Feelings...an underrated phenomenon

so its been said *by me* that im an emotional poet.....i write from my emotions...i dont talk much about political issues because the truth is...i dont get into much....i catch nuggets and i learn alot thru other ppl's poems, but i wont write about something that is not in my heart to write about or if i dont know what the hell i'm talking about....

so i just do me....my emotions and feelings.....and somehow i've still managed to get on a couple of ppl's favorite list and have also gained some fans in the process.....

i say this because, i FEEL like i live in a society where emotions and feelings get scooted under the rug and dismissed as childish....high school....who gives a damn about being hurt in 2010....sometimes i feel like its only me....and u know what...

thats cool....im tired of being patronized by ppl who tell me they love me, but have no concern for how they make me feel....usually this comes from men, but i have experienced it with a few females....i'm tired of being told, NO nsay...ur not supposed to talk about how you feel...just roll with the punches, because just because you feel that, doesnt mean i understand it, therefore, i dont want to hear it"....and to them i say Eff you....

plain and simple....today...i woke up FEELING good.....
yesterday, i left ball state FEELING ready to get out of Indy...not cause of anything that happened, just FEELING that itch more and more....
right now im FEELING like i dont give a damn about some stuff.....some stuff i do FEEL like i care about....weed makes me FEEL high....writing makes me FEEL amazing....
bullshit makes me FEEL shitty, patronizing makes me FEEL pissed.....sex FEELS good (with the right one) and death makes me FEEL hurt....

i often FEEL bad for how i FEEL and dont tell my inner most thoughts for fear that because it wont always be understood, it wont be respected.....today, i FEEL that at its highest peak....ppl dont give a damn if about your FEELINGS if they can't understand them....they dont FEEL its necessary to be bothered with ur feeelings....

i say all this....because at 31, i know the X & Y axis of my feelings and where they fall on my sleeves.....i dont apologize for FEELING....and honestly, i dont care if someone else doesnt understand it.....

sometimes u have to agree to disagree and move on with your life....which is exactly what im doing....im leaving all the past there...for good....i have officially had it with ass kissing and the ever so boring "pretending"....i dont have to pretend not to have FEELINGS ....i dont have to pretend not to FEEL hurt when i'm hurt, angry when i'm angry or joyful when i am....i have good days, bad ones and hump days that dont fall on wednesdays.....i am human, i am woman, i am an emotional unstable creature.....i love myself....i respect myself and try harder everyday to do a better job of both, than i did the day before....i am one of the easiest ppl to get along with and one of the nicest ppl to meet....of course thats a biased personal opinion, but i have never really had trouble on MY end of friendship....ahhh friendship....still in high school nsay???

thats how i feel like ppl look at me these days cause i have FEELINGS.....do i look i give a shit...damn...u cant see my face right now....well i dont .....i will always feel.....when my dad got released from jail, i FELT happy .....should i apologize...i performed today at a junior high for all boys and got a standing O from some of them....young and male and they stood up for me and my two little poems...i FELT stupendous...not cause of my ego, although it was FEELINGS great....but because i felt like i got thru to them with what i was saying and it showed me that, given the opportunity again, i could get thru even more.....what a wonderful FEELING.....

how easy emotions are counted off and dismissed is amazing and i havent found the poem to describe how i FEEL when those i love make me FEEL like my FEELINGS dont matter....in due time i guess....


but for now....
i offer this....

if i apologize for FEELING
i'm telling you know, i'm not being honest.....
cause im not sorry
dont want forgiveness.....
im in the trenches...
the gutter
im in the sky
flying
im on the plane thats crashing
im in the sea, swimming
i'm the picture, hung up and frozen to the wall.....
i am but a ball of emotions.....
from happy to sad from pissed to amazed, i am what i am
and everything about me is imperfect, just the way i like it....
my theme some is Krazy and tupac keeps me high
cause he feels my pain
they say rappers are supposed to be gangsta's
so they shot him for not holding his end of the bargain too well.....
well....
just like Kennedy....martin and malcom
put an X next to my name and bury me crying
like a injured soldier, life sometimes hurts
and i feel the pain
feel the windgust moving closer to the heaven skies,
i am a soaring bird, dropping her children
catch flight
find life
find love
remember
love is a feeling
so if its not wrong
whats so bad about the rest
forgive me please
for i am but a woman of the day and a sleeper of the night
can't find the pen i write with
or the glass i like to drink with
but i can always find my sleeves
invisible and rolled to my wrists
covering the ash not attacked with lotion
forgive me please
for never wanting to apologize....
and never planning to be sorry
for being in touch
with my emotions.