Day One of 365

 

I’m ready.

I've made a life decision today.  I'm not going to flaunt it or throw it around, I'm just going to  get it done.  I refuse to accept anything less.

Only God and/or can change this decision.  I have decided to focus on making this happen and stop figuring out reasons why it can't.  Fuck it.

I want to Feel It. 

I'm giving myself approximately one year.  That means everything about being a writer/poetic artist has to not only board the SS Dream ship, it has to sail off.  I have to be able to be together not just mentally but spiritually and physically.   I have to take the risk and be determined to make it happen.  I have to buy less, save more and make do with what I have already.  I have to stop trying to "fix up'' what I barely have and be determined to start the future.  FOR REAL.  Not just for talk.  So much has to be let go of, walked away from.   So much has to change about me and my life.  I have to be more determined than I ever was before.  I have to know who i am.  I have to have mastered my challenges, i have  to know how to keep going, how to not show everything, not be everybody's everything, i have to set sail.....i have to set sail.....

i have to.....today i woke up and felt something different.....i'm sick....my head has been hurting for two days, i missed Life Jam and a baby shower i wanted to attend, i missed church which i could have used but as much as i love and needed to hear that choir sing, i couldnt imagine all that noise beating against my head.  I had to buy my own dinner AND go get it my damn self yesterday.  And not because there wasn't anyone to do it for me.  There were plenty of people I could have called and i know that.  But there is someone that is always right here but never there for me.  This morning, after forcing myself to get out of the bed and let my dogs out.....after driving to pick up my own medicine.  After arguing with my mother slash neighbor about ridiculous shit the night before and then having this info regurgitated to me DIFFERENTLY by another...after feeling once again liked the caged singing black sheep...after a weekend of nonstop i don't give a damn about you's, i just realized it ....i'm ready.  I dont say all that to plug you into my personal life.  As a matter a fact, if you are a fan of my poems for real, then none of that will be of much surprise to you because you know i struggle with those very things....i talk about it thru my poetry.  But i don't want to no more.  I can't hold onto guilt or love or not love or fear or whatever, anymore....

i'm ready.  and i dont believe i've ever been until now. 

i'm ready.

and i have to get over my fear...over myself.....i have to develop the courage and the reputation to let me survive off of  what i do best because i'm ready.  So i'm giving myself this next year.  When 2013 comes, i want to be basking in what i want, need and love the most.   I don’t want to come upon another new year, still working towards the same goal.  I am in the midst of my restart and so far, it’s pretty good.  I have to take flight.  if I really believe its not suicide if I can fly, then its time to put together these wings and make wind.  In all ways.  In every way possible, not just my career.  in my life.  I’m ready and its time.  Its time, its time, its time.   I pray my journey’s fruition before my expiration.  I need it. 

Freedom.

jY