i am moments away from going to vote.....this morning, i woke up with this woman on my mind....her brothers, sisters, friends and cousins were also on my mind.....the struggles they went through, the things they experienced, the literacy tests, the hoses, dogs and death.....the beatings.....the cruel and unusual punishment for being born black.....i remembered those people when i voted for Obama two years ago.....
i am not a huge political person....never have been, never will be, although i do understand the importance of it, and i guess i keep a "genera knowledge" of whats going on ....i know about the tea party, the republicans, how the democrats seem to be split up on different sides....i know about my man Obama and i get it...i get the importance of it all.....
however.
here comes the "but"
i am not convinced.....it has nothing to do with my vote not counting or none of that...i just havent seen or heard of anyone that i am secure enough in or confident enough in, to want to vote for......apparently, i am the ONLY person in america right now with that issue.....all across facebook there are posts and quotes about people who dont vote......people not having the right to complain or say anything about anything if they dont vote.....and i find it interesting, that even after the election is long passed, people will still make posts advising people not to complain about stuff.....to get off their asses and do something.....and at that point, it will have nothing to do with voting....its about judgement.....i live in a judgemental society.....i often use the term "we" loosely, opting to forget that everything does not include me.....but it is what it is....i dont fault anyone for their opinions.....they have a right to them, as much as i have a right to write this blog......but i have this one question that has been ailing me for weeks now......
when you dont have anyone you trust to give your vote to, what good are you doing to vote? Ancestors removed from this equation for now, what good am i doing my society by voting for people who, typically in the end, do the opposite of what they say they will......should i go down the list and vote all democrat since that is the party i mostly identify with....i dont consider myself either democrat or republican....i am essentially, party-less.......
and it pains me to feel this way.....i dont need no one to "like" my posts or my comments in order for me to feel better or comfy, but i do wish people would be a little more honest with themselves, or at least share with me who they are voting for and why.....maybe that would shed some light on this dark ass closet of "voting because my ancestors died" that i am trapped in......i do not want the tea party or the republicans to come and overthrow Obama and the poor/middle class (whats left of them) .....i do understand why my vote is important....it isnt about that......but it IS about being convinced.....for me it is.
i am party-less and apparently class-less, as i do not identify wholely with middle or lower class...i am definitely not rich....i am a struggling artist who probably owes the IRS more than i wish to admit.....i have looked for the gov't to save me a few different times since i was grown, and i must say, despite all the drama that goes along with it, they did save my ass.....i have been on food stamps, i have had energy assistance help me, i have even gone to the trustee's before, although i cant remember them ever helping do nothing more than throw up a middle finger and forcing me to make a way out of no way, however, the importance of a fair gov't and system is not something i am out of the loop on....i do think it sucks ass that i have helped pay for a stadium that has been up for like three years, and i have yet to see more than the outside shell of it.....
i think the school system, at least public, is full of shit, as are the graduation numbers, i think the closing of libraries and paying to save a team that never wins is bullshit....so again, i understand without a doubt the importance of voting.....i do....but what do you do, when u dont like or trust the candidates.....
vote for the best of the worst? ....the ones with the most promise or greatest ads? maybe what needs to happen is i need to become more educated politically.....but its too late for today.....maybe that was an epiphany i should have had at least a week ago, but i didnt.....truth is what it is.....so do i vote the people that will give me the least to complain about, because the complaints are going to roll in regardless and i dont mean by me...i make statements, but like i said, i am not big into politics and up until now, have only voted in presidential elections....
but...i'd feel like less of the woman i trying to morph into if i didnt vote.....everyone around me is voting, which does nothing to effect my decision, especially since they arent sharing who they are voting for.....but i do wonder will the pitchfork crew show up at my doorstep if i dont go put in a ballod.....i do wonder if i had even gone blindedfolded and checked all the names one side of the ballod, would that be better than doing nothing and watching the leaning tower of america collapse into the thousands of pieces i think it will fall into anyway....with that said, i have officially made the decision.....
i wont let the fact that i am cramping like Braxton Hicks keep me in bed....i will be dressed and out shortly and i will be voting.....but.....who i am voting for is still up in the air.....i do know i am NOT voting republican anything.....im too poor for that.....but the uneasyness ( i love creating words) is almost nauseating.....i remember 2008 like yesterday.....watching the polls, waiting for the outcome....i remember being at the studio at rehearsal with FW and we periodically ran to the hallway and stood and watched as the numbers came in and were counted....i never felt so alive in my vote...i stood in a line for at least two hours to put that Obama vote in....nothing could stop me....i was confident, i was secure, not in question or denial....i knew the importance, i knew the ancestor history, i know the difference i would and could make and i was dead set in doing so.....nothing....
and i do mean nothing
could have stopped me that day......this day is quite unlike that....the only thing i have with me are those images of my people taking literacy tests that they could not pass because they couldnt read, because they couldnt go to school because they were black and shouldnt have been free anyway.....thats what i am taking to the polls with me....i might throw "Without Sanctuary" in my bag so if there is a long line, i can look through it and remember first hand, my people's dying love for me.....even though that book has nothing to do with "voting" per say, it was only a matter of time before the children of those people that survived that era, would be standing in lines to vote only to be turned away.... I AM VOTING.
that is not up for question anymore.....
but who to vote for is still ....today my facebook post read "to vote or not to vote....guess i'll blog my feelings and vote anyway....team democrat? team Obama? team Carson!! #StillNotConvincedButVotingAnyway"
.....one of the few comments posted suggested i not be "team anyone" and go with what my conscience tells me.....i found that almost laughable considering my conscience is what is torn the most.....geez.....and on top of that, who said i wasnt team Obama, because i am and will ALWAYS be.....i AM team carson.....what i am not is team democrat but that is based on the split of the democrats over Obama's healthcare plan and everything else, which btw, i support....i am one of the millions of americans without healthcare and the minimum wage job i just took wouldnt allow me to afford it, but then since i am a seasonal employee, i am not even offered it......
this is a judgmental society i live in, like i said earlier....folks dont know whats going on in a person's mind or life unless they ask.....which they usually dont.....i have learned to label it the ten fingers and broken mirrors concept....think i'll try to turn that into a three minutes worth of poetic conversation....my vote will count....if not in office, it willl count to the ghosts of those that surround me.... and i know they surround me because i woke up thinking of them .....i am voting soley because of them.....not because i believe it will make the slightest difference......and its not that i believe it wont make a difference.....if votes didnt matter, i dont think Obama would be in office, even though there are some people who feel like that was strategic to let the black man in office when the office is in the shitter......who knows.....
i am team Jesus.....but he's not running in this election.....i do not believe in the new world order or that the gov't is conspiring to take over all of our lives, although i believe the gov't has a lot more shade than it does sunshine.....i am not sure how i winded up feeling so lonely on this limb of mine, but since everyone else has it all figured out, surely to goodness, i will be able to figure out something before i turn in that long ass piece of paper bullshit....the only thing i know to do, is try to stop the republicans from taking over and turning everyone not affiliated to them into poor, desolate bums....
i know there will probably never be another election that i am as confident about, as i was in 2008.....i know once Obama's first term is up, the election process will be a shit storm and i am undeniably gonna be right in the middle of it waving my Obama vote (if he runs again) and my middle finger towards the republicans.....but this year, i suck.....plain and simple....
i am not confident
i am not sure or positive
and i am not convinced....by mostly anyone.
but i am voting.
regardless
i am voting....for lack of better word.
because the lady at the top of this blog wanted me to.....i just hope whatever happens, i manage to pull this off and leave the polls feeling better than i did when i went in....
guess i'll have to pray over the ballod sheet.....
