random thoughts

my insecurities are crazy

they pop up at the most unsuspecting times.....how unoriginal of them.....they get inside of me and begin to fester.....causing me to feel somewhat nauseous....or however that word is spelled.....they have babies inside of me....little, tiny, microscopic insecure babies.....then they all gear up at the starting line and once the gun is blown, they start biting me....all over the place....

on my hands first....my hands, or better yet, my left hand, is what creates the very thing i get most insecure about....people dont understand and i wonder if they even believe me, but im not always, or quite possibly, not usually impressed by my own shit....i dont rave about my poems because alot of times, i think they are just weird.....i think that people wont get it, or will think i've gone to far or maybe not far enough....so it always surprises me when people call me their favorite poet, and arent just saying a tagline i once created.....when they tell me they were touched by my poems, it trips me out.....sometimes i almost want to stand back and re-read the stuff to make sure i wrote it.....just because....
im insecure alot

my brain....insecurity attacks me.....takes chunks of my brain out in one bite.....i can be anywhere and suddenly will begin asking myself what the hell im doing there.....poetry is the only thing i am secure of....and thats the most crazy because its the one thing im most insecure about.....i think thats why its so important to me that people support me, i.e. family, because i need it....not want it....well maybe i dont NEED it either, but i damn sure feel like i do.....i sat in poetry tonight going over my memorized poems, trying to decide what the hell to do for an audience who has never seen me....this wasnt the place to pull out soft self healing poems....this is "make an impression" time....i want to be remembered even when im not here....i want them to remember my name so if someone else ever asks them, they can say OH YEAH!!!! lol.....i went with preaching to the choir......by the time the poem was over, i had a standing ovation out of washington, dc.....i sold one cd.....and then got bite again....

i began wondering again if this is the right ship....should i be unloading at the dock.....should i get a real job??? ....but if that was my calling, wouldnt i have gotten hired for any one of the hundreds of positions i applied for...so if its not poetry, what the hell is it....

and im so insecure sometimes, that i cant see the forest for the trees....i can't see the bigger picture or the dues that i have to pay in order to be paid.....i can't see the trenches i have to roll around in.....and by that i mean the struggle....the process of becoming a household name is not as easy as a 30 second spot in between CSI breaks.....

i did good tonight....not in cd sales by any means, but i pray before each show i do and when i pray, asking for cd sales is the last thing i ask for and the most wavering.....i ask God to make that call himself, but to please just let me touch someone with what i say....let me pick the right poem, and talk to the people who need it the most....i asked and received that with no problem.....when i got done and the people were standing it was overwhelming....i kept my poker face on, but i swear i just wanted to run over to them all in tears thanking them .....and persuading them to take me home for a lifetime for ten dollars....
lol
that didnt sound right
hhahahahaha

since i left Fighting Words, i have struggled with whether or not i can do this on my own.....i have yet to record my first whole cd.....something that i've been ready to do.....and the bad thing is that i dont see a date in the near future for me to begin.....
no money, mo problems!!!
thats the name of MY song

i have questioned how i can make things work....how i can be who i want to be, get to where im trying to get to and it work out....
and i think it would if i could just get a fucking rabies shot.....
its nearing 2 am and im super sleepy....dont even know how i lasted this long.....i dont know what tomorrow will bring.....could wind up at home, could wind up in Philly.....we have yet to see.....

in the event i wind up at home, i probably will give in to the temptation of no longer trying to make this full time.....i will go back to the job hunt, which i will have to do anyway because i just need a bigger more trustworthy income.....but in todays job market, no income is trustworthy...

im soooooo sleepy, that im not even looking as i type....my head is on the pillow, eyes closed....legs crossed and up...im laying on my stomach trying to will the positive light back into my head....i hope it will be there when i wake up....im not down....upset or anything

the spot tonight, Verses, was hot....it was downstairs in a cave....literally.....a real cave....but it looked more like we were inside of a treehouse....!!! it was super dope....but they have a nice vibe....lots and lots of singers, but the funny thing is all their singers could sing....!!!! GOOD TOO!!!

i could keep going but im just too freaking sleepy.....i made it to the white house today....stood in front of baracks home fighting back tears.....what a moment....

now im in the bed in this hot ass room, just laying.....trying to cure the insecure rabies that are wishing they could run rampant through my body, stuck somewhere in insecurity purgatory.....gabby is sleep.....she's sick so she's been doing plenty of that....lol....idk...i thnk im done....

for now...