Epiphany

so i'm trying hard to get this Violet Project Poem in my head....wrote it sometime last week....its called....
wow
thats interesting...it has no title.....i think i'll call it Epiphany....yeah....
thats dope
so....its really nice....or so i think.....well actually.....at this point, i've listened to it in my head so much that its not that attractive to me anymore, but i was told by at least one person that if i didnt do it at the Violet Project, she would be ready to fight me.....sooooooo.....
and we're good friends....lol
so i dont want to go thru that kinda thing....i'd rather just do it.....can't read it by any means though...i HAVE to know this poem by heart...no choice.....and i got a good memorizing "catchy phrase" from Daynomi.....something someone told her.....she said, don't practice it until you know it, practice until you can't get it wrong....or somethig very similar to that....
so thats what im over here aiming for tonight.....operation K.I.M.....and its really dope.....well...its draining....this is probably one of the most personal poems i've ever shared....i've written personal a thousand times....but sharing them is another....
like this is down to the core personal.....
sometimes i guess i forget i was a victim at some point of domestic abuse and emotional abuse....and even now
....when i think about it...i wonder if i am overreacting by feeling that way...i wonder if i am making it more than what it was, but i have always taken my share of responsibility in contributing to the violence....i was very violent....i had lost control....but i had lost me....things were just happening.....and once they started, i couldnt stop them.....but it always ended up going to far......and sometimes, i didnt cause it.....it really wasnt my fault.....i remember us getting into a fist fight one night after i came home from the club.....he was there, in bed....a.place very foreign to him.....it must have been two or three when i got in....not really expecting him, but not tripping on him being there......we ended up arguing, not because i went out, but because i let the girl i went out with, come in to use the bathroom.....
and some how that escalated to us fighting.....i can't even count all the times i thought he was going to kill me...like seriously, kill me....bye bye kendria type of kill me.....live no more type of kill me.....thank God i'm here....type of kill me.....
we were seriously poison to each other.....plain and simple.....and he's forever embedded in my head....im starting my poem off with a journal entry from that particular relationship....its an actual entry, nothing i concocted for the VP...like the poem....but even the poem.....the poem is every bit us.....
every bit.....
i wrote it from that period of my life....i am going to perform it as that girl.....which is where the journal entry came from because it will help place me where i need to be.....i want the emotion of a battered woman to be felt throughout the room that night....because i had no one to lean on....no one knew....no on had a clue....poetry gets all the credit with God for pulling me back to life....thats what im so attached to poetry....
THATS why stuff means so much to me and im so hard on everything and i take it so personal....because i have always felt like i owed "poetry" something ....i owed her something, my life on a stake, because she saved me and i dont go around saying that for kicks....
or cliches....
the journal entry i will be reading is during the year i started performing....i lived for sunday nights at the Cozy because those were the nights i got to become someone else....i had my voice back, my big girl shoes on and people kinda liked it.....and they listened....and there was no yelling.....but i'd spend the next six days in turmoil.....switching between fistfights, tears and fear.....
and writing
.....i say all that to say....i lost my footing yesterday....
and the day before
the featured artist thing really was and still is a big hard blow....
and it sent me there.....and im not sorry...its how i was feeling.....sometimes you, or at least I, get all the way beneath the mud before i start to climb out.....
...but i had a big blessing come to my door yesterday....a big big blessing....and all i know is the person that delivered it, but those that helped make it possible, i am unaware of......i hope they read my blog....because that became the gleam of light again......it was dark as shit in this house!!!!
and then that light came on......it gave me a push....that very push i always  try to give others....and then today i got another nudge....
it has to be forward....
so im going to practice my poem.
send out my congratulations
and do me
the best and only way i know how

nsay