Somewhat Broken Blog Silence ...ish.

* turns on “Let It Flow” (toni Braxton) *

“First thing Monday morning

I’m gonna pack my tears away

Got not cause to look back

I’m looking for me a better day

See the thing about love

Is that it’s not enough

If the only thing it brings you is pain

Comes a time when we can all make a change darlin’,

Just let go

Let it flow, let it flow, let.it.flow

Everythings gonna work out right you know.”

Words are so powerful and so often still so useless.  I’ve used so many words in the last year, that it scares me how many breathes, both spoken and written, that I have wasted.  Today marks the 8 day countdown until my 35^th birthday and I can’t remember this much emotional bullshit surrounding my new year AND new age before….a mile marking age at that.

I don’t even know what I want to say.

Or blog about …..

Its been a minute since I have done this.  Around my last normal blogging sessions, I was diving headfirst into something I saw to be the simplicity of beautiful.  It turned out, I was jumping in a shark tank with no protection or guards.  I let them all down.  I felt a sense of freedom leaving one situation and stumbled myself right into a whole something that has completely altered and changed the things I think, the faith I have in men (where I am concerned) and how I feel about myself.  The things I allowed to be apart of my life for the last almost year have amazed me.  The things I have done, the heights I went to and the depths I traveled, alone, are almost embarrassing to taste.  So I been struggling with swallowing my spit and inhaling fresh air. 

I’m hurting in an all new way.

Its not a “somebody hurt me’ type of way either…..although someone DID indeed hurt me to the bone, beyond any hurt I’ve experienced since around 04, but this isn’t about THEM hurting ME…..its more hurtful to know that I orchestrated this in my life…I allowed it in….i opened the door and walked away from it, controlling very little of what came in or whether or not mud was attached to any shoe bottoms…..

I have set some rolling stones in motion that have changed the way my heart beats…..have you ever experienced a hurting so bad that even when your mind so much as drifted in that direction, you could feel the change in your beat pattern ??? Or the rush of adrenaline in your arms to the point where you are shaking….that is happening right now as I type….

So I’m timidly tiptoeing across what I am choosing to share about what I am experiencing…..so as not to make someone I once referred to as my Professor look like the asshole I am convinced he is, I will be as vague as I can…..as much as I blame him for lack of honesty with me and for the way things went down and they definitely went down, I HAVE to be accountable.  I can’t turn 35 and not be.

I let this puppet show go on.

This should have ended very easily in August.  I have an exact date that it could have ended and been cordial and friendly.  Instead, for the last two weeks, I have had to work continuously at controlling my desire, a desire I can honestly say I have NEVER felt before, to fuck up things.

Like….to get revenge….

I have become privy to information that I don’t need to know.  But I know it.  I know the who’s, the where’s, I know where to find whoever it is I need or want to find……I always do.  I ALWAYS find out what I want to know…..

But I also know better.

Today ……

Today…….hmmmmm…… * kings of leon’s Arizona comes on *

The best way to describe me in my last 8 days of age 34 is to say I feel exactly like  Carrie did on Sex in the City when she turned 35.  I’ll quote her since I can’t get video to post (exclusive hbo rights nshit):

“I hate myself for saying this, but...
...it felt really sad
not to have a man in my life who cares about me.
No special guy to wish me happy birthday.
No goddamn soul mate.
I don't even know if I believe in soul mates.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HCGPJLeWrPc

Its not about me not ‘having a man’…..its more about after all this, after all the love I’ve given or at least tried to give….after all the sacrifice and putting others first, which I know is not the recipe to receive, but after all of this, all the belief I’ve maintained, the opitimism and the benefits of the doubts, I still am special to no one.

Someone I fell in love with found me unlovable…..perhaps.  He says he loves me and our love just didn’t match up. LOL.   But in my mind, it unravels as ‘he found me unlovable’ to a point of purchasing another woman gifts while I’m still shooting baskets for the team.  Who knew there was a real TEAM ??? Lol.

We had no labels.  So I get it.  But if you were dishing out gifts for the new year, how is it that I was NOT on that list ??? How is it that time after time after time I end up being the woman they DO NOT see??   The one they don’t mind or even second guess hurting ??? Is it because they think I can handle it ? People have told me men are intimidated by me and I completely disagree and always have….

I think some men see me as a conquest.

They dig and probe to undo the things I write myself in poems….the queens I call all of us and myself at the same time is what intrigues them. They seek to destroy her, maybe by accident, maybe by design of life……but that’s what it ends up seeming like.  I wonder if I will ever be a healthy woman for a man to love at all because all the shit I have collected and now this has depleted me.  I am not low on my self esteem but my ego is crushed….i can’t lie.  To see another female RECEIVE while I am sitting here with a cheerleading outfit on and making MY problems bigger by attempting to help others fix theirs, was world shattering.  You know why ? Because at this point in life, its like……mannnnnn, will there ever be ONE who SEES my Light ??? Who I inspire ??? Who I, thru my own existence, encourage to show me affectionate tokens of ‘just thought about u’……man, that shit hurt worse than the facts themselves.  That I could exert this much energy in someone and they KNOW it, then pretend I was never here….

Ahhhhhh….

I know I will be ok and will get better by the days…..and my shows are about to be amazing.  And my pen FINALLY started back moving. ….and I’m glad of it….but I’m hurting so much I can’t even hide it.  I can’t even contain it or stop it from centering itself in bad places and spaces…..i am desiring less and less to be around people, because I have so much broken trust in general, that I think my energy is off…….and then I feel like Carrie.

Like its just me.  Holding myself, rocking myself, giving myself my own orgasms.  Its like, no one ever truly wants to work for me.  And it makes me wonder whats wrong with me ?

And now I’m turning 35 in the midst of being essentially bruised and hurting in a way that I am attempting to overlook BEFORE I turn 35 but that I am supremely struggling with.  I keep praying….

And I’m scared I will fuck 35 up in the same way.

But I know I have to speak life over myself at all times……

I just needed to vent this I guess…..my adrenaline has slowed.  Today, the man that I fell in love with, who didn’t or couldn’t love me back, is celebrating his BAE’s birthday.   I wish them a wonderful day. 

I need not think about that shit.

Or her address……

Yep. Iknow.  Don’t judge me.

I will keep my focus on my show. …and embracing 35. 
Should be a nice show coming up 2/7/14.

~Jae.