Today was a rough day…..
I’m learning not to call ANY day a bad day, because any day you are given life, is a good day. I read status on facebook of all places that said that, but not in those exact words. And it stuck with me. You see stuff all the time that you “like” and keep it moving, but some things actually stick longer than the moment. That one did. So this was not a bad day. This was a great day. I woke, I worked, I drove, all my body functions are in intact and at the present time, I am at ease enough to blog. Today was a good day.
but a rough one. Or at least it had a rough start. To be honest, I hate that I tweet so much. I am so comfy with twitter, that I freely tweet REALLY whatever is bugging me or otherwise a bother to my state of happiness. Which is exactly what I joined twitter for. But I have been reconsidering my twitter. Or at least the one I’m using. I’m up to seventy something followers, which is an extreme amount of people. I am not on twitter to network. I do not find twitter useful for networking to be honest; nor do I like it. Sure I tweet my shows because, well its my twitter, I can tweet what I want!! But I’m not on there for that. I’m on there to RANT!!!! To rave, love, hate, be pissed, be loving, be kind, be bitchy, be WHATEVER WHENEVER, as I see fit.
Which was cool at first. And is cool with a few followers.
Some people should have stayed in the pending list. For their own protection. They shouldn’t be privy to my thoughts or specifically my rants and they shouldn’t be in “the know”…..some things are better left out of the know and I like it like that….that’s why I packed up my neurotic thoughts from facebook and sent them to twitter, where only a few people, not privilidged, but just people who I KNOW won’t create some fantasy world about what I am or am not in their head. Not to say that’s what people are doing, however, people are people. Hell, I’m one of them. So I get it. I must say, the “branding’’ tweets have stuck in my head. My brand is to be myself and be comfy with thyself, however, twitter rants or outloud worries shouldn’t always be viewable to 70 something people.
And I hate to block people. I hate to turn people away or leave them hanging in the air like I’m too good to let them follow me, so I sometimes I say yeah if I know who they are or if they are a fb friend I recognize ….*shrug* then they become witnesses!!!
Whats the point. So I’m contemplating going back to my old twitter, which I never deleted because….well, I like to always have access to past thoughts…..its almost the concept of burning a journal. I would never do that. Yeah…I have let go issues in all my relationships. I know. But I hate to seem topsy turvy. And I don’t want to take a break because I feel like I “need to”. …I don’t …..this morning was a hard morning. I’m extremely concerned about a few members of my family. There are some serious health issues plaguing different members of my family, all at once, and I SUCK COMPLETELY at removing whatever wall is around me and embracing them and offering them the love and respect I feel they deserve. I contribute poorly to my relationship with my mom and I own that, but I do not know how to change this problem from within me, and it is plaguing me in a bad way right now. I share that info because this is a part of my journey. I’m scared. I’m nervous. I’m concerned.
But I don’t know how to get it out.
and I could do it easily if it were you. Whoever you are. And that is pissing me off. It makes me feel like half the woman off stage that I am onstage and I’m being so blessed “on” that I don’t want to lose the focus of correcting the “off”, so that at least my role is positive if not anyone else’s…….and…….I tweeted that. Or at least the remnants of all that swirling in my head.
I am just tired of feeling alone in shit. although, as voiced in the previous blog, I’d likely not accept a shoulder leaning for me. It makes me feel weak. I have a lot of fears. A lot of inner fears. And my determination right now is so strong that it pushes those fears to the side sometimes. But sometimes, I can’t push. Or, I’m so high off of life that I relax. And something will happen and all the fears burst thru and something inside of me begs someone to say they’ve been where I’ve been and lets talk about it. But that’s not why I tweet.
or is it.
*taps fingers, raises eyebrows*
its whatever…..could be. I just don’t want to seem like I can’t handle life. I can. I don’t often actually lose control and part of my tweeting pattern comes from the things I WISH I had the balls to say to people. I am OVERLY-concerned with how what I say makes someone else feel. The gift of the curse. Hmpph!
Well….whatever….its been a good day. I have successfully done nothing all day. Tomorrow will be a great day. I will successfully work two jobs at once; balancing my work and my career. I’m a bad mamajama!!!
I’m not crazy though….or maybe I am…..im not accepting any new followers though. I don’t even promote my twitter, I don’t know how people find me….lol….well….sorry guys…nothing personal….just got too many people in the door right now and, well …you know….fire code and stuff like that.
Today was a good day.
I breathed….wrote this blog…am warm inside. Have had a good doggie day and I’m hungry but I can make it. My name is Kendria. I was named after my g-momma (spelled that way for a reason, NOT, an abbreviation) and my grandfather. I have had several name changes over the last fifteen or so years, and as of recently, I became know as januarieYork, oneword. I get a lil crazy, I tweet a lot, I am a poet, a woman, an architect of words, a love and a lover, a broken spirit and a revived soul….a hoosier with the soul of a new yorker and I am powerful, even on the days I don’t know it….I aspire to inspire. Throughout everything I do….whether its screaming it out on twitter or praying it forwards while driving. I am above all things, nothing but human. Perfectly created with only the finest of flaws flown in from Venice. I’m very random, as are my thoughts. But when it matters the most, it all gels together and makes sense. And to know me, is to let me make you laugh.
Because at the end of the rough days, the memory of a laugh is what keeps us going the most. Judge me if you want, but only if you have correctly identified yourself. Love buttons!!
I try as many creative ways as possible to market myself because i suck at marketing myself however, 2012 is all about campaigning....if i want to be successful and not be forced to work in corporate america, then i have to alter that. so. With that said, if you are not interested, no problem. Feel free to untag yourself and allow me to apologize for disturbing your facebook experience. To everyone else, please feel free to share this note as much as humanly possible. Love you!!!
I did several "interviews & reviews & whatever you call its" that i expected to be out before the party to help generate buzz around the party and the cd. I have yet to see any of them. I know, as a writer, as a person who has interviewed people and put together stuff in an untimely matter, that sometimes you just can't do it. But as a writer who wants to be taken serious by my readers and people i interview, I also see the other side. I have been tasked with interviewing a person i never heard of and creating a story within 24 hours, but really not even that long. I did the interview right after work, had the article written and turned in by 1am. Sometimes, despite what you have going on, you have to stay on the ball because its more on the line than just the "like" button. This is in no way meant to be disrespectful to those i worked with, as like i said, i understand that life happens. However, this was an irritant. And a learning experience in several ways; from now on, any interviews i will be giving (which the YorkInspire quarterly paper will be coming hopefully first, no later than second quarter 2012) will be done in a timely matter because now i get how important it might be for the artist, even if you as the writer/composer don't get it/know it. I also will not be doing any more interviews without a designated timeline for completion. these were not my first interviews. I've interviewed with newspapers before and they let you know when to expect it, give or a take some days. They give you a range so you know when to buy out the paper rack! I'm still eager to see what is what on the stories that i assume will run at some point before my demise but i also urge all of us writers to take our craft 100% serious all the time or at least let people know that if life gets in the way in any way, the article may be backburnered. Which is ok. Immediate communication is the key. This is my business. THis is my life, so don' t think i don't take it all serious because i do. But this was a bit of Karma coming back at a previous interview i did so i take it as a learning lesson more than anything. Its not at all the biggest sticker shock of the month.
Not that this is surprising, because it is not, but very little has gone as planned. Emphasis on VERY LITTLE. If i had the power to give up, i just might, but i don't possess that power on this one. I just gotta keep going and wait for Saturday to unfold and see what happens. Where should i start....oh i have good one.....with what has been the BIGGEST problem!
Money has continued to be a irritant....so many things have happened in the last 30 days that have compromised my finances in a way that won't finish being repaired until years end. I haven't even put up a Christmas tree or gone shopping....hell i haven't thought about going shopping for anyone.....i hope i get to because i love the holidays but truth is, its just not that important to me this year. Sorry. I accidentally bought a pair of shoes.....i belong to one of those damn shoe clubs and forgot to cancel my shoes for the month until the day after the cancellation deadline and boom....that was a clean $40 bucks that could save my life right now.....gone. Got some nice shoes but i didnt want them. For once. Then there was the amazon prime memebership that i have been bitching and complaining about wanting back so badly. Well i got it....by accident....hit a button that i thought would take me to a total order page and instead took me to a thank you page.......seeing as though i winded up not ordering anything from amazon, that was another $40 bucks down the drain. Only i was able to cancel that....still, the refund has yet to appear and could take between two and three days....so we have lost out on $100 easily. Might as well round it off right?
Then there was this excessive $140 water bill i had to pay because the new/old water company sent my bills for three months to the wrong fucking address. SO i had to pay this large sum of money at a time i really needed it for other shit....it was an unforeseen expense.....hell why is my water bill even that much to begin with??? *shrug* i do take long ass showers...i love water.....so its whatever. In addition to buying gas, making payment arrangements for my now late tmobile bill and attempting to slowly pay back the people i owe, starting with my graphic designer, i have struggled for the last three weeks to have a decent meal in front of me and thats no lie.
I do not share this for sympathy purposes....i dont want a damn thing from anyone but support at the show. I don't want to borrow, hold, use or otherwise beg for money or anything. I despise the feeling that i have when i owe friends money and don't have it to pay or have it but have a shitload of "other stuff" i need to pay for at the same time and have to make a decision about who gets what.....that sucks....so i will return to not borrowing anything from people again....i'd rather just struggle or go without. Plain and simple. So don't take it that way...i'm just sharing what i'm feeling two days before the cd drops....my tummy decided to just start hurting and i can't help but wonder if it has anything to do with the hot ass chips i ate this morning.....
the hard part is and isn't over ....the cds are here....they work and look great. a few of the gift bag stuffers are here but the gift bags themselves are not....one of my key items i wanted to create for the bags is not here.....the fabric for my tutu is not here.....the show is still in forming stages and my poems are semi glued but questionable ....i had a good rehearsal last night but not everyone was there which threw me off a little because tonight, i will be rehearsing with the missing person but then the other two ppl will not be there.....*shrug* ....it almost feels like i'm in a fight to make this a win......i prayed for decent snow-free weather and got it....blessing. My cousins randomly volunteered to bring food.....blessing. I have a dream team of people and hypewoman behind me, helping me make it all go as close to as planned as possible. Blessing. I need more cds....i was only able to order a handful of cds and i'm wondering if i should go out and make more just in case its a packed house and everybody wants one.....if thats the case, they will have to be discounted because of presentation, i have to figure out how to get cases and how to create the insert......more problems.
none of this is stressing me to the point where i'm nervous or scared about the outcome...i have accepted whats going to happen is going to be beautiful regardless of how much i had to stress about it to get there.....
This has been the HARDEST 30 days in finances this year. I mean, for all of 2011, i don't think i have struggled this fucking hard. From funding this party to paying biills, to borrowing money, which is something i never do (and now i remember why), to owing for services and needing things done and needing to do things (like wash), i cannot recall a time that was so difficult for me to get thru all of this year until now. Now is a struggle. I mean a big one. I didnt paid for the Thanksgiving holiday because instead of working 24 hours that week, i worked fucking 23 and that is a no-no in order to get holiday pay from the temp service. And i was unaware of this. So. I didnt get it and it is absolutely amazing how two days worth of pay can through EVERYTHING out of wack. I have just started avoiding everyone. And today is payday. But i'm guaranteed to be completely broke by tuesday. Why you ask? Not because i've been shopping or playing with my money; because i'm funding a party my way and i'm paying bills all at the same time and i owe 3 people small amounts of money that combined, will equal a large sum. Its ridiculous. And i need to wash dammit. THIS is what is on my mind five days until showtime.
I can't even believe its five days.
that is hard to believe. I"m surprisingly not stressed about the party but i did awake with a strong sense of nervousness this morning; part of which is due to a test i have to take (more on that at a later date). I told God this morning i feel like my head is going in a thousand different directions.
And i have no idea how to get a grip. Some of this stuff has to fall off. And it will once i pay a few people, a few bills and order a few last minute things from my party. Matter a fact, once my cds get here, that will take a lil more pressure off. They were shipped out on the 9th (YAY) and are set to be here by thursday. But the holiday season has me just a lil nervous about that, but what i wont do is make up scenario's to further worry myself. So i will see them when they get to my job. Thats what i'm feeling about that.
i still don't have the show all the way figured out. Out of 100%, its probably at or around 75, maaaaaaybe 80% figured out.
i took a generic no doze this morning and it has kicked in but not without ants in my pants....i feel like bouncing off the walls. No Doze does not make me feel this way and i don't know that i like it well. But its whatever.
i became vulnerable last night. I actually let tears fall, in front of someone, which is something i laid claim to not doing anymore for the duration of our time together. He knew it. He felt the tears hit his shoulder, but i just denied thats what they were. And just like usual, he didn't press for more information. I said it last night too. I said, "i still love you" .....and felt like i truly set myself back 6 years, but thats what i was feeling, thats what i was on and thats what i said. Vunerability will get you everytime. Fuck it, feel it. And i don't regret it. But i know what still needs to happen, which is contradictive to saying "i still love you". ....que sara sara i suppose. Thats what i'm feeling five days before the show.
Indianapolis has no beefcakes or no nicely built men that are single enough, trustworthy enough or have the capable small time-no lines- acting ability to participate in my show. Its amazing how many people you can be connected to, how many of those people ignore you, how many of those people will hurry and respond to a bullshit message and how many of those people are beefcakes. I know. That was a weird stanza. Its the generic no doze and this is a paragraph, not a stanza. *Shrug*
I'm ready for a break from indy and i'm so nervous about so much. I told God this morning i am so scared of life....He's always known that. But i refuse to not live. Last night, i sat with Gab talking about being a 20 something and realized i have had so much freaking fun living, that its almost like i forget i'm going to die. I just go and go hard sometimes. I have played the field, been in love, been broken and heart broken which are both different and i have been scared the entire time. But now, all i want to do is remember how to live and stop worrying about dying. I am so blessed that i'd be a bitch not roll around in the smiles that these blessings have gifted me with. But this morning, on the way to work, it was hard to fight the tears. And i honestly don't know why they even came. This is what i am feeling.
five days before the show.
*****************Found in old journal from 2003, before visiting an open mic***********