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| ".... something worth dying for^^." |
...........
“you have
to
find . . .
to
find . . .
....
Eat. Pray. Love. Live. Part Deux
Ok…..i’m on yet another journey. I usually like to start stuff like this at
the beginning of the month or a the week or whatever. But this one is different. It is mentally in high demand that I take a
moment and explore myself deeper than I did previously. I think the first time I did this, it can be
agreed upon that I just LIVED ….or at least a little bit more than I did any of
the rest of it….praying, loving, eating….
Well I definitely ate.
But this time…I want to take it totally serious. I want to do the entire journey, not just
bits and pieces of it. I do not know
when exactly I will start it, as I am currently mapping out the blueprint for
it, which is something I didn’t have last time.
I mean, I had a general idea of what I wanted to do….eat, pray, live and
love, but I didn’t have like a real blueprint to tell me how to do it….i was just coasting…going
as I was naturally going and hoping that in the process, I would be eating,
praying, loving and living. And I did
manage to do that for a bit, but now, I need something solid from this….i’ am
trying to get somewhere with my art, my life and my heart. I am in a transitional stage; one I haven’t
been in for a long time. After recently
letting go of Mr. Small Fries, buying new door locks, changing my sheets from
boo-hoo’s to 300 thread counts, bought a cute lamp for my bedroom, a new pillow
and trying to mentally make this as easy on myself as I can, I know now more
than ever that I need mental cleaning. I
am heart broken more by a friend than I am by him, but the fact that I am used
to having him around makes for an odd adjustment period. The fact that he is completely ok with
losing me hurts the most, but I can’t go back because I don’t want to
acknowledge that he doesn’t care anymore.
I want to be loved in the same way I see love being passed around with
other people. So …..the change has
already begun. But let me tell you, last
night was truly a hard night…i. laid stretched out on those new silky ass
sheets and craved his body next to me so bad, I felt like a true addict. All I could do was light up TheHealthyCure
and turn up Unsung on Alexander Oneal….looking at his mouth is a surefire way
to dry up the wettest DownBelow area……..for a good ten minutes, I laid flat on
my back imagining how grand the sex would be on these soft sheets, after not
talking for nearly a week….how good his touch would be if it were running along
my legs….how tight he would hold me…..i know he would have held me tight,
especially throughout the night….he loves the mixed signals…I think they turn
him on….i kept hearing that small voice tell me to just call him, don’t let him
past the living room, have erotic passionate sex with him and put his ass out…..i
knew it wouldn’t work like that….so I left my phone alone.
Spent the night alone.
Saved my friskyness for someone that will appreciate more than just the
fact that I am a fabulous bed friend….and I am.
I know it. But I can’t rely on
that….i got so fabulous because I been with someone on and off for six years…..we
KNOW each other….fabulous sex is hardly ever from strangers. So.
Paulie Pipes it will continue to be.
Then there is the noise.
I have a lot of that in my head that is stopping me, in my opinion, from
getting to the next step and that must change as well. So I would like to practice meditation. I tried to do it a few days ago for five
minutes before I opened the email that
would tell me that my play wasn’t considered good enough for DivaFest, which is
just fine by me……..i am surprised by my lack of hurt by this situation….but
whatever the case, I still know I need the noise to dissipate from my head so I
can get on to the next space…..i possibly blogged about that a few days ago,
but I cant remember…..
So this journey.
This new eat.pray.love.live. journey is about mapping out
a blueprint and knowing what I want out of it and looking for the results in
real life. I shall share the blueprint I
come up with and I invite any of you/all of you to join me on this journey….feel
free to explore yourself as I explore mine….feel free to use my blueprint and
see what we may come out with. My
journey will end April 1, 2012. I want
to journey all the way through Women’s Month.
But I want to start very soon. So
hopefully, Monday ish, I can….idk….we’ll see.
As for right now.
I just want to get to the next level. I do believe I have another chance at making
shit pop for me and my world of PoetGirl.
But it will deflate if I can’t get my mind right and I know that. So….as I begin a new challenge and let go of
lots of past, I ask for prayer, comments, thoughts, ideas….anything…..i’m not “in
need”…I’m not breaking down or going crazy…I’m just trying to get stronger and
more complete within self. I want to
spiritually GROW and I want to be able to not have a public meltdown when shit
is spinning out of control. I want to
be. I don’t want to hold onto things or
people, past their due dates…..i don’t want to feel bad for how I feel or for
who hurts me….i don’t want to explain shit.
I just want to be. If you hurt
me, I want to be. If you love me, I want
to be. I don’t want either of the two to
“make me” ….in any way.
God willing, I will succeed at all of this.
As for right now…..i am creating the blueprint to my
future.
Join me?
“because on a journey amongst thieves, you have to
find something worth dying for"
~janYork, Just a Poete
i feel like i've been on a journey of sorts also. i totally feel where you're coming from, for me, i think b/c im stuck in this limbo between college student and full fledged adult i get scared from time to time and maybe that stunts my growth. i just feel like this moment is a good a time as any to establish what we really want out of life and then start applying ourselves. :)
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