my internet is down at home. Has been down all week and weekend. My phone completely sucks.
This has been the HARDEST 30 days in finances this year. I mean, for all of 2011, i don't think i have struggled this fucking hard. From funding this party to paying biills, to borrowing money, which is something i never do (and now i remember why), to owing for services and needing things done and needing to do things (like wash), i cannot recall a time that was so difficult for me to get thru all of this year until now. Now is a struggle. I mean a big one. I didnt paid for the Thanksgiving holiday because instead of working 24 hours that week, i worked fucking 23 and that is a no-no in order to get holiday pay from the temp service. And i was unaware of this. So. I didnt get it and it is absolutely amazing how two days worth of pay can through EVERYTHING out of wack. I have just started avoiding everyone. And today is payday. But i'm guaranteed to be completely broke by tuesday. Why you ask? Not because i've been shopping or playing with my money; because i'm funding a party my way and i'm paying bills all at the same time and i owe 3 people small amounts of money that combined, will equal a large sum. Its ridiculous. And i need to wash dammit. THIS is what is on my mind five days until showtime.
I can't even believe its five days.
that is hard to believe. I"m surprisingly not stressed about the party but i did awake with a strong sense of nervousness this morning; part of which is due to a test i have to take (more on that at a later date). I told God this morning i feel like my head is going in a thousand different directions.
And i have no idea how to get a grip. Some of this stuff has to fall off. And it will once i pay a few people, a few bills and order a few last minute things from my party. Matter a fact, once my cds get here, that will take a lil more pressure off. They were shipped out on the 9th (YAY) and are set to be here by thursday. But the holiday season has me just a lil nervous about that, but what i wont do is make up scenario's to further worry myself. So i will see them when they get to my job. Thats what i'm feeling about that.
i still don't have the show all the way figured out. Out of 100%, its probably at or around 75, maaaaaaybe 80% figured out.
i took a generic no doze this morning and it has kicked in but not without ants in my pants....i feel like bouncing off the walls. No Doze does not make me feel this way and i don't know that i like it well. But its whatever.
i became vulnerable last night. I actually let tears fall, in front of someone, which is something i laid claim to not doing anymore for the duration of our time together. He knew it. He felt the tears hit his shoulder, but i just denied thats what they were. And just like usual, he didn't press for more information. I said it last night too. I said, "i still love you" .....and felt like i truly set myself back 6 years, but thats what i was feeling, thats what i was on and thats what i said. Vunerability will get you everytime. Fuck it, feel it. And i don't regret it. But i know what still needs to happen, which is contradictive to saying "i still love you". ....que sara sara i suppose. Thats what i'm feeling five days before the show.
Indianapolis has no beefcakes or no nicely built men that are single enough, trustworthy enough or have the capable small time-no lines- acting ability to participate in my show. Its amazing how many people you can be connected to, how many of those people ignore you, how many of those people will hurry and respond to a bullshit message and how many of those people are beefcakes. I know. That was a weird stanza. Its the generic no doze and this is a paragraph, not a stanza. *Shrug*
I'm ready for a break from indy and i'm so nervous about so much. I told God this morning i am so scared of life....He's always known that. But i refuse to not live. Last night, i sat with Gab talking about being a 20 something and realized i have had so much freaking fun living, that its almost like i forget i'm going to die. I just go and go hard sometimes. I have played the field, been in love, been broken and heart broken which are both different and i have been scared the entire time. But now, all i want to do is remember how to live and stop worrying about dying. I am so blessed that i'd be a bitch not roll around in the smiles that these blessings have gifted me with. But this morning, on the way to work, it was hard to fight the tears. And i honestly don't know why they even came. This is what i am feeling.
five days before the show.
No comments:
Post a Comment