*sigh* *shrug* *win*

I don’t know anywhere else to turn to but this blog.  Everywhere else seems unsafe or I don’t want to risk sounding like whiner or like I am on the attention seeking campaign.  I worry about those things a lot…..i think it has more to do with them being a couple of my pet peeves about people, but whatever the reason, I think about those things.  Or maybe its just that I’ve always felt misunderstood by my family and damn near anyone that I brought around them and allowed them to “taint” , so I have a natural unspoken fear of people thinking one thing when I really mean the other.  I don’t know.  I just …..*sigh*

Some of the things I am thinking about 18 days before my cd release:

-         *sigh*  

 I’m tired of sighing but really, its all I have been able to do as of the last 24 hours.  I am paying for absolutely everything I am doing out of my own pocket, which is what I would guess the natural thing would be.  No complaints.  However, A)sponsors are a good thing and I see why, and B)my check was short this week.  I don’t make that much money, so for my check to be short means I am essentially a midget.  Or at least in the pockets.  So…a few things that were supposed to happen this week, have been postponed to next week, which means a higher possibility of paying extra for shipping just so it can be here in time.  PRICE INFLATION!!!

-          CD Duplication – I have been pretty dead set on who I was using; the same place I had used to make the last cd.  But here’s what.  It appears that they have gone up in prices or at least in shipping as well.  So I started looking around for other places to create my cd and it turns out that despite the fact that my spot might have  gone up in some way or another, they are still the cheapest.  However, what I did find out is that is very possible and easy, and not as expensive as one would think to have a cd booklet done, which is something I had been wanting since the start of this project. I have a little booklet drawn out in one my many journals with all of the components I would have liked to have been in a booklet, but that idea winded up on the cutting room floor after several plans A-E falling through.  But do to the prices that it currently is, which is slightly different from whats on my budget, I have managed to need to shrink my order from 100 cds to 50-75.  just depends on where things are and how I’m feeling when I order….NEXT WEEK!!!! ….yeah…gotta order next week due to the holiday pay bullshit.  …which is another reason I was looking for other places because I don’t know how long this place will take to get them sent out.  If I have not ordered cd’s by next week, I will either be ass out or paying a whollllllle lotta money.  Neither is a real possibility.  *sigh**shrug*

-         Flyers seemed like something good to have and be able to pass out.  But unfortunately flyers are something that didn’t cross my mind until the holiday weekend.  So I’m pretty tight on the budget and the ability to get flyers made.  The place I had completely decided upon has decided to remove their sale and go back to the normal prices of things.  Well….this is bad business for me.  This is the equivalent of  too much damn money.  So flyers are out.  Cant find anyone to draw me something really simple and easy that I can scan and work around.  Cant really get help on this situation without being recommended to my nearest graphic design artist…..only thing is I don’t have the money to pay for MORE graphics….in addition to sponsoring my cd & party in its entirety, I still have bills that are due, a growling tummy and an always thirsty tank.  So, I decided to work on it myself.  I will attempt to create my own flyer.  I’ll see what comes out…I’m creative enough to make something pop from this, I just don’t know what.  But give it time….*sigh**shrug**win*

-         I shrunk the _____ count down due to finances.  We went from 25 to 20.  before its over, it might be ten!!! LMAO! (guess you have to attend to know what the empty space means)  *shrug*

*shrug*

  

-         Weather – Gotta love indy.  Its supposed to snow today.  Already.  Which makes me nervous.  I know a few people that would come to my party in the midst of a volcano eruption.  So I’m banking on them (not naming names cause I’ve been known to be wrong).  In the meantime, I’m praying for good weather, specifically good enough for people to want to be out.  But I’m a lil nervous on that.  However, that is not in my control so it cannot have any more power past this posting. 

*Sigh*

-         Is it really a secret that I’m worried no one is really going to show up and its going to be a near empty house?  Well, if it was, now its not. ….its true…I’m scared out of my mind.  Some of my most cherished friends are not going to be there for one reason or another and I already know that.  So, I think it has put me in this mindset of nervousness in yet another unnecessary and uncontrollable situation. 

*shrug*

-         I’m going thru a loneliness phase in my personal life.  I keep bouncing from ok we can make this work to there is no “we” and there is no “work” ….talk about “braving a storm”…..i need Adele to teach me how to just walk away.  This is adding to my stress levels and its making me unfocused. 

*sigh*

-         I’m still recording.  – mostly by choice and touching up a few things.  That’s really no big deal.  Just threw it on here because it goes with the flow. 

*win*

-         I need to get out of here…I gotta take the drive test to get my License at 130 today…..no they aren’t suspended…just been expired for 3 years….LMAO…probably 4 by now…..i REALLY want to go to Vegas for my bday but finding a solid travel buddy is like looking for the fine print.  Nearly impossible without some true research and hard looking and maybe a second pair of eyes!!!! People say they will, say they want, but in all honesty, can’t.  I can’t either….i just do.  I can say for certainty, there have only been a handful of events or moments in my life that I could afford to do and did.  I have NEVER been able to afford to go to NYC….couldn’t afford it the first time or the last time……but I went…..i’m just a different breed and I can’t fault people for not being like me.  I also only have to worry about me and me only, so I can’t expect people to just be like “fuck it” and through their caution with my caution while we catch a plane to elsewhere……so its not about being mad or upset.  But it is about looking for a travel buddy.  Some places you just don’t want to go by yourself.  And shit…at this point, I date myself, I take myself and pay for myself for everything I do and at all times….movies, dinner, walks in the park, museums, art functions, galleries, etc….shit I could go on forever….and I’m ok with that…but I don’t wanna do Vegas of all places alone.  I can do NYC alone.  Not Vegas.  I want to laugh with someone.  And right now, I don’t know anyone that has the ability, whatever that means, to go to Vegas in January…..so…..i’m just gonna rent a car and drive that MF until I end up somewhere.  Its what I have decided to do.   Eat pray love live my way to celebrating all by myself, which is how I spend most of my life anyway (outside of poetry), so whats the difference? i do know i need to be inspired outside the state lines of indiana....not having gone anywhere this year has truly taken a toll on me.... *sigh**shrug**win*

I’ve written too much.  And I’m sure i’m really not done.  I’m not stressing or stressed so to speak….i’m just a lil worried and I shouldn’t be because I believe in the power of prayer and if I’m going to pray, I can’t worry and vice versa, so …

*sigh*

*shrug*

*win*

What I know is, despite all of this, nothing but God can stop this night …this is MY night and I’m going to act like it .

I’m going to win.  And what I REALLY REALLLLLY hope, is that a muthafucka is reading my  tweets or facebook messages and thinking otherwise. 

Lames.