Finding Peace within Love

Since i posted the last journal, several things have taken place.....the monkey on my back finally got his eviction notice....he has moved and been replaced by a more "normal" monkey....you know the kind that worry about bills, getting a job, sinking as opposed to swimming....and that sorta thing....

anyway..i'm just going to post this freewrite that i wrote a few nights ago after a meeting with someone important ...keeping in mind this is of no surprise to that person...they read this LONG before you will have.....i am only posting it because i want it to be known that i am not a nonforgiving person....and i accept fault when i am supposed to.....and i move on when i am supposed to....and something i realized...in the process of packing for this new journey....it wouldnt be as fun without the people i have come to know and love.....and with turmoil circuling some of my main relationships, the only way i can carefully make sure that i am making the right steps, is to clear my head so i can focus on the steps i'm making.....so in clearing my head, i cleared the air, the water and the bullshit off the table....i learned that the peace i was searching for in this situation would only be found thru my love.....while i can't undo the decisions and i still stand by them, i'd rather stand by my decisions next to my friend, rather than stand by my decisions and wonder if my friend misses me as much as i miss them!!! Geeez...life...friendships....its all crazy as hell....but thats what pens and paper are for!

he knows i love him.
peace ya'll....i'll be posting something more journey-related tomorrow...in a rush today....

FREEWRITE 4 ALLEN 9/20/2009 6:36:27 PM

u lay in the basket of flowers on my table

sit on my couch without my authorization

inside of secret times when I’m by myself

nothing to hide

no front to put up

I cried

Like it were the last time tears would be granted access to paint white streaks down my cheeks

I miss you in seconds that last longer than hours

So I run to you

Open armed


White flagging a trail back to the beginning

Digging holes in the ground trying to uncover where we parted pages

Stages just don’t shine the same when you’re across town

Meetings don’t go as easy when you’re not around

We had purpose

And perhaps we served it

But we made friendship like lovers make love




Cut our laughter’s orgasm short with arguments

But I stand at reconcile’s door knocking


I’m tiptoeing up the skirt of Ms. Flirt, trying to get a peek of the future

Will she birth the rebirth of our bond

Strong like steel panels that hold tight thru cyclones

You’re irreplaceable

A statue that someone stole from my front yard

I seek no replacement

I look at the hollowed out remains of where you stood and feel nauseous


I’m about to cry again

Losing a friend is like losing the limb you write with

Relearning what you already knew how to do is frustrating….

But the reward paints proud across your eyes

I closed my eyes and took to the skies inside of the words we fought with

Without armor

Guns blazing, cover me I’m going in….

Searching the burning building for my friend because he’s missing


And I’m missing


So we

Agree …..to move forward thru this life backwards at a slow speed, high rate

Some things just don’t make sense

But fate only lies, when its waiting

I’m shaking the blood off of my heart and the crust from my face

You have a place

Inside my heart

My mind

And my life

More than a brother

Less than a lover

A perfect imperfection that compliments the smiles I try to wear

Missing you is like waiting on sunshine to break 30 days of night

Sometimes we need people in our life

In order to make it fun

The war is over

and because we are just too irreplaceable…

I guess friendship has won!!!

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