11.27.2009

Daughter of a Rolling Stone

Today has been a weird day....
not weird in the things that have happened....nothing has "happened"....but "feelings" wise, its been weird....i liken it to the Twilight Zone.....days like today are the reason i say thats where i live......i think the Earth House open mic is tonight, and i know WriteOn is open......
part of me wants to go to one if not both
the other part of me doesnt
weird day
feelings-wise
last night i wrote a blog about texting during poetry, which was met with some rather interesting responses to say the least....no one's response surprised me so to speak, but after about the third one, i was started feeling weird.....
when met with opposition, my opinions usually whisper to me that they were better left unsaid.....my horoscope, which i dont read and only read because it was there on my homepage, spoke of this situation....of me speaking my mind to people, in hopes that it will spark change, but it said that i did it wrong....hmmm
but i had already posted the blog, yet probably, even though i dont read or believe in horoscopes, i would have saved the blog for myself, had i read that first.....
funny thing is, i kept questioning myself throughout the whole blog....i kept wondering did it read in an alienating way....i wasnt trying to make it seem as though this was a disease that i wasnt a sufferer of.....and i know i mentioned it several times in the blog itself, as well as on fb, when i tagged people on it.....so there is no doubt in my mind, that if anyone felt like my finger wasnt directed towards myself, then they need to seek literacy assistance.....but thats just my thinking.....that damn horoscope had me taking several xtra blinks on this whole thing
.....a million and one excuses can be given as to why its ok to be looking at your phone when someone is on stage and how its not really that disrespectful, but that wont change my thinking.....and i guess if they can't change mine, i shouldnt expect to change theirs...."theirs" being whoever ....
i started wishing i hadn't have posted the blog.....but then i remembered who i am .....i am a person who sits in the front row of the Silence Hall all the time....
daily even
i am the person who allows so many others to run over me, talk crap, act ignorant, be disrespectful or whatever....and usually i dont say anything....it takes soooo much to pull out of me whats really bugging me in my personal life....i dont like confrontations....i dont like arguing or situations....
i hate situations...but one thing i have turned out to be pretty good at is speaking up for others....
which is quite ironic....some people know this, some dont, but the reason i never perform Say Something, is because its a preach i dont practice......i really dont....i have never been a big fan of that poem either....and i think subconsciously, its because it speaks on something i dont do ....
i dont say something
i dont speak up
i let shit happen
over and over
until i am about to combust and can't hold anything anymore.....strange
but where "others" are concerned
i got it.....i will write, spit, perform, dance a jig or shuck and jive for someone else's cause.....have been ready to bust a nigga's head over my friends...literally.....while my man is somewhere touring someone else's boyshorts...
and in this case...thats what i was doing, yet again.....speaking up for everyone else....this time, myself happened to be included on both ends....but i was thinking from other people's perspectives...i thought...
....sometimes i dont read people right....
today, i feel as though maybe i misspoke and made a bad judgement in releasing that blog and those truly personal opinions.....but i am not sorry for it.....
weird feelings....told you....
....sometimes it is just me on this island....i guess in this day and age, you either roll with the punches or get knocked out.....lol....
my point of even saying this is not to subliminally offer an I'm sorry.....cause like i said, i'm not.....i probably wont even tag the same people on this blog....not because i dont want them to read it....because this blog is less about a message i was hoping to get out, and more about blogging....plain and simple...
and the people who read my blog all the time get to read it....no sense in making those who otherwise dont visit, come back....i am a firm believer in those that are supposed to see it, hear it, witness it, usually do....
weird feelings
honestly....i just feel so alone today.....not because of the blog....it didnt help, but its not the sole purpose....there is just something in my water that has me feeling like the black sheep......irrelevant.....
like if i fell off the face of the earth, few would notice, less would be affected.....
and i know better...im just saying what im "feeling".....and i said already it was weird....
.....i hurt inside because i no longer feel the same connection to Midtown that i used to feel.....it started a long time ago though.....sometimes, on days like today, i think about it....others i dont.....but change is something that humans dont adjust to lightly....
...so much is constantly changing for me.....especially with this poetry....this full time spoken word artist thing is crazy...."chasing the stardom will turn you to a maniac" ....
i know right, Kanye
.....i feel like i am slowly becoming disconnected by the world i became so involved in....and i think its more me, and less them, but i think its the person i'm steadily growing into and my constantly changing views....
..opinions....
sometimes i make myself think that i dont belong just because i dont agree with the masses.....but to be honest...i've never found a place i've belonged at.....dont belong in my family....but i'm here....
in it...
none of them agree with me....about much of anything....they dont understand me....dont get me...like the things i like....dream the dreams i dream.....or love the way i love....but we are still connected....
....thats how i'm starting to feel about the world i created around my bullshit...
...now i finally undestand my dad....
he was a rolling stone
where ever he laid his hat was his home.

maybe i will go to poetry tonight....though i still doubt it....doubt i'll be feeling up to talking...just wanna listen....but be unseen....if i can figure that out, i'll be out....if not....
my stone will be stopping here for the night.


aaaah.....*exhales deeply* feel better already
and if my pen should run out of ink, let it be noted that all i ever had to offer this world, was loose change.

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