I"m back...
up and running again....
it's time i list out the expectations i have of myself, so if nothing else, it's in print, for me to see, whenever i get ahold of one of the many bad, long days i have....
First things first, i need a job....i have spent this week applying for job after job...i have thrown my desires to the ground and am standing on them....while i still cannot work or even apply for a fast food/waitress position, i have put in several applications for retail....the fact that none of them have called me back, or at least to my knowledge, will not bother me....at least not today....
i plan on calling them all on wednesday of next week anyway....someone is going to hire me....i can really do nothing but laugh at my unemployment at this point because i am a really good employee....i mean, when the situation is as dire as it is now, i go giving my all.....now i can say once i see i am as disposable as toilet paper, then maybe i fall off a little bit and turn into a slacker....but the truth of the matter is that i do a really good job at whatever my job is ....so its a bit disheartening, but very funny that no one seems to be in a hurry to offer me a job....i have debated in my head back and forth about what me getting fired from my last job, for seeminly no real reason, means...sometimes i think i have it figured out, and other times i dont....i putting forth the effort and aint getting nothing in return, but i just keep telling myself to keep the faith and believe that this will all get much better than what it is now.....man...even talking about it depresses me almost instantly....so...
after that hurdle has been tackled, i can begin to fund this astronomical amount of dreams taking place in my brain....
first on the list...:
1. release my first full cd....
wow....i can't believe i dont have a full cd out yet, but at the same time, i'm glad i dont....i have grown so much in my writings and with what i want my cd to do, mean and sound like, so having it out anytime before now would have been more of a disservice to the people who bought it....i know the sound i'm looking for...i know what i want...i haven't picked out any poems for it because im always writing new stuff, so i figured i'd just wait to begin the poem picking process until i can start going to the studio on a regular basis and get this job done....too be honest, i want my cd to be released on my 31st birthday.....but if not, its cool too...i'll just go to vegas....i want to show who i am, what i am about and what i like...i want people to give me 10 dollars and walk away rich...i want to work with live artists, live music...i mean there is so much riding on this for me....i have set this bar for myself....people really dug Say Something....and i dont feel as though it will be a problem with whatever comes out next for cd, which has been titled for about the last five months....i want people to love this cd...i want them to listen to it and cry....laugh....tell others to listen to it and play it for people when they least expect it....thats what i want to do CD-wise....
2. Release my first ever book...unless you count the book i released in the fourth grade..:) ...probably not huh...ok...it was worth a try.....anyway....i have a file of books that i have created that need nothing more than to be transferred to Adobe Pagemaker.....i'm excited for them all....some are still just ideas brewing and others are electric copies that make me proud just looking at the titles....i love my titles....like in real life...i love titles....titles are what makes me buy books from authors i've never heard of before....so needless to say, i put time and thought into my book titles....didnt research them or get them from anyone else's ideas or brains.....this is solely me....and the first book to be released, which is the most simple of them all, has a wonderful and catchy title, that i will hold onto until its time for it to be released... i am confident that at least one or two ppl will see the title and want it just to see what the hell it is.....i am not 100% complete on this one....it is among the newest of ideas of books, but i've gotten a decent format, and about 30 poems in it already....in my mind, it would be amazing if i could release both the book and the cd together....wow....that's something to shoot for....even if it doesnt happen.....so thats what i'm doing....shooting for the stars....these two are my top priorities...i am trying to establish myself as not just a spoken word artist, but a literary figure as well.....not even just a poem...i am a writer...i have said that a thousand times, and this will be my way of proving it.....
funding these two projects will be ridiculous because it is just me backing me, but that is more of the reason to do it.....and get it done....i have nothing to prove to anyone but myself....i am my own worst critic in real life and i really am out to prove to the part of me that has no problem seeing things for what they really aren't....the part of me that says i am in the wrong field....i won't make it...the doubter in me...i have to prove to her otherwise....so if that means i will go bankrupt in order to be able to look at my reflection and smile at it, then there it is.....
its just about getting over the biggest hurdle so far....getting a job....
and for now...
those are the top two priorities....
trust me...where those two leave off, at least 12 other ideas are waiting in line to be next....thats it for now....
and if my pen should run out of ink before i can refill it....let it be said that i tried my best to write life on pages....
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