Reasoning

so i read this comment that my mother put up behind my freewrite poem, Underneath a Pile of Bullshit....she seemed to think i was talking negatively or "spreading lies" about her.....what...i speak more on me in this poem than anything....but thats besides the point.....

as i was reading thru her comments, which granted her an exclusive all access pass to the delete room, i couldnt help but laugh......people have been calling and texting all morning....stacy even left me a voicemail crying.....and as i read thru it, i laughed....and smiled....but i think its because i know her, i know us, and they dont.....my mom did her best job to date trying to make my people see the person that she allegedly sees.....and i give her credit...i dont know who it worked on, but its possible it could have....it was very mean.....hateful....wrapped in an i love you sweatervest....but half of it was a lie, part of it was decorated with extra's and the rest had an entire story left off of it....now i originally felt i didnt owe anyone an explanation about it, but i can't help the desire to just clear a few things up....because what she is trying to do is paint me as someone who cares about outsiders more than family.....and its ironic because i just told Gabby last night, the people that like me, see the side of me she wishes existed....and she doesnt like me, so she doesnt see that...i dont go and just hang out with people who dont like me..." and then low and behold, she finally admits it, on facebook of all places.....

i didnt write that poem as an all out assualt on her....that poem is about knowing that no matter what anyone else says or thinks, i know i am a changed woman and still changing....and some areas are not complete...i am a work in progress, but im a work and im progressing nonetheless.....i love my family....but i dont have a family bond with most of them.....and its a very small family.....i refer to my mom and my grandmother as the firing squad, because being with them is just like being in front of one.....they will twist any story around to make it fit their mood.....my mom says i went spending money on tour, when she knows damn well, because i talked to her and she offered to send us money, that i didnt go on tour with ANYTHING....the money i had collected from midtown was spent on the first tour in NC....

my mother claims i have never even so much as given her a card on her birthday or christmas and how much that hurts and i almost gagged on my water....hell i brought in Bashiri on credit to sing to her this past bday....and im not going to go into detail on everything i've ever bought her because its not that serious, but there is absolutely NO truth in that.....there is NO truth in me turning my house into a whore/drug house.....my boyfriend was a drug dealer, yes, but it was NEVER around me....we didnt turn that house into anything....i mean....that particular lie, i dont even know where she got it from.....THATS the kind of stuff that i mean when i left the status comment on facebook saying when your family tells outright bold lies on you, etc...... thats the kind of stuff that makes me write them poems.....

not only why would you say that, but why would you want anyone to think that....my mother was a victim of domestic abuse, but her thoughts on me staying in an abusive relationship are, i'll send him some comminsary, or however that word is spelled, i dont use it.... im going to stop there....but my point of saying that is to show you an example of whats happening.....after reading her comments, if someone feels different about me, then thats cool, but it doesnt mean i havent grown....i have never been afraid of taking my punishment like a woman.....i let my gas get cut off, so i have been braving this cold at home.....not because im looking for sympathy....because i got myself into it and its up to me to figure it out....and i usually do....my mother knows how hard i've looked for a job...but then again, thats a lie...no she doesnt....i dont tell her.....she does know how much i have worked since i've been next door to her...i've had three jobs...when i moved over here, i'd just lost the steady i'd had for the past year....so i tried to take it as a sign in late summer and go hard on poetry....now i'm back looking for a job...its not that easy to get one right now....or maybe its me...but its not from lack of trying....
the same with anything else.....i given a lump sum of money recently to help me get my gas cut on.....i did not ask for it, i did not expect it....i really didnt want it....but i also didnt know what else to do...i wasnt really in the kind of position to turn it down...i felt like it was sign that things were headed upwards again.....and now the gas is on....the furnace is another story, but the gas is on....to those who did that, to those who donated for the tour, PLEASE dont ever think i expect money out of you....i dont...i dont make messes and wait for others to clean them...i sit in the mess until i figure it out....i am messy.....i toss clothes around and maybe will leave a cup out for longer than it should be....sometimes dog toys are everywhere and the carpet needs cleaning....she goes on to tell how she bought both of my computers and i'm using her wireless.....wtf....my desktop was a christmas gift and my laptop was stolen!!!!!! i didnt expect or ask for either of them, but i didnt have either so, i mean...damn...what am i supposed to do....as far as the wireless....please...its been two weeks, IF that long....i have never minded going to the library or the art museum...never....she wanted me to fix her wireless and see if i could get on it at home....now im using her ??  i know i seem to be explaining, but i just ...idk....im really self conscious and thats one of my personal secrets.....so im going to always think someone is thinking, nsay is blah blah blah...idk....its just not what she made it seem and idk...im just like damn...

but if you've ever been a consistent guest at my house, you know how it is when you come over.....and i'll be honest...i havent cleaned since i came back, but that may have something to do more with the temperature of the house than it does with me...my mother claims to have accepted me for who i am, but thats not true.....the most hurtful part of her email is when she said it was my "choice to tell her i was stripper right before she went in for surgery for breast cancer"..... thats hurtful because it proves to me that im right that she just wants to color me bad....i never told my mom....someone else did!!! when i went to visit her AFTER her surgery, she asked me if thats what i was doing....i didnt want to talk about it because of where we were....and to add insult to injury, when i found out my mom had breast cancer, she was going thru radiation....i was the LAST to know....imagine the wedge that drove in between us...then she says that as if i am just this mean spiteful person who has hate in my blood for her....wtf....im hurt, but this aint nothing that will hold me down....
thanks for reading
im done
this will make me stronger
stronger
stronger
and if my pen should run out of ink, let it be said that i really do love my mom and my family....but when ur back's against the wall, who can blame you for coming out swinging.?