random thoughts Vol 204

I remember just like ya'll do....saturday mornings USED to be the shit....garfield 8am....he used to be an hour long, but then they made it 30 minutes.....can't remember what filled up my 830 to 10am time, but there WAS definitely something.....then at 10am....i'd go back and forth between ABC and NBC....Bugs Bunny and friends was (and is still) one my favorite cartoons....bugs was just on one....and i loved him....
....but Saved By the Bell was competing for my attention at ten, with two back to back episodes....i was in love with Slater and Zack and wished i had Lisa's beautiful real hair....thats an old school saturday morning.....at least when you are approaching 31.....

today's saturday has so much bullshit on it from old ass syndication episodes of Thats So Raven and Miley Cyrus and some of the dumbest cartoons i've ever flipped past....my tv now is on the Suite Life of Zach and Cody, who i think should have remained the cutie pies from Big Brother or whatever that Adam Sandler movie was.....cause now....hmmm.....lets just mushrooms should remain on.....nevermind.....

digressing

i say all that to say i am bored as shit, so i decided to blog.....its a quarter till noon and i have nothing to do, or no where to go....didnt go to WriteOn last night and Earth House wasnt open after all.....i spent my night toggling between sleeping and catching mice....i live on the set of mickey mouse now, so go figure.....sometimes i REALLY hate it here....others i am ok.....i have never lived in such slums before so i'm a bit shell shocked about this whole situation.....from the faulty plumbing to the lack of .....nevermind

digressing....

should my mom read this she would swear i was ungrateful and undeserving of such beautiful living quaters.....HA....i on the other hand am very grateful and would love to turn this house into a home.....but getting past the fact that i can't shower or take a fucking bath here is a big obstacle....especially when my STEPfather is a plumber.....yeah....looks like i said it anyway.....she won't be reading....none of this is what i was planning on blogging about .....but today is just one of those days.....one of those days where i dont understand my stepdad and i really wish i could see my real one.....cause i know above all things, what our relationship consists of and what its about.....he aint shit....he knows it....i resent him for always fathering other ppl's children, and he knows it.....but he loves me....in his own way...and i know it.....and if he knew how to fix this shit, i know he would.....i dont know shit about my stepdad....i am pretty sure he thinks i am not deserving of free air.....he complains STILL TO THIS DAY about me making him pay five bucks for my stupid cd.....lets include he bought it when it first came out and FW was still recouping the money spent....NO ONE GOT  FREE CD....

its hard to feel like the main men in my life have always dropped the ball on my toes and then stood laughing at me......it hurts even more when i see that im the only person that gives a shit about it....

digressing for real....

i better stop....looks like this is turning into a journal entry rather than a blog.....this will be the one my mom would read too....lol....i dont care.....she's in denial of how i feel and how this makes me feel.....as a woman and a female who has never gotten real respect from her father, brother or stepdad....the only blood related man that i think showed me real love is dead and gone.....and then there's my uncle, but he spends so much time disrespecting my aunt that its hard for me to get beyond that these days....having been there myself and all.....

ok....so my original blog concept was to discuss the things i have on the horizon in 2010.....i wanted to talk about how exhausting it is to enter a contest.....
.....its the waiting process.....the email checking process....the "did they contact me yet" process....i have checked my email every single day since submitting myself for the 2010 Arts Council's featured artists.....im hoping and praying i get picked, but who knows what will happen.....then i entered the Moving Forwards contest....i wont know anything from that until fucking March!!!! ....so imagine that....for that contest, you win $1,000 and a permanent display of your poem on the new bus shelters they will begin building on the Monon Trail.....i REALLY want that...soooo bad, but its no telling how many ppl entered that one....im confident about my poem  though....i think thats the only two contests that are driving me crazy.....
oh

then there's the 2010 Fringe Fest.....i have been waiting on this application for several months now and its finally available......i have until february to have it turned in.....here's the catch....i have the show concept, but i have to complete it and write it out on the app.....but the application fee is FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS!!! ...which is not bad if you get picked because the artists keep 100% of the door.....so operation get employed is in full effect....went to sign up for that new unemployment extension and they gave me one week !!! LMAO....thats the equivalent of giving someone ten dollars in food stamps.....and they WILL do that too....the government's got plenty of jokes at the poor's expense....

but the exposure in the Fringe Fest would be ridiculous....i have to be a part of it....now doubt....or at least try.....so im not tripping.....

thats where i am today.....toggling between the life of a poet who has absolutely nothing to do today or tonight and is NOT enjoying being back home at all and the life of daughter who feels more like Cinderalla....

and this too shall pass

but if my pen should run out of ink before i make it back to the page, let it be said that all i wanted was a stage, a mic and an audience....but a working shower wouldnt be too bad either!
nsay