….who knew you would be the one to gather all these people together to shower me with love in abundance …. I am so appreciative of our friendship…..its perfectly dysfunctional and befitting !!!!! Thank you. I mean that from the bottom of my heart….thank you.  I can’t wait to stand up for you !!
Gabby & Tela – Tela – my favorite white black girl !!!! I love you….you have always been a pretty awesome gal !!! You are definitely a source of family ! And your Gabby rendition was AWESOME!!!!! You rock tenfold ! Gabby – * shrug * What to not say ? Sisters never stop being sisters….. I’ve really missed you. Your poem was beautiful and I don’t think anyone on this planet knows the real deal like you….here’s to us finding our forever’s like we always do !!! At the same damn time !!! LMAO!!!!  I Love you!
DJ Diesel  - Now….the odds are you aren’t reading this because …..well that’s just what I know. …. however, you’re on my list o’thank you’s so included you shall be o_O Lol …..thank you for rocking the hell out of DPoM for the last year ! And thank you for being there last night ….That was dope! Definitely glad to have met you….. And….nah, I’ll stop there.
Eddie – You sir, are a great guy ….you have a good heart and a beautiful relationship with the ink…..do NOT ever give up and when in doubt, please call me….I’m here….even if I don’t answer, just keep calling like I know you will !!! LOLOL I love you Ed and I appreciate you….you do have the world at your fingertips….you just gotta maneuver it differently….if I can help you, I will ! Love!
Robin – My love, you are a source of inspire to me and don’t even know it…..you do not know your power but I can see it….I remember when you wrote a poem about scary movies at Outspoken….you were a Light then and you are even brighter now…..Shine dahling….I’m always here to remind you to shine….you are beautiful inside and out and I’m glad to have been able to trade laughs with you!!!
Anitra – My dog…. you that friend that everybody needs. ….the one you can just hurl insults at and you both laugh about it and know its not serious, its just like that…lol…for no reason….I love you…..you have been a great source of push and belief in me and I appreciate you.
SWQs ….I know I already said it ….but I just had to say it again.  Shit is so powerful. smh. Love.

I think that’s it….I cannot believe I have so many people that love me….I really cant…..I only hope that whatever I’ve done up to this point continues forever …..even after I’m long gone….thank you all so much for last night…it was right on time, it was warming of my heart , it was powerful…..it was necessary……thank you….thank you….thank you.   May we all experience LOVE in its most simple yet powerful and complex form…..friendship.

Flight of Love.

Over the course of the last ye

ar or so, I think I began to emerge from my chrysalis…..for the first time…..everything I had been up until the moment that cocoon started cracking down the middle is what made me who I am…….and all of that made me, is everything I question
struggle to get over and around….move beyond….
the hurt is so unbelievable to deal with on a daily basis ….perhaps because there is so much…a great portion of which is and will remain unresolved for the rest of my life, and the deeper I travel into the power of words and performance, the more these things randomly present themselves in my life and I see mourning occur….
about things that I thought were dead…..I struggle to move on past things that are presented in my face on a daily basis and this blog is proof of that …..we all know my living situation is crucial….I refer to it as the Matrix……being in “the van’’ with my grandmother and mother is called The Firing Squad….self explanatory….and my life is often a tale of The Twilight Zone…..my full length book will be called Spit Bubbles….it all goes together and makes sense in the nucleus ball that configures the ME of today…..I guess…..idk if that paragraph even makes sense, but that’s exactly what I was just thinking….as I wrote it……I say all this to say this last year has been FULL…..of everything from laughter to bullshit and having my face SMASHED in it ……
its been difficult and fun at the same time…..lonely and loud …..nothing like a little bit of loud loneliness when you are laying next to someone to make you feel like less of a woman…tape dispensers, space heaters, back stabbing and subtle jabs that only few can catch have been the meat and potatoes on my plate at times…..its funny……we don’t really take the time to taste when we hungry…..we just eat….
and as we get full….whatever we are eating starts to have more and more of a louder taste….either good or bad….I’ve tasted both….and this has been the year two letting go of things that need to be let go of…..and I’m such a novice at letting go, that after doing so, it takes me a long time to firmly believe in mind, body and spirit that I did that right thing…..because we let go of things because we believe we can do better….no matter what they are, even beyond romantic relationships, we let go of cars, jobs, friends, family, clothing, hair, the list can go on…….
….because we believe we can do (or already have done) better….and I’ve questioned my belief more than a few times, as my wings poured from the cocoon of growth….can I REALLY do better ? ?? Will someone LIKE me, fuck love, enough to show up at SOMETHING ??? Could I get better than a tape dispenser ??? Could I get greater love than that which would willingly spill my personal secrets that they are PRIVILEDGED enough to know ??? Could I have or be a better friend and deserve someone who doesn’t love me per convenience ?? Could I get a car that works completely ?? Could I get more money at work ??? Shit…..
Its been a year I tell you…..
I’ve let  go….and I’ve done these things….I asked for a raise at work …..and got it…..I paid off a new car after scrapping the old one…..I let go of the person I referred to as Small Fries….and opened myself up for something w/a stronger bond than a piece of scotch tape….I stopped condoning foolish actions and stopped fucking with and entertaining bitch niggas and foolish bitches and there is no other way to put that. … * shrug *  …..and in the last few weeks, I have questioned myself on more than one occasion …….
before I could talk about the events of my Saturday evening and even before I can scroll thru the pictures, I had to acknowledge what has happened prior to last night….to explain why these tears are still right at the front doors of my eyes….
this emergence ….of me….of the great me, because there will only be one me so she might as well be GREAT ….right ? …I have learned to appreciate everything about me….my flaws, for real…..my highlights…..my body….which few know has always been a struggle for me as well…..just down to the way I look and the way I treat people….the fact that I know I try to make  growth happen in my life all the time, and its not about making sure people know I want to grow, but just doing so….these things have been my insecurities and likely still are…..but the flair ups are less….and the confidence is stronger…..and that always scares me because as I see and continue to deal with different types of egos, I become more aware of mine…..and keeping that muthafucka in check….
I welcome you to tell me, to my fACE, that my ego is getting out of hand….. SERIOUSLY> …..because I never want that….I never want that ugly …that some ugly shit…..but its necessary to balance the world out…..I aint out here doing nothing no one else ain’t or can’t be doing …..straight up ….
this is really just about me trying to enjoy my life…..what's left of it anyway…….so……the chrysalis opened…..
then out flew me…..and I’ve been flying…..and this is the most beautiful flight I’ve ever seen…..when I went to the Top of the Rock in NYC, as soon as I got to the top, I started crying…..go figure…..I was actually videoing and crying at the same time and you can hear it….lol…its on Facebook… smh….anyway, it was overwhelming…..the air up there….the silence, the lights, the altitude felt free….it felt like God’s concoction of love and wind and wine ……there were many people up there, but it felt like just me and New York…..it felt like just me and the universe…..it felt splendid
and so this flight has been my Top of the Rock experience…..
I love high places….
I wanna live high up, and make love in front of curtain less windows…..
I wanna experience highs as much as possible
flight
wind
wine and God as much as possible….
the negativity is needed to make this world tilt the right way…..the life I have led, Twilight Zone and all…..
have given me the weight to carry these wings…..and for real…..now, age 34….2013, I Kendria januarie York Smith, know that I have done something  * tears *  ……………………………………………magical in my life….something powerful enough to make a community of beautiful people come together to give me the one thing I am ALWAYS talking about……
LOVE.  and to prove to me that everything I let go of, was right.  I deserve better.
I deserve LOVE. And last night, it was in full bloom.

#TheScaryBeautiful.

……

 

Where to begin ?????????

*tears * 

Off the Deep In.

I think she's bleeding ....from her mouth. How fulfilling. 

VERY few

are willing to go as far for you

as you would for them…..
so if you find yourself amongst someone
who is willing to in deep
with you
and doesn’t mind letting it be known to YOU

Make sure they are not worth the effort
before you show them the dumpster.  

NowPlaying: In Deep, Fantasia – this is just what I’m thinking right now as my eyes slowly fight the tears back……I want to share ME so bad….not even my body…just all that is me….I know I’m worth the share.  Just one.  One solo person who is willing to go in…..and see how deep we can go…..even if it didn’t amount to anything in particular….I crave the experience….shit. …am I wrong for sharing this or am I human ??  Some things are better left unsaid.
But le shrug.

I aint scared. And even when I am, I don’t let fear stop me. Icant.
after all this….all of these 15 years of continuous allowance of heartbreak and hurt, I am still willing……to go in deep with someone. #Unbelievable.
This.Is.Utter.BULLShit. 
I can’t put what I need off on anyone else’s map….I have to just BE…..I’m not even supposed to be blogging about LOVE and this kinda shit anymore but this song made me inspired…….to like someone and be scared to like them because you don’t want to run them away with your DESIRE to BE DESIRED and you don’t want to place all these responsibilities in their lap….wooosah …..
all I can do is smh at that girl…. her fearlessness scares the shit out of her and what scares her pushes her to try harder…..

she probably shouldn’t even be TRYING anydamnthing.…….
let me tell you…..
I’m down for the deep in.
But I feel stranded, more often than not, in the guppie pool.

“I’m not scared if I bleed
If I tear, it proves to me
the love I shared was worth every drop”  ~Fantasia, InDeep.

jY

The WTF (e)X-Files

SIGH......this dude never ceases to amaze me....he would probably send the hit crew after me if he knew i posted this....but whatever....dude, find your ass.....you should be HONORED and ecstatic that you are even on my FL after our turbulent 1460+ days spent together.....did you NOT just write me a letter ??? You should research your words and tread fucking light with me......REAL LIGHT.  Oh you are not invited here....which means, you don't see this....lol..... ***deletes low blow comment ***

But i digress...anywho, i posted something on facebook earlier....and i was thinking about how Rihanna's song, We Found Love, became my ringtone from the moment I heard it until i switched out my phone....it woke me up every morning, next to my who is now referred to as my ex.....i latched on to that song because it felt like my life...again....like i literally was in love with someone who i had NO hope for a future with.....he hated the song too....but whatever.....anyway, i was going thru my playlist looking for something to listen to and saw that song and it sparked a facebook post that went like this:
When you stick with love you found in a hopeless place, you will wake up one day without hope for your future...and not even realize it.... Take that trash to the curb.

#LivingProof


I happened to venture back to that post only to see someone had commented on it. ....my ex....different ex, same hopeless place........actually, not the same....Mr J, as we will call him, was from the King of Hopeless Places.....Small Fries (my most recent ex/relationship/tape dispensing love), as he was often referred to, was on a much smaller scale of hopelessness..... So Mr J had the guts to comment on my status and it went something like:
That sounds like a sad existence. For one your future should'nt be dictated by love or a human being . Your future should always be priority. So maybe that thought process should be takn 2 the trash

To which I responded:

I didnt mean your future is dictated by love or a human being....but staying in the wrong situation, regardless of what it is, can diminish hope for your future, whatever it is. * shrug * My opinion, my experiences. .... to each his own.   The thing about interpretation is everyone is not going to interpret something the way you meant it.....so i am going to respect his right to decipher MY meanings using his brain, not mine.....but clearly there was a disconnect....i do not mean that ones future is dependent upon love or another individual.....if I don't know anything else, i know WAYYYYY better than that.....what i meant is when you find yourself in a hopeless situation and you continuously stick around it instead of trading it in for better (even if better is nothing at all), then that hopelessness will eventually begin to seap into other areas in your life......in my opinion, the first place it leaks out is how you view your future....its possibilities, what is in store for you, what you can or can't do...where you can go, who you can be....it has nothing to do with being "WITH" someone or in "love" ....but detrimental situations do not only affect/effect thy heart.....i've been in one before, so i know this much....matter a fact, my detrimental situation was with the individual making the comment . ......and i am LIVING PROOF, that staying where there is NO hope, can kill off your dreams and more....it took many years to get on my feet again....to remember me again, to LOVE MYSELF again....and more than that, it took the better half of five or more years to believe in my future again.....not including love.....My everything was broken ....confidence, belief, trust and so much more....one NEEDS these things in order to see and believe that their future has a chance at being something .......and after four years spent with this dude, i left him and found myself back at the bat for love for what would be the next almost seven years.....and you know what happened...it was hopeless....and i knew it from the jump....but i thought i had time to pass with him....before i knew it, i looked up and was no longer in my 20's, he was still there and our relationship was still high school o_O  And i was headed in fast speed towards not believing in me or my future again....i'm ok with not having anyone in my life right now for this reason....15 years i spent letting three specific relationships mold and shape me and how i saw what was to come....aka my future.....this last time, after the tape dispenser fiasco, i knew if i stayed, my future was dead.  And by future, i don't mean with him...i mean with me....because if i am no good, then i am nothing good to my future....whether its writing, performing or finding out how to be a bum on the street, i will be no good for any of it if i am not good to myself.  I'm simply recovering from the last 15 years to be honest....i like someone too....i do....just on the surface, nothing serious, nothing too much but i do like someone but i likely will do NOTHING with this individual....why ? Because i am so fragile, that if he flicks my pinky, it might make me cry.....but what won't happen is i will not allow another person, male, female, love, friend, family rearrange how i view my future by inviting me to table with plates full of hopelessness.....but that is damn sure what happens if you stay where you know you should not be.   So that is what i meant...but no one wants to read all that on facebook right ??? Lol.... Mr J...it IS a sad existence.....to find love in a hopeless place.....but it is ELATING when you restore your faith and your hope, and find forever in your future....with or without love.

  jY

Dare i notice where his way of thinking got him .....maybe your future isn't DICTATED by others or by love, but when you add one or the other to how you think, you MIGHT make better decisions....at least a few .... I'd also like to add cellular devices are illegal in prisons. o_O #Petty

Archives: 5 Card Stud & Love Dresses

 

Dear ____________________,

I see you staring at me.  Don’t worry, I’m not offended.  In fact, the only reason I know you are staring at me is because I am staring right back at you.  Let me guess.  You don’t want me to leave. Not without you. Trust me beautiful, I do not want to. You look as though you hold the secret that Victoria has kept from me all these years. You are the epitome of me. I see me when I see you. I see us, and we are a union. Well, we COULD BE a union. One under God, under friendly evening skies and mountain cliffs with tides beating the outer crust of the rocks below. Yeah, it’s safe to assume I had a fantasy about us, me and you that is, in that small amount of time I let you rock me back and forth. I can’t lie….i want you. I want you all to myself, to be mine forever; I want to look at you, stare at you when other’s are NOT watching, I want to touch you, walk with you, feel you against my skin. In a perfect world, you would be leaving with me and this letter would have been left in the unwritten files. But I can’t have you. I am not complete. I am not whole. At least not the kind of whole I have to be when in the presence of what is so magnificent (as you are). I’m not in here to shop, I’m here with someone else who’s attempting to torture me, accidentally of course. I am not standing in front of bent knee and I am not holding out my hand for a token of a new life. I am not a wife to be and I have absolutely no reason to be in this room with you. My closet is too full anyway. Tons of clothing and shoes have created a rift between me and space and there is no room left to add the unnecessary. After all, there is but one place you can wear a love dress; and that is during your walk down the aisle.

As a child, my grandmother used to teach me all kinds of poker games. Some of my fondest childhood memories come from playing Five Card Stud with my her for pennies. She would teach me how to read my cards, how to know when I have a good hand and how to not carry the look of “I lost” on my face, even if I knew it was inevitable. As an adult, I realize that whether purposeful or not, she was teaching me major life lessons during those games AND relationships/love are the best place to revert back to looking at every hand like you have a winner, even if the truth is you are about to lose. Now does that mean hold on to the lose-lose indefinitely? No. All card games end, so know when to fold. But you don’t have to let the uninvited world in on the fact that you have hit a brick wall for the time being and are disgusted about it. After all, if you can’t change it and didn’t die from it, all you can really do is Kanye-shrug it off and keep it moving. At least until your next hand is dealt. At some point, the odds are going to be in your favor. You will get a hand with that perfect card; the Ace of Spades.

As I stare at your beauty from the pedestal you are perched atop, I can’t help but look at this hand of unfortunate low numbers and feel discouraged. Around the room, there are women with single Aces in their back pants pocket that lies on the floor of the spacious, mirrored filled dressing room. They stand out on the open floor for their accompanying friends/family and the rest of the real patrons, twirling and moving around in different angles, looking for a love dress that will speak to them the way you are silently crying out to me. Each woman is attempting to look like the Ace of Hearts. She wants to look the part that she has already been designated for. I keep taking my eyes off of you just long enough to look at them and wonder what in the world is in their sauce. I wonder if their grandmother taught them to play 5 Card Stud like mine did. I wonder how many days or nights or years even, did they spend with the wrong stud left in their hand, while trying to keep their poker face on. I look at their smiles and the love dresses they are trying on and I fold my eyes downward to the last card I have left and tears fill up. I look back at you and stop resisting the urge to touch you. I may never have this chance again. My poker face is poked out. My heart is bruised and sore. And you feel like what I’ve been missing.

In five card stud, the first two cards are dealt one face down and one face up. The face down card is not revealed until the other four have been issued. It seems I’ve exhausted the other four cards and each of them has been a low number. The odds have continued to stack against me over the years and for awhile. I’ve bet my heart with each turn and every time it has kicked the bucket, thus becoming in need of reviving. I gave up on the idea that I would ever meet you, love you, want to be with you, in the way that I do right now, so for a long time, it stopped mattering what the face value was on my cards. Then I walked into “The House That Good Cards Built” and there you were. Enticing me to walk over to you and so I did. Begging me to rub you; see how your fabric feels against my caramel epidermis. So I did. You felt great. I searched through bagged love dresses beneath the “Wang” sign and found you in all your glory, asking me to put you on. And I almost did. Unfortunately, first I turned over the only card I had left; the face down card. In the soft spoken 20 minutes I stood beneath your white shadow, I accidentally dropped my liquid angst on you (thank God for plastic covers). My card is joker. And there is no need to try you on, for I will not be twirling in front of family, friends and onlookers while fitted inside your tiers of Couture ruffles. There is no angle that can make the time I’ve invested and thus wasted any less painful. The fantasy of people standing to their feet with bright eyes and cheerful smiles from the first look of us, me and you that is, together is something that will just have to reverb in my dreams….at least for now. For right now, I am cardless and in need of a brand new hand.

I see you staring. Don’t worry. I’m not offended. In fact, the only reason I know you are staring at me is because I am staring right back at you. Let me guess. You don’t want me to leave. Truth is I don’t want to leave. Not without you. You are indeed the most beautiful love dress I have ever seen and the one dress out of the all the ones I have accidentally confronted, that made me want to look at my face down card. Well like I said, I looked. And it sucks. And I will be leaving now. And you will be staying here; on this pedestal.  One of those things I’ve rarely been put on and never long enough to make a home out of it.  My guess is you are awaiting the person who has played her cards right and knows not only the rules of five card stud, but also the strategies for winning. Apparently I need to consult my grandmother on getting a better game plan. But if I remember right, you should usually fold if you don’t have a pair or better in the first three cards.

And that, my beautiful $1000 Vera Wang love dress of a lifetime, is the only reason why I am leaving and you are not coming with me.

Love Always,

The Runaway Bride

A Couple of Pages Out of My Book

 

I suck at marketing.  I always have.  I’m lazy about it a lot and then other times, I just don’t want to be annoying.  But it has to be done.  There is SO much going on this week, so much I have to be thankful for….its scary that its my true life…..I’ve come a very long way, especially from where this blog first started.  I’ve come so far, that at  times, I find myself asking myself if I’m exuding any type of negative ego-spirit. Am I becoming arrogant in any way ? Because I never want to be. …so I’m always mentally checking myself.  But it feels good to finally be able to celebrate myself, to actually BELIEVE in myself….in what I’m doing.  To embrace my beauty, my flaws, my everything.  This struggle doesn’t just start or stop on the stage. This is really me.  jY and Kendria are really the same person.  One just has a more people personality. So here I am. 

In a space unlike anything prior.  As it should be.  So with that said, I would like to invite you to a few pages of my life.  New chapters, new journey’s, new beginnings.  Some of you may have already been there, others this may be your first time.  But I invite you on this course I’m coasting along…..As you may know, I’m the host of an open mic called Different Peace of Mind, I write for a magazine that is coming local called I2I Magazine and this Thursday, I will be debuting my online talk radio show with my cohost and friend, Naz Khalid.  Then there is the book….and the next book….and this show I’m working on (2)…there is a lot.  SO if you are interested, please click these links and stay in the know, get connected with us/me.  And of course, keep coming back here.  I love you.  I thank you, for believing in me so much that I had to try it out myself.  And I like it. 

Peace

jY

 

Think Like a Woman

https://www.facebook.com/TlawThinkLikeAWoman?ref=notif&notif_t=page_new_likes

The radio show debuts THIS THURSDAY at 7pm.  There is also a blog that goes with it and is open for women submissions.  The blog will begin getting carried by I2I Magazine soon.  Also, send submissions of music (2 tracks, 1 clean version), advertisements and/or suggestions/desire to be a guest to thinklikeawoman2012@gmail.com

 

A Different Peace of Mind Open Mic

https://www.facebook.com/DifferentPeaceOfMind

Fragility

My feelings and emotions and just everything about me 


is WIDE open right now.....


if touched too hard,

i make break.




I have to remember that.
I HAVE to remember that.
Because as strong as i have learned to become, i'm still so breakable.

(e)X & (wh)Y

So…..

I have decided to enter the world of running….but only slightly….

Not as a SERIOUS runner….but …..as someone trying something new to occupy empty space and time, which I really don’t have much of, but these legs, I tell you….if I don’t put a helping hand to them, they are going to go to shit and I am going to be sad inside…..

So I wanna start running….

But right now….

I’m just walking….today I did a really good job, especially with the wind factor, the fact that I had on wedges and had to hold my phone, I think I kept a nice pace and did a relatively good job….i felt bad because my homegirl that I work with ended up being up there and we could have just gone together but …..i need this alone time….

Its no secret that I’ve been struggling with something….oh yeah, that whole broken hearted, desire deprived, wanting to kiss need that was further compounded by the fact that a muthafucka gave me a damn tape dispenser and called it a gift.

But I digress.

Apparently that had a greater affect/effect on me than I originally thought….but again…

I digress….

So I was walking on my lunch break just now, listening to music (way too loudly) and thinking…..sometimes, after I post blogs about my life, I get embarrassed later on and am like dammit….all these people have read my blog and what are they thinking right now….who are these people reading it ??? Is it the subscribers or is it outside people and what in the world must they think now ? ??? I swear I’m the black Carrie Bradshaw and this blog is my column and  we are all patiently waiting on my Mr Big to come and gallop me into the moonset…..yeah….

Ok.

Whatever…..

But I was thinking about the fact that I’ve posted two back to back poems about love/desire/affection and all that shit…..i started overthinking the shit I said in the last blog…..such as the fact that I keep seeing these facebook pictures about desperation and shit and I started wondering do these blogs make me look like the desperation I swear up and down that I don’t have ???  Like, does the fact that I have discussed it more than once make me the desperate woman I don’t want to be and definitely am not claiming ? Or is it honesty…..i think of it as honesty and maybe an honesty that everyone doesn’t need to be privy to, but I’m telling you, its never been much of a secret that I had some kind of affair going on with “love” in the mystical sense…..so as I walked and as the music played on, I started thinking to myself, I shouldn’t blog about love anymore….

I should not discuss love or talk about desire or those other creepy words that obviously look at me like some kind of walking dead…..ok, that was harsh but it sounded good there….anyway, I should stop….right here and right now…..at least for a little while….this blog is supposed to be about my journey to being successful and over the years the avenue has altered around a bit but I’m not sure that, that includes all this nonstop talk about love and my lack thereof…..

Or maybe it does…..it definitely makes a huge difference in my writing…..so I’ve been writing a lot….small poetic quips is what I call them….i don’t write poetry ALLTHETIME anymore so to speak, but when the real urge comes…like if I really believe I have something of value to say, I will write it…short or long….so I’ve been letting the creative words come together as they see fit over the last few weeks….some of it goes like :

Cannot tell a lie
it was i.....
staring like a washington face into your windows
peeking in for a visual of the you
outside of here
i cant lie
you intrigue too many portions of my curiosity
and the further we travel apart
the more i want to massage the tension of any given sunday out of your shoulders
i cant lie
i want to lie with
you
like two opposites of the truth,
i want to be nearest the closest region of
you
and so i stare at you
endlessly while you aren't watching
waiting impatiently to see if this is what they call desperation
or if this is just our mutual hesitation to bring forth fireworks from our lips
sure we both know its dangerous
so we cover ourselves in protection as if we were piercing erections venturing into new waters
drive slow
tread deep
i want to feel your smile from tips of my ears to the bottom of my feet and so far
all i have
is this handful of truth
and a wishing well penny
and i cant lie....
I tossed it in
and its spinning
in circles
now i wait to see if shooting star can be access granted
quickly
we
become
infinity
even if only
for the moment.

And then there was:

Ego bruised like it was in a fight with two W's. ....
heart battered, brain irritated with the matters of thy wants....
feels like fainting
like falling
like cars stalling at green lights that turn red before motion has set in
stop me
before i go too far
hurt me now so that the later is apple flavored
the sting is savored
savory
steak and gravy over mashed potatoes,
i got a plate full of cross contamination
back off slowly
so i know its real
back in quicker next time and ask me how i feel about the new results
and in less than foreign language
i will say
it feels like my ego was bruised in a fight with two W's
F on my paper, we 60% lost
ten percent found
and i'm 30 for 30, middle grounded, looking at pursuit of happiness
versus
the glimmer of hope left in my eyes.....
if you catch me in the corner, red & swollen....
don't presume it was a knockout....
just assume the art of giving up started tasting better.

But there was also:

Desire:

Anticipating the moment of which we meet
when the watchers have ceased
when eyes are wide shut
when rooms are dark circled with Yes'
when i do's are not being sought after
but i like's are supremely coveted
Taking a page from your book
learning the words to my chapter
henceforth, we will move at snail speed
slow motion
ocean rocking on bedsheets
flowers drawn on pillows
texts that end in three dots and voices that can't stop imagining the next sound
what if my ears were whispered to by you
and how about if your neck was the playground my tongue keeps sliding down
it isn't sexual
but its all physical
its in the hands and the way our skin feels to opposite touches
the eyes and the way we stare from across carpeted floors
tunnel vision much?
no one else dare to take your place
no one else sweeter than my taste
its desire....
all up in our personal space and daring us to have spin around the dancefloor.
This aint for the faint at heart.
Desire.

O_o

And that’s just in the last two days…..

My point for posting these ??? Because maybe I sound like I’m crying out for something….and maybe its attention….and I don’t like the feel of it because I don’t need attention….i need affection…shit….so there it is, I desire Desire…..but I don’t want this desire to consume me and apparently, maybe it has….maybe I should focus on writing some shit political or something …idk, maybe I should do SOMETHING else…..so we will start here…..i shall blog about something else, henceforth….

Or at least try

And if I fail, I shall acknowledge that loud and clear so that I may change it up for the immediate future…..

This life, I tell you……I got in the truckie and cruised down 62^nd street on the way back to work and the tears came…..i couldn’t stop them and didn’t try to….an overwhelming sense of FuckThisShit just shot right out of my eyes and I drove easily down the street and the hot tears of lightweight loneliness exit from me, hoping not many more would follow…..my reality is its right about here that I would always seek comfort back in the arms of my ex that I spent those 8 years earning a tape dispenser with…..this is the first time I haven’t returned…..and won’t.  I’m very confident in that…..but I guess, its been up and down….hard and easy…..and right now, its been a lil hard…..not that I want him back….and not that I miss being ignored…..i remember I came home from out of town one time and he came over, sat on the edge of the bed and got on his phone…..

I started unpacking like “MFFW “ …..am I fucking invisible ??? Haven’t I been across country or some shit ? Oh but that’s the same person who broke up with me right before I boarded a plane, as much as he knows I’m scared of flying…>God forbid those were our last goodbyes…..so nope, I do not DESIRE in on that…..at all…..and the strength is painful at times…..because I can see clear….but ….i got really accustomed to the fog.

So I admit that this week has been a bit of a struggle for me….i think I’ve accidentally tasked some unknown person as the responsible party for seeing to it that I am smiling.  Picture that…..is it really possible to project to the outer world that it is now time for someone to step up and see to it that all the bad memories of the last near decade can safely be tucked underneath new happy times ??? I believe it is….and for that I am guilty.  #FoolsGold.   When fucking it and feeling it goes magically wrong. oO

The flowers

The birds

Hell.  …..it doesn’t matter….just something other than love. But i think i'm going to have to write a poem first....and its going to have to be....raw....

and i think i like the title of this blog.

Requited Truth.

“I mean, I know where I’ll be on tour in two months, but no idea where I’m going to be mentally, emotionally, dreams, goals, wishes, hopes,” she tells Wonderland magazine in its latest issue’s cover story. “I have no idea if I’m going to get married or be single forever or have a family or just be on my own. You know, paint in a cottage by the ocean by myself. I just have no idea and I’m kind of into that.”

This quote was taken from a new interview with Taylor Swift, who has a very public love life…..I just read this and felt like maybe I had something to say about it.  And guess what….I do.

I agree with her.

I understand this sentiment……and Idk how that makes me feel, as a thirty something year old woman identifying with a young woman in her 20’s who is still experiencing the growing pains of love and love lost.  She makes pretty decent songs out of her wacky love life….but then, I guess I write some decent poems based off mine….so I guess I shouldn’t feel any kind of way but like I’m alive and living.  You know, I’ve blogged a lot in this last year about love, both unrequited and sought after.  In the recent weeks, there have been many a facebook postings and pictures that identify women who WANT or seek love as desperate individuals who don’t love themselves….lol.

You gotta love facebook.  Because everything is a picture of philosophy that we should all be so lucky to come across, like and take heed to.  Lol.  So many of my fb friends post and repost stuff about desperate women and the fact that they are throwing themselves towards men.  I wonder where are they meeting these women ? Not that I haven’t seen them, hell, honestly, I probably have participated in the art of throwing myself at love a time or two.  I’ve had three relationships over the course of 15 years and in at least one of them, I did toss myself in the line o’fire a time or two.  We see where that got me.  One is now married, one is in jail for the rest of his life and the other I assume is still coming up with that master plan on how to move the fuck out of his mommy’s house and let go of her nipple… o_O

Guess that was a low blow huh? 

Idgaf.

Anyway…..so I have had to question myself, seeing as though I keep coming across these postings….I can’t help but wonder is this a chance meeting with these pictures of reality or is God sending me a sign to take heed to.  Am I tossing myself out there? Am I throwing myself at men ?  Well….actually, I know for fact that, that is definitely not happening.  I haven’t even liked more than a couple of people in the last year and I am a flirt but I guess I’ve always assumed it was in all fun.  Aquarius’ are flirts.  But tossing myself at someone ? Yeah, I don’t think I have done that….however, having stumbled past my fair share of these postings, I can’t help but to be more aware of how I am acting, what I am saying/doing as far as the opposite sex is concerned.  God forbid any of these niggas or men think I am desperate for their unrequited love.  I am not.  Life is probably much easier having no one on my watch but these two disrespectful dogs I go home to every day.  I just wrote a blog yesterday about dating, love and all that XYZ, so I guess this is the season I am currently occupying.  There is definitely something to be said about not having ANYONE to spend any ounce of your free time with but shit…..that don’t mean I’m gonna post myself on a platter for these fools.  We all know they aren’t interested and that’s ok.  Like I said yesterday…….which brings me back to my original quote by Taylor Swift.  Something I blogged about in the recent months was the fact that I feel like I was not created to be with anyone and how hard (or soft) of a pill that is to swallow.  To think that there is no one else in this world of billions of people that was created to be my match, my equal and/or my partner is troubling in a sense and fabulous in many other ways.  Who’s thinking about the aisle?? I’m just thinking about smiling and laughing with someone who shares a few of my likes and likes to make me show the secret dimple close to my eye……I was talking to a friend Sunday night and we were talking about my dating life and how I loathe it at times.  When I left her, I drove home thinking about the last 15 years of my life.  How I spent it divided up between three relationships that got longer and longer.  One was two years, one was four and then of course there’s that one that seemed never ending of which I was rewarded with a tape dispenser to show my worth in his eyes…..yeah.  I have spent so much time trying to be the epitome of the woman they loved.  The first one is so funny because we had a friendship that started first when we were kids but it was always a turbulent friendship ….I’ve blogged about him several times and the fact that I get to walk out my door every morning for work and see his wife take their daughter to school.  I have to be honest.  That shit really fucks with me.  You would have to know the deepest roots of our history to totally understand and perhaps some of it will be in the full length book but man…..I swear it’s hard to do this five days a week and not feel some sort of way.  The second relationship, of which he is in jail now, was just the all out bad event…..that was the one where I helped raise his daughter….the one where in my mind, in my heart and in every thing I saw and did, there was us and a future included.  Somehow , I fooled myself for four years into believing he could love me enough and correctly when in fact, I was just time that he was passing with for the first year and by the fourth, as he put it, I was a mere babysitter.  Something that I never forgot him saying…something that tore a new hole into me that went beyond our troubled relationship….how dare you call me a babysitter ??? That was the day I grabbed the knife and didn’t know whether I was gonna stick it in him or leave but I knew I wouldn’t live beyond that day in that apartment.  And I didn’t…….the same ex who left me in Detroit, barefoot, walking around the city streets at 2 am……yep.  That’s going to be in the book so if you haven’t heard that story, brace yourself.  It gets much better than that sentence.  And then the last relationship, with the tape dispenser and the mechanical flower gift that had no batteries included (I still don’t know what that shit does) …..I’ve considered mailing both of those “gifts” to his house as a way of explaining how much of a disservice he did me by loving me incorrectly.  And then there is nothing.

Now…..I’ve been a single woman for awhile…..and the only times I am truly upset by it is when I start dealing with the opposite sex and how they patronize me…..as if…so there is this one guy….who decided to text me to see if I would be interested in him taking me to lunch (and lying to me I presume)…..yesterday, his texts came in and it was so funny……how cautiously he took care of the messages….treading the lines thin (because he fucked up) and attempting to meet my lunch needs with care and precision.  He wanted to know what I liked, where I wanted to go, what time and day was good for me.  My responses were quick and to the point….short, 30 or less characters (three dots included) and cold.  If you want to take me to lunch, by all means, do that….but I do not believe you….I do not believe in you or in us and I am NOT impressed by the fact that you have ALLEGEDLY realized your mistakes…..if you made mistakes before, so early in, then you will make them again….I personally feel like he is feeding his ego some kind of weird twisted way but I will not be playing into this game with him…..I don’t give a fuck what you look like….or how often you work out…..or what your job is, what you drive or where you live.  My VIP Attributes are how will you treat me ????   So far, I’m zero for zero. 

It further proves my point that I am just meant for something else.  Perhaps never love in a companionship sort of way.  Perhaps never a marriage off someone’s coast and never an I Love You that I believe. . ….so if that is the case, why date ?  Why try ? And definitely, why throw myself anywhere at anyone ?

There are things I do know:

I am an author and will continue to release books.  I know places that I intend to go this year and have no doubts that I will get there even though right now, I don’t know how to make it possible.  But love…..I have no idea anymore what I think about love and me.   A couple of weeks ago, my dad asked me to come over and do something for him.  He needed his new cell phone programmed and he can’t read that well so I usually do all these things for him.  I went over there (around the corner from my house) and there was a crumbled up five dollar bill on the table.  It was one of the old fives too….I hadn’t even seen one of these in so long, it was hard to believe it was real.  It looked worn and old.  Like if the US Govt had’ve got to it before me, they would have shredded it on GP.  He told me to take that five with me.  When I asked him for what, he said told me it was for gas money for coming over.  Lol.   Gas is only damn near four dollars.  But I digress.  My dad gave me love and as the words fell from his lips, they sounded like they came from a concerned loving place.  My dad, left an old, worn out five dollar bill on the table for me and told me thanks for helping me, get you some gas.  And then it all made sense.

No wonder the struggle has been so real.  I have never really had an idea of my worth and I’ll be damn if this didn’t make it plain and simple that he played a major role in that worth-dysfunction.  I wanted to look at him with the #MuthafuckaForWhat face, but he wouldn’t understand …..and at this point, regardless of the father issues I had growing up and how they shaped me into the woman I am today, I can’t (nor do I) hang on to that as a way of living the remainder of my future…..there is nothing I can do about the way my dad loves me.  And I have no doubt that he does love me a lot.  But he definitely taught me all about being loved in a measuring cup. And at 30something, I don’t want that cup any more…….I don’t want that vintage five dollar bill either.

I don’t want antique love.

Or five dollar respect when the highest grade of respect is way more expensive than a dirty five. 

I just want freedom.

And you know what…..I have it…..I have it in many ways….I have no anger (well, not much anyway)….I have disappointments but nothing I can’t live with….I have many reason to believe that I am a good catch….but if I honestly feel like I was not created to be caught, then this fish needs to jump out the water and find out how to walk on her own two feet.

And that’s where I am.

Forgive me if I have ever tossed myself towards the ring o’fire of love and pursuit of desire…..it was not intentional.  Sometimes, I think I have spent so many years deprived of it that I grew too accustomed to feeling like I had to go the extra mile in order to receive any amount of it.  But I’m no longer going an extra route….I’m not going a route …period.

As stated yesterday in my blog, I have taken my cards off the table……but its hard to stay away from the game….I would have to admit that.  When you want attention…when you want someone to love you…..or to appreciate you….DESIRE YOU…..it can be a hard pill to swallow to close yourself off ……even if you feel like it was not meant for you……I honestly do not believe it…I don’t….I do NOT believe I was created to share this life w/anyone….

Unless I’m supposed to be gay.

But I’m not.

So…..there that goes.
So where are we today…..same boat as yesterday……and tomorrow will be more of the same….perhaps I will blog until I become proficient in not entertaining the testosterone around me…….I definitely can say with confidence that throwing myself at someone is NOT going to happen.  But damn…….its a lonely world out here.  But it’s most definitely MUCH more lonely when you attempt to be where you are not wanted.

So here we are.

Living a solo life…..I will kick these feet up on my couch and sometimes, I think I will cry about it.  Sometimes I will get so lonely that it tears me up inside and I won’t be able to fully understand what it is about me that needs to change in order to usher in that feeling that I will wish I were apart of…….and I will log onto Facebook and see a post about how women who seek love of foolish bitches who don’t know themselves or respect their lives. O_O 

Lol.

I guess.

If I were to let every facebook picture determine my worth, I might as well call it.

I know the truth.  Do I love Love?

Yeah I do…. But I won’t chase after it…or throw rocks at its window…..or do anything more than remember how beautiful it is….even if it’s not in my life directly. ……and in the meantime, I guess I will go about living this Scary Beautiful life I’ve been gifted with.  Because it’s the only one I will have….so time is limited to spend it inside of a wish that I do not believe I was born to have granted. 

Guess I do understand Taylor.

Even as a 30something.
No more fives....definitely not anymore crumbled up, old, worn out, tattered and very un-special five dollar bills worth of affection.  Its gonna be a long road but surely i got this...right ?  Hell yeah i got this....you know how i know....i had three orgasms last night back to back.
Shout out to PauliePipes.  My shower head....Safely giving out orgasm since the early 2000s

* shrugs *

#jY
#Bradshawing