I am the Sun...not a Christmas light.

i am using my blog to....

.....chart these emotions and feelings i'm having in the days leading up to the big day, which at this point, is five days....instead of turning to facebook or twitter, which is what i normally do, i have decided to reserve these emotions for a place that ONLY the people i know that give a damn about me, my life and/or what i'm doing with my poetry, are visiting....

i know i already blogged earlier today

but i need to say this

i just need to exorcise what is in me right now because i refuse to carry ANY form of negativity through this week with me.  I refuse...i have a lot banking on this week....i have a drug test to take for work (LMAO) and i have quite possibly the biggest show of my life in five days....

and the truth is....

i feel like very few people care.

and i'm trying so hard to ignore that

immediately after this show is over, i plan on breaking away from social media.  

it has changed my perspective and the way i look at things and i do not like it.

i feel like i have been called "favorite" by so many people and half of them won't show up. 

i cannot believe and am embarrassed to even feel this way. i think what it really is....as i was telling Gab last night, is not having a love who supports this portion of my life, not having an active fam who offer the support i need rather than some conjured up i-care-kind-because-i'm-supposed-to support and not having children who are excited for their mom, makes me lean SO fucking hard on my poetic community.....so how is it that so many people could fill up my head for so long, but only a handful seem to be as excited as i am about this.

i'm done.

its not that deep.

thats not what i'm here for.

thats not what my life or my poetry is about. 

i am going to have a great night.....a great test  : ) a great night, just the way i envisioned it: with only the people who truly give a shit about this thing called poetry and this chick called jY. 

if its just me and my small but real circle of people

that will just have to be enough and i will rock that shit like i'm at the Astrodome.  And whomever misses it, just does.  No excuses or reasons are necessary. 

God will place every single person that needs to hear what i am saying and/or see what i am doing Saturday night, right in the front row. 

And at the end of the day, thats what matters the most.

i competed in a slam in KY one year....and i banked out in the second round ....mostly due in part to me doing such a controversial poem (i believe)....ppl often don't like what they are not used to.....i did a poem about being a cutter......you should've seen the faces in the crowd...i performed my ass off and didnt miss one beat of that poem....still, i didnt move on....No problem.

but after the slam was over....a woman came up to me, black woman, and said thank you....she said, "you just helped me understand some of my patients...i am a psychologist and have a few patients that are cutters and i can never make sense out of it and often do not know what to say to them as a result, but you helped me understand them and i appreciate that."  

I left out of KY that night thinking everyone in attendance believes i cut myself and that couldnt be further from the truth.....but two things: 1. if that last statement is true, then i should've went on to the third round...LMAO

2. MORE IMPORTANTLY: i did EXACTLY what i sent to do and winning a title and a lil cash would have been great for the visuals, but nothing in this world, money or otherwise, can beat feeling like you served a massive purpose in less than 3 minutes.

this week....i will be serving a massive purpose.....it will be more than 3 minutes, but its still massive....and someone, whether they tell me then, on facebook or not at all, will undoubtedly be changed/altered/healed/loved or otherwise greatly affected by what i have put together and i do not doubt that for a second.....

so no matter how many cds get sold or how many people don't show up, this will be a night to remember

this is a night that is a combination of 7.5 years+ of serving my purpose.  

and if i can do that....if i can serve my purpose, then what ground does this menial shit like numbers stand on...?? 

What is a christmas light to the sun? 

nothing.

i am the sun....permanent, warming, loving, and never not shining somewhere in the world.

menial shit is a christmas light: temporary, quick to burn out and not too bright.

"i am human and nothing alien shall be foreign to me" -Maya Angelou.

jY