honest moment. ..meditation isnt working YET.

I’m going to be honest.

I don’t think I will get to heaven.

I also don’t think I will successfully escape the demons that exist within me.  The anger, the lack of trust, the ever present emotional fire of hurt and misplaced love.   The lack of love that I feel from the world outside.  The curiousity I have about the things I shouldn’t even wonder about.  The desire to LIVE harder than Life will allow me too……all these things work against me. 

Often, I cant remember that I’ve forgiven the ones that hurt me the most.  Yesterday’s meditation was on forgiveness.  I don’t even know who to forgive first or how.  I don’t know why i feel like I’m wrong for feeling like people owe me an apology.  I don’t know what to do.  I’m attempting meditation in hopes to bridge the gap between whats real and what faux.   But right now, in this moment, I feel like the gap is forever.  ….and its possible that I will never overcome the hurdle that it is.  Now tomorrow, I might feel completely different.  Rejuvenated and strong again but today is a day of defeat.  I am “out of sight, out of mind” ….i am disposable …..seemingly to everyone I know with the exception of my Queen and my sis in ATL.  I could go thru a long list of friends that have made me feel like I had no worth or value in their life….same with boyfriends, loves, etc…..

Its like they say: everybody cant be wrong.  ….and if that is true, and everyone thinks I’m worthless, how in praytell does one  expect me to hold steadfast to positive thinking and good harmony in my self-esteem?

And just like that.

I have nothing else to say.