Man...i am all over the board do you hear me???!!!
Not that this is surprising, because it is not, but very little has gone as planned. Emphasis on VERY LITTLE. If i had the power to give up, i just might, but i don't possess that power on this one. I just gotta keep going and wait for Saturday to unfold and see what happens. Where should i start....oh i have good one.....with what has been the BIGGEST problem!
Money.
Money has continued to be a irritant....so many things have happened in the last 30 days that have compromised my finances in a way that won't finish being repaired until years end. I haven't even put up a Christmas tree or gone shopping....hell i haven't thought about going shopping for anyone.....i hope i get to because i love the holidays but truth is, its just not that important to me this year. Sorry. I accidentally bought a pair of shoes.....i belong to one of those damn shoe clubs and forgot to cancel my shoes for the month until the day after the cancellation deadline and boom....that was a clean $40 bucks that could save my life right now.....gone. Got some nice shoes but i didnt want them. For once. Then there was the amazon prime memebership that i have been bitching and complaining about wanting back so badly. Well i got it....by accident....hit a button that i thought would take me to a total order page and instead took me to a thank you page.......seeing as though i winded up not ordering anything from amazon, that was another $40 bucks down the drain. Only i was able to cancel that....still, the refund has yet to appear and could take between two and three days....so we have lost out on $100 easily. Might as well round it off right?
Then there was this excessive $140 water bill i had to pay because the new/old water company sent my bills for three months to the wrong fucking address. SO i had to pay this large sum of money at a time i really needed it for other shit....it was an unforeseen expense.....hell why is my water bill even that much to begin with??? *shrug* i do take long ass showers...i love water.....so its whatever. In addition to buying gas, making payment arrangements for my now late tmobile bill and attempting to slowly pay back the people i owe, starting with my graphic designer, i have struggled for the last three weeks to have a decent meal in front of me and thats no lie.
I do not share this for sympathy purposes....i dont want a damn thing from anyone but support at the show. I don't want to borrow, hold, use or otherwise beg for money or anything. I despise the feeling that i have when i owe friends money and don't have it to pay or have it but have a shitload of "other stuff" i need to pay for at the same time and have to make a decision about who gets what.....that sucks....so i will return to not borrowing anything from people again....i'd rather just struggle or go without. Plain and simple. So don't take it that way...i'm just sharing what i'm feeling two days before the cd drops....my tummy decided to just start hurting and i can't help but wonder if it has anything to do with the hot ass chips i ate this morning.....
the hard part is and isn't over ....the cds are here....they work and look great. a few of the gift bag stuffers are here but the gift bags themselves are not....one of my key items i wanted to create for the bags is not here.....the fabric for my tutu is not here.....the show is still in forming stages and my poems are semi glued but questionable ....i had a good rehearsal last night but not everyone was there which threw me off a little because tonight, i will be rehearsing with the missing person but then the other two ppl will not be there.....*shrug* ....it almost feels like i'm in a fight to make this a win......i prayed for decent snow-free weather and got it....blessing. My cousins randomly volunteered to bring food.....blessing. I have a dream team of people and hypewoman behind me, helping me make it all go as close to as planned as possible. Blessing. I need more cds....i was only able to order a handful of cds and i'm wondering if i should go out and make more just in case its a packed house and everybody wants one.....if thats the case, they will have to be discounted because of presentation, i have to figure out how to get cases and how to create the insert......more problems.
none of this is stressing me to the point where i'm nervous or scared about the outcome...i have accepted whats going to happen is going to be beautiful regardless of how much i had to stress about it to get there.....
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