|".... something worth dying for^^."|
find . . .
|Photo Credits: Kay Joe Unscripted|
and let the church say:
Sometimes, there is an epiphany so powerful and such a hard smack of reality to the face that it is nearly impossible to believe that you have believed what you have for so long….
or that you have been doing certain things (or people) for so long….
this epiphany causes your life to be highlighted momentarily, brightly enough to for you to come to terms with fate; be it what has happened, what will be the outcome or what needs to be done.
Today, while walking to the gas station and entertaining myself with outloud thoughts, I carelessly threw my voice into raw air and let out what would turn into an epiphany within seconds…
~I spent my ENTIRE 20’s in a relationship~
sorry….I’m watching Sex in the City. ….I write to it sometimes and it just so happened to be the show that entertained my lost emotions when I got out of my last relationship…ironically, back when Small Fries still had love and respect for me, he bought me the entire gift set of the series….I wonder does that mean that I won’t be able to use it to help propel me forward this time. Hmmm….*shrug*
also….the episode I’m watching is called “They Shoot Single People Don’t They” ….its really good….its about what women settle for in order not to be the dreaded “single”….ha! I’m watching it from beginning to end and then on to both movies….by the time I make it all the way thru, I should be well on my way to healing my hurt heart.
so where was i….I don’t know what I did to mess up my format but its whatever. …oh yeah, my epiphany…..so I realized I spent my entire 20’s in a relationship with one of three men, the last of which has made it into the first third of my 30’s. He…THEY cannot have my 30’s. At least not all of them. God I hate to leave. I hate even more to stay. I’m single with a man who is single. I’m confused. I’m down on me but then quickly pick it back up because I realize with clear eyes the woman I am now. Which is a far cry from the woman I was in my 20’s and even the person I was when me and Small Fries met…..but I fucked him up. ….I know it….I changed the rules to relationship and no matter how great of a reason I can come up with, the bottom line is I did some things I shouldn’t have done and in the process, he got REALLY hurt.
and has turned into the good guy that just doesn’t give a shit. He’s not a dog….I don’t want it to seem like he is….he is not….he genuinely a good guy and he was a great guy when we got together and did make it a point to make me smile……apparently he’s a cheat but then, since he doesn’t recognize me even in a friend-form, maybe he’s not cheating. ….even now, when together, we have a great time….and it is that great time that makes this both hard and necessary.
hmmmm….Bradley Cooper is in this episode. Bet his paychecks have changed in the years since. Ha!
well lookie here…I got back to right format…..just in time to tune back into my epiphany…..in my 20’s, I spent a total of about 6 months TOPS, and I wonder if its even less time, single. Period. Dot. Wow. That is crazy. I have never realized that before my walk home today. And further cemented my deal of changing my locks tomorrow. I can’t wait. even thought I do not expect or suspect that he has been or is coming over, I just want that peace of mind and I do not want to request he bring me the key. But I refuse to give him anymore of my years. Any more of my life that he feels is so worthless. I refuse to continue to torture myself with this inane constant fear of being forgotten. Who gives a rats ass if he forgets me? And more than that, that is impossible. I will forever have our loved immortalized on the SAY Something cd, and it is ironically a lot of people’s favorite poem on there. But those days are over. Maybe I did it. Maybe he shouldn’t 'have stayed this long if this is how he wanted to be, but I can tell that punishing me emotionally damn near gives him a hard-on What ever the excuses or reasons or causes, there is only one cure.
My life is worth more…..my love is worth more…..than to continue to spend day in and day out with someone who could care less whether I’m dead or alive…..or at least, has no problem with making me FEEL that way. …I owe it to my uplifting poems that I write with intent to share and LIFT UP females just like me who have learned about love the hard way or wrong way….
And my shoe game is too bad ass to sit around with a dusty muthafucka who doesn’t realize that people grow up and change and deserve to be forgiven OR forgotten. Not both. I will not punish myself any longer.
I will not be this hard on myself again.
I will not let another man who is undeserving of my timeshare, regardless of how he got that way, stick around to stand on me.
I will not let fabulous sex warrant a phone call or text.
I will delete my faux facebook page, and I will move on with my life and not worry about who he is loving, who he is laughing with or how they met. I will not worry about the memory of me or me and him. I will not torture myself.
I will not punish myself.
I will remember myself. my 30’s….and I will live them one of two ways: single OR with someone who ecstatic to be with me.
and let the church say,
Man on top
And this how you like me?
When Im bent over
And your words bait me like mango colored salmon, hooked up in your claws
Your fist kiss my jaws with precision
Knocking cavities to opposite corners, aint this how you like me
Pleading…..nose running, mascara ice skating down moistened cheeks
Don’t you like swollen eyes
Don’t you love swollen eyes, bruised thighs….dont that make you fee llike the man
You run this town
Bumping jeezy in your throwback old scholl but too scared to fight a man so you let your bullets be your conversations
Don’t care about shit
And you like me
Turned on my side, ribs broken
You like sexing after nasty name calling
You like me when I’m crying
Folded in four years tantrums, but frozen to the corner due to injury
And that makes you wanna sleep with me
Cause look at me, ain’t I sexy….
Ain’t I sexy
Make up smeared, hair trashed, stash of cleavage broken by sweat mixed drips of my hemoglobin
Break my nose into a model
Ain’t that how you like it
This submission, you don’t need no reason
You don’t need no reason
Because is there a possible reason for me to lay solidly on soft white quilted shadows, 25 watt bulbs to hide the facial scars that could be fixed thru the Maybelline
Hair covering the gunshot to the temple
Don’t you like it when Im dead
Don’t you love you me when I’m dead
Ain’t this how you like me .
Freewrite, 10:39 pm
So this is a freewrite I just had, before I go to bed…I’m glad to see my writing coming back….some of it may not make sense….because it’s a freewrite….and normally I wouldn’t post a freewrite that I know is scatterbrained and kinda eh, ya know…. *simpleshrug* but I’m posting this because I intend on working on this later…im headed to bed…so..i’m posting this to so you can see the progress of me morphing a freewrite into a poem ready to perform….so this…is the raw uncut, unedited, version one. I usually don’t have a lot of versions, but , I haven’t really been writing much at all….so I’m prepared for whatever…not gonna post every version, but I figure this is a cool little journey to go on together…..also, I’m looking for suggestions on what I should challenge myself to do for the next 28 days, since its already the first….i don’t know what to do….the 31 days of januarie was not always easy, but I managed to get them all in there ….i didn’t blog to keep with it….*shrug*…still got some work to do there…so….maybe I should continue to work on self-discipline ??
If so, what??/
Taking suggestions…and of course you can just remain silent *final shrug*