In Search of My Fitted Cap: Thoughts while watching VS Fashion Show


I just wonder where exactly I will fit in all this.   I know what I do.  I know how to do it.  I got the drive.  I own the power.  I have a great God, who blessed me with this gift.  but I wonder where the heck do I fit?  Am I writer or a performer or both? I mean I know I am both.  But if I am to successfully make this transition out of the workforce in a year, I simply must ask myself these necessary questions so that I can take the necessary steps, and if I turn out to be wrong, I’ll double back and restart.   but how the hell can I make my artistic creativity and love of writing turn a big enough profit for me to survive off of….
I realize some lifestyle changes would have to be made, but I am talking about switching states and starting over somewhere else.  I need to be able to make ends meet and not need or require any governmental assistance in order to make it…if that’s the case, then I might as well take shows when I get them and keep working where I am and stay stable.
 Are my dreams worth my instability? 

if so, for how long….? 
Which brings me back to square one.  Finding where I fit in all this and making the right moves.  Am I a writer?  Blogger?  I don’t have a journalism degree…what will that stop?? Should I have one?  Is THAT what I should be in school for?  Am I  a show facilitator?  A performer?  Do I do poetry or  motivational speaking?  Do I tour open mics or colleges or both? If i were being totally honest, i would either post the blog i wrote & saved before this one (its not posted obviously) or i would just say in less words, i don't feel like i "fit" in the spoken word scene....now ain't that some shit?? Its true...i don't....but i never have....i will never be best friends with the greats, although some of the greats have given me GREAT compliments...i still don't fit...and i'm totally ok with that...i still love the scene, the culture and the people....and will undoubtedly always be a part of it...but as for making this my LIFE, thats not where i fit...
so where DO i fit in all this? 

  How can I turn my heart and passion into my career if I don’t know what direction I should head in? 

I gotta find where I fit in all this.  I am surrounded by people who are living out their heart’s desire DAILY….you see it on their faces….you see freedom in their eyes when they speak or don’t speak.  YOu can feel it….its something uniquely different about their aura….today I posted on my facebook page that one of my biggest fears is not having lived out my artistic desires before my dust meets the Atlantic Ocean..(if someone would please take my remains to the nearest coast of it in NYC) ….this next year is in full effect….this isn’t something I’m just saying cause its new years or because it sounds good; this is real life.  I want out of indianapolis and I want into my artistic being. 
All I gotta do is find out where in all this I fit. 

*sigh* *shrug* *win*

I don’t know anywhere else to turn to but this blog.  Everywhere else seems unsafe or I don’t want to risk sounding like whiner or like I am on the attention seeking campaign.  I worry about those things a lot…..i think it has more to do with them being a couple of my pet peeves about people, but whatever the reason, I think about those things.  Or maybe its just that I’ve always felt misunderstood by my family and damn near anyone that I brought around them and allowed them to “taint” , so I have a natural unspoken fear of people thinking one thing when I really mean the other.  I don’t know.  I just …..*sigh*

Some of the things I am thinking about 18 days before my cd release:

-         *sigh*  
 I’m tired of sighing but really, its all I have been able to do as of the last 24 hours.  I am paying for absolutely everything I am doing out of my own pocket, which is what I would guess the natural thing would be.  No complaints.  However, A)sponsors are a good thing and I see why, and B)my check was short this week.  I don’t make that much money, so for my check to be short means I am essentially a midget.  Or at least in the pockets.  So…a few things that were supposed to happen this week, have been postponed to next week, which means a higher possibility of paying extra for shipping just so it can be here in time.  PRICE INFLATION!!!

-          CD Duplication – I have been pretty dead set on who I was using; the same place I had used to make the last cd.  But here’s what.  It appears that they have gone up in prices or at least in shipping as well.  So I started looking around for other places to create my cd and it turns out that despite the fact that my spot might have  gone up in some way or another, they are still the cheapest.  However, what I did find out is that is very possible and easy, and not as expensive as one would think to have a cd booklet done, which is something I had been wanting since the start of this project. I have a little booklet drawn out in one my many journals with all of the components I would have liked to have been in a booklet, but that idea winded up on the cutting room floor after several plans A-E falling through.  But do to the prices that it currently is, which is slightly different from whats on my budget, I have managed to need to shrink my order from 100 cds to 50-75.  just depends on where things are and how I’m feeling when I order….NEXT WEEK!!!! ….yeah…gotta order next week due to the holiday pay bullshit.  …which is another reason I was looking for other places because I don’t know how long this place will take to get them sent out.  If I have not ordered cd’s by next week, I will either be ass out or paying a whollllllle lotta money.  Neither is a real possibility.  *sigh**shrug*

-         Flyers seemed like something good to have and be able to pass out.  But unfortunately flyers are something that didn’t cross my mind until the holiday weekend.  So I’m pretty tight on the budget and the ability to get flyers made.  The place I had completely decided upon has decided to remove their sale and go back to the normal prices of things.  Well….this is bad business for me.  This is the equivalent of  too much damn money.  So flyers are out.  Cant find anyone to draw me something really simple and easy that I can scan and work around.  Cant really get help on this situation without being recommended to my nearest graphic design artist…..only thing is I don’t have the money to pay for MORE graphics….in addition to sponsoring my cd & party in its entirety, I still have bills that are due, a growling tummy and an always thirsty tank.  So, I decided to work on it myself.  I will attempt to create my own flyer.  I’ll see what comes out…I’m creative enough to make something pop from this, I just don’t know what.  But give it time….*sigh**shrug**win*

-         I shrunk the _____ count down due to finances.  We went from 25 to 20.  before its over, it might be ten!!! LMAO! (guess you have to attend to know what the empty space means)  *shrug*
-         Weather – Gotta love indy.  Its supposed to snow today.  Already.  Which makes me nervous.  I know a few people that would come to my party in the midst of a volcano eruption.  So I’m banking on them (not naming names cause I’ve been known to be wrong).  In the meantime, I’m praying for good weather, specifically good enough for people to want to be out.  But I’m a lil nervous on that.  However, that is not in my control so it cannot have any more power past this posting. 

-         Is it really a secret that I’m worried no one is really going to show up and its going to be a near empty house?  Well, if it was, now its not. ….its true…I’m scared out of my mind.  Some of my most cherished friends are not going to be there for one reason or another and I already know that.  So, I think it has put me in this mindset of nervousness in yet another unnecessary and uncontrollable situation. 

-         I’m going thru a loneliness phase in my personal life.  I keep bouncing from ok we can make this work to there is no “we” and there is no “work” ….talk about “braving a storm”…..i need Adele to teach me how to just walk away.  This is adding to my stress levels and its making me unfocused. 

-         I’m still recording.  – mostly by choice and touching up a few things.  That’s really no big deal.  Just threw it on here because it goes with the flow. 

-         I need to get out of here…I gotta take the drive test to get my License at 130 today…..no they aren’t suspended…just been expired for 3 years….LMAO…probably 4 by now…..i REALLY want to go to Vegas for my bday but finding a solid travel buddy is like looking for the fine print.  Nearly impossible without some true research and hard looking and maybe a second pair of eyes!!!! People say they will, say they want, but in all honesty, can’t.  I can’t either….i just do.  I can say for certainty, there have only been a handful of events or moments in my life that I could afford to do and did.  I have NEVER been able to afford to go to NYC….couldn’t afford it the first time or the last time……but I went…..i’m just a different breed and I can’t fault people for not being like me.  I also only have to worry about me and me only, so I can’t expect people to just be like “fuck it” and through their caution with my caution while we catch a plane to elsewhere……so its not about being mad or upset.  But it is about looking for a travel buddy.  Some places you just don’t want to go by yourself.  And shit…at this point, I date myself, I take myself and pay for myself for everything I do and at all times….movies, dinner, walks in the park, museums, art functions, galleries, etc….shit I could go on forever….and I’m ok with that…but I don’t wanna do Vegas of all places alone.  I can do NYC alone.  Not Vegas.  I want to laugh with someone.  And right now, I don’t know anyone that has the ability, whatever that means, to go to Vegas in January…..so…..i’m just gonna rent a car and drive that MF until I end up somewhere.  Its what I have decided to do.   Eat pray love live my way to celebrating all by myself, which is how I spend most of my life anyway (outside of poetry), so whats the difference? i do know i need to be inspired outside the state lines of indiana....not having gone anywhere this year has truly taken a toll on me.... *sigh**shrug**win*

I’ve written too much.  And I’m sure i’m really not done.  I’m not stressing or stressed so to speak….i’m just a lil worried and I shouldn’t be because I believe in the power of prayer and if I’m going to pray, I can’t worry and vice versa, so …


What I know is, despite all of this, nothing but God can stop this night …this is MY night and I’m going to act like it .

I’m going to win.  And what I REALLY REALLLLLY hope, is that a muthafucka is reading my  tweets or facebook messages and thinking otherwise. 




I’ve spent years worth of my life fearing the abstract emotions ‘failure’ brings forth.  I’ve  tried several different things, excelled at each, and quit them all. ….if you’ve read this blog, you know about most of them…..from cosmetology where I was on the path to being one of the next baddest beauticians in the city (my opinion but it counts) to the most recent, Culinary School, I’ve tried my hand in various avenues.  I’ve attempted to be “normal”….i want to be a college grad so bad but my desire to keep it moving versus my desire to finish what I started, which will cost me $850 prove to be a challenge at what the best thing to do is.  Time is something I am steadily running out of.  My days are numbered.  Even if I live to be 90, as of midnight, I will be one day less of what life is left.  …..and I think about that too much…I over think it….i always loved and identified with Tupac because I felt like I was the female version of him…..i felt like I was always running from death….always thinking about it, wondering when and how, who would care and who wouldn’t…..so I just stuck in trying everything and if it didn’t work or I didn’t like it, I’d bounce.  I learned that from quitting cosmetology and no one reinforced for me anything different, so subsequently it became the story of my life.  Dusting myself off and trying something different….again.  poetry is something that I believe was put inside of me from the moment my mom was wheeled into James Whitcomb Riley hospital. ….from the first day I attended Kindergarten at his school and then reinforced again when I had to pick someone to do a book report on in the 4th grade and I picked Phylis Wheatley…I wish I still had that support…I read about her for so long….i read her poems…I loved reading her poems, even though I was too young to understand why….looking back, I just know this was always in the plan…..Cosmetology would have sent me in a different direction….i wanted to live in Atlanta…..and I would have probably been there by now….but poetry had something else planned…..and it is the first thing, in my life, that I have not quit….i just keep going, seven years strong and I’ve done what started to seem like the impossible; I finished the cd.  I’m planning the party, ordering the stuff, looking for something to wear and ultimately, wondering, almost fearing, whether or not it will be a packed house.  THAT scares the hell out of me.  Plain and simple. 

My family,  God bless them all, don’t come to my shows.  They don’t really even seem to think about it much.  My aunt mentions coming out from time to time but she doesn’t walk well and is sick and probably won’t ever attend an actual show.  But I know her heart and that matters just as much.  But for the most part, no one comes out, except her son.  There were two family members at my IMA show; the biggest show I had to date and the best comeback one could dream of.   It meant so much to have him and his wife there, knowing that not a single one of my other fam was in the house.  My friends from my youth aren’t at any shows either.  My dad, mom, grandmom- none are there…now, they have seen me perform before, so its not that they’ve never come.  But they don’t come.  Plain and simple.  I don’t feel like explaining nothing else.  I’m feeling some kind of way today and I have been feeling it all day.  There is no one who owns the rights to my heart who is sitting in the front row to see me.  And its SO fucking hurtful.  All I can do is internalize it and keep it moving because I know I’m not the only person who has felt this or gone thru this.  But I’d be a lie if I said I don’t feel something from that.  But I am greatly compensated by the love of new-friends, aquaintences and co-workers who appear wherever I am as much as possible.  I am loved by ppl and I KNOW it, I feel it.  I can look in the audience and see so many familiar faces and know that they came to help support me and I feel a world of difference.  When walking to the stage of my “bigger” shows and appearances, I always feel this sense of ‘I wish’ but midway thru, I always look out and whether or not they know it or see it, I lock eyes with the ppl who have supported me for so long and I know I’m going to be just fine.  Maybe I sound needy?  Idk.  Today maybe I am.  (needy for legalities)….lol….

I don’t want to talk and talk and talk, but I am venting a little bit.  My cd release soiree is in one month and I’m terrified that it won’t be many ppl there.  That all this build up was for bupkiss…..but I keep telling myself it will be just fine.  Just lock eyes with those who are there, who are always there and knock it out the box.  Make ppl wish they had’ve made it ….but today….today is just one of those days….not necessarily a down day but sorta of a worried day.  A nervous day.  Many ppl are working or won’t be in town and it just seems like I always end up with the best of the last.  Here I am planning this beautiful soiree and might wind up spending it with less than 20 ppl ?  Which then makes me say what kind of impact am I really making?  What does it mean when someone calls you their favorite?  Do ppl think I will be here forever?  Won’t ppl miss me when I’m gone or do they just love me because I am here now?  Random feelings, I know.  But I say all that to say this,

Today …I felt a twinge of fear that has managed to last the entire days worth.  I’m scared ppl aren’t going make it, either because they can’t or just aren’t interested enough.  But after thinking about it for a minute and after writing this blog, I remembered something…..i am loved.  I am loved and respected by many ppl….everyone won’t always be there to share the nights you deem most important, but that doesn’t mean the love or care for you any less.  My family doesn’t love me any less just because they don’t show up at my shows.  They might have low respect for me but that’s another blog, another day….i’ve impacted ppl….if never another person or a person before, I impacted the teenage girl that walked up to me in tears at midtown in 08 and told me she knew all the words to Brownstone in Brooklyn….she asked for my autograph and a hug and said her fam gets tired of hearing her play BIB…..she said she listened to it every single day.  I can only imagine in my heart of hearts why that poem had such an impact on her, but whatever the reason, that was my doing.  That was her love.  And I doubt that she will be there for my party.  But that doesn’t change her tears, her love or her feelings that night I met her in tears.  So who am I to judge?  Who am I to fear?  Why can’t I just continue to believe this will be the greatest night in cd release party history and those who are meant to share it with me, will be right there, front and center and they will see what all the fuss and hype is about.  Those who aren’t will just have to hate they missed it.  But either way, I have been united with a force that won’t let me go and won’t let me let go of it. And i dont want to let go.  I have been annointed as teh conduit for a bigger cause and the day i stop, you can surely bet the world has ended, for i will continue even after my physical has been dusted away in the Atlantic (toss me there please).... I am winning.
I am not stopping.
 I will be partying on 12/17/11 as if i am in the room with every face i can only wish were there, even if i there by myself, which i know at least 15 ppl will be there with me....so we will rock out...this is what it its all about....knowing that life is a party that only stops with the last heartbeat.  
I'm ok....this is why i write....now, i am ok....had to expel that negativity and fear and get on with the getting on....now....time to order to party bags!!!!
I am a poetgirl. 
And this is my life.

-and if my pen should run out of ink, may my cd replay my love for you all until there is no more love left to show.  


Crash ....circa 2008/2009ish...

I dont know what year it was to be exact, but i can remember where i was, what i was doing and who i was with when i wrote what turned to be one of my, if not THE, favorite poem i've ever written.  Ironically, i've NEVER shared this poem.  I have thought about it.  Thought about slamming with it several times....have it memorized and everything.  But i LOVE this poem.  I don't know why, i think its just the randomness of which i wrote it and the nonchalantness of what was happening in the room with me when i was writing it that just makes me looooove it.  whatever the case, this poem, is in my top two of favorite poems i've written and it takes a lot to make me love my work like this, but i think thats the reason it has never been shared until now.  There may have always been this subconscious voice in the back of my head that would not allow this poem to be put on poetic block to get gawked at or silently stared it.....it would have set me back 400 years to have people not understand this poem or love it in the way that i do, so i felt it best to leave it where it was....taped on my bedroom wall......and i'll be honest....this poem has been taped on my bedroom wall for the better of a year.....sometimes i would look at it from my bed and read it to myself......most of the time, i forgot about it.....not because it sucks....but because i wanted to share it soooo bad, but more than i wanted to share, i wanted it to stay in the same favorited light i viewed it in.  So...in leui of my newest poem that has been making its way around the mics, Parked Cars, i thought it quite funny that i had written this more sensual, literary version of the same poem, years ago....i didnt even peep that until a couple of days ago....actually, it was yesterday.  But what the hay, i revisit subjects, its just me ; ) .....so i am sharing this now.  Not because i no longer fear what people will think about it or not think, but because i have (and continue to) grow as a woman and artist and now, i have finally reached a point where it really doesn't matter what other people think.  I will love it regardless....because i wrote it and everyone doesn't have that ability.  It was honest in its moment of birth, still rings true and came to be out of pure Studio Tom Foolerly.

I was at rehearsal, late night with Allen Imagery and Uriah (StonE Kornnelius) and we were watching a stand up show....either Dave Chappelle or Mike Epps.....whichever it was, was hilarious......somehow....this line popped into my head..... "intertwined like mangled steel wrapped around utility poles" ....

i'm sure a conversation of something was taking place as well that may have sparked that line, but i dont know or remember.....all i know is this is what came from it:

Intertwined like mangled steel wrapped around utility poles
Wounded bleeding holes in hearts get bandaged with the airbags of another’s protection
We’ve crashed into each other
Erections are hardening
Panties are moistening
Hearts are healing
Blood is racing
Clocks are ticking
Ships are sinking
Emotions are sepeding and head on collisions are inevitable and before we all know

We crash

Pain scatters the pavement like glass unleashing screams mixed with tickles, cries mixed with laughter and yells…
Interrupted by blood colored blushing that pinches cheeks upon the arrival of surprising happiness

We crash

And become test dummies for adulterous affairs that are brutally exotic
And painfully erotic
Breaking all the laws of monogamy
Killing commitments, murdering vows, promises and good intentions

We crash

Selfishly avoiding our pain with the lack of procrastination to push the peddle to the meddle and cruise for brighter skies….
….automatically shifting from the neutral space of once warm beds now cold with animosity
And drive down the secret lover’s lane of lies
Wondering if the other side really has green grass, yet prepared for a rendevous that won’t last past the next set of footprints the sun leaves across the sky
And now lives are mixed up like grape and cherry kool-aid, creating darkened colored confusion with sprinkles of sugar floating at the surface….just enough to make it sweet…
…and while our feet dangle and our  toes wiggle in the heavenly crystals of the sugar
…the new spoons we use for tasting leave bittersweet flavors on our tongue from the reality of newly formed disconnections….as old relationships reach the Omega
….and new blossoms are basking in the Alpha….
But who’s to say new beginnings were meant to last as long, if not longer, than fresh past..

We’ve each unlocked our seatbelts
And are being thrusted towards windshields tha will eventually cave outwards as the bodies of love, infactuation and desire fly out….
…and we will lie on the ground
…no one next to each other…
Separate …
But equal
Like the sugar
That danced on the surface of our cool need of aid
Bandaides can’t heal our scars now permanent
And we will sit amongst each other, yet still alone
Intertwined like mangled steel wrapped around utility poles
Mars and venus now worlds apart, yet growing closer together
We drive
We speed
We prepare
To crash

Only to discover
We should have just stayed home.

copyright 2010

You Are Cordially Invited to Celebrate w/Me

The moment has yet to arrive but that doesn’t mean its not there.  Its bubbling and fizzling and crackling all around me.  A couple of times, I’ve felt like these glistening stars were surrounding my face…like the emoticon stars found in gmail….in essence, the moment has arrived but I haven’t slowed down to take it all in….i know, you wonder what moment I am talking about?? Well….not the party….but the moment of accepting that I have completed this project that has been so far coming, so “Detox’d” (get it??), so shelved, changed, forgotten, altered, edited, removed, changed, loved, sacrificed; man the list could go on forever….even though I know its done and can be left as is and be perfect, I haven’t sat still long enough since last Saturday to just sit back and open my heart up and cry in the palm of my hands and laugh at the wall while swimming in my accomplishment.  I will.  In due time.  I’ve been too busy planning the party, getting it together, hiring my assitants, which has finally been done, etc etc etc….and I have a show tomorrow and the Pink Bag Party is Saturday, so its still going.  I expect to only be able to decompress and see how I’m feeling about this whole thing after the party is over, when my brain is then allowed to really take in the whole thing.  Christmas will follow soon after, as will New Years, which leads up to my birthday, so somewhere in between all this, I will be able to look at what I’ve done.  And be proud.  But for now, the cd soiree has to be on point, just the way I see it. 

Which brings me to this blog.  I know people are wondering whats up with the party.  Is it invite only?  If so, why?  What does that say about the ppl NOT invited?  Who does she think she is?  Etc…..well…allow me to break it down and if you are not here to read this blog, then perhaps you never cared, didn’t care enough or just will never know and not be there.  Otherwise, if you are reading, you will hopefully walk away with understanding and joyfulness and will be RSVPing today. 

So here it is:

I have an intimate evening planned.  Its not gonna be an jY Feature set.  Its not going to be an all the best artists in the city lined up to perform.  This “soiree” will be about celebration.  It has an MTV Unplugged sort of vibe and is really personable and of value.  Its my night.  And although it IS my night, I want to celebrate you all.  And this will make more sense when the day comes, but I want to give back by way of performance to all of you who have supported me, be it from day one or starting in the last hour.  It doesn’t matter.  In my eyes, a supporter is just that: a supporter.  A fan is a fan.  Time serves no purpose in this instance.  With that said, I don’t want ppl to come because they didn’t have anything else to do.  I don’t want ppl to stray in or happen upon whats going on.  I want ppl who WANT to be there, to be there; no matter who you are or what you look like or how long you’ve known (or known of) me.

IF YOU WANT TO BE THERE, YOU ARE INVITED! Its that simple.  But the space is limited as well.  So I have to have an active count of ppl attending by the first (even if it changes) just so I know if I need to make alterations (such as changing venues, figuring out seating, etc)…..i am by no means a flawless individual, so I do not expect a flawless night, but I do want to do all in my power to make as close to flawless as I can get it.  Making sure ppl have somewhere to sit is highly important.  Making sure the is enough room for “the show”, the performer(s), the cds and extra stuff, AND the audience is highly important.  Now I’m going to be honest:  I am TERRIFIED of not having many ppl there.  I truly am.  Which might be secretly part of initial reasoning of invites because I can keep an active count on who all is coming so I know what to expect and don’t wind up surprised when its just me and four other ppl.  I don’t say that for attention purposes or for ppl to say “girl you know you are loved”.   I have no doubt that I am loved and respected even, but I am so scared of having this special night planned and it not be anyone there.  Lots of RSVP’s have come in, so I know it will be some ppl there but that doesn’t stop me from fearing the weather, life or just whatever the devil can come up with.  But I won’t let that fear stop me from thinking like I will have arena of ppl because the truth is, even if its me and three other folks, those ppl mean something and clearly so do I ….my life is worth more than being looked down upon by my fam….i’m more than a woman with no one to love my success with me.  I am more than a disappointment, a college dropout (geeez I’m going back again), I’m more than an ex-stripper, an unmarried lonely woman or a dog owner with no kids of her own.  I am accomplished.  And I am only such because of the awesome ppl I have met along the way.  And we will feel that  that evening!!!   And I want ANYONE who WANTS to be there and can be there to MARK YOUR CALENDAR and just shoot me an email, facebook, tweet,  text, message or wall post to say “I’m coming” …..you don’t need an invitation to get in.  you just need to let me know so I can keep a head-count.  I need to know by Dec 1 so if something needs to change (such as venue), it can within a reasonable time and so as not fuck up the flow. 

So there it is. 
Please come if you want.  Just please let me know.  I want you there.  You are not, not invited because you aren’t a part of the cool kids.  If you love me, then I think you are the coolest person ever!! (lol)…just that simple.  If you want to celebrate me, purchase the cd and leave with a sense of unity that you may have never felt before, please come.  This night is about me, it is my night, but this is just as much YOUR night …everything that I have come up with, put together or brainstormed is not to impress you, but to show you the same love you shown me over time (or in the last 24 hrs, 2 wks, 3 months or whatever)!!!!   This is it.  Now, shall we celebrate??

Your Presence Has Been Requested
To celebrate with Ms. januarieYork
The release of her first full length cd: “La Douleur eXquise ‘the eXquisite pain’”
December 17, 2011

For details on place & time, please inbox Ms York via fb, twitter, gmail, hotmail, blog, phone….anyway you know how to….

PLEASE RSVP BY DEC 1, 2011, 12am.
Mark Your Calendars.
It won’t be the same without YOU!

I love you endlessly & thank you from the truest bottom to top of my heart and soul.
                                                          -love, jY


I Was Here

Never has a song been more truer to my life and my mission. 


Its official. 

The “I Was Here La Douleur eXquise” Cd Release Soiree will commence Sat. 12/17/11.  I hope you will accept your invite.  They will be greeting you soon.


Thank you all. 

Day One of 365


thumbnailCA6FLFJFI’m ready.

I've made a life decision today.  I'm not going to flaunt it or throw it around, I'm just going to  get it done.  I refuse to accept anything less.

Only God and/or can change this decision.  I have decided to focus on making this happen and stop figuring out reasons why it can't.  Fuck it.

I want to Feel It. 

I'm giving myself approximately one year.  That means everything about being a writer/poetic artist has to not only board the SS Dream ship, it has to sail off.  I have to be able to be together not just mentally but spiritually and physically.   I have to take the risk and be determined to make it happen.  I have to buy less, save more and make do with what I have already.  I have to stop trying to "fix up'' what I barely have and be determined to start the future.  FOR REAL.  Not just for talk.  So much has to be let go of, walked away from.   So much has to change about me and my life.  I have to be more determined than I ever was before.  I have to know who i am.  I have to have mastered my challenges, i have  to know how to keep going, how to not show everything, not be everybody's everything, i have to set sail.....i have to set sail.....

i have to.....today i woke up and felt something different.....i'm sick....my head has been hurting for two days, i missed Life Jam and a baby shower i wanted to attend, i missed church which i could have used but as much as i love and needed to hear that choir sing, i couldnt imagine all that noise beating against my head.  I had to buy my own dinner AND go get it my damn self yesterday.  And not because there wasn't anyone to do it for me.  There were plenty of people I could have called and i know that.  But there is someone that is always right here but never there for me.  This morning, after forcing myself to get out of the bed and let my dogs out.....after driving to pick up my own medicine.  After arguing with my mother slash neighbor about ridiculous shit the night before and then having this info regurgitated to me DIFFERENTLY by another...after feeling once again liked the caged singing black sheep...after a weekend of nonstop i don't give a damn about you's, i just realized it ....i'm ready.  I dont say all that to plug you into my personal life.  As a matter a fact, if you are a fan of my poems for real, then none of that will be of much surprise to you because you know i struggle with those very things....i talk about it thru my poetry.  But i don't want to no more.  I can't hold onto guilt or love or not love or fear or whatever, anymore....

i'm ready.  and i dont believe i've ever been until now. 

i'm ready.

and i have to get over my fear...over myself.....i have to develop the courage and the reputation to let me survive off of  what i do best because i'm ready.  So i'm giving myself this next year.  When 2013 comes, i want to be basking in what i want, need and love the most.   I don’t want to come upon another new year, still working towards the same goal.  I am in the midst of my restart and so far, it’s pretty good.  I have to take flight.  if I really believe its not suicide if I can fly, then its time to put together these wings and make wind.  In all ways.  In every way possible, not just my career.  in my life.  I’m ready and its time.  Its time, its time, its time.   I pray my journey’s fruition before my expiration.  I need it. 




La Douleur eXquise...the Countdown Starts Now

Ladies and gents,
we are approximately 8 days away from my completed cd!!!! 
Those are words i thought i'd never be able to say.  The pain of creating this album and to have it be everything i imagine it to be, has definitely been 'exquisite" to say the least. 

I am falling and tripping over my own two feet with excitement!  There is so much happening and going on around me, for me and for my people and fellow artists that it is almost scary.  I live in a city full of  talented people and I am so stoked to be apart of this culture.  To be able to say I know so and so or I met so and so and yeah he/she is real cool!  But for me, the only child, big city dreaming, quiet girl, I cannot believe that things have started off so hard and fast for me.  After basically a two year hiatus, I have returned to the scene, refreshed, with a new sense of self and what I want to do with my art and the ball has not stopped running.  My last two shows involved levels of difficulty that almost threw me into woman overboard, but in this moment, I just had an epiphany:  it’s the concept of to whom much is given, much is required, which is something I always tell myself to pull myself out of the stressful situations when I feel like I’m on the verge of cracking.  But even more than that, I just realized, as you take bigger and better steps, closer to your dreams and goals, the challenges and adversity grows and gets bigger.  If I were still having the same type of challenges I had when I first came out, then wouldn’t that almost imply that I hadn’t grown much or taken too many steps away from my comfort zone.  I should be experiencing stuff I have never experienced before, both good and bad.  And I am doing just that.  But I should also be learning and attempting to improve myself with each waking day that passes, and I am doing so.  I realize one of the biggest things I need to work on is how I deal with the situations.  I absolutely cannot tolertate myself having another facebook/twitter meltdown so the world knows how stressed out I am as its happeing.  What ever happened to the good ole me that didn’t say anything until it was over.  Suddenly I am over-vocal, thinking that I am supposed to live my life out in front of the facebook cyber cams.  I thinks not.  So that needs some work.  I’ll undoubtedly encounter another problem that will stress me out and when I do, I shall attempt a better approach to it.  This last time, my girl StaCe told me was basically God’s way of seeing how bad you want it.  What a priceless group of words.  I shall carry that with me from here on.  I will NEVER forget her saying that.  If I don’t want it, I will give up.  I will sit and say I can’t make it.  I won’t keep trying until I have exhausted all possibilities.  So.  Yeah.  That really helped.  And now I KNOW I want it, if I never knew before.  Lol.

So I say all this to bring up the topic of  La Douleur eXquise, which will be have its FINAL recording session Nov 12., which is next Saturday.  My cd will have crossed the completed line a week from tomorrow.  I can’t believe it.  I keep wondering am I jumping the ball for planning all the celebrations, but then I realize, this time is different.  This time, it is about to be DONE.  As in finished, ready for  pressing.  This time, as MJ would say, This Is It.   Yesterday I basically solidified where the Soiree is going to be.  Which is a place very befitting of me.  Very very very me.  The Black Apple Boutique:  Fashion, New York and intimate.  All me.  From the first time I walked in there it just seemed like the place I was supposed to be.  Just because.  So there that is.  As time moves along and plans develop, I will report and post whats going on, who’s invited and where and when.  I have decided upon a weeklong series of events, nothing big and/or extravagant, but something intimate, quaint and especially creatively enjoyable.  This will be “a week of januarie in December” and it will be unlike anything you’ve experienced before.  The cd release soiree is invite only, which I will blog about why at a later date, but with a weeklong list of things going on, there is and will be something for everyone.  Also, if you want to come to the CD Soiree, all you gotta do is let me know, and boom, you’re invited.  But the Soiree is something extremely personal to me and I want to share it most definitely with those who have been on this journey with me from day one and kept me going when I was ready to toss towels and shit.  But like I said, more to come on that later. 

I am currently still mapping out all the plans, but as of right now now, there is of course the “newbeginnings I Was Here” LDE cd  Soiree, but before that it will be the preparty, which has a bigger purpose than having an extra party.  But more to come later ; )   .  In addition to those two events, there will also be a FWP Reunion Brunch, which if you were around during the bruches I’ve held and my kinship with Allen Imagery & Tony Styxx and Mike Perez (wherever in the world he is), then you will understand the brunch a lot better, but it just dawned on me that, that is something that should be a part of this production.  I also want to pick a day to give back to my community in some way.  Seeing as though it will happen right in time for the Christmas and New Years holidays, I’m thinking about food or gifting random people in need or maybe not so much “in need”.  Haven’t decided yet, but I want to do something.  I’ve always wanted to pass out teddy bears and do cute poems at Riley Hospital, which if you read my stat on my relationship with Riley, then that should make total sense, so I don’t know.  That part is still being concocted.  Other than that, I have a few other things I want to do, including a “grammy style” event at possibly WriteOn because they were my first choice for my cd release soiree since they have ALWAYS been so supportive of me and my endeavors.  So idk…still have to get back with Ja and see what we can come up with. 

Everything mentioned here is still on the draft boards; some of it will change, most probably wont change too much.  Please stay tuned, stay in the know, stay aware.  When januarie n December gets here, you will not want to miss it.  Why have I chosen to celebrate for an entire week?  Because this is my baby.  This is my heart.  If you only knew how much shit has gone on behind the scenes then you would say girl you better celebrate hard!!! After all, I don’t “plan” to have anymore cds drop.  But who knows what the future holds.  However, as the plan stands, I have to celebrate this like I would my birthday.  And with all the reasons I have that you will never even know about, and all the ones that you do know about, it will take at least a week to get all the proper celebrations out!  Love to you all.  Stay tuned.  “Lets take this one to the grammy’s yaw!!” – Merci

La Douleur eXquise.


5 Minutes in the Bathroom

She cried in the bathroom today.

But not because she is weak. 
Contrary to popular belief, crying is sign of strength.  Not on some cliché shit, but crying really means you are strong enough to confront how you feel and deal with it appropriately.  It means dammit I feel like this is some bullshit and all I can think to do is cry.  I don’t know.  It really doesn’t matter.  Whatever justifications you have or don’t have, today she cried and it doesn’t make her less the person she is on the days that she is bubbling around, sending love darts and positivity. 

She went in the bathroom, realizing she could no longer contain herself or save face for her hallway desk, she got up, and almost breaking down along the way, she got in front of the picture mirror just in time to see the frustration laced expression that sat on her face like humpty dumpty.  But the only thing that fell were tears.  Once they started, she feared she would not be able to make them stop in time for her to get back to her desk.  But she didn’t worry about that.  She took up post in the handicap stall and sat on the toilet with three tissues pressed against her eyes.  The tears filled and collected on the tissue so fast, that it started to pull apart from its on fibers.  These tears were hot and heavy.  They spoke to the tissue.  Dared the tissue to stay together.  Challenged it to a pull apart, but the tissue outlasted the tears, mostly because there were three tissues together.  But as soon as the tears stopped.
She breathed.
And they started right back.  Once again they stopped.  She stood and went back to the mirror to make sure there was no remnants of fallen tissues pieces that clung to her already moistened face and cheeks.  There was no tissue, but there was pain.  It was all over her face, in her eyes and even on her lips, kissing those lips that were a mix between moistened from tears and dry from coughing.  She was getting sick as well.

She cried.  Again.  As she stared in the mirror, it hit her.  She was living two different lives and although most days she can handle it with pristine balance, today was different.  Today was show day.  Her favorite time.  But she had no ride, no car and no hard copy of the valid license that has because due to other circumstances.  So she couldn’t even rent a car to get there.  She felt like saying fuck the show.  She felt like saying fuck everybody, including her job, going home and covering her head until the sun started back warming more than sidewalks and carseats.  As she stood in what couldn’t have been more than 3 minutes, she noticed her eyes were bloodshot red.  The tears rolling down her cheeks made her cry even more because she could almost see life playing out in those small droplets and it scared her. 

It scares her. 
It scares her to be successful at what she knows she is  good at.  It scares her to let her ego go wild and lose good people because of some sudden God-like complex that she was scared of developing so when she says Thank You, she adds words like “soooooo” or “sincerely” or if spoken ,”Very Very Much”, in hopes that these additional words will make people know that she really means thank you, and is not just saying it cause its cordial. 
She’s scared she can’t do it again.  She’s scared the poems won’t continue.  The writings won’t always be good or people won’t always remember her.  She fears being forgotten.  Looked over.  Skipped. 
She’s definitely scared of being successful.   But with that, there is not enough fear to stop her.  So she keeps moving and pushing and stays determined that no matter what the fear, she won’t be stopped before her heart is.

She was still crying.  In front of the mirror.  Then a hard boo-hoo hit her and she lifted the broken and matted tissue, covered her face with it and sobbed.  The kind of sob that pushes shoulders up and down and causes your nose to run.  The one you cover your face from because you know you must look horrid with this type of cry.   She did all that really quick. 

She’s scared. 
Scared of being trapped in a temporary world of positions and jobs that mean nothing to her.  She’s scared of being caught in unemployment’s web of drama and she was just totally over people not speaking to her, acknowledging her or even helping her.  They are shut off here.  They don’t care about nothing but themselves.  Most don’t speak, they look the other way when approaching the hallway she sits in.  She is forgotten, not invited to the meetings, not given any real  tasks, yet she continues to attempt a lasting impression that will keep her employed for just a little bit longer.  God knows she was scared to step out on faith.  But she also didn’t want to be thrown out into it; she wanted the next try to be because she was ready to give it a  go.   She’s ignored.  Not spoken to.  People walk past her in the hallway and its almost as if she doesn’t exist.  They walk past her desk to the meeting room and she wonders the same thing again: “Am I real?” 

She dried eyes.  Wiped face.  Looked at face and felt anything but beautiful.  Her eyes still red, and now, so was her nose.  But there was no loose tissue on her face. 
She turned to the door.  Shut off the light and walked back to her hallway desk, secretly wondering in God’s direction how much longer she would have to be ignored before she can do what she loves forever.  Due time He says.  That’s all she has to go on.  And it must be enough.

She gets back to her desk and there is paper everywhere.  Just another day at work.  Only today…..
She cried.
In the bathroom.
But not because she is weak.
Because she is strong enough.