12.22.2011

Balancing Beams, Tightropes & Broadway


Have you ever been scared to succeed?  Have you ever felt like you had just been given all the tools and support you needed to succeed and in turn felt almost as if it was struggle to stay on track?  And not for any other reason than it being second nature for you to fail? 

Well that is me.  Right now. 
I’m there.  I’m here.  I’m everywhere.
And I’m scared.
Not cowering-under-the-bed scared.  But more of a nervous scared.  A silent wonder of what ball will drop and pull the rug from beneath me?  What will happen that will through me off course or better yet, what will happen that will show & prove to me that this entire time I been thinking “this is it”, it actually was anything but. 

But there is no need to be alarmed.  Not really.  This is just life.   When we embark on new journey’s, fear is almost instantaneous.  I don’t know  that I’m on a “new” journey so much as a revised one.  One that has suffered several revisions in the course of 8 or so years.  But finally, I have realized my place.  Somewhat.  I’ve wondered what it was I’m supposed to do with my poetry for SO fucking long!!!! Am I open mic girl, do I hit the poetry chicken circuit and go from venue to venue praying ppl to love me enough that the promoters promote me next time?  Do I need to get out of my comfort zone and try harder to fit with the “in” crowd?  Must I slam to gain respect outside of my city?  Do I do colleges?  How will colleges reckognize the gem I believe myself to be?  WHERE DO I FIT IN THIS???????

If you’ve read enough of my blogs, you have seen (or will see) those very sentiments echoed throughout my history of blogging this journey.  The problem has always been, all the questions above, have been met with opposing answers, sans the colleges.  I am not gonna ever be a part of the “in crowd”. I’ve never beenyet still I’ve come this far..i’ve done hard labor hitting open mics nonstop and I will always love and have love for open mics, regardless of whether or not my physical is present.   But I’ve been long convinced that it was bigger than traveling venue to venue for me.  I’ve received a lot of love from lots of people through the years, but truth is, I’ve hardly ever received this outpouring of thunderous applause & love from the audience that makes promoters feel like booking me a second time.  I struggle with feeling forgotten.  I feel like I go places, do a good job, maybe sell some cds, then I’m forgotten about.  People don’t post videos of my performance, they don’t stay in contact or attempt to get me back unless we are “friends/really cool” of some sort.  I’m not complaining, I’m being honest.  My point of this honesty, is that kind of half empty/half full attitude that it leaves me with makes me question what I’m doing.  There is something reviving about hitting the open mics and the truth is, me and quiet self, often can be found laying in the cut and unexpectedly hits the mic, commanding attention. Why wouldn’t I go, especially out of town?  I love to hear other poets, I love the atmosphere and to be in the same place as such talented writers.  So its not about that.  But it is about knowing where I’m supposed to take MY art and what I’m supposed to do with it.  And that is not it.  Colleges will always be on my radar.  No explanation nec. 
So where does that leave me?  Looking and wondering what the heck I was gifted this talent and ability for.   Finally, after crawling, walking, using words that taste like similac when they roll of my tongue, after standing in front of the firing squad, refusing to back down, after taking the hits and the bruises, after supporting all I could in every way I knew how..after the heartbreaks, heartaches, blogs, facebooks, after the free cds and the ones that sold..after all of this.all these tears, prayers, desires and so forth, I have finally been gifted the gift of sight. one would have to have experienced first hand the exquisite pain of wanting to know just where the hell you and your talent fit in this world to totally understand the relief of figuring it out. what i have created can't be forgotten.  not by me or the ppl who see it and are touched by it.  It food for the ego and the soul.  Balance.

Just in time for Christmas.

I can see clearly now.  As if God stepped out of heaven long enough to pass me His glasses and said “take a look my child.”   Saturday, December 17 was a game changer.  I have this wonderful team of people behind me that are helping me, assisting me, learning from me and allowing me to learn from & with them.  You can’t go wrong with a support system.  I worked so hard on last Saturday’s show and to see it all come together and be taken so seriously, so well, made every single tear that dropped during the performance of SS Dream make sense. 

I can see it. 
So many, no, make that too many times I have thought I was loading the Dream Ship.  When all I was really doing was getting on the boat to take me to the ship.  But the boat ALWAYS heads in the wrong direction. Where is that left turn at Albuquerque when you need it?  I think my ship has always been in the middle of the ocean; never at the shore.   I  have tried several times to get on the ship.  A few times I thought I was on it, a few times I tried swimming towards it, but there are sharks in the water.  I’ve even tried bungee jumping on the deck, but I think the cord either broke and I missed the ship or the person securing my rope walked off and I plummeted into the ocean.  Whatever the case,  everytime I have felt THIS secure about something, it came to pass. Somehow, something always happens to make me either rethink my decisions or i see who/what i counted on for whatever reason drop the ball, i.e., walk away from my Bungee Rope...but now...this time, I am so secure, so in belief and support of what I know is going to happen, with such solid (and just a few) ppl with me to assist me, that i could close my eyes, jump into the ocean with my nonswimming ass, and back pedal my way to the boat and still get on it dry.  

I have found my place
My footing
My balance

My  reason to live in NY!!!

I have found so much inside of my very own life.  All the answers have been write there in front of me this entire time.  The irony of Saturday’s show was that in 2010 when I started back recording and  thought I’d be done soon, the idea of a one woman show popped up and I started jotting down some notes and ideas, but of course I lost the focus and forgot the idea.  The idea naturally recycled itself and it wasn’t until I was sitting in front of my laptop waiting on the order of the show to appear in my head a couple of weeks ago, that I opened a random word doc and located all my notes from this same exact idea, that I forgot I already had.  It was meant to be. 
It was meant to happen.
The response has been overwhelming.  The love has been a high.  The support is magical.
The Broadway lights are so bright in my head.  Every day I will remind myself that I am going to Broadway.  I will not lose focus of this.  I will save the 1st quarter details for the blog that actually does talk about the party, but lets just say there is a lot on the horizon. 

And I’m scared.  Just a lil.  Its not uncharted territory but it is different.  It is scary because I feel like I have the power to make this successful.  I am scared at imagining myself on the Broadway stage, but I can’t reach for anything less.  I’m no one’s actress and have never wanted to be.  But I have never performed so gracefully honest and powerful as I did Saturday night.  I felt it in my soul..my voice kept reverberating back into my head and I felt powerful.  I only broke character once and that’s just because I had to.  But the best part is there was little to no acting involved.  These poems were all my poems, my life, my experiences and as much as I want(ed) to turn them into different characters, it kept rotating back to the person it really was; me.  Which made it all the more real.  Tell me that doesn’t have Broadway written all over it.

I will make my own way, my own path and I will be recognized, respected and loved for it.  I am on to something.  And as scary as it is, it is the something I’ve been searching diligently for..its not about cds.  I suck at selling cds.  Its not about open mics.  I don’t always move the crowd with my poems because I have a standard for myself that I will always uphold and that is, you will get what I give you on this stage and if that is not enough, then nothing else I “could’ve” done would have moved you.  I can’t cater to the crowd or myself; I must find the balance in the two.  If you love Brownstone in Brooklyn, why can’t you be open enough to listening to Night At the Delta Roxbury and enjoy it as well.  Why must I keep doing BnB in order to make the night great for us both?  Trust me, allow me to take you on a journey towards upliftment, self love and respect and have fun while doing so.  THAT is what I want to do.  I do not want to be what you “expect’’.  I am a rule breaker.  I do not want to be predictable.  I’m not an angry poet or a male basher.  I’m not an in your face girl or a singer.  I’m just me (Track 2, LDE, get yours today!!). 

This show allows me to be just that: who I am and what you need and want to hear.  All in one package of power and voice.  No gimmicks. 

THIS is Broadway bound.  All I can say is don’t wait for it to get there to see it.  I have finally found my footing. 
And I’m scared a lil bit because I know this is about to take me to that condo that sits just behind where the moon sleeps and in front of the sun’s rising.  But its not a cowering-under-the-kitchen-cabinet fear.  It is a Full Speed Ahead mixture of fear and excitement that is so far removed from pressing stop.  This is what it has been all along.  It took 3 years to make because anytime before now and it wouldn’t have been what it is and/or I wouldn’t have recognized it as such. 
I feel
Free. 
Free to plant my feet on the balance beam.
My first feature, by myself at an Indy open mic venue, was at Writeon.  It was entitled The Tightrope .

It was a great show.

I think I specialize at putting together my own shows that are a mix of old & new, happy & sad poetic musings. 
The Tightrope.

I have FINALLY found my balance.  And you know what.  Its not scary enough.  I wanna push the limits even more. 

****And if my pen should run out of ink, let it be said that if you are looking for me and can’t find me…..its probably because I’m backstage….on Broadway.  THIS is why I dream n color.

janYork 

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