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Oh to be loved.

Sometimes I wonder if this isn’t a myth in my life.  I wonder if there is really a person somewhere out there, awaiting the moment he will finally find me. He’s supposed to find ME right?

Often, I find myself grooving to the beautiful sounds  of love from the writings and recordings of singers, who according to top hits and underground language, always manage to showcase the feeling of love and being loved so eloquently in bars of sixteens.  One of my favorite songs right now is Beyonce (yes Beyonce…unlike lots, I’m neither apart of her cult of followers or haters), “XO”.  I think the composition of the music screams love. A fun, fluid love that is full of motions. 

I listen to this song and wonder if that will ever be true for me.

Most times,

My internal answer is no.  If we create our reality, then it is quite possible that my subconscious has chased away the love of my life because I do NOT believe that he exists. I KNOW for fact that he is no where near the state lines of Indiana.  I’ve given up on every.single.man. in this city and truthfully speaking, not a single one of them has an opportunity with me.  I don’t even mean that like “I’m THAT girl and every man should be broken because  he stands no chance with the likes of me”; I’m not the shit like that. I’m a woman full of mistakes, a past, a following, a lot of confusion and emotions. I have flaws as much as the next person and I still believe that I am a good woman.  But to say that I am even WILLING to date or entertain any of these dudes in this city would be telling a lie to myself first. I will not give my number, body, emotions, time or otherwise any other part of me to any one in this city. I don’t need that shit.

Nor do I want it.

I want to just …..move.