4.28.2013

Flight of Love.

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Over the course of the last ye
ar or so, I think I began to emerge from my chrysalis…..for the first time…..everything I had been up until the moment that cocoon started cracking down the middle is what made me who I am…….and all of that made me, is everything I question
struggle to get over and around….move beyond….
the hurt is so unbelievable to deal with on a daily basis ….perhaps because there is so much…a great portion of which is and will remain unresolved for the rest of my life, and the deeper I travel into the power of words and performance, the more these things randomly present themselves in my life and I see mourning occur….
about things that I thought were dead…..I struggle to move on past things that are presented in my face on a daily basis and this blog is proof of that …..we all know my living situation is crucial….I refer to it as the Matrix……being in “the van’’ with my grandmother and mother is called The Firing Squad….self explanatory….and my life is often a tale of The Twilight Zone…..my full length book will be called Spit Bubbles….it all goes together and makes sense in the nucleus ball that configures the ME of today…..I guess…..idk if that paragraph even makes sense, but that’s exactly what I was just thinking….as I wrote it……I say all this to say this last year has been FULL…..of everything from laughter to bullshit and having my face SMASHED in it ……
its been difficult and fun at the same time…..lonely and loud …..nothing like a little bit of loud loneliness when you are laying next to someone to make you feel like less of a woman…tape dispensers, space heaters, back stabbing and subtle jabs that only few can catch have been the meat and potatoes on my plate at times…..its funny……we don’t really take the time to taste when we hungry…..we just eat….
and as we get full….whatever we are eating starts to have more and more of a louder taste….either good or bad….I’ve tasted both….and this has been the year two letting go of things that need to be let go of…..and I’m such a novice at letting go, that after doing so, it takes me a long time to firmly believe in mind, body and spirit that I did that right thing…..because we let go of things because we believe we can do better….no matter what they are, even beyond romantic relationships, we let go of cars, jobs, friends, family, clothing, hair, the list can go on…….
….because we believe we can do (or already have done) better….and I’ve questioned my belief more than a few times, as my wings poured from the cocoon of growth….can I REALLY do better ? ?? Will someone LIKE me, fuck love, enough to show up at SOMETHING ??? Could I get better than a tape dispenser ??? Could I get greater love than that which would willingly spill my personal secrets that they are PRIVILEDGED enough to know ??? Could I have or be a better friend and deserve someone who doesn’t love me per convenience ?? Could I get a car that works completely ?? Could I get more money at work ??? Shit…..
Its been a year I tell you…..
I’ve let  go….and I’ve done these things….I asked for a raise at work …..and got it…..I paid off a new car after scrapping the old one…..I let go of the person I referred to as Small Fries….and opened myself up for something w/a stronger bond than a piece of scotch tape….I stopped condoning foolish actions and stopped fucking with and entertaining bitch niggas and foolish bitches and there is no other way to put that. … * shrug *  …..and in the last few weeks, I have questioned myself on more than one occasion …….
before I could talk about the events of my Saturday evening and even before I can scroll thru the pictures, I had to acknowledge what has happened prior to last night….to explain why these tears are still right at the front doors of my eyes….
this emergence ….of me….of the great me, because there will only be one me so she might as well be GREAT ….right ? …I have learned to appreciate everything about me….my flaws, for real…..my highlights…..my body….which few know has always been a struggle for me as well…..just down to the way I look and the way I treat people….the fact that I know I try to make  growth happen in my life all the time, and its not about making sure people know I want to grow, but just doing so….these things have been my insecurities and likely still are…..but the flair ups are less….and the confidence is stronger…..and that always scares me because as I see and continue to deal with different types of egos, I become more aware of mine…..and keeping that muthafucka in check….
I welcome you to tell me, to my fACE, that my ego is getting out of hand….. SERIOUSLY> …..because I never want that….I never want that ugly …that some ugly shit…..but its necessary to balance the world out…..I aint out here doing nothing no one else ain’t or can’t be doing …..straight up ….
this is really just about me trying to enjoy my life…..what's left of it anyway…….so……the chrysalis opened…..
then out flew me…..and I’ve been flying…..and this is the most beautiful flight I’ve ever seen…..when I went to the Top of the Rock in NYC, as soon as I got to the top, I started crying…..go figure…..I was actually videoing and crying at the same time and you can hear it….lol…its on Facebook… smh….anyway, it was overwhelming…..the air up there….the silence, the lights, the altitude felt free….it felt like God’s concoction of love and wind and wine ……there were many people up there, but it felt like just me and New York…..it felt like just me and the universe…..it felt splendid
and so this flight has been my Top of the Rock experience…..
I love high places….
I wanna live high up, and make love in front of curtain less windows…..
I wanna experience highs as much as possible
flight
wind
wine and God as much as possible….
the negativity is needed to make this world tilt the right way…..the life I have led, Twilight Zone and all…..
have given me the weight to carry these wings…..and for real…..now, age 34….2013, I Kendria januarie York Smith, know that I have done something  * tears *  ……………………………………………magical in my life….something powerful enough to make a community of beautiful people come together to give me the one thing I am ALWAYS talking about……
LOVE.  and to prove to me that everything I let go of, was right.  I deserve better.
I deserve LOVE. And last night, it was in full bloom.

#TheScaryBeautiful.

1 comment:

  1. the love and struggle in the eyes of real. if people only knew. enjoyed the read! thanks!!

    ReplyDelete