A Christmas Story #Circa2011

I didn’t open a single gift on Christmas for the first time in my life.  I was gifted a bag, with a box inside (which turned out to be a heater for my desk that works great but was essentially a walgreen’s gift for Saks Ave woman), but it didn’t even have tissue paper to cover it.  I guess Small Fries made an executive decision to spend as little as he possibly could and still get me something that I would halfway not complain about because I wanted it anyway.  Well, it worked.  I haven’t complained but I did offer, very clearly, the chance for self-redemption.   My bday is a few weeks and if Small Fries can correctly pull of the fifty dollar gift I want, then I will forget that he bought my Christmas Gift from someone selling heating units in front of the gas station.  Yeah, this is my life. This is why I say folks don’t understand the personal turmoil I am in.  Lots of it, I continuously allow myself to be in, but it doesn’t make it any less turmoil.  It just makes me have a hand in the concoction of it.  I’ve gone from a woman who was got diamonds for Christmas to a woman who gets Walgreens.  To say I’ve grown as a woman and shrank as a girlfriend is false.  I have grown as a girlfriend, but, I am no one’s girlfriend.  I am simply a lover and a filler flower.  I know my place.  I know what lane I’m traveling in.  I want to park the car, but truth is, I’m fearful that no other man out here is interested in me in anyway outside of being his “sister”, that I lay stagnant with the person I can 100% be myself around, all while knowing I am sacrificing my heart and pieces of my sanity in doing so.  But.that is far from what this post is about.  So, I digress. 

I didn’t open anything from Christmas.  Not from friends, family or strangers.  I also didn’t put up a tree, didn’t see anyone outside of family, didn’t do ANY Christmas shopping, which are all first for me for as long as I can remember.  This was a very different Christmas.  I spent most of it parked on the couch, watching Nip/Tuck.  It was sunny and unseasonably warm for December outside.  Nothing about it felt like ANY of the Christmas’ prior.  There wasn’t a gift in sight or a Santa for miles. 

Yes, this was a different type of Christmas. 

In life, you have to count your blessings.  You have to see them, for what they are, where they are, when they are, and realize that blessings are tiny pieces of sparkle that fall from Heaven’s grace, into your lap and touch so you barely.so lightly and almost fickle, that if your blink lasts too long, you run the risk of not realizing you were blessed.  Blessings don’t come on Christmas Day simply because the rest of the world is out here boosting the economy.  The biggest blessings aren’t gift wrapped under a tree or falling out of Santa’s broken bookbag as he stuffs himself down your chimney.  Blessings are blessings.  And they come when God sees fit.  If that day just so happens to coincide with a day deemed important, either by you or society, then congratulations, you are in luck!! But sometimes, they don’t coincide with anything..except for time.  Timing is never perfect but always just right for a blessing.  This Christmas, I didn’t open a single gift from anyone except for Small Fries and that one, though needed, left me feeling slighted and quite possibly disrespected but againI digress.

And before I let you continuing to think this blog is a complaint about not being able to open some pretty gift wrap and then trash it and sit my gift in the closet, to be forgotten about until I am randomly searching for something totally unrelated at a later date, let me get to the meat of the menu.

Christmas for januarie was not on the 25th.  Christmas came twice for me this year.  It was wrapped in love’s cloth and hand delivered by over 100 Santa Clauses, not dressed the part.  The tree, fully decorated and well lit, sat on the stage at writeon the poetry spot.  Christmas for me, was December 17 & December 23rd.  Those two nights were the nights great Christmas’ are made of.  Without going into too many details, beause if you were there, you would certainly already know, I created and executed my now poetry stage show, The Exquisite Pain, successfully, to a room full of people, two weeks in a row.  For two straight weeks, one Saturday and one Friday, I had managed to pack out writeon with great like minds.  CDs were bought, sold out.Unity Sand was shared.  Laughter and seriousness were standing in the room with us.  We cried internally and blurted out one liners like “GO HARD NSAY!”..two totally different rooms of people, gathered to celebrate the work of me and both times ended in a standing ovation.  Both times were greeted the following days with messages of inspiration and love.

 Apparently, I have the gift in my hand.  The gift of being a blessing to other people.  The gift of words and articulating self in worldly understanding way.  The gift of making people laugh and think all at once.  The gift of honest and as repeatedly stated to me, Transparency.  I have the gift.  What could I have opened on Christmas that would have been more indefinitely fulfilling as that? 

My people, my community, my peers and even some of my family, all were there to support me.  To see the vision I had worked so hard to create.  When something was missing, Kevin (writeon), was Johnny on the Spot with the backup.  When the vase for the unity sand was forgotten, it was Kevin that found me TWO replacements.  When the mirror for the second show was unavailable, Kevin stepped in and found me a grand mirror so there was no need to pretend.  Outside of Kevin, there was my dream team behind the scenes clocking shit!!! Anitra Malone, Toni Brown, Victoria, Courtney Cage, Ro and Unwritten Lines all came together at some point, and helped me get this vision to the forefront of the people who appeared on the edge of their seats waiting to see what would happen.  From helping me stuff giftbags to selling my CDs, to participating, these women helped me give them The Exquisite Pain.  I don’t have to speculate one what would’ve/could’ve happened if they weren’t available.  That is not the case so there is no need to create what didn’t exist.  They were there.  They were available and they did help. 

Gifts from the biggest and most fabulous cake I have had since my bday last year to a shirt w/my CD cover on it to people wearing shirts with my CD cover on it, to writeon hanging up a shirt w/my cd cover on it to gifts from the East Coast, including my own Oscar Bradley with my name on the gold marquee; blessed and gifted are two understatements for what I am. 

I wanted something different.  I wanted something French.  I wanted something honest, low on gimmicks and above all things, poetic.  And I got it.  I did it.  Myself.  I came up with the show idea on my own, randomly and what started out as an attempt to spice up what happens at a CD Release Party, has now turned into a full show with its destination set on Broadway.  All the reviews of the cd & show have been great.  The amount of poetic energy that was on the stage from those who wanted to but couldn’t make it was power in its own right.   The weather was full of sunshine and snow-free.  The day was low on the stress but stress was definitely available for the taking.  It was everything I prayed it to be and more.  The people who have supported me the most were there.  The only thing missing was Small Fries.  But I didn’t expect him there.  He doesn’t understand the concept of realizing when a girl turns into a woman while you are dating and how to respect it.  That’s my own shit I got get away from.  The bone in my closet that just won’t fucking break.  But even his absence didn’t matter..actually it never does.  The only real thing that was missing was the Beefcake I was searching for to carry me to the stage shirtless, but that’s ok too. 

Two weeks in a row, I dominated.  I did my thing and came out proudly on top of my game.  I called that #Winning #FirstPlacing #OpeningChristmasPresents

That was the epitome of love.  The first night was magical.  The second time I was worried but it came out just as dreamy.  I have no complaints.  It ALL came together perfect.

It was indeed a different type of Christmas. 

I hadn’t spoken to my mom since Thanksgiving Eve. Christmas Eve brought us our first phone conversation in over a month.  Christmas Day brought us our first visit since early Nov (or maybe even Oct to be honest).  It had been awhile since I saw my mom/neighbor.  Whatever that sounds/reads like, it is the total opposite in my heart.  I feel a digress coming along.

I spent a few hours or so over my moms.  I ate well, laughed, played with her nice little bird and kicked it with her and my g-momma for a while.  It felt like forty monkeys climbing off of my back.  It felt good.  A few times I wanted to cry, just based off the fact that in a room of 3 generations of women, someone has to be the first to die.  We’ve wasted SO much time.  So much.  We’ll never get it back or make up for it.  Its impossible.  But it was the only other gift I could’ve received on Christmas.  I don’t get along often enough with my mom, and when we are on the outs, it eats away at me little by little.  So this was perfect.  Hopefully, I can do my part to keep that camaraderie going.   

I didn’t open a single present this year.  Not money, not body spray; nothing.  Oh yeah, the heater for my office.  I got that and I love my office now.  But there was nothing under the tree that stayed in its container for the first time since 2004 when I bought it. 

Christmas was definitely a lil different this year. 

But what is a Christmas light to the Sun??? Nothing.  I am the Sun. 

For two weeks in a row, I was gifted the ability to command an audience so profoundly with such an honesty that halted the usage of any cell phone device or side conversation.  For two weeks in a row, I packed the house.  For two weeks in a row, I brought my own self to tears with my own words because as much as I tried to hide behind character names, when its you, its you all the way.  I made the determination before the show that every poem I chose would be PERFORMED; but not like an actor who pairs the crying voice with tearless eyes.  But more like the woman, who wrote and lived every fucking word coming out of her mouth. 

I became …
I stared myself in the face and spit poem after poem and looked myself in the eyes while doing so, breaking character only once, but never breaking away from my audience.  I was successful.

There isn’t anything that honestly could have spent time under anyone’s tree that would have made me feel more blessed and joyful internally.  Happiness depends on what happens, or so I heard at church once before.  Happiness is an office heater.  When its on, its working, but when its off, no one is smiling.  Cold shoulders become heated arguments.  But internal joy, however it is you must find it, sustains and lasts even through weatherization.  Blessings come in many forms.  Many ways.  So do Christmas Gifts.  This year, my biggest lesson was not taught by what I did not receive or get to open on Christmas day.  My biggest lesson came from the many gifts left to me by some strangers, some supporters and all my peers. 

Respect. Love. Understanding.  Support. 


Today was a good day….

Today was a rough day…..

I’m learning not to call ANY day a bad day, because any day you are given life, is a good day.  I read status on facebook of all places that said that, but not in those exact words.  And it stuck with me.  You see stuff all the time that you “like” and keep it moving, but some things actually stick longer than the moment.  That one did.  So this was not a bad day.  This was a great day.  I woke, I worked, I drove, all my body functions are in intact and at the present time, I am at ease enough to blog.   Today was a good day.

but a rough one.  Or at least it had a rough start.   To be honest, I hate that I tweet so much.  I am so comfy with twitter, that I freely tweet REALLY whatever is bugging me or otherwise a bother to my state of happiness.  Which is exactly what I joined twitter for.  But I have been reconsidering my twitter.  Or at least the one I’m using.  I’m up to seventy something followers, which is an extreme amount of people.  I am not on twitter to network.  I do not find twitter useful for networking to be honest; nor do I like it.  Sure I tweet my shows because, well its my twitter, I can tweet what I want!! But I’m not on there for that.  I’m on there to RANT!!!! To rave, love, hate, be pissed, be loving, be kind, be bitchy, be WHATEVER WHENEVER, as I see fit.

Which was cool at first.  And is cool with a few followers. 

Some people should have stayed in the pending list.  For  their own protection.  They shouldn’t be privy to my thoughts or specifically my rants and they shouldn’t be in “the know”…..some things are better left out of the know and I like it like that….that’s why I packed up my neurotic thoughts from facebook and sent them to twitter, where only a few people, not privilidged, but just people who I KNOW won’t create some fantasy world about what I am or am not in their head.  Not to say that’s what people are doing, however, people are people.  Hell, I’m one of them.  So I get it.   I must say, the “branding’’ tweets have stuck in my head.  My brand is  to be myself and be comfy with thyself, however, twitter rants or outloud worries shouldn’t always be viewable to 70 something people. 

And I hate to block people.  I hate to turn people away or leave them hanging in the air like I’m too good to let them follow me, so I sometimes I say yeah if I know who they are or if they are a fb friend I recognize ….*shrug* then they become witnesses!!!

Whats the point.  So I’m contemplating going back to my old twitter, which I never deleted because….well, I like to always have access to past thoughts…..its almost the concept of burning a journal.  I  would never do that.  Yeah…I have let go issues in all my relationships.  I know.  But I hate to seem topsy turvy.  And I don’t want to take a break because I feel like I “need to”.  …I don’t …..this morning was a hard morning.  I’m extremely concerned about a few members of my family.  There are some serious health issues plaguing different members of my family, all at once, and I SUCK COMPLETELY at removing whatever wall is around me and embracing them and offering them the love and respect I feel they deserve.  I contribute poorly to my relationship with my mom and I own that, but I do not know how to change this problem from within me, and it is plaguing me in a bad way right now.   I share that info because this is a part of my journey.  I’m scared.  I’m nervous.  I’m concerned.

But I don’t know how to get it out.

and I could do it easily if it were you.  Whoever you are.  And that is pissing me off.  It makes me feel like half the woman off stage that I am onstage and I’m being so blessed “on” that I don’t want to lose the focus of correcting the “off”, so that at least my role is positive if not anyone else’s…….and…….I tweeted that.  Or at least the remnants of all that swirling in my head. 

I am just tired of feeling alone in shit.  although, as voiced in the previous blog, I’d likely not accept a shoulder leaning for me.  It makes me feel weak.  I have a lot of fears.  A lot of inner fears.  And my determination right now is so strong that it pushes those fears to the side sometimes.  But sometimes, I can’t push.  Or, I’m so high off of life that I relax.  And something will happen and all the fears burst thru and something inside of me begs someone to say they’ve been where I’ve been and lets talk about it.  But that’s not why I tweet.

or is it.

*taps fingers, raises eyebrows*

its whatever…..could be.   I just don’t want to seem like I can’t handle life.  I can.  I don’t often actually lose control and part of my tweeting pattern comes from the things I WISH I had the balls to say to people.  I am OVERLY-concerned with how what I say makes someone else feel.  The gift of the curse.  Hmpph!


Well….whatever….its been a good day.  I have successfully done nothing all day.  Tomorrow will be a great day.  I will successfully work two jobs at once; balancing my work and my career.  I’m a bad mamajama!!!


I’m not crazy though….or maybe I am…..im not accepting any new followers though.  I don’t even promote my twitter, I don’t know how people find me….lol….well….sorry guys…nothing personal….just got too many people in the door right now and, well …you know….fire code and stuff like that. 

Today was a good day.

I breathed….wrote this blog…am warm inside.  Have had a good doggie day and I’m hungry but I can make it.  My name is Kendria.  I was named after my g-momma (spelled that way for a reason, NOT, an abbreviation) and my grandfather.   I have had several name changes over the last fifteen or so years, and as of recently, I became know as januarieYork, oneword.  I get a lil crazy, I tweet a lot, I am a poet, a woman, an architect of words, a love and a lover, a broken spirit and a revived soul….a hoosier with the soul of a new yorker and I am powerful, even on the days I don’t know it….I aspire to inspire.  Throughout everything I do….whether its screaming it out on twitter or praying it forwards while driving.  I am above all things, nothing but human.  Perfectly created with only the finest of flaws flown in from Venice.  I’m very random, as are my thoughts.  But when it matters the most, it all gels together and makes sense.  And to know me, is to let me make you laugh. 


Because at the end of the rough days, the memory of a laugh is what keeps us going the most.  Judge me if you want, but only if you have correctly identified yourself.  Love buttons!!



i told God i would stay legality free for the month of january if He helped me get past that test.

i'm on my last week.

gonna be hard to say goodbye to mellow
and hello the uncut version.

be prepared for the blog series:

UnCutLife: Legality free


A Month of januarie

I try as many creative ways as possible to market myself because i suck at marketing myself however, 2012 is all about campaigning....if i want to be successful and not be forced to work in corporate america, then i have to alter that. so.  With that said, if you are not interested, no problem.  Feel free to untag yourself and allow me to apologize for disturbing your facebook experience.  To everyone else, please feel free to share this note as much as humanly possible.  Love you!!!
7:30 PM – The Black Apple 615 Mass Ave (dwntwn)
-         I will be performing at the Christmas party for the Black Apple.  You never know what you will hear, but if you are free, come on through.  It’s a great boutique, black woman –owned and operated.  Tricee is a fabulous stylist and the heart of NYC lies within those walls and you feel it instantly.  What better place for me to be???  Come get a dose of  jY at the Black Apple THIS FRIDAY, 730PM!!!! Hope to see you there!!!

9:30PM – WriteOn The Poetry Spot
-         After wrapping up the Christmas Party at the Black Apple, I will be headed to the northwest side to do a re-enactment of  The eXquisite Pain: the poetic stage show.   No two shows are exactly the same so even if you saw the first one, you may benefit from seeing this one as well.  Come check out what the buzz is all about!!!! This show is guaranteed to lift your spirits in one way or another!! Get your copy of La Douleur eXquise !!!!

New Years Eve – The Black Apple 614 Mass Ave

-         Back at the Apple to ring in the New Years as close to New York as I can get.  Come party and celebrate the new year with us as we do hang out, enjoy some good wine, listen to some great poetry and familiarize ourselves with love, laughter and fellowship.  Family & friend oriented event!!!!! If you have nothing to do for NY’s, this would be a great way to celebrate with class, style & fun!!!

1st Quarter 2012 – The Xquisite Pain Poetic One Woman Show

-         So it’s the new year and you STILL have yet to see the play. …oR, maybe you need to see it again or see a new version of it.  Well don’t fret….your chance is creeping up the horizon.  The show will premiere again at a different venue, with a few additional surprises guaranteed to make you smile!!! Tickets will be onsale early 2012 and the venue/date will be announced 1/23/12 (my bday)!!  Tell all your friends if they have yet to see it, they need to.  Its not about it being poetry; its about it being uplifting.  Share Share Share

Daily – 2011/2012 – La Douleur eXquise

-         La Douleur eXquise (the eXquisite Pain) CDs are onsale.  If you are not located in Indiana, inbox me for paypal information until the cd is loaded on amazon and other outlets.  In the meantime, cop yours now!!!  Free shipping !!! Ten dollar cds for a million dollar upliftment!!!! Possibly one of the greatest spoken word cds to be released, you need yours NOW!!! Prices will change once cds are loaded online.  GET YOURS TODAY!!!!

2nd/3rd Quarter 2012 – DysISfunctional – a book about finding functionality in a world of dysfunction. 

-         you will NOT want to miss this book.  One of a kind book of poetry  and stories that will make you laugh, cry and even ask yourself what would/should I do?  This one you won’t want to miss as well.  Stay tuned!!!


And If My Pen Should Run Out Of Ink
        a blog of the journey of one PoetGirl in search of herself and her life’s mission.  Regularly updated.

Sincerely Yours, (Recipes for LovingLife)
- a blog in recipe format to help inspire you of ways to enjoy life!!! From the most simple to the random complex ideas, something in this blog is waiting on you to recreate.  Go have a look at what it is so you can do it!!!!  Updates to resume soon and become regular.

You Have The Right to Remain Vocal
-         a blog of vocal abilities.  What is you need to say? What do you want to say?  What shouldn’t you say but you feel anyway?  Whatever the case, these blogs, all done in letter forms to the person(s) of your choice, will make you laugh/feel/understand and more!!! From a mother to her aborted fetus to a woman in conversation with a wedding dress, one is liable to find a letter to anything.  Submit ideas to address!!! Participate, comment, follow!!!! 

Don’t forget to Like the artist page to stay in the know of everything and don’t be  too shy to join me on Reverbnation as well!!! Love to you all!!! We are going places….the moon….

The stars….
And all things above it!! LetsGrOw!


Balancing Beams, Tightropes & Broadway

Have you ever been scared to succeed?  Have you ever felt like you had just been given all the tools and support you needed to succeed and in turn felt almost as if it was struggle to stay on track?  And not for any other reason than it being second nature for you to fail? 

Well that is me.  Right now. 
I’m there.  I’m here.  I’m everywhere.
And I’m scared.
Not cowering-under-the-bed scared.  But more of a nervous scared.  A silent wonder of what ball will drop and pull the rug from beneath me?  What will happen that will through me off course or better yet, what will happen that will show & prove to me that this entire time I been thinking “this is it”, it actually was anything but. 

But there is no need to be alarmed.  Not really.  This is just life.   When we embark on new journey’s, fear is almost instantaneous.  I don’t know  that I’m on a “new” journey so much as a revised one.  One that has suffered several revisions in the course of 8 or so years.  But finally, I have realized my place.  Somewhat.  I’ve wondered what it was I’m supposed to do with my poetry for SO fucking long!!!! Am I open mic girl, do I hit the poetry chicken circuit and go from venue to venue praying ppl to love me enough that the promoters promote me next time?  Do I need to get out of my comfort zone and try harder to fit with the “in” crowd?  Must I slam to gain respect outside of my city?  Do I do colleges?  How will colleges reckognize the gem I believe myself to be?  WHERE DO I FIT IN THIS???????

If you’ve read enough of my blogs, you have seen (or will see) those very sentiments echoed throughout my history of blogging this journey.  The problem has always been, all the questions above, have been met with opposing answers, sans the colleges.  I am not gonna ever be a part of the “in crowd”. I’ve never beenyet still I’ve come this far..i’ve done hard labor hitting open mics nonstop and I will always love and have love for open mics, regardless of whether or not my physical is present.   But I’ve been long convinced that it was bigger than traveling venue to venue for me.  I’ve received a lot of love from lots of people through the years, but truth is, I’ve hardly ever received this outpouring of thunderous applause & love from the audience that makes promoters feel like booking me a second time.  I struggle with feeling forgotten.  I feel like I go places, do a good job, maybe sell some cds, then I’m forgotten about.  People don’t post videos of my performance, they don’t stay in contact or attempt to get me back unless we are “friends/really cool” of some sort.  I’m not complaining, I’m being honest.  My point of this honesty, is that kind of half empty/half full attitude that it leaves me with makes me question what I’m doing.  There is something reviving about hitting the open mics and the truth is, me and quiet self, often can be found laying in the cut and unexpectedly hits the mic, commanding attention. Why wouldn’t I go, especially out of town?  I love to hear other poets, I love the atmosphere and to be in the same place as such talented writers.  So its not about that.  But it is about knowing where I’m supposed to take MY art and what I’m supposed to do with it.  And that is not it.  Colleges will always be on my radar.  No explanation nec. 
So where does that leave me?  Looking and wondering what the heck I was gifted this talent and ability for.   Finally, after crawling, walking, using words that taste like similac when they roll of my tongue, after standing in front of the firing squad, refusing to back down, after taking the hits and the bruises, after supporting all I could in every way I knew how..after the heartbreaks, heartaches, blogs, facebooks, after the free cds and the ones that sold..after all of this.all these tears, prayers, desires and so forth, I have finally been gifted the gift of sight. one would have to have experienced first hand the exquisite pain of wanting to know just where the hell you and your talent fit in this world to totally understand the relief of figuring it out. what i have created can't be forgotten.  not by me or the ppl who see it and are touched by it.  It food for the ego and the soul.  Balance.

Just in time for Christmas.

I can see clearly now.  As if God stepped out of heaven long enough to pass me His glasses and said “take a look my child.”   Saturday, December 17 was a game changer.  I have this wonderful team of people behind me that are helping me, assisting me, learning from me and allowing me to learn from & with them.  You can’t go wrong with a support system.  I worked so hard on last Saturday’s show and to see it all come together and be taken so seriously, so well, made every single tear that dropped during the performance of SS Dream make sense. 

I can see it. 
So many, no, make that too many times I have thought I was loading the Dream Ship.  When all I was really doing was getting on the boat to take me to the ship.  But the boat ALWAYS heads in the wrong direction. Where is that left turn at Albuquerque when you need it?  I think my ship has always been in the middle of the ocean; never at the shore.   I  have tried several times to get on the ship.  A few times I thought I was on it, a few times I tried swimming towards it, but there are sharks in the water.  I’ve even tried bungee jumping on the deck, but I think the cord either broke and I missed the ship or the person securing my rope walked off and I plummeted into the ocean.  Whatever the case,  everytime I have felt THIS secure about something, it came to pass. Somehow, something always happens to make me either rethink my decisions or i see who/what i counted on for whatever reason drop the ball, i.e., walk away from my Bungee Rope...but now...this time, I am so secure, so in belief and support of what I know is going to happen, with such solid (and just a few) ppl with me to assist me, that i could close my eyes, jump into the ocean with my nonswimming ass, and back pedal my way to the boat and still get on it dry.  

I have found my place
My footing
My balance

My  reason to live in NY!!!

I have found so much inside of my very own life.  All the answers have been write there in front of me this entire time.  The irony of Saturday’s show was that in 2010 when I started back recording and  thought I’d be done soon, the idea of a one woman show popped up and I started jotting down some notes and ideas, but of course I lost the focus and forgot the idea.  The idea naturally recycled itself and it wasn’t until I was sitting in front of my laptop waiting on the order of the show to appear in my head a couple of weeks ago, that I opened a random word doc and located all my notes from this same exact idea, that I forgot I already had.  It was meant to be. 
It was meant to happen.
The response has been overwhelming.  The love has been a high.  The support is magical.
The Broadway lights are so bright in my head.  Every day I will remind myself that I am going to Broadway.  I will not lose focus of this.  I will save the 1st quarter details for the blog that actually does talk about the party, but lets just say there is a lot on the horizon. 

And I’m scared.  Just a lil.  Its not uncharted territory but it is different.  It is scary because I feel like I have the power to make this successful.  I am scared at imagining myself on the Broadway stage, but I can’t reach for anything less.  I’m no one’s actress and have never wanted to be.  But I have never performed so gracefully honest and powerful as I did Saturday night.  I felt it in my soul..my voice kept reverberating back into my head and I felt powerful.  I only broke character once and that’s just because I had to.  But the best part is there was little to no acting involved.  These poems were all my poems, my life, my experiences and as much as I want(ed) to turn them into different characters, it kept rotating back to the person it really was; me.  Which made it all the more real.  Tell me that doesn’t have Broadway written all over it.

I will make my own way, my own path and I will be recognized, respected and loved for it.  I am on to something.  And as scary as it is, it is the something I’ve been searching diligently for..its not about cds.  I suck at selling cds.  Its not about open mics.  I don’t always move the crowd with my poems because I have a standard for myself that I will always uphold and that is, you will get what I give you on this stage and if that is not enough, then nothing else I “could’ve” done would have moved you.  I can’t cater to the crowd or myself; I must find the balance in the two.  If you love Brownstone in Brooklyn, why can’t you be open enough to listening to Night At the Delta Roxbury and enjoy it as well.  Why must I keep doing BnB in order to make the night great for us both?  Trust me, allow me to take you on a journey towards upliftment, self love and respect and have fun while doing so.  THAT is what I want to do.  I do not want to be what you “expect’’.  I am a rule breaker.  I do not want to be predictable.  I’m not an angry poet or a male basher.  I’m not an in your face girl or a singer.  I’m just me (Track 2, LDE, get yours today!!). 

This show allows me to be just that: who I am and what you need and want to hear.  All in one package of power and voice.  No gimmicks. 

THIS is Broadway bound.  All I can say is don’t wait for it to get there to see it.  I have finally found my footing. 
And I’m scared a lil bit because I know this is about to take me to that condo that sits just behind where the moon sleeps and in front of the sun’s rising.  But its not a cowering-under-the-kitchen-cabinet fear.  It is a Full Speed Ahead mixture of fear and excitement that is so far removed from pressing stop.  This is what it has been all along.  It took 3 years to make because anytime before now and it wouldn’t have been what it is and/or I wouldn’t have recognized it as such. 
I feel
Free to plant my feet on the balance beam.
My first feature, by myself at an Indy open mic venue, was at Writeon.  It was entitled The Tightrope .

It was a great show.

I think I specialize at putting together my own shows that are a mix of old & new, happy & sad poetic musings. 
The Tightrope.

I have FINALLY found my balance.  And you know what.  Its not scary enough.  I wanna push the limits even more. 

****And if my pen should run out of ink, let it be said that if you are looking for me and can’t find me…..its probably because I’m backstage….on Broadway.  THIS is why I dream n color.



F*** It, Feel It, Act Accordingly.

This past Sunday night, I laid out on the couch, underneath the blanket I had removed from the bed and brought in the living room, for extra chillax purposes of course.  I was warm, I was chilling, I was watching a movie.  I think it was the Cosby Show…..its always the Cosby Show.  I fell asleep.  Small Fries had came over.  (in SITC, Carrie refers to her on again/off again as Mr. Big…I refer to mine as Small Fries).  I was in no entertaining mood.  Well, that doesn’t really matter because after all this time, I don’t entertain Small Fries anymore.  I just glare at him until my eye darts start to poke him like thorns.  But I digress.  Knowing I had to wake up and get in the bed because I had to work in the morning, I made myself roll of the couch, walked off without the cover, hopped in the bed and was sleep before my head touched the pillow.  I don’t know how long it was before Small Fries came and covered me up but it was over; I was done for.  It had been one.
It had been a long 30 days.

I have STILL have nothing to blog.  And by that, I simply mean, whatever it is I want to say about the night, I do not have yet.  So I don’t know that this blog will wind up being my thoughts and feelings on it just yet.  I do not plan to do a recap or disclose what all happened, but i do want to discuss how i felt and how i still feel and whats next from there.  The room was full of great people.  Some of them even had shirts with my cd cover on it.  I prayed so hard for the people who needed to be there, who would get something positive out the show, to be there.  And so it was.  There is not a single complaint on my crowd, crowd size, crowd participation, anything.  They were alive, they were fun and I loved each and every one of them.  But in order for me to blog anything else about that beautiful night and it was indeed a BEAUTIFUL night full of LOVE in its greatest capacity, i have to have a lyrical exorcism. 


Definition: a biological, chemical, or physical agent that stimulates a characteristic function or elicits a response, especially an inflammatory response.

I have a few.  And to be honest, what SHOULD happen is I should ignore the irritants and keep it moving towards the light of the positive, but I’m me and ignoring the irritants comes a lot easier after I’ve acknowledged they were there.  The acknowledgment of them allows for removal.  The ignoring of them allows for dormant reproduction.  So boom.  I must acknowledge, then shoot past.  I was recently asked by one of my sisterfriends what the next move after Fuck It Feel It is.  That was a damn good question.  After you’ve said fuck it, after you allow yourself to feel it, what is the next move??? I told her, “Act Accordingly”.  For now, this is my acting accordance.

 I did several "interviews & reviews & whatever you call its" that i expected to be out before the party to help generate buzz around the party and the cd.  I have yet to see any of them.  I know, as a writer, as a person who has interviewed people and put together stuff in an untimely matter, that sometimes you just can't do it.  But as a writer who wants to be taken serious by my readers and people i interview,  I also see the other side.  I have been tasked with interviewing a person i never heard of and creating a story within 24 hours, but really not even that long.  I did the interview right after work, had the article written and turned in by 1am.  Sometimes, despite what you have going on, you have to stay on the ball because its more on the line than just the "like" button.  This is in no way meant to be disrespectful to those i worked with, as like i said, i understand that life happens.  However, this was an irritant.  And a learning experience in several ways;  from now on,  any interviews i will be giving (which the YorkInspire quarterly paper will be coming hopefully first, no later than second quarter 2012) will be done in a timely matter because now i get how important it might be for the artist, even if you as the writer/composer don't get it/know it.  I also will not be doing any more interviews without a designated timeline for completion.  these were not my first interviews.  I've interviewed with newspapers before and they let you know when to expect it, give or a take some days.  They give you a range so you know when to buy out the paper rack!  I'm still eager to see what is what on the stories that i assume will run at some point before my demise but i also urge all of  us writers to take our craft 100% serious all the time or at least let people know that if life gets in the way in any way,  the article may be backburnered.  Which is ok.  Immediate communication is the key.  This is my business.  THis is my life, so don' t think i don't take it all serious because i do.  But this was a bit of Karma coming back at a previous interview i did so i take it as a learning lesson more than anything.  Its not at all the biggest sticker shock of the month.

Is it ok for me to do this?Maybe i'm offending or saying too much?? Should I stop there?

Why of course its ok.  Possibly, of course i'm offending.  No i shouldnt stop there.  You do not have to be on this blog.  A simple click of button marked X and guess what...this doesnt exist!!!  I don’t know how long you’ve been reading this blog, but this blog dates thru a few years.  At least back to 2009 and one thing you will find on here, repeatedly, is honesty.  Raw honesty.  Not because I want you in my business because for everything I do share, five other things are behind boxes in my skeleton closet.  I keep it honest because I want to look back on this blog oneday, when I’ve reached a turning point in my journey and read.  I do that all the time.  I still read journals from the early 2000’s right now today just to see how different my life is or how far I’ve come.  I figure there is no since in lying since I know I will read it and remember its not the truth.  So I am honest about what I discuss.  So is it ok for me to do this or say this?  Hell yeah. Why? Because I’m me and I cannot ask for more or less.  The following is for those times that you want to walk up to someone, and very casually say FUCK YOU, walk off smiling, and feeling like a million bucks; but you don't do it because its rude.  This is for that.

Dear (Recipient of the FUCK You)

You know its you right?  Actually, no you don’t.  I’d bet my left hand that this is a place foreign to you.  You do not visit here.  You do not come here often.  You may not even know of the existence of this place.  Or any of the places like it.  Yet, if given the opportunity, you will portray yourself as one of my biggest fans, greatest supporters and possibly your sister.  I however, beg to differ. 

            One of the biggest things I learned about myself this year, is that I have such a small support system where my personal life and art is concerned, that I automatically, almost accidentally, lean extremely hard on the family I have created and built from the house of letters that poetry built.  I don’t start having “expectations” but I do lean hard.  I do hope hard, want hard, wish hard or think hard.  And I’m constantly learning, that no matter the degree of my lean, some shoulders really do try to slide underneath your fall after you’ve hit the ground, thus pretending they were there the entire time.  Ha!

I can’t say you dropped the ball.  I can’t say you don’t love me or you love me any less.  I can only say it hurts me.  Maybe not in big doses, but dare I say tiny, small pricks of disappointment or pain hurt equally if not worse to big hard gut shots.  This was by far not a gut shot.  Its actually the opposite of such.  I never expected you to care.  So there is a no surprise factor taking place.  But hurt is hurt and hurt is only as good as the love you have for the person that hurt you. 

This was a big night for me.  This was a big day in my life for various reasons that extend outside of poetry.  But I cannot expect anyone to treat it as such but me.  Its MY life, not yours.  The problem comes in when people DO start to act like this is a night for all of us.  How is it, someone I met fifteen minutes ago, can show me more love than you, especially seeing as though we’ve known each other for years now.  How does that work?  How do you totally not acknowledge what is important to me?  How do you not care if you miss it or send me a text, an ecard, a love shout, a facebook post, a congrats, a tweet, an email, a message in a bottle, leave a note on my door, car, ask to meet up with me and lets catch up since you couldn’t be there; i mean, that’s a lot of different scenario’s I just listed and I’m sure there are other ways to have shown you cared.  Look, we all have lives to live.  Everybody I love and that loves me was not available last Saturday night.  I don’t even need or want an excuse as to why one couldn’t make it, but people that care, often handd over reasons why they weren’t gonna be there out of respect of the relationship we share with each other and no other reason.  When you love someone and they have something special going on and you can’t make it, you make an attempt to let them know they are in your mind that night or will be in your mind.  So whether you give them the top ten reasons you will miss the evening or the first four reasons they love you so much, they still share that night with you in some way.

You shared nothing with me.  You basically said fuck me without saying it.  And I know, that is me putting words into your mouth, I’ll admit it.  But my interpretation of your lack of care/concern that so many other people were able to fit on their busy schedules was just that; that you were saying fuck you.  And that’s how I took it.  Fuck me.

And that’s whatsup.  I will not love you less or respect you the same.  I will not hold grudges or have hard feelings that are difficult to ignore.  i’m a tolerant person.  I’m a loving person and pretty easy to get along with, or at least I like to think so.  To hurt me is one thing, to not care about me is another thing, but to hurt me and not care, after all the love and support I have offered you in life, is priceless.  It’s the kind of lesson you have to actually experience to learn.  No one can teach you this.  You have taught me the same message several others have taught me. 
Trust me, you are not the first.

That some things are just not VIP to you.  And I happen to fall in line with that category.  Shit I can’t win them all though right?  But the thing is, seeing as though you are not the first, I’ve already created a designated section on the ship for people like you.  Its near the bottom, in the drainage area.  You’re not off the boat, you just aren’t on any of the floors of priority.  I won’t make you a priority anymore.  Maybe I never have.  Well, I take that back.  The moments that meant the most to you I have either been witness to or sent you love & support just so you could still feel my presence, even if I couldn’t see you in action.

I’m going to end this, because you aren’t reading.  This isn’t even about your reading.  This is about me saying FiFi & AA.  I’m exorcising.  Getting these negative traces of bullshit emotions that are potentially clouding my ability to accurately blog about another beautiful night in the day of the life of the PoetGirl.  You are very special to me.  You will always be.  Hence the reason I didn’t toss your ass off the ship and to the sharks.  But I know how to read social cues.  I know how to figure out my place.  Sometimes, out of sight, out of mind applies.  And I can live with that.  Because from this moment forward, out of respect for my sanity & self preservation, that is the exact road my ship will be leaving you at.  Out of sight avenue, out of mind boulevard. 

We will be leaving port in about 10 minutes.  Please do not worry about making your way back towards the docking station.  If you try, security will greet you as they have pics of your face in their smart phones, and escort you to the lifeboat that will take you back to the states.  Enjoyed having you along for the ride and the lessons.  You were great. But this is your best work to date.

Not only did you teach me a lesson.
You got me blogging. 
And now, from this moment forward
I can forget that you forgot that you cared about me on the night that meant the most to me. 
Its no biggie.
You weren’t the first.
Won’t be the last.
So the island you are being castaway to, will not be lonely.  It will be full of likeminded people like yourself.

I, in the meantime, will be on my way to Broadway.  Which is why I needed to clear head; I have a mission.  And that is to be looking from the window seat at you purchasing tickets to what you had the biggest opportunity to experience first hand:

My Love.




No Rest For the Weary

Man...i am all over the board do you hear me???!!!

Not that this is surprising, because it is not, but very little has gone as planned.  Emphasis on VERY LITTLE.  If i had the power to give up, i just might, but i don't possess that power on this one.  I just gotta keep going and wait for Saturday to unfold and see what happens.  Where should i start....oh i have  good one.....with what has been the BIGGEST problem!


Money has continued to be a irritant....so many things have happened in the last 30 days that have compromised my finances in a way that won't finish being repaired until years end.  I haven't even put up a Christmas tree or gone shopping....hell i haven't thought about going shopping for anyone.....i hope i get to because i love the holidays but truth is, its just not that important to me this year.  Sorry.  I accidentally bought a pair of shoes.....i belong to one of those damn shoe clubs and forgot to cancel my shoes for the month until the day after the cancellation deadline and boom....that was a clean $40 bucks that could save my life right now.....gone.  Got some nice shoes but i didnt want them.  For once.  Then there was the amazon prime memebership that i have been bitching and complaining about wanting back so badly.  Well i got it....by accident....hit a button that i thought would take me to a total order page and instead took me to a thank you page.......seeing as though i winded up not ordering anything from amazon, that was another $40 bucks down the drain.  Only i was able to cancel that....still, the refund has yet to appear and could take between two and three days....so we have lost out on $100 easily.  Might as well round it off right?

Then there was this excessive $140 water bill i had to pay because the new/old water company sent my bills for three months to the wrong fucking address.  SO i had to pay this large sum of money at a time i really needed it for other shit....it was an unforeseen expense.....hell why is my water bill even that much to begin with??? *shrug* i do take long ass showers...i love water.....so its whatever.  In addition to buying gas, making payment arrangements for my now late tmobile bill and attempting to slowly pay back the people i owe, starting with my graphic designer, i have struggled for the last three weeks to have a decent meal in front of me and thats no lie. 

I do not share this for sympathy purposes....i dont want a damn thing from anyone but support at the show.  I don't want to borrow, hold, use or otherwise beg for money or anything.  I despise the feeling that i have when i owe friends money and don't have it to pay or have it but have a shitload of "other stuff" i need to pay for at the same time and have to make a decision about who gets what.....that sucks....so i will return to not borrowing anything from people again....i'd rather just struggle or go without.  Plain and simple.  So don't take it that way...i'm just sharing what i'm feeling two days before the cd drops....my tummy decided to just start hurting and i can't help but wonder if it has anything to do with the hot ass chips i ate this morning.....

the hard part is and isn't over ....the cds are here....they work and look great.  a few of the gift bag stuffers are here but the gift bags themselves are not....one of my key items i wanted to create for the bags is not here.....the fabric for my tutu is not here.....the show is still in forming stages and my poems are semi glued but questionable ....i had a good rehearsal last night but not everyone was there which threw me off a little because tonight, i will be rehearsing with the missing person but then the other two ppl will not be there.....*shrug* ....it almost feels like i'm in a fight to make this a win......i prayed for decent snow-free weather and got it....blessing.  My cousins randomly volunteered to bring food.....blessing.  I have a dream team of people and hypewoman behind me, helping me make it all go as close to as planned as possible.  Blessing.  I need more cds....i was only able to order a handful of cds and i'm wondering if i should go out and make more just in case its a packed house and everybody wants one.....if thats the case, they will have to be discounted because of presentation, i have to figure out how to get cases and how to create the insert......more problems.

none of this is stressing me to the point where i'm nervous or scared about the outcome...i have accepted whats going to happen is going to be beautiful regardless of how much i had to stress about it to get there.....



i feel like writing a prayer.

I am the Sun...not a Christmas light.

i am using my blog to....
.....chart these emotions and feelings i'm having in the days leading up to the big day, which at this point, is five days....instead of turning to facebook or twitter, which is what i normally do, i have decided to reserve these emotions for a place that ONLY the people i know that give a damn about me, my life and/or what i'm doing with my poetry, are visiting....

i know i already blogged earlier today
but i need to say this
i just need to exorcise what is in me right now because i refuse to carry ANY form of negativity through this week with me.  I refuse...i have a lot banking on this week....i have a drug test to take for work (LMAO) and i have quite possibly the biggest show of my life in five days....

and the truth is....

i feel like very few people care.
and i'm trying so hard to ignore that
immediately after this show is over, i plan on breaking away from social media.  
it has changed my perspective and the way i look at things and i do not like it.

i feel like i have been called "favorite" by so many people and half of them won't show up. 
i cannot believe and am embarrassed to even feel this way. i think what it really is....as i was telling Gab last night, is not having a love who supports this portion of my life, not having an active fam who offer the support i need rather than some conjured up i-care-kind-because-i'm-supposed-to support and not having children who are excited for their mom, makes me lean SO fucking hard on my poetic community.....so how is it that so many people could fill up my head for so long, but only a handful seem to be as excited as i am about this.

i'm done.
its not that deep.
thats not what i'm here for.
thats not what my life or my poetry is about. 

i am going to have a great night.....a great test  : ) a great night, just the way i envisioned it: with only the people who truly give a shit about this thing called poetry and this chick called jY. 

if its just me and my small but real circle of people
that will just have to be enough and i will rock that shit like i'm at the Astrodome.  And whomever misses it, just does.  No excuses or reasons are necessary. 
God will place every single person that needs to hear what i am saying and/or see what i am doing Saturday night, right in the front row. 

And at the end of the day, thats what matters the most.
i competed in a slam in KY one year....and i banked out in the second round ....mostly due in part to me doing such a controversial poem (i believe)....ppl often don't like what they are not used to.....i did a poem about being a cutter......you should've seen the faces in the crowd...i performed my ass off and didnt miss one beat of that poem....still, i didnt move on....No problem.
but after the slam was over....a woman came up to me, black woman, and said thank you....she said, "you just helped me understand some of my patients...i am a psychologist and have a few patients that are cutters and i can never make sense out of it and often do not know what to say to them as a result, but you helped me understand them and i appreciate that."  

I left out of KY that night thinking everyone in attendance believes i cut myself and that couldnt be further from the truth.....but two things: 1. if that last statement is true, then i should've went on to the third round...LMAO
2. MORE IMPORTANTLY: i did EXACTLY what i sent to do and winning a title and a lil cash would have been great for the visuals, but nothing in this world, money or otherwise, can beat feeling like you served a massive purpose in less than 3 minutes.

this week....i will be serving a massive purpose.....it will be more than 3 minutes, but its still massive....and someone, whether they tell me then, on facebook or not at all, will undoubtedly be changed/altered/healed/loved or otherwise greatly affected by what i have put together and i do not doubt that for a second.....
so no matter how many cds get sold or how many people don't show up, this will be a night to remember
this is a night that is a combination of 7.5 years+ of serving my purpose.  
and if i can do that....if i can serve my purpose, then what ground does this menial shit like numbers stand on...?? 
What is a christmas light to the sun? 
i am the sun....permanent, warming, loving, and never not shining somewhere in the world.
menial shit is a christmas light: temporary, quick to burn out and not too bright.

"i am human and nothing alien shall be foreign to me" -Maya Angelou.


This & That is what i'm feeling 5 days before ......

my internet is down at home.  Has been down all week and weekend.  My phone completely sucks. 

This has been the HARDEST 30 days in finances this year.  I mean, for all of 2011, i don't think i have struggled this fucking hard.  From funding this party to paying biills, to borrowing money, which is something i never do (and now i remember why), to owing for services and needing things done and needing to do things (like wash), i cannot recall a time that was so difficult for me to get thru all of this year until now.  Now is a struggle.  I mean a big one.  I didnt paid for the Thanksgiving holiday because instead of working 24 hours that week, i worked fucking 23 and that is a no-no in order to get holiday pay from the temp service.  And i was unaware of this.  So.  I didnt get it and it is absolutely amazing how two days worth of pay can through EVERYTHING out of wack.  I have just started avoiding everyone.  And today is payday.  But i'm guaranteed to be completely broke by tuesday.  Why you ask?  Not because i've been shopping or playing with my money; because i'm funding a party my way and i'm paying bills all at the same time and i owe 3 people small amounts of money that combined, will equal a large sum.  Its ridiculous.  And i need to wash dammit.  THIS  is what is on my mind five days until showtime. 

I can't even believe its five days.
that is hard to believe.  I"m surprisingly not stressed about the party but i did awake with a strong sense of nervousness this morning; part of which is due to a test i have to take (more on that at a later date).  I told God this morning i feel like my head is going in a thousand different directions. 
And i have no idea how to get a grip.  Some of this stuff has to fall off. And it will once i pay a few people, a few bills and order a few last minute things from my party.  Matter a fact, once my cds get here, that will take a lil more pressure off.  They were shipped out on the 9th (YAY) and are set to be here by thursday.  But the holiday season has me just a lil nervous about that, but what i wont do is make up scenario's to further worry myself.  So i will see them when they get to my job. Thats what i'm feeling about that.

i still don't have the show all the way figured out.  Out of 100%, its probably at or around 75, maaaaaaybe 80% figured out.

i took a generic no doze this morning and it has kicked in but not without ants in my pants....i feel like bouncing off the walls.  No Doze does not make me feel this way and i don't know that i like it well.  But its whatever.

i became vulnerable last night.  I actually let tears fall, in front of someone, which is something i laid claim to not doing anymore for the duration of our time together.  He knew it.  He felt the tears hit his shoulder, but i just denied thats what they were.  And just like usual, he didn't press for more information.  I said it last night too.  I said, "i still love you" .....and felt like i truly set myself back 6 years, but thats what i was feeling, thats what i was on and thats what i said.  Vunerability will get you everytime.  Fuck it, feel it.  And i don't regret it.  But i know what still needs to happen, which is contradictive to saying "i still love you". ....que sara sara i suppose. Thats what i'm feeling five days before the show.

Indianapolis has no beefcakes or no nicely built men that are single enough, trustworthy enough or have the capable small time-no lines- acting ability to participate in my show.  Its amazing how many people you can be connected to, how many of those people ignore you, how many of those people will hurry and respond to a bullshit message and how many of those people are beefcakes.  I know. That was a weird stanza.  Its the generic no doze and this is a paragraph, not a stanza.  *Shrug*

I'm ready for a break from indy and i'm so nervous about so much.  I told God this morning i am so scared of life....He's always known that.  But i refuse to not live.  Last night, i sat with Gab talking about being a 20 something and realized i have had so much freaking fun living, that its almost like i forget i'm going to die.  I just go and go hard sometimes.  I have played the field, been in love, been broken and heart broken which are both different and i have been scared the entire time.  But now, all i want to do is remember how to live and stop worrying about dying.  I am so blessed that i'd be a bitch not roll around in the smiles that these blessings have gifted me with.  But this morning, on the way to work, it was hard to fight the tears.  And i honestly don't know why they even came.  This is what i am feeling.

five days before the show.


The Exquisite Pain, VOL 400.23

What is the definiton for exquisite
The exquisite pain isn’t something uniquely created for a special person….
Like a grammy
Or an Oscar
This is for everybody
Each one of us
Letting go and hanging on all at once
Toxic love
Taste it
U like…..
Feel it
U want more
……the exquisite pain is a combination of sweat and love secretions that mix into broken bonds and believable lies ….the exquisite pain lies
To you
In front of you
Drink it……what we should fear we become brave for, what we should shy away from
We cheer on….bring on…..
Willingly wrap the tiniest of strings around our pinkie until we knowingly bleed …
The exquisite pain lives at it’s best……internalized…..power silence….
What is your pain.
What hurt, is so exquisite 
that you go back for more and more,
leaving each time,
5% less of yourself…..

*****************Found in old journal from 2003, before visiting an open mic***********

A poem about loneliness
To be lonely or to be sick
If given a choice
Which one would you pick
You could be sick and surrounded by friends
Or play like you’re not, so the fun never ends
But to be lonely
Is to be all alone
No one at home
No one calling on the phone
The air thick with silence
Your imagination running out
Your throat is pulsating
With the urge to shout
Time is moving slowly
And still not one call
So you give up, take your clothes off
And into the bed you crawl
If at the beginning
I were given a choice
There would’ve been no stutter in my voice
And no hesitation for me to say
That I’d choose sick
Over lonely any day