today is saturday....
a week from today, my mom will be turning 52...maybe i shouldnt have said that...hmm...she won't mind, i'm sure she doesnt read my blogs anyway....three days after my moms birthday, i'll be leaving town for a month....
....a week from tuesday morning and i'll be taking to the skies.....
i hate flying....and i love it all the same....
flying makes me nonstop nervous, on the verge of panic and anxiety attacks, and its all about control....something that i know longer have....but this flight i think will be different....on this flight, i am in a different mindset, going somewhere different with a different set of goals....
i will be boarding this flight with trust in my heart.....not just for the flight....but for the 30 day trip itself....i can't wait to leave....and i will take whatever are the necessary measures involved in order for me to have a flight minus a heart attack or nervous breakdown....i still can't deny the beauty in flying....seeing the bottom....the mystery above the clouds...the colors....the feeling of floating....until turbulence speeds my heartbeat up...
this is the ultimate flight for me...i've never flown anywhere but to and from atlanta...this is to north carolina...i dont know how long the flight is, but i know its not a straight thru flight, which means, we will land and go right back up again....i've never done that...never wanted to....once i'm down, i usually need a few days to recooperate about what just happened before i can go back up to popping ears....
but i digress...it will be ok...
these are just some of things i am thinking about before the tour....
i need to wash...i have a two baskets (i know...dont judge me) full of clothes that will have to be washed in the next few days....i also need to clean my entire house, so i come home to a welcoming, cold, but welcoming home....the heat won't be turned on until i after i get back...shout out to energy assistance for helping, but not really, therefore defeating the purpose....
but i digress....
so i want to come home to a clean house and i want who ever im going to get to help me with the dogs to come over to a clean house.....soooo...in the next seven days i will be nonstop busy i guess....i need to pack...i need to clean, wash and pack....one suitcase...i will literally be living out of one suitcase for the next 30 days....i will not be paying for luggage or whatnot and what ever other unnecessary expenses the airlines can find to charge ....i havent decided what to take and what to leave....
dont know what shoes i will bring, or whether or not my laptop is coming....havent decided on the jewelry....all i know for sure is my glove is coming cause thats my signature....SashaJackson....(my gloves name)
i always pack with paranoia when i go out of town...i take stuff that i like and still look good in, but that i can stand to lose in case of an emergency.....but im going to do my thang, so i have to go doing it the way i normally do it....i wont be bringing my best, but i have to look good...PLUS...i plan on coming home with a pair of shoes or two from another city....hence another reason to pack as light as possible....
these are just some of the things i am thinking about one week before my trip....
my dogs....wow....my ex really threw me a curb ball with this one...not knowing who will take care of them is reason enough for me to stay....my dogs are my children, and it doesnt matter who doesnt agree or understand...i will never have real kids, so this is it, as michael jackson can say...!!!...and they are really picky....i dont want to ask my mom because so many people are pulling here in so many different directions right now, that i just dont think it would be fair, even though its right next door...i dont need to add to her stress.....my ex hit the bailout button on me....and there is really no one else....but rather than letting this defeat me, i will figure it out in the next week as well...
im leaving...
wow....
30 days....
not even sure when i'm coming home...just the uncertainty of everything is comforting to me...not knowing what will happen or when i'm coming back...just a ball park figure.....i love it...its something that i've always wanted to do....and i'm about to do it....on my favorite side of the US...the east coast...im stepping out on faith and trust, following my heart....for every person that i feel doesnt back me or believe in what im doing, there are at least two more telling me to take the world....that i can do it...i deserve to do it....and its mine..just go get it....this is what i was made for right...?
i'm leaving my friends..
my girls....the ones that come over and keep me company, sane and laughing...the new connections...or connection...i'll miss that person too....i hope they will think of me as much as i will think of them....my dogs..so spoiled...ms p. and lazzie...
.no more girls nights and more than likely no pineapple express for the next 30 days...im coming back detoxed and will probably get high on one puff....no more midtown....well...havent really been much midtown for me anyway...but no more earth house or other random open mics....38th street....
...cornelius avenue.....no more loud ass kings of leon playing either in my car or the house....none of that...all of that will be on hold until i come back....sometime in early december....i am doing this the big girl way...im going on tour...me and my poetry....my words...my thoughts....
we are taking the east coast.....the Irregular Flow tour...i can't believe it...the closer the days get, the more i can't believe it...its starting to set in....
...the fact that i will miss so many and so much, but will gain even more....NYC...im coming...im headed to my all time favorite spot in the US....
my first tour....my first time to see if i REALLY have it...which i dont doubt too much because i've been quite a few different places with predominantly good results....
so much fear....questions...will i ..? i wonder...can i ?....should i ?....
few answers...
but one constant...
just do it...
and i am
finally.
my time has come....
these are just some of the things i'm thinking about as i get ready to leave for tour...in 10 days...
10.19.2009
It's a Fine Line between Indiana and MIchigan
and so the story goes.....
i got home this morning at 630.....when i saw the first sign that said 465 i almost pulled the car over and proceeded to get out and kiss the ground.....i was so sleepy that i literally think i fell asleep while driving, all with my eyes open and carrying on a conversation that went from my troublesome relationship with a nonsupportive boyfriend who i am still in love with to touring, to semi trucks and how often their wheels fall off....lol....
when we left chicago, it was 1am ...130 at the latest....my sister in names, Kendria aka KLove who is a PHENOMENAL POET!!! if you like me, trust me and check her out....she did three poems last night that were the epitome of greatness and i am officially a new fan...i only wish i could have afforded to purchase her cd...i actually meant to suggest a trade, but somehow i forgot...
but i digress...
KLove showed us the way to the highway home....the highway....wow....a combo pack of I90 and I94....one of them takes you to indianapolis, one of them takes you to detroit...both will lead you to indiana, one just happens to lead you to michigan .....the one that led to michigan, of course, is the one we took.....
what does it matter who was driving (me) or how we missed it.....all i know, is we had been rolling...making good time, hitting miles by the dozens on 80mph.....i was noticing that none of the signs said Indianapolis....and that the scenery wasnt very familiar....and considering we came and left in one night, i think i could remember at least one building to help guide the way.....but i didnt say anything....mostly due in part to we crossed into Indiana....we, well I, saw signs that said Valparaiso, Michigan City....all cities in indiana, so i was just expecting for indianapolis to show up on the one of the mileage signs...NOPE....after about close to an hour and at least 69 miles worth of driving, we began to come up on a big sign that caught my attention....it was right after we passed michigan city and were having a conversation about being in jail and what jail an ex of mine is in...i was saying i think it was that one....next thing i know, i have to interrupt gabby talking to say, yeah umm.....i dont think we are on the right highway because we just passed a sign that said "welcome to Pure Michigan...."....i was floored.....there was nothing to do but laugh....i mean we had been driving for awhile and keep in mind by this time i was after two am....the road we were on consisted of us and a semi every 15 miles.....it was dark as hell.....gabby says....
"no this has to be the right road because here's all the construction we passed earlier"....lol...i love gabby....i said "gabby....the construction we were on earlier had both directions on one side, traveling in one lane, which is why it was backed up.....(yeah, got caught in a serious traffic jam on the way)....the construction were passing now was nothing more than the orange and white barrels decorating the road and giving you less room to swerve....so...the only smart thing to do would be to get off on the next exit right?....
the next exit that came up was a darker than the highway....it was a winding exit and i didnt see ANY sign of life, animals, UFO's ...nothing...it looked like a trap to the Last House on the Left.....i pushed the pedal to the floor and we zoomed past.....laughing.....
....the next exit, which was roughly, 10-15 miles away....same deal....pedal to medal time again.....we probably drove an extra 30 miles just looking for an exit to get off on that had lights, cameras and action.....
...finally we pull up at a station and got out to go find out where we were....the men, one in a country boy hat, probably laughed hard at us after we left....they told us to head 'BACK TO CHICAGO' and catch the highway from there...and the rest of this story will be cont later...
my hands hurt from typing and i've had virtually 3 hours of sleep in the last 24 hours.
BUT make sure you come back for part two, which will chronicle us making it home six and a half hours later, witnessing a UFO or something very eerily similar to it and my struggle to stay awake...oh...and a video of it all while on the road...which by itself is chucked full of humor...love ya'll
*and if my pen should run out of ink, i will purchase a new one*
i got home this morning at 630.....when i saw the first sign that said 465 i almost pulled the car over and proceeded to get out and kiss the ground.....i was so sleepy that i literally think i fell asleep while driving, all with my eyes open and carrying on a conversation that went from my troublesome relationship with a nonsupportive boyfriend who i am still in love with to touring, to semi trucks and how often their wheels fall off....lol....
when we left chicago, it was 1am ...130 at the latest....my sister in names, Kendria aka KLove who is a PHENOMENAL POET!!! if you like me, trust me and check her out....she did three poems last night that were the epitome of greatness and i am officially a new fan...i only wish i could have afforded to purchase her cd...i actually meant to suggest a trade, but somehow i forgot...
but i digress...
KLove showed us the way to the highway home....the highway....wow....a combo pack of I90 and I94....one of them takes you to indianapolis, one of them takes you to detroit...both will lead you to indiana, one just happens to lead you to michigan .....the one that led to michigan, of course, is the one we took.....
what does it matter who was driving (me) or how we missed it.....all i know, is we had been rolling...making good time, hitting miles by the dozens on 80mph.....i was noticing that none of the signs said Indianapolis....and that the scenery wasnt very familiar....and considering we came and left in one night, i think i could remember at least one building to help guide the way.....but i didnt say anything....mostly due in part to we crossed into Indiana....we, well I, saw signs that said Valparaiso, Michigan City....all cities in indiana, so i was just expecting for indianapolis to show up on the one of the mileage signs...NOPE....after about close to an hour and at least 69 miles worth of driving, we began to come up on a big sign that caught my attention....it was right after we passed michigan city and were having a conversation about being in jail and what jail an ex of mine is in...i was saying i think it was that one....next thing i know, i have to interrupt gabby talking to say, yeah umm.....i dont think we are on the right highway because we just passed a sign that said "welcome to Pure Michigan...."....i was floored.....there was nothing to do but laugh....i mean we had been driving for awhile and keep in mind by this time i was after two am....the road we were on consisted of us and a semi every 15 miles.....it was dark as hell.....gabby says....
"no this has to be the right road because here's all the construction we passed earlier"....lol...i love gabby....i said "gabby....the construction we were on earlier had both directions on one side, traveling in one lane, which is why it was backed up.....(yeah, got caught in a serious traffic jam on the way)....the construction were passing now was nothing more than the orange and white barrels decorating the road and giving you less room to swerve....so...the only smart thing to do would be to get off on the next exit right?....
the next exit that came up was a darker than the highway....it was a winding exit and i didnt see ANY sign of life, animals, UFO's ...nothing...it looked like a trap to the Last House on the Left.....i pushed the pedal to the floor and we zoomed past.....laughing.....
....the next exit, which was roughly, 10-15 miles away....same deal....pedal to medal time again.....we probably drove an extra 30 miles just looking for an exit to get off on that had lights, cameras and action.....
...finally we pull up at a station and got out to go find out where we were....the men, one in a country boy hat, probably laughed hard at us after we left....they told us to head 'BACK TO CHICAGO' and catch the highway from there...and the rest of this story will be cont later...
my hands hurt from typing and i've had virtually 3 hours of sleep in the last 24 hours.
BUT make sure you come back for part two, which will chronicle us making it home six and a half hours later, witnessing a UFO or something very eerily similar to it and my struggle to stay awake...oh...and a video of it all while on the road...which by itself is chucked full of humor...love ya'll
*and if my pen should run out of ink, i will purchase a new one*
10.18.2009
SS Dream has bad timing.
and so the journey has begun.....
and decisions are on the dining room table waiting on me to make them into reality....and the reality is i dont know what to do....i guess i should be blogging about my last few experiences featuring in spots....i featured, sorta but not really....ended up getting the shaft so to speak, in KY....but i still had a good time and enjoyed some nice Reisling....plus, i didnt go home broke by any means, so i managed to do what i went to do....
stamp - SUCCESS
lets see....i featured, sorta, just really did a couple of poems at an AKA event a couple nights back and that was fun...the audience was all women, so i was right at home, being that i'm a woman AND an AKA at heart...they fed me, gave me a giftcard so i could buy myself something and bought cds.....
stamp - SUCCESS
Went to Ohio last night for a feature spot that has been booked for awhile...i'm sorry....this is my blog so i can say what i want to say, but it was a bust....i got paid to come, but i only sold two cds....we were in a spot that doubled as a club, so the club goers had arrived by the time i got on stage.....and when i say they weren't listening....they werent listening.....the people who wanted to hear poetry were listening though and i had a couple of people come up to me afterwards and hug me.....that always means a lot to me, no matter the circumstances...it was a hard crowd....i dont have really mean hateful poetry....im not in your face like a monster at a haunted house....i have plenty of erotic poetry, but i never share it....or memorize it....i'm really all about the words.....a lot of my poetry is serious.....personal....not a lot of finger pointing and when i do point my finger, i always try to keep one pointed at myself....if need be.....sooooo....i say all that to say, the stuff i was doing last night wasnt what they wanted to hear....hey its a learning process....lot of conversations were taking place while i was performing and i usually can spit right on top of someone's full blown conversation, but there were several taking place when i was up....i messed up my poems, which i hardly ever do when i'm featuring....i will massacre a poem at an open mic and dont care, but usually when im featuring, im pretty good...i take it serious and i put time and thought into what i'm doing.....trust me....the poems i did last night were so deeply ingrained in my head that the fact that i messed up more than once surprised myself...i couldnt get the noise out of my head.....the conversations, the things my personal thoughts were saying, seeing the poem on page, which is how i go from memory....i had a lot of noise going on up there and by the time i did my last poem, i was over it.....they were over me....they weren't feeling me.....and i felt it.....i was embarrassed.....disappointed in myself for not repping hard like i usually try to do....hell for what its worth i was trying last night....but hey....if this is my life forever, then it won't always be great....every experience isnt going to go the way i want it, and i respect that and all you can do is keep it moving....And the person that brought us down is such a sweetheart....such a sister poet in so many ways....she paid us for coming and has offered her place for us to stay if we need it whenever we return....she sat in the front the entire time we were performing....i got a dose of Xplicit, who i happen to like and like i said...the people who wanted to hear poetry, heard it....i just wish i could have did better...but thats on me....like i said...its a learning process....now i see why i'm still a rookie...lol....plus...i Still LOVE Ohio....sooo
Stamp - FAIL/Success
so thats what i've been doing....and now comes the tour.....to do it or not to do it.....we are supposed to leave on november 3 and who knows when we are coming back....in all honesty, i dont even care when we come back, as long as we come back because i have dogs to take care of....but here's where the decisions come into play....i have an interview tomorrow after i leave my therapists office.....its nothing spectacular and its NOTHING i WANT to do...its at the mall....i hate working retail more than anything.....i always end up quitting, no call no show.....but i've been without a job for so long that i can't not take the interview and damn near , i can't not take the job.....
or can i
i can go on this tour for the next month, come back with a little bit of money and still needing a job to keep my head floating and get to working on my cd which i want out by my birthday so i can move on to where my heart really is....publishing my book....
or
i can take the job, if i get it, miss the tour, go to work, earn a paycheck that won't be that much, but will be something.....i will be totally unhappy, distraught and disappointed....and we're going to the east coast too????!!!!! OMG....it will be a crushing blow not to go, but i can't just act like i dont NEED a job....i do...i have a household to maintain....i am currently running an energy assistance marathon trying to get help right now...needing the government's help is a serious blow to my pride.....and taking this job would mean the end of that.....
but
if i take it....when will i get to go on tour....?? when will the opportunity come back around and if we are supposed to live every day like there is no tomorrow, why should i start pretending tomorrow is promised now and plan to go on tour "later on".....
i could go on and on about the pros and cons, but thats for me and my prayers i guess.....im caught in between a delinquent bill and the SS Dream....my ship is finally pulling up to the dock....this is tour could make or break me.....it could get me exposed or expose me....i'm looking for the signs, i'm praying for the answers.....my mind is far from made up, but i'm leaning heavily towards ground zero.....hell i've been on it for so long now, whats an extra month.....
i'm trying not to over think it.....the plane tickets have already been purchased...its just a matter of getting up and leaving that day.....my interview is at five tomorrow...my plan is to say that i have a temp job right now that doesnt end until december 1 and i could start immediately....that way, if i get the job, i will have something to come home to.....i have no family to talk to about this.....they would say take the job.....i have no boyfriend to talk to about this.....he would say take the job.....a lot of poets say go on tour.....i'm trying to find out who is speaking on behalf of what Jesus wants....i know what i want....both!!!....who doesnt want to eat their cake?? (you catch that one...think on it...lol) ....in order to do the tour, i have to have faith in myself and trust in the Lord.....i have to....i have to believe the things that are said to me....that i am pretty good at this....that i can do this....that God made me for this....and that He has my back....what am i willing to sacrifice in order to see to that my dreams are realized, therefore eliminating my daily struggle....i know i have said it before....and i dont care....this always trips me out....i have a text in my phone from Taalam Acey telling me that if anyone has the talent for spoken word, its me.....TAALAM ACEY I SAID!!! this man has been around the world, found his baby and set her free....and he's telling me that i'm good....??? how do i think of that, and i know God did that....i know He put that in his heart to say....to feel.....how do i think of that and not tour....what have i been holding onto that text for if i'm going to pass the tour and reduce myself to "would you like to save ten percent today".....and while i'm on the subject of Taalam Acey....he has a poem on Market for Change called God's Work.....and what if thats what we are doing.....us poets.....
now....if that is true, that we the poets are doing God's work, then why should i be afraid of leaving....my only fear is failing when i get back home...not while i'm out....im trying to survive once i get back and i've been underwater so long now...i've drowned so many time and have needed resuscitation repeatedly....hell just the other day i wouldnt let the dogs in the house because the light man was trying to cut me off.....
it worked though....but i'm tired of that....i dont want to go thru this....i'm depressed because of all my money problems....i feel like i failure four out of seven days.....unless i have a show on those four days....and a job could take that away.....but are there going to be no jobs when i get back.....geeeeez this is killing me...
i feel like i have so much to prove...outside of the poetry family i have managed to create around me, i dont have anyone who believes in what i'm doing the way i believe in it.....most of the people in my life think this is a joke....a hobby....but its my heart....my dream....and my life....
and what i do with it, isnt up for anyone's debate.....the ship is at the dock....will i put my luggage on it and sail away with my heart in tact....
,....or after waiting all this time, will i wave at it and watch it take off without me....hoping with my broken heart that it will return someday.
thats alot to think on.
and decisions are on the dining room table waiting on me to make them into reality....and the reality is i dont know what to do....i guess i should be blogging about my last few experiences featuring in spots....i featured, sorta but not really....ended up getting the shaft so to speak, in KY....but i still had a good time and enjoyed some nice Reisling....plus, i didnt go home broke by any means, so i managed to do what i went to do....
stamp - SUCCESS
lets see....i featured, sorta, just really did a couple of poems at an AKA event a couple nights back and that was fun...the audience was all women, so i was right at home, being that i'm a woman AND an AKA at heart...they fed me, gave me a giftcard so i could buy myself something and bought cds.....
stamp - SUCCESS
Went to Ohio last night for a feature spot that has been booked for awhile...i'm sorry....this is my blog so i can say what i want to say, but it was a bust....i got paid to come, but i only sold two cds....we were in a spot that doubled as a club, so the club goers had arrived by the time i got on stage.....and when i say they weren't listening....they werent listening.....the people who wanted to hear poetry were listening though and i had a couple of people come up to me afterwards and hug me.....that always means a lot to me, no matter the circumstances...it was a hard crowd....i dont have really mean hateful poetry....im not in your face like a monster at a haunted house....i have plenty of erotic poetry, but i never share it....or memorize it....i'm really all about the words.....a lot of my poetry is serious.....personal....not a lot of finger pointing and when i do point my finger, i always try to keep one pointed at myself....if need be.....sooooo....i say all that to say, the stuff i was doing last night wasnt what they wanted to hear....hey its a learning process....lot of conversations were taking place while i was performing and i usually can spit right on top of someone's full blown conversation, but there were several taking place when i was up....i messed up my poems, which i hardly ever do when i'm featuring....i will massacre a poem at an open mic and dont care, but usually when im featuring, im pretty good...i take it serious and i put time and thought into what i'm doing.....trust me....the poems i did last night were so deeply ingrained in my head that the fact that i messed up more than once surprised myself...i couldnt get the noise out of my head.....the conversations, the things my personal thoughts were saying, seeing the poem on page, which is how i go from memory....i had a lot of noise going on up there and by the time i did my last poem, i was over it.....they were over me....they weren't feeling me.....and i felt it.....i was embarrassed.....disappointed in myself for not repping hard like i usually try to do....hell for what its worth i was trying last night....but hey....if this is my life forever, then it won't always be great....every experience isnt going to go the way i want it, and i respect that and all you can do is keep it moving....And the person that brought us down is such a sweetheart....such a sister poet in so many ways....she paid us for coming and has offered her place for us to stay if we need it whenever we return....she sat in the front the entire time we were performing....i got a dose of Xplicit, who i happen to like and like i said...the people who wanted to hear poetry, heard it....i just wish i could have did better...but thats on me....like i said...its a learning process....now i see why i'm still a rookie...lol....plus...i Still LOVE Ohio....sooo
Stamp - FAIL/Success
so thats what i've been doing....and now comes the tour.....to do it or not to do it.....we are supposed to leave on november 3 and who knows when we are coming back....in all honesty, i dont even care when we come back, as long as we come back because i have dogs to take care of....but here's where the decisions come into play....i have an interview tomorrow after i leave my therapists office.....its nothing spectacular and its NOTHING i WANT to do...its at the mall....i hate working retail more than anything.....i always end up quitting, no call no show.....but i've been without a job for so long that i can't not take the interview and damn near , i can't not take the job.....
or can i
i can go on this tour for the next month, come back with a little bit of money and still needing a job to keep my head floating and get to working on my cd which i want out by my birthday so i can move on to where my heart really is....publishing my book....
or
i can take the job, if i get it, miss the tour, go to work, earn a paycheck that won't be that much, but will be something.....i will be totally unhappy, distraught and disappointed....and we're going to the east coast too????!!!!! OMG....it will be a crushing blow not to go, but i can't just act like i dont NEED a job....i do...i have a household to maintain....i am currently running an energy assistance marathon trying to get help right now...needing the government's help is a serious blow to my pride.....and taking this job would mean the end of that.....
but
if i take it....when will i get to go on tour....?? when will the opportunity come back around and if we are supposed to live every day like there is no tomorrow, why should i start pretending tomorrow is promised now and plan to go on tour "later on".....
i could go on and on about the pros and cons, but thats for me and my prayers i guess.....im caught in between a delinquent bill and the SS Dream....my ship is finally pulling up to the dock....this is tour could make or break me.....it could get me exposed or expose me....i'm looking for the signs, i'm praying for the answers.....my mind is far from made up, but i'm leaning heavily towards ground zero.....hell i've been on it for so long now, whats an extra month.....
i'm trying not to over think it.....the plane tickets have already been purchased...its just a matter of getting up and leaving that day.....my interview is at five tomorrow...my plan is to say that i have a temp job right now that doesnt end until december 1 and i could start immediately....that way, if i get the job, i will have something to come home to.....i have no family to talk to about this.....they would say take the job.....i have no boyfriend to talk to about this.....he would say take the job.....a lot of poets say go on tour.....i'm trying to find out who is speaking on behalf of what Jesus wants....i know what i want....both!!!....who doesnt want to eat their cake?? (you catch that one...think on it...lol) ....in order to do the tour, i have to have faith in myself and trust in the Lord.....i have to....i have to believe the things that are said to me....that i am pretty good at this....that i can do this....that God made me for this....and that He has my back....what am i willing to sacrifice in order to see to that my dreams are realized, therefore eliminating my daily struggle....i know i have said it before....and i dont care....this always trips me out....i have a text in my phone from Taalam Acey telling me that if anyone has the talent for spoken word, its me.....TAALAM ACEY I SAID!!! this man has been around the world, found his baby and set her free....and he's telling me that i'm good....??? how do i think of that, and i know God did that....i know He put that in his heart to say....to feel.....how do i think of that and not tour....what have i been holding onto that text for if i'm going to pass the tour and reduce myself to "would you like to save ten percent today".....and while i'm on the subject of Taalam Acey....he has a poem on Market for Change called God's Work.....and what if thats what we are doing.....us poets.....
now....if that is true, that we the poets are doing God's work, then why should i be afraid of leaving....my only fear is failing when i get back home...not while i'm out....im trying to survive once i get back and i've been underwater so long now...i've drowned so many time and have needed resuscitation repeatedly....hell just the other day i wouldnt let the dogs in the house because the light man was trying to cut me off.....
it worked though....but i'm tired of that....i dont want to go thru this....i'm depressed because of all my money problems....i feel like i failure four out of seven days.....unless i have a show on those four days....and a job could take that away.....but are there going to be no jobs when i get back.....geeeeez this is killing me...
i feel like i have so much to prove...outside of the poetry family i have managed to create around me, i dont have anyone who believes in what i'm doing the way i believe in it.....most of the people in my life think this is a joke....a hobby....but its my heart....my dream....and my life....
and what i do with it, isnt up for anyone's debate.....the ship is at the dock....will i put my luggage on it and sail away with my heart in tact....
,....or after waiting all this time, will i wave at it and watch it take off without me....hoping with my broken heart that it will return someday.
thats alot to think on.
10.02.2009
Kick it in the Ghoalie
I"m back...
up and running again....
it's time i list out the expectations i have of myself, so if nothing else, it's in print, for me to see, whenever i get ahold of one of the many bad, long days i have....
First things first, i need a job....i have spent this week applying for job after job...i have thrown my desires to the ground and am standing on them....while i still cannot work or even apply for a fast food/waitress position, i have put in several applications for retail....the fact that none of them have called me back, or at least to my knowledge, will not bother me....at least not today....
i plan on calling them all on wednesday of next week anyway....someone is going to hire me....i can really do nothing but laugh at my unemployment at this point because i am a really good employee....i mean, when the situation is as dire as it is now, i go giving my all.....now i can say once i see i am as disposable as toilet paper, then maybe i fall off a little bit and turn into a slacker....but the truth of the matter is that i do a really good job at whatever my job is ....so its a bit disheartening, but very funny that no one seems to be in a hurry to offer me a job....i have debated in my head back and forth about what me getting fired from my last job, for seeminly no real reason, means...sometimes i think i have it figured out, and other times i dont....i putting forth the effort and aint getting nothing in return, but i just keep telling myself to keep the faith and believe that this will all get much better than what it is now.....man...even talking about it depresses me almost instantly....so...
after that hurdle has been tackled, i can begin to fund this astronomical amount of dreams taking place in my brain....
first on the list...:
1. release my first full cd....
wow....i can't believe i dont have a full cd out yet, but at the same time, i'm glad i dont....i have grown so much in my writings and with what i want my cd to do, mean and sound like, so having it out anytime before now would have been more of a disservice to the people who bought it....i know the sound i'm looking for...i know what i want...i haven't picked out any poems for it because im always writing new stuff, so i figured i'd just wait to begin the poem picking process until i can start going to the studio on a regular basis and get this job done....too be honest, i want my cd to be released on my 31st birthday.....but if not, its cool too...i'll just go to vegas....i want to show who i am, what i am about and what i like...i want people to give me 10 dollars and walk away rich...i want to work with live artists, live music...i mean there is so much riding on this for me....i have set this bar for myself....people really dug Say Something....and i dont feel as though it will be a problem with whatever comes out next for cd, which has been titled for about the last five months....i want people to love this cd...i want them to listen to it and cry....laugh....tell others to listen to it and play it for people when they least expect it....thats what i want to do CD-wise....
2. Release my first ever book...unless you count the book i released in the fourth grade..:) ...probably not huh...ok...it was worth a try.....anyway....i have a file of books that i have created that need nothing more than to be transferred to Adobe Pagemaker.....i'm excited for them all....some are still just ideas brewing and others are electric copies that make me proud just looking at the titles....i love my titles....like in real life...i love titles....titles are what makes me buy books from authors i've never heard of before....so needless to say, i put time and thought into my book titles....didnt research them or get them from anyone else's ideas or brains.....this is solely me....and the first book to be released, which is the most simple of them all, has a wonderful and catchy title, that i will hold onto until its time for it to be released... i am confident that at least one or two ppl will see the title and want it just to see what the hell it is.....i am not 100% complete on this one....it is among the newest of ideas of books, but i've gotten a decent format, and about 30 poems in it already....in my mind, it would be amazing if i could release both the book and the cd together....wow....that's something to shoot for....even if it doesnt happen.....so thats what i'm doing....shooting for the stars....these two are my top priorities...i am trying to establish myself as not just a spoken word artist, but a literary figure as well.....not even just a poem...i am a writer...i have said that a thousand times, and this will be my way of proving it.....
funding these two projects will be ridiculous because it is just me backing me, but that is more of the reason to do it.....and get it done....i have nothing to prove to anyone but myself....i am my own worst critic in real life and i really am out to prove to the part of me that has no problem seeing things for what they really aren't....the part of me that says i am in the wrong field....i won't make it...the doubter in me...i have to prove to her otherwise....so if that means i will go bankrupt in order to be able to look at my reflection and smile at it, then there it is.....
its just about getting over the biggest hurdle so far....getting a job....
and for now...
those are the top two priorities....
trust me...where those two leave off, at least 12 other ideas are waiting in line to be next....thats it for now....
and if my pen should run out of ink before i can refill it....let it be said that i tried my best to write life on pages....
up and running again....
it's time i list out the expectations i have of myself, so if nothing else, it's in print, for me to see, whenever i get ahold of one of the many bad, long days i have....
First things first, i need a job....i have spent this week applying for job after job...i have thrown my desires to the ground and am standing on them....while i still cannot work or even apply for a fast food/waitress position, i have put in several applications for retail....the fact that none of them have called me back, or at least to my knowledge, will not bother me....at least not today....
i plan on calling them all on wednesday of next week anyway....someone is going to hire me....i can really do nothing but laugh at my unemployment at this point because i am a really good employee....i mean, when the situation is as dire as it is now, i go giving my all.....now i can say once i see i am as disposable as toilet paper, then maybe i fall off a little bit and turn into a slacker....but the truth of the matter is that i do a really good job at whatever my job is ....so its a bit disheartening, but very funny that no one seems to be in a hurry to offer me a job....i have debated in my head back and forth about what me getting fired from my last job, for seeminly no real reason, means...sometimes i think i have it figured out, and other times i dont....i putting forth the effort and aint getting nothing in return, but i just keep telling myself to keep the faith and believe that this will all get much better than what it is now.....man...even talking about it depresses me almost instantly....so...
after that hurdle has been tackled, i can begin to fund this astronomical amount of dreams taking place in my brain....
first on the list...:
1. release my first full cd....
wow....i can't believe i dont have a full cd out yet, but at the same time, i'm glad i dont....i have grown so much in my writings and with what i want my cd to do, mean and sound like, so having it out anytime before now would have been more of a disservice to the people who bought it....i know the sound i'm looking for...i know what i want...i haven't picked out any poems for it because im always writing new stuff, so i figured i'd just wait to begin the poem picking process until i can start going to the studio on a regular basis and get this job done....too be honest, i want my cd to be released on my 31st birthday.....but if not, its cool too...i'll just go to vegas....i want to show who i am, what i am about and what i like...i want people to give me 10 dollars and walk away rich...i want to work with live artists, live music...i mean there is so much riding on this for me....i have set this bar for myself....people really dug Say Something....and i dont feel as though it will be a problem with whatever comes out next for cd, which has been titled for about the last five months....i want people to love this cd...i want them to listen to it and cry....laugh....tell others to listen to it and play it for people when they least expect it....thats what i want to do CD-wise....
2. Release my first ever book...unless you count the book i released in the fourth grade..:) ...probably not huh...ok...it was worth a try.....anyway....i have a file of books that i have created that need nothing more than to be transferred to Adobe Pagemaker.....i'm excited for them all....some are still just ideas brewing and others are electric copies that make me proud just looking at the titles....i love my titles....like in real life...i love titles....titles are what makes me buy books from authors i've never heard of before....so needless to say, i put time and thought into my book titles....didnt research them or get them from anyone else's ideas or brains.....this is solely me....and the first book to be released, which is the most simple of them all, has a wonderful and catchy title, that i will hold onto until its time for it to be released... i am confident that at least one or two ppl will see the title and want it just to see what the hell it is.....i am not 100% complete on this one....it is among the newest of ideas of books, but i've gotten a decent format, and about 30 poems in it already....in my mind, it would be amazing if i could release both the book and the cd together....wow....that's something to shoot for....even if it doesnt happen.....so thats what i'm doing....shooting for the stars....these two are my top priorities...i am trying to establish myself as not just a spoken word artist, but a literary figure as well.....not even just a poem...i am a writer...i have said that a thousand times, and this will be my way of proving it.....
funding these two projects will be ridiculous because it is just me backing me, but that is more of the reason to do it.....and get it done....i have nothing to prove to anyone but myself....i am my own worst critic in real life and i really am out to prove to the part of me that has no problem seeing things for what they really aren't....the part of me that says i am in the wrong field....i won't make it...the doubter in me...i have to prove to her otherwise....so if that means i will go bankrupt in order to be able to look at my reflection and smile at it, then there it is.....
its just about getting over the biggest hurdle so far....getting a job....
and for now...
those are the top two priorities....
trust me...where those two leave off, at least 12 other ideas are waiting in line to be next....thats it for now....
and if my pen should run out of ink before i can refill it....let it be said that i tried my best to write life on pages....
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