raw emotion

and as i start writing this, i think to myself, maybe i should have waited until i went and got the crangrape juice.....so i pause.

and now i return....wet mouth-ED...lol
....i should light the last little piece of pineapple express, but its just gonna make me sleepy and make me miss CSI....so i light my black instead....
...i've been in a funk since i got home.....not sure why....but just been feeling like i dont belong in the place i've put myself in.....or the world that i put myself in...i think i may have mentioned it on my last blog....but there's just been this funk surrounding me.....my house is lacking comfort in too many areas for me to be able to rest and clean off the funk, so its just been building up and around me like pigpen....

......went to midtown last night....couldnt stay for the whole night.....but still felt like i didnt belong anymore.....not sure why....its more to do with this stupid funk than anything else..

i've been checking my email for the past week, nearly nonstop, waiting to hear from the Arts Council to see if i made it to being a featured artist of 2010....i was really hoping for that....i guess you can tell by the tone of what i've written so far, what the outcome was....

checked my email about ten minutes ago and it was there....the computer generated, sorry not this time, response....lol.....my first instinct was to bust out in tears.....but then i thought....for what....its just gonna make me feel this blow even more....so now i'm just sitting here.....heart beating all fast, trying to decide how it should function when my emotions don't even know what they are.....it beats accordingly i suppose....

.....so i'm just sitting here.....bent over my laptop, watching a rerun of law and order and trying to figure out how to make this "big break" possible.....i can't help but to wonder what about me wasnt good enough.....what about me isnt deserving enough.....if not me, then who.???....who wants it more than me right now??? I mean, i'm sure there IS someone, some where, but damn....can i get a break....
i'm moving from hurt to pissed to what difference does it make....
i know i know
im supposed to let this "be a reason to push me harder and farther"...i know that shit already!!!! I just fucking wanna know why is it, so many other people get all these avenues and breaks given to them....handed to them ......they get so many they pick and choose what and what not to do.....but lil old me....im over here trying and sweating and stressing.....can't get shit done cause i dont have the money to do shit....dreams are only free when they are still in your head....
i mean
damn
i just wanna scream and while the fuck out right now....i probably wont even post this blog to facebook....idk....its just raw....its how i'm feeling right now and i dont give a shit who thinks something is wrong with the fact that i am just disappointed....
.....damn
i go to get unemployment since they enacted a new extension for the people who've exhausted all of their extensions on former claims....that is me!!! if you are still unemployed, you can file again and get 20 weeks....i go to the office and they give me ONE FUCKING WEEK!!! of which, they say they overpaid my last claim, so they will essentially be keeping the week they are giving me!!! Me !! the one who can't even get a job at the mall!!! I'm just stressed and its not getting any better....
....its just stagnant....
....the tour was the shit, but even it didnt turn out like it was originally planned.....and though i have no regrets, i am honestly....HONESTLY....
starting to think that i'm just supposed to show up at coffee spots here and there and do a poem....like i'm not supposed to do this full time.....not because of this "struggle"....because of all the signs....but then i dont know how to read signs well anyway.......maybe this is the devil trying to throw me off course....idk...could be anything.....
..i just know right now
all i wanna do.....is be a professional successful poet....
i wanna look back at these blogs and remember the times, and appreciate the times...i want to be desired...not picked over like i'm not up to parr!!!....everything since the summer has been ground zero for me.....
....minus a couple special incidents....
....i dont know if i should cry....or rejoice....all i know....is i'm about to light a black and let this whole last 7 days sink in.....operation self motivation is gonna have to go into effect before the night is over....cause at this point, im just really over feeling like maybe i was wrong....i feel like erasing both my twitter page and my facebook and letting this blog be my only communication to the outside.....i'm damn near sinking into depression and its like i can do nothing to stop it....its all happening too damn fast....my finances are in disarray, its almost time for school and i need to get it paid, i need to pay my gas bill, so i can have gas...i need my plumbing redone....damn near need a mouse detective in here.....cant work on my cd, cause of my finances.....cant work on my book....my jump drive erased all three of the books that were damn near completed, plus a ton of other important information....i mean got-damn!!!! when does the drama let the fuck up....and now this....
im just tired of this shit....straight up....
and yes, i feel like giving up.....i really honestly do...i feel like walking away and becoming a figment of everyone's imagination....a "whatever happened to...." conversation....i feel like this was all a dream and i'm finally waking up and realizing nsaychable never really existed....
and my ship
was actually a tugboat
nsay