Sitting here with tears streaming down my face and millions of miles per hour…..the time is 1115…..
so much is on my mind right now…so many people are on my mind….I’m running thru the list of mistakes I have made over the years….trying to find understanding from the things I’ve done or said, the places I’ve been and those I have failed, hurt or otherwise made feel less that wonderful…..
and I’m not upset that I’m lonely, I just wish there was someone I could call, someone I could sit next to and not have to shed these tears in solitude….I wish someone was here to take away the pain, if only briefly…I wish that a shoulder was present, that someone would give me reason to laugh, or smile or giggle thru the tears……
Someone who Wild Horses couldn’t drag away from me…..
In the last year, I’ve come to the conclusion I’m not meant to be married…..that I’m not “created” for someone…..not for motherhood, not for wife status…..and that LOVE in itself may be something I only get to experience thru friendship and family……
my fam is in the middle of a warzone again…..lets get this clear….when I say “my family”, I am referring to a very small group of people, but the bulk of my maternal bloodline. We all live within a four block radius and in more than one case, next door to each other….its amazing how strained we are…..and it leaves something to be desired within me….so they, because this crap hardly ever includes me, are all at war with one another in some way for some reason that started some day or so ago…..and I’m sitting here, thinking about the aunt I blogged about a while back…..and wishing I had the power to be to her what I am to everyone else, because Lord knows she’s that and more to me…..but thru my strained family relationships, and lack of ability to allow any real emotion to be shown, any vulnerability to be seen, my aunt ends up with the shitty end of the stick from me by default….I mean I call, I talk to her, I take her what she needs, take her where she needs to go if she really goes….I try…but my emotions are stuck….and I hate that she feels like people hate her, and there is nothing I can do about it….
or nothing I know how to fix
and I guess I pissed off someone else today….totally non-family related….I just don’t fucking understand why…..
and that’s all I’m saying about that.
I just need a hug….like a genuine, arms wrapped tightly around me, forcing heartbeats to click together at the same on/off beat patterns…..I want to be comforted….
but alas, if I am not designed to share this life, then there is no reason I should be wishing I was.
As I sit here with my new Tiffany ring,
turquoise box looking at me
and a fistful of tears, I just for once, wish that love was not such a fucking chore…..as much as I root for and fight for love and try to push people to believe in it and keep the faith in love…I just wish that it would be a little bit easier for me…..at least in one avenue….I’ll even let it pick.
My house is changing …..my old furniture is gone….I have two more pieces headed out the door if I can find someone to move them out for me……tonight tho, I really feel like pushing this desk out the front door and off the hill…..just cause it might make me feel better….
new furniture will be here soon….new bedroom color…..new open spaces in the house will reveal themselves to two dogs awaiting a new WrestleMania zone…
but I’m still lonely.
And I love being alone…..
but there is a difference.
My loneliness isn’t about a man tho…..although I’d be another lie if I said I didn’t want to truly connect with someone….I just want to connect…..with someone who I like, who likes me…..and that shit is like pulling pussy hairs from a field of daisies….no pussy there right ?
my point exact.
but my loneliness is about something else….its about fearing the deaths of my family as they inch closer and closer to really old age….its from a strained relationship with a mom I live right next door to and would give anything in this fucking world, I mean, I would give up my ability to write if the rest of my life could be spent having a relationship with my mom like they have on TV……
its hard for me not to wonder is there something wrong with me….that I feel like my mom will never love me outside of a natural, almost instinctive love…..
no companionship, people are too untrusting to consider them good friends and I guess when you are too honest with people, that ruins friendships as well…..and I guess when you love too hard, it can backfire……my ex was my ex for the longest time EVER!!! What a bunch of wasted years and wasted times……I loved him…..as much as I knew how….as much as I could….I believed in him when he said lets give it one more try….and then he laid his cards out without ever realizing he sat at the table…..but I was lonely with him….completely lonely. So it was useless …..
its just me.
its me and my two dogs
and my new tiffany ring….a ring I bought solely to replace an ex…..a super old ex, who’s gifted ring to me was still making daily appearances on my hand out of habit. So I bought a cheap ring from Tiff that has New York New York engraved on it…..and hoped that the minute I looked at my hand, I would remember that I am right where I need to be….and that is closer to the future. Whatever and where ever it is.
my family feels states apart when they are really just next door and around the corner…..my love life is empty and my sex life was recently asked to be described in a movie title, of which I picked Ghost.
My hormones are raging, I want a hug.
But its just me.
and my two dogs
and my new tiffany ring and a room full of shoes that I can’t wear all in one day…..material shit is worthless…its pointless……love tho….
that shit is an addiction without warrant.
I crave you.
but today I decided to stop waiting for you to come to my bus stop.