9.30.2009

days like today...

days like today are the ones i hate the most....they are the hardest to master....the hardest to get thru....i'm sitting in the art museum, of course, kind of chilling online...i'm a little bit of everywhere, doing a little bit of everything from networking to playing farm town....but my head is like a zig zag of a maze that this little marble is just rolling around in from one corner to the next.....
...i'm thinking....probably too hard...
i had this same kind of day yesterday, but to my surprise, i was able to beat it.....
the problem?
belief...motivation....questions....self esteem.....
every since i made the decision to leave the label i was on, i have traded question for answer a thousand times.....the same question, different answer everytime.....
is this the right thing and can i do this, full time, all the time, successfully???
sometimes i say yes, and sometimes i say no.....usually when i say no, i try to think of at least three different reasons why that's the wrong answer....whether its something someone said or something i know in my heart.....the only reason i ever answer that question with a no is out of fear....fear of losing....fear of not being successful at it....
and i will admit...leaving the label left me with a lot of extra baggage on my shoulder....there are ppl who think i "NEED" certain people in my life in order to be successful at this....there are people who doubt me, and they are as close as next door to me sometimes....there are people who wonder why didnt i choose a different path, be why didnt go straight to college, get a job and become a successful employee with a husband and child or why didnt i stay on the label....
and its funny...
since i left the label, i will say they have been everywhere performing....and that doesnt bother me because i am intentionally not out anywhere...i have  turned down opportunities to perform and i just wanna do things my way, with my vision and that be it.....so thats doesnt bother me....
but i am still standing still.....and i have reasoning behind that....mostly monetary reasoning.....so its only days like today that it bothers me....
days where i wish to God i could be sending facebook messages from a different state....by myself.....wishing i didnt have to depend on any one else and i could just get up and go and make shit happen the way i want it to.....thats my ultimate goal....i want to unveil my "alter alter ego" on my birthday....
i guess she would be nsaychable's alter ego.....her name is NinaRoxiee....the rockstar poet....and when i say unveil, i mean i have a whole new set of rules i'm playing by....
i have a whole new attitude that i want to share....and its not a different me or a made up person, its me with out my scared glasses on.....and quiet as kept, nsay still wears a pair of those shades....ninaroxiee will just make a guest appearane hear and there, but  what i have in store is much bigger than me...
but...i'm still scared...
nervous
...i've never been really good at networking with ppl until the recent years and even now i'm not the best at it, but i also know it doesnt take much to network....but on days like to day, i'm scared ....
i wonder if i can do it....and in my heart i know i can
but days like today are filled with too many what if's to ignore completely.....
...i'll be honest....cause as i have said...this is an honest blog....i have thought many a nights about pulling out the black trashbag in my dining room closet.....i still have at least 50 outfits, so to speak....at least 2 pairs of heels...i could easily fall off in someone's club and make some money....money is the central issue of all my problems....it is the force holding me back from pursuing what i want to do so that i can fail....with the absence of money, i am able to focus more time on creating new questions instead of better luck next time's....
yesterday i put in about five applications at the mall.....i imagined myself working in retail and almost through up in my mouth a little bit....but i would and am willing to do it....even though i KNOW it aint paying nothing....its paying more than what i'm making now....after i left out of every store, i felt defeated....as if my application would go unnoticed....i put open in every single box from desired pay to weekly schedule....i agreed to work nights and weekends, which are the times i need free....but since im on hiatus, what does it matter.....its all part of the mission....the journey...
right?
i even dressed cute and stylish so to look the part....gave my app to at least one manager of a store i am frequent shopper at and she didnt even flinch....i wondered would i ever hear from these people....i wondered when i call them, cause i will call them next week, what will happen....its hard to feel so damn defeated....like there isn't a win situation about to take place....
and on days like today, its hard not to let it bother me....
its hard to stay out of them damn stripper heels and to be honest...if i even thought that i could deal with strange hands rubbing on me again for measily dollar bills, i would.....i would sacrifice whatever respect i might be up for losing and just write a poem about it...i would go....but i know me and the person i was then is not who i am now and i know the things that go on in the club and i can't deal with it...i would be done flipped out on someone, seriously....
but that doesnt stop me from thinking about it....hitting the club, making a few dollars, then stopping by the open mic to do Promised Land....go figure....i could easily pay for the studio or getting my book out....i could cut a lot of stress from my mind....i could get off food stamps which has its own silent way of degrading me...
....my lights are going to be turned off at any moment....
any...once they are off, i'm just leaving...i went for assistance and got fifty bucks....too bad my bill was more than that....ha....today i thought about doing some cold sales of my cd...i thought about going to midtown on sunday with cd's that had unreleased material on them and selling them....but i would feel too much like i had a motive for being there and ppl wouldnt like it.....
i'm having a bad day....this part of the journey is known as the "the struggle".....
and i dont have a doubt in my mind that i will make it out of it...i have before....thru much worse....but being in it makes you feel like there is no way out....no up....
no progress.....
today i feel defeated....i am an artist with high hopes and big dreams, but today i feel defeated....i feel shit out of luck....and them stripper shoes keep calling me...they promise to help me land on my feet..
wow...and thats the most legal of the things i have considered....
no shame here....i'm down...tomorrow i will probably be back up and running....
its just days like this that make me feel like my pen will run out of ink before i can get my feet back on solid, unshaky grounds.
nsay

1 comment:

  1. Be encouraged in all things you do... Half the battle is knowing what you need and want. The struggle is getting there honestly. Which you will. So turn a deaf ear to that trash bag in the closet in your dining room with about 50 outfits in it, as well as those 2 pairs of heels. They are like the devils whisper, they promising good things but you have to give up your soul to get it. Food stamps are to be a stepping stone in times of need, and if you need it don't deny yourself. Its there to use not abuse. As you said you have no doubts that you will make it out of this. Hold fast to what you believe is right and know that through god and strength you will be okay.

    Blessing,

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