Requited Truth.

“I mean, I know where I’ll be on tour in two months, but no idea where I’m going to be mentally, emotionally, dreams, goals, wishes, hopes,” she tells Wonderland magazine in its latest issue’s cover story. “I have no idea if I’m going to get married or be single forever or have a family or just be on my own. You know, paint in a cottage by the ocean by myself. I just have no idea and I’m kind of into that.”

This quote was taken from a new interview with Taylor Swift, who has a very public love life…..I just read this and felt like maybe I had something to say about it.  And guess what….I do.
I agree with her.
I understand this sentiment……and Idk how that makes me feel, as a thirty something year old woman identifying with a young woman in her 20’s who is still experiencing the growing pains of love and love lost.  She makes pretty decent songs out of her wacky love life….but then, I guess I write some decent poems based off mine….so I guess I shouldn’t feel any kind of way but like I’m alive and living.  You know, I’ve blogged a lot in this last year about love, both unrequited and sought after.  In the recent weeks, there have been many a facebook postings and pictures that identify women who WANT or seek love as desperate individuals who don’t love themselves….lol.
You gotta love facebook.  Because everything is a picture of philosophy that we should all be so lucky to come across, like and take heed to.  Lol.  So many of my fb friends post and repost stuff about desperate women and the fact that they are throwing themselves towards men.  I wonder where are they meeting these women ? Not that I haven’t seen them, hell, honestly, I probably have participated in the art of throwing myself at love a time or two.  I’ve had three relationships over the course of 15 years and in at least one of them, I did toss myself in the line o’fire a time or two.  We see where that got me.  One is now married, one is in jail for the rest of his life and the other I assume is still coming up with that master plan on how to move the fuck out of his mommy’s house and let go of her nipple… o_O
Guess that was a low blow huh? 
Anyway…..so I have had to question myself, seeing as though I keep coming across these postings….I can’t help but wonder is this a chance meeting with these pictures of reality or is God sending me a sign to take heed to.  Am I tossing myself out there? Am I throwing myself at men ?  Well….actually, I know for fact that, that is definitely not happening.  I haven’t even liked more than a couple of people in the last year and I am a flirt but I guess I’ve always assumed it was in all fun.  Aquarius’ are flirts.  But tossing myself at someone ? Yeah, I don’t think I have done that….however, having stumbled past my fair share of these postings, I can’t help but to be more aware of how I am acting, what I am saying/doing as far as the opposite sex is concerned.  God forbid any of these niggas or men think I am desperate for their unrequited love.  I am not.  Life is probably much easier having no one on my watch but these two disrespectful dogs I go home to every day.  I just wrote a blog yesterday about dating, love and all that XYZ, so I guess this is the season I am currently occupying.  There is definitely something to be said about not having ANYONE to spend any ounce of your free time with but shit…..that don’t mean I’m gonna post myself on a platter for these fools.  We all know they aren’t interested and that’s ok.  Like I said yesterday…….which brings me back to my original quote by Taylor Swift.  Something I blogged about in the recent months was the fact that I feel like I was not created to be with anyone and how hard (or soft) of a pill that is to swallow.  To think that there is no one else in this world of billions of people that was created to be my match, my equal and/or my partner is troubling in a sense and fabulous in many other ways.  Who’s thinking about the aisle?? I’m just thinking about smiling and laughing with someone who shares a few of my likes and likes to make me show the secret dimple close to my eye……I was talking to a friend Sunday night and we were talking about my dating life and how I loathe it at times.  When I left her, I drove home thinking about the last 15 years of my life.  How I spent it divided up between three relationships that got longer and longer.  One was two years, one was four and then of course there’s that one that seemed never ending of which I was rewarded with a tape dispenser to show my worth in his eyes…..yeah.  I have spent so much time trying to be the epitome of the woman they loved.  The first one is so funny because we had a friendship that started first when we were kids but it was always a turbulent friendship ….I’ve blogged about him several times and the fact that I get to walk out my door every morning for work and see his wife take their daughter to school.  I have to be honest.  That shit really fucks with me.  You would have to know the deepest roots of our history to totally understand and perhaps some of it will be in the full length book but man…..I swear it’s hard to do this five days a week and not feel some sort of way.  The second relationship, of which he is in jail now, was just the all out bad event…..that was the one where I helped raise his daughter….the one where in my mind, in my heart and in every thing I saw and did, there was us and a future included.  Somehow , I fooled myself for four years into believing he could love me enough and correctly when in fact, I was just time that he was passing with for the first year and by the fourth, as he put it, I was a mere babysitter.  Something that I never forgot him saying…something that tore a new hole into me that went beyond our troubled relationship….how dare you call me a babysitter ??? That was the day I grabbed the knife and didn’t know whether I was gonna stick it in him or leave but I knew I wouldn’t live beyond that day in that apartment.  And I didn’t…….the same ex who left me in Detroit, barefoot, walking around the city streets at 2 am……yep.  That’s going to be in the book so if you haven’t heard that story, brace yourself.  It gets much better than that sentence.  And then the last relationship, with the tape dispenser and the mechanical flower gift that had no batteries included (I still don’t know what that shit does) …..I’ve considered mailing both of those “gifts” to his house as a way of explaining how much of a disservice he did me by loving me incorrectly.  And then there is nothing.

Now…..I’ve been a single woman for awhile…..and the only times I am truly upset by it is when I start dealing with the opposite sex and how they patronize me…..as if…so there is this one guy….who decided to text me to see if I would be interested in him taking me to lunch (and lying to me I presume)…..yesterday, his texts came in and it was so funny……how cautiously he took care of the messages….treading the lines thin (because he fucked up) and attempting to meet my lunch needs with care and precision.  He wanted to know what I liked, where I wanted to go, what time and day was good for me.  My responses were quick and to the point….short, 30 or less characters (three dots included) and cold.  If you want to take me to lunch, by all means, do that….but I do not believe you….I do not believe in you or in us and I am NOT impressed by the fact that you have ALLEGEDLY realized your mistakes…..if you made mistakes before, so early in, then you will make them again….I personally feel like he is feeding his ego some kind of weird twisted way but I will not be playing into this game with him…..I don’t give a fuck what you look like….or how often you work out…..or what your job is, what you drive or where you live.  My VIP Attributes are how will you treat me ????   So far, I’m zero for zero. 
It further proves my point that I am just meant for something else.  Perhaps never love in a companionship sort of way.  Perhaps never a marriage off someone’s coast and never an I Love You that I believe. . ….so if that is the case, why date ?  Why try ? And definitely, why throw myself anywhere at anyone ?
There are things I do know:
I am an author and will continue to release books.  I know places that I intend to go this year and have no doubts that I will get there even though right now, I don’t know how to make it possible.  But love…..I have no idea anymore what I think about love and me.   A couple of weeks ago, my dad asked me to come over and do something for him.  He needed his new cell phone programmed and he can’t read that well so I usually do all these things for him.  I went over there (around the corner from my house) and there was a crumbled up five dollar bill on the table.  It was one of the old fives too….I hadn’t even seen one of these in so long, it was hard to believe it was real.  It looked worn and old.  Like if the US Govt had’ve got to it before me, they would have shredded it on GP.  He told me to take that five with me.  When I asked him for what, he said told me it was for gas money for coming over.  Lol.   Gas is only damn near four dollars.  But I digress.  My dad gave me love and as the words fell from his lips, they sounded like they came from a concerned loving place.  My dad, left an old, worn out five dollar bill on the table for me and told me thanks for helping me, get you some gas.  And then it all made sense.
No wonder the struggle has been so real.  I have never really had an idea of my worth and I’ll be damn if this didn’t make it plain and simple that he played a major role in that worth-dysfunction.  I wanted to look at him with the #MuthafuckaForWhat face, but he wouldn’t understand …..and at this point, regardless of the father issues I had growing up and how they shaped me into the woman I am today, I can’t (nor do I) hang on to that as a way of living the remainder of my future…..there is nothing I can do about the way my dad loves me.  And I have no doubt that he does love me a lot.  But he definitely taught me all about being loved in a measuring cup. And at 30something, I don’t want that cup any more…….I don’t want that vintage five dollar bill either.
I don’t want antique love.
Or five dollar respect when the highest grade of respect is way more expensive than a dirty five. 
I just want freedom.
And you know what…..I have it…..I have it in many ways….I have no anger (well, not much anyway)….I have disappointments but nothing I can’t live with….I have many reason to believe that I am a good catch….but if I honestly feel like I was not created to be caught, then this fish needs to jump out the water and find out how to walk on her own two feet.
And that’s where I am.
Forgive me if I have ever tossed myself towards the ring o’fire of love and pursuit of desire…..it was not intentional.  Sometimes, I think I have spent so many years deprived of it that I grew too accustomed to feeling like I had to go the extra mile in order to receive any amount of it.  But I’m no longer going an extra route….I’m not going a route …period.
As stated yesterday in my blog, I have taken my cards off the table……but its hard to stay away from the game….I would have to admit that.  When you want attention…when you want someone to love you…..or to appreciate you….DESIRE YOU…..it can be a hard pill to swallow to close yourself off ……even if you feel like it was not meant for you……I honestly do not believe it…I don’t….I do NOT believe I was created to share this life w/anyone….
Unless I’m supposed to be gay.
But I’m not.
So…..there that goes.
So where are we today…..same boat as yesterday……and tomorrow will be more of the same….perhaps I will blog until I become proficient in not entertaining the testosterone around me…….I definitely can say with confidence that throwing myself at someone is NOT going to happen.  But damn…….its a lonely world out here.  But it’s most definitely MUCH more lonely when you attempt to be where you are not wanted.
So here we are.
Living a solo life…..I will kick these feet up on my couch and sometimes, I think I will cry about it.  Sometimes I will get so lonely that it tears me up inside and I won’t be able to fully understand what it is about me that needs to change in order to usher in that feeling that I will wish I were apart of…….and I will log onto Facebook and see a post about how women who seek love of foolish bitches who don’t know themselves or respect their lives. O_O 
I guess.
If I were to let every facebook picture determine my worth, I might as well call it.
I know the truth.  Do I love Love?
Yeah I do…. But I won’t chase after it…or throw rocks at its window…..or do anything more than remember how beautiful it is….even if it’s not in my life directly. ……and in the meantime, I guess I will go about living this Scary Beautiful life I’ve been gifted with.  Because it’s the only one I will have….so time is limited to spend it inside of a wish that I do not believe I was born to have granted. 
Guess I do understand Taylor.
Even as a 30something.
No more fives....definitely not anymore crumbled up, old, worn out, tattered and very un-special five dollar bills worth of affection.  Its gonna be a long road but surely i got this...right ?  Hell yeah i got this....you know how i know....i had three orgasms last night back to back.
Shout out to PauliePipes.  My shower head....Safely giving out orgasm since the early 2000s

* shrugs *


No comments:

Post a Comment