10.24.2009

things im thinking about before the tour

today is saturday....
a week from today, my mom will be turning 52...maybe i shouldnt have said that...hmm...she won't mind, i'm sure she doesnt read my blogs anyway....three days after my moms birthday, i'll be leaving town for a month....
....a week from tuesday morning and i'll be taking to the skies.....
i hate flying....and i love it all the same....
flying makes me nonstop nervous, on the verge of panic and anxiety attacks, and its all about control....something that i know longer have....but this flight i think will be different....on this flight, i am in a different mindset, going somewhere different with a different set of goals....
i will be boarding this flight with trust in my heart.....not just for the flight....but for the 30 day trip itself....i can't wait to leave....and i will take whatever are the necessary measures involved in order for me to have a flight minus a heart attack or nervous breakdown....i still can't deny the beauty in flying....seeing the bottom....the mystery above the clouds...the colors....the feeling of floating....until turbulence speeds my heartbeat up...
this is the ultimate flight for me...i've never flown anywhere but to and from atlanta...this is to north carolina...i dont know how long the flight is, but i know its not a straight thru flight, which means, we will land and go right back up again....i've never done that...never wanted to....once i'm down, i usually need a few days to recooperate about what just happened before i can go back up to popping ears....
but i digress...it will be ok...

these are just some of things i am thinking about before the tour....

i need to wash...i have a two baskets (i know...dont judge me) full of clothes that will have to be washed in the next few days....i also need to clean my entire house, so i come home to a welcoming, cold, but welcoming home....the heat won't be turned on until i after i get back...shout out to energy assistance for helping, but not really, therefore defeating the purpose....

but i digress....

so i want to come home to a clean house and i want who ever im going to get to help me with the dogs to come over to a clean house.....soooo...in the next seven days i will be nonstop busy i guess....i need to pack...i need to clean, wash and pack....one suitcase...i will literally be living out of one suitcase for the next 30 days....i will not be paying for luggage or whatnot and what ever other unnecessary expenses the airlines can find to charge ....i havent decided what to take and what to leave....
dont know what shoes i will bring, or whether or not my laptop is coming....havent decided on the jewelry....all i know for sure is my glove is coming cause thats my signature....SashaJackson....(my gloves name)

i always pack with paranoia when i go out of town...i take stuff that i like and still look good in, but that i can stand to lose in case of an emergency.....but im going to do my thang, so i have to go doing it the way i normally do it....i wont be bringing my best, but i have to look good...PLUS...i plan on coming home with a pair of shoes or two from another city....hence another reason to pack as light as possible....

these are just some of the things i am thinking about one week before my trip....

my dogs....wow....my ex really threw me a curb ball with this one...not knowing who will take care of  them is reason enough for me to stay....my dogs are my children, and it doesnt matter who doesnt agree or understand...i will never have real kids, so this is it, as michael jackson can say...!!!...and they are really picky....i dont want to ask my mom because so many people are pulling here in so many different directions right now, that i just dont think it would be fair, even though its right next door...i dont need to add to her stress.....my ex hit the bailout button on me....and there is really no one else....but rather than letting this defeat me, i will figure it out in the next week as well...

im leaving...
wow....
30 days....
not even sure when i'm coming home...just the uncertainty of everything is comforting to me...not knowing what will happen or when i'm coming back...just a ball park figure.....i love it...its  something that i've always wanted to do....and i'm about to do it....on my favorite side of the US...the east coast...im stepping out on faith and trust, following my heart....for every person that i feel doesnt back me or believe in what im doing, there are at least two more telling me to take the world....that i can do it...i deserve to do it....and its mine..just go get it....this is what i was made for right...?

i'm leaving my friends..
my girls....the ones that come over and keep me company, sane and laughing...the new connections...or connection...i'll miss that person too....i hope they will think of me as much as i will think of them....my dogs..so spoiled...ms p. and lazzie...
.no more girls nights and more than likely no pineapple express for the next 30 days...im coming back detoxed and will probably get high on one puff....no more midtown....well...havent really been much midtown for me anyway...but no more earth house or other random open mics....38th street....
...cornelius avenue.....no more loud ass kings of leon playing either in my car or the house....none of that...all of that will be on hold until i come back....sometime in early december....i am doing this the big girl way...im going on tour...me and my poetry....my words...my thoughts....
we are taking the east coast.....the Irregular Flow tour...i can't believe it...the closer the days get, the more i can't believe it...its starting to set in....
...the fact that i will miss so many and so much, but will gain even more....NYC...im coming...im headed to my all time favorite spot in the US....

my first tour....my first time to see if i REALLY have it...which i dont doubt too much because i've been quite a few different places with predominantly good results....

so much fear....questions...will i ..? i wonder...can i ?....should i ?....
few answers...
but one constant...
just do it...
and i am
finally.
my time has come....

these are just some of the things i'm thinking about as i get ready to leave for tour...in 10 days...

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