I just wonder where exactly I will fit in all this. I know what I do. I know how to do it. I got the drive. I own the power. I have a great God, who blessed me with this gift. but I wonder where the heck do I fit? Am I writer or a performer or both? I mean I know I am both. But if I am to successfully make this transition out of the workforce in a year, I simply must ask myself these necessary questions so that I can take the necessary steps, and if I turn out to be wrong, I’ll double back and restart. but how the hell can I make my artistic creativity and love of writing turn a big enough profit for me to survive off of….
I realize some lifestyle changes would have to be made, but I am talking about switching states and starting over somewhere else. I need to be able to make ends meet and not need or require any governmental assistance in order to make it…if that’s the case, then I might as well take shows when I get them and keep working where I am and stay stable.
Are my dreams worth my instability?
if so, for how long….?
Which brings me back to square one. Finding where I fit in all this and making the right moves. Am I a writer? Blogger? I don’t have a journalism degree…what will that stop?? Should I have one? Is THAT what I should be in school for? Am I a show facilitator? A performer? Do I do poetry or motivational speaking? Do I tour open mics or colleges or both? If i were being totally honest, i would either post the blog i wrote & saved before this one (its not posted obviously) or i would just say in less words, i don't feel like i "fit" in the spoken word scene....now ain't that some shit?? Its true...i don't....but i never have....i will never be best friends with the greats, although some of the greats have given me GREAT compliments...i still don't fit...and i'm totally ok with that...i still love the scene, the culture and the people....and will undoubtedly always be a part of it...but as for making this my LIFE, thats not where i fit...
so where DO i fit in all this?
How can I turn my heart and passion into my career if I don’t know what direction I should head in?
I gotta find where I fit in all this. I am surrounded by people who are living out their heart’s desire DAILY….you see it on their faces….you see freedom in their eyes when they speak or don’t speak. YOu can feel it….its something uniquely different about their aura….today I posted on my facebook page that one of my biggest fears is not having lived out my artistic desires before my dust meets the Atlantic Ocean..(if someone would please take my remains to the nearest coast of it in NYC) ….this next year is in full effect….this isn’t something I’m just saying cause its new years or because it sounds good; this is real life. I want out of indianapolis and I want into my artistic being.
All I gotta do is find out where in all this I fit.
I was at rehearsal, late night with Allen Imagery and Uriah (StonE Kornnelius) and we were watching a stand up show....either Dave Chappelle or Mike Epps.....whichever it was, was hilarious......somehow....this line popped into my head..... "intertwined like mangled steel wrapped around utility poles" ....
i'm sure a conversation of something was taking place as well that may have sparked that line, but i dont know or remember.....all i know is this is what came from it:
I've made a life decision today. I'm not going to flaunt it or throw it around, I'm just going to get it done. I refuse to accept anything less.
Only God and/or can change this decision. I have decided to focus on making this happen and stop figuring out reasons why it can't. Fuck it.
I want to Feel It.
I'm giving myself approximately one year. That means everything about being a writer/poetic artist has to not only board the SS Dream ship, it has to sail off. I have to be able to be together not just mentally but spiritually and physically. I have to take the risk and be determined to make it happen. I have to buy less, save more and make do with what I have already. I have to stop trying to "fix up'' what I barely have and be determined to start the future. FOR REAL. Not just for talk. So much has to be let go of, walked away from. So much has to change about me and my life. I have to be more determined than I ever was before. I have to know who i am. I have to have mastered my challenges, i have to know how to keep going, how to not show everything, not be everybody's everything, i have to set sail.....i have to set sail.....
i have to.....today i woke up and felt something different.....i'm sick....my head has been hurting for two days, i missed Life Jam and a baby shower i wanted to attend, i missed church which i could have used but as much as i love and needed to hear that choir sing, i couldnt imagine all that noise beating against my head. I had to buy my own dinner AND go get it my damn self yesterday. And not because there wasn't anyone to do it for me. There were plenty of people I could have called and i know that. But there is someone that is always right here but never there for me. This morning, after forcing myself to get out of the bed and let my dogs out.....after driving to pick up my own medicine. After arguing with my mother slash neighbor about ridiculous shit the night before and then having this info regurgitated to me DIFFERENTLY by another...after feeling once again liked the caged singing black sheep...after a weekend of nonstop i don't give a damn about you's, i just realized it ....i'm ready. I dont say all that to plug you into my personal life. As a matter a fact, if you are a fan of my poems for real, then none of that will be of much surprise to you because you know i struggle with those very things....i talk about it thru my poetry. But i don't want to no more. I can't hold onto guilt or love or not love or fear or whatever, anymore....
i'm ready. and i dont believe i've ever been until now.
and i have to get over my fear...over myself.....i have to develop the courage and the reputation to let me survive off of what i do best because i'm ready. So i'm giving myself this next year. When 2013 comes, i want to be basking in what i want, need and love the most. I don’t want to come upon another new year, still working towards the same goal. I am in the midst of my restart and so far, it’s pretty good. I have to take flight. if I really believe its not suicide if I can fly, then its time to put together these wings and make wind. In all ways. In every way possible, not just my career. in my life. I’m ready and its time. Its time, its time, its time. I pray my journey’s fruition before my expiration. I need it.