Today was a good day….

Today was a rough day…..

I’m learning not to call ANY day a bad day, because any day you are given life, is a good day.  I read status on facebook of all places that said that, but not in those exact words.  And it stuck with me.  You see stuff all the time that you “like” and keep it moving, but some things actually stick longer than the moment.  That one did.  So this was not a bad day.  This was a great day.  I woke, I worked, I drove, all my body functions are in intact and at the present time, I am at ease enough to blog.   Today was a good day.

but a rough one.  Or at least it had a rough start.   To be honest, I hate that I tweet so much.  I am so comfy with twitter, that I freely tweet REALLY whatever is bugging me or otherwise a bother to my state of happiness.  Which is exactly what I joined twitter for.  But I have been reconsidering my twitter.  Or at least the one I’m using.  I’m up to seventy something followers, which is an extreme amount of people.  I am not on twitter to network.  I do not find twitter useful for networking to be honest; nor do I like it.  Sure I tweet my shows because, well its my twitter, I can tweet what I want!! But I’m not on there for that.  I’m on there to RANT!!!! To rave, love, hate, be pissed, be loving, be kind, be bitchy, be WHATEVER WHENEVER, as I see fit.

Which was cool at first.  And is cool with a few followers. 

Some people should have stayed in the pending list.  For  their own protection.  They shouldn’t be privy to my thoughts or specifically my rants and they shouldn’t be in “the know”…..some things are better left out of the know and I like it like that….that’s why I packed up my neurotic thoughts from facebook and sent them to twitter, where only a few people, not privilidged, but just people who I KNOW won’t create some fantasy world about what I am or am not in their head.  Not to say that’s what people are doing, however, people are people.  Hell, I’m one of them.  So I get it.   I must say, the “branding’’ tweets have stuck in my head.  My brand is  to be myself and be comfy with thyself, however, twitter rants or outloud worries shouldn’t always be viewable to 70 something people. 

And I hate to block people.  I hate to turn people away or leave them hanging in the air like I’m too good to let them follow me, so I sometimes I say yeah if I know who they are or if they are a fb friend I recognize ….*shrug* then they become witnesses!!!

Whats the point.  So I’m contemplating going back to my old twitter, which I never deleted because….well, I like to always have access to past thoughts…..its almost the concept of burning a journal.  I  would never do that.  Yeah…I have let go issues in all my relationships.  I know.  But I hate to seem topsy turvy.  And I don’t want to take a break because I feel like I “need to”.  …I don’t …..this morning was a hard morning.  I’m extremely concerned about a few members of my family.  There are some serious health issues plaguing different members of my family, all at once, and I SUCK COMPLETELY at removing whatever wall is around me and embracing them and offering them the love and respect I feel they deserve.  I contribute poorly to my relationship with my mom and I own that, but I do not know how to change this problem from within me, and it is plaguing me in a bad way right now.   I share that info because this is a part of my journey.  I’m scared.  I’m nervous.  I’m concerned.

But I don’t know how to get it out.

and I could do it easily if it were you.  Whoever you are.  And that is pissing me off.  It makes me feel like half the woman off stage that I am onstage and I’m being so blessed “on” that I don’t want to lose the focus of correcting the “off”, so that at least my role is positive if not anyone else’s…….and…….I tweeted that.  Or at least the remnants of all that swirling in my head. 

I am just tired of feeling alone in shit.  although, as voiced in the previous blog, I’d likely not accept a shoulder leaning for me.  It makes me feel weak.  I have a lot of fears.  A lot of inner fears.  And my determination right now is so strong that it pushes those fears to the side sometimes.  But sometimes, I can’t push.  Or, I’m so high off of life that I relax.  And something will happen and all the fears burst thru and something inside of me begs someone to say they’ve been where I’ve been and lets talk about it.  But that’s not why I tweet.

or is it.

*taps fingers, raises eyebrows*

its whatever…..could be.   I just don’t want to seem like I can’t handle life.  I can.  I don’t often actually lose control and part of my tweeting pattern comes from the things I WISH I had the balls to say to people.  I am OVERLY-concerned with how what I say makes someone else feel.  The gift of the curse.  Hmpph!

 

Well….whatever….its been a good day.  I have successfully done nothing all day.  Tomorrow will be a great day.  I will successfully work two jobs at once; balancing my work and my career.  I’m a bad mamajama!!!

lol

I’m not crazy though….or maybe I am…..im not accepting any new followers though.  I don’t even promote my twitter, I don’t know how people find me….lol….well….sorry guys…nothing personal….just got too many people in the door right now and, well …you know….fire code and stuff like that. 

Today was a good day.

I breathed….wrote this blog…am warm inside.  Have had a good doggie day and I’m hungry but I can make it.  My name is Kendria.  I was named after my g-momma (spelled that way for a reason, NOT, an abbreviation) and my grandfather.   I have had several name changes over the last fifteen or so years, and as of recently, I became know as januarieYork, oneword.  I get a lil crazy, I tweet a lot, I am a poet, a woman, an architect of words, a love and a lover, a broken spirit and a revived soul….a hoosier with the soul of a new yorker and I am powerful, even on the days I don’t know it….I aspire to inspire.  Throughout everything I do….whether its screaming it out on twitter or praying it forwards while driving.  I am above all things, nothing but human.  Perfectly created with only the finest of flaws flown in from Venice.  I’m very random, as are my thoughts.  But when it matters the most, it all gels together and makes sense.  And to know me, is to let me make you laugh. 

 

Because at the end of the rough days, the memory of a laugh is what keeps us going the most.  Judge me if you want, but only if you have correctly identified yourself.  Love buttons!!

jY