Against A Crown Hill Concrete Slab

People wonder…..

I know they do….i can’t say, if I weren’t on the outside of my mind that I wouldn’t wonder as well….. “why the fuck is she always doing photoshoots and who does she think she is ??!!!”

I know somewhere, someone has wondered…even if its just one…I hope its just one.  Because its really a stupid question……the obvious answer is I’m always taking photoshoots because I’m a grown ass woman who  gets to do whatever the fuck she  chooses……but then, that last violent-ish sentence could be PMS inspired.  Yeah, I said that too…..

I think this will be a pretty filterless blog to say the least…..

I just changed my profile picture…..i look at profile pics like smileycons…..i know that’s crazy, but to me, pictures  tell my mood just as easily and more telling than a yellow cartoon face with a link to how I’m “feeling”….why not just use my face to convey how I’m feeling….when I’m down, there are a handful of pics I choose from to make my profile pics….when I’m beaming about The Sir, there are pics I choose from and I’ll be damned if he doesn’t know at least one of them is inspired by him…..sometimes I’m too obvious…..when I’m thinking of my mom, I use pics of us and so forth and etc…..point being, I change my profile pic as because I look at it and my cover pic as smiley faces and because I’m grown and I want to and can’t be bothered with what people think about that, just like I can’t be bothered with what reasoning people have taken the unnecessary time to create as to why I do photoshoots with seemingly little to no purpose.  Although, a lot of pictures from different photoshoots, even some in the bathroom, have been used….quiet as kept, one of my book photos is a bathroom studio session….LMAO! I mean, hey…..at least it doesn’t look it ….lol…..seriously tho, the reason I do photoshoots is one, I used to want to model.  But I’m too short and got too much meat on my bones, so that was never gonna happen in Haute Couture, so a part of it really is just me playing model and getting more and more comfy in my own skin, which is something I haven’t always partaken in.  But the main reason is to capture the glow of my emotion at that time.  Every time I do a shoot, there is an air of love, happiness, internal joy and peace living inside of me.  Each shoot, each dress and smile and pose and facial expression captures something  different that maybe no one else but me sees, but it takes a whole new journey when I look back at it.  I can remember the time and the place, where I was at mentally and what was happening around me.  Who was with me.  Who I was with……each shoot has the purpose of capturing those times for me because I have deemed them important enough that I need to be able to look back and venture into their memory with photogenic ease.  ….sometimes when I look over old shoots, I tear up at remembering what place I was at.  As much as they are about snapping a frozen shot of happiness or a ‘happy period’ of my life, sometimes these shoots have been a case of “show must go on’’ and when I see them, I am reminded of pains that were taking place underneath smiles and stretched arms.  I always got my arms stretched out.  Its my go-to pose when I can’t think of nothing else.  LOL. 

But that is the reason for my photoshoots, as if I needed to explain that.  This last shoot I did was about embracing me.  It does have an err of sexy-sauciness to it….i know.  * shrug *  But a part of it, the part that I see more than anything, is the part that hides the shadows of darkness.  The lone person in a long dark blurred out hallway of life.  Staring out the window for freedom….dressing for the part and relaxing for the incoming.  Idk, I see a lot more into these pics than what anyone else will.  Its just…..idk, so much deeper and with more meaning than looking at myself ….i’m not vain….i have a whole side of my body that I am insecure about …..i feel like my flaws show and everyone can see them ….everyone is staring at them……yeah, I go thru my own motions of ups and downs…..but none of this is even what I started blogging for.  I just changed my profile pic from an old picture of me and my mom, to one of my new pics and started writing.  That is what came out ^^^^

But what I wanted to talk about was how I got into a shouting match with my mom, over my dad’s house and ultimately ended up leaving out the house and walking home at ten at night, which ended up being a lot more paranoia-ing than I expected…..next time I end up in the car with that woman, I need to make sure to have my mace or my stun gun….because if I’m gonna need to break free from her, I need to at least feel secure in my walk.  Last night, I left out and ended up sitting at Crown Hill Cemetary, in front of the gate crying indefinitely. . …I just sat there, against the grey toned concrete slab, listening to the cars roar down 38^th street….i was near the corner and it was bright but no one could see me where I was sitting …..if I wanted to sleep there, I could have…..but it was cold and I live around the corner sooooooo, yeah.  Negative.  I stayed there for 15 or so minutes trying to gather my thoughts and figure out whether I needed to pray, jump in front of a car or wipe my face off, keep my eyes peeled for people walking behind me and STAND. …..i chose the latter…..

That woman will never know how much I really loved her.  Love her. 

And I will not tell her….and I’m not a bad person….but I won’t be beat up on…I won’t be the go to girl for a punching bag…I retired from that position…..i won’t be the great disappointment of the family and I wont take on living for no one else……I was recently sent an inbox by someone I once greatly respected around the poetry scene, of which changed after he referred to me and a friend of mine as bitches for laying on the ground eating  (like dogs, as he put it) ……that’s a long story….but this inbox I got from him, he referred to me as ungrateful and stupid.  And it made me think long and hard……I’m not the one to just get upset or mad…..and I’ve learned to not to respond immediately to stuff that makes me feel “some kind of way” …..so I thought on it …LONG.

Am I ungrateful and to how had he come to this conclusion ???? Am I stupid ??? And where did he get this from ???

I feel like I’m neither.

And I feel like he’s an asshole. 
And I feel like the poem I wrote in response will suffice as what I think about a preacher who continuously has to create a new following because of message gets lost in his translations…..sometimes you just shouldn’t eat the fucking chicken, but I digress…..

My whole point for bring that up is I know its ok to dismiss outsiders …..

But is it ok to dismiss moms ????

How on earth am I supposed to get by with NO relationship with my mom……I struggle nonstop with that….i live next door to my mom and there are days when I just know she wishes she had of aborted me…..and there are probably equal days that I wish she had have sucked it instead…..

She has a way of making me feel like I have accomplished NOTHING in my life.  And that I am of no good to this world. And I guess I have a way of making her feel like a “step parent” as she put it last night.  And I have a way of making her feel like she doesn’t matter……

But its pure accident….

I just flock to where the Light is….where the Love is….honestly, my mom is like a snuffer in my life…she snuffs out every ounce of a smile and happiness from me to a point that when I get around her, or in confined spaces with her, I say nothing at all to prevent my words being misused, mis-repeated, poorly handled or otherwise twisted to create some beautiful lie of a story.  But I am lonely for her……

I am lonely for my mother.

I am lonely for her to look at my pictures and think she created something beautiful…..to think that she did something great….that she brought Light to this world…..

I yearn for her acceptance …..for her to care about these tears ……and to be excited about my book…and these shows…..and this undying fight and desire in me to WIN…..to be successful….to make a fucking REAL difference….to not be guided by money but by my heart….why can’t she see that OR why can’t she see how hard I’m trying to fucking impress her….and for none of it, she cares….lol…..and for her to see me performing and FEEL something beautiful from it instead of a reason to get pissed off…..i wish for her to have been the person I needed when there was a deficit in my life….the things I want to say right here, shouldn’t’ even be said on this blog …..

So…..

I just yearn…..

For my mom and the audacity of her telling me she feels like a ‘step parent’ when I feel like the abortion she wishes she had’ve done herself is almost comical….but the tears remind me that no one is laughing…..i left her mothers day card in the mailbox this morning and thought to myself, if I could just move sooner than later, I will cut all ties with my mom….because as much as I love her, and I swear to Jesus Christ and back that I LOVE my mom so much…I NEED her so much ….i neeeeeeeed her……shit…..i wonder if anyone can feel that beat in my heart when I just typed that shit, I NEED my fucking mother so badly, that I could vomit about it right now cause I know I will never have her….everyone else can have her….but she will never give me anything more than materials……

I like my materials better when I get them myself…all I want from her is for her to be my fucking best friend…..i feel so internally lonely without it…I always have and I always will and I will always seek and lean toward the LIGHT and LOVE …where ever it is coming from …because I know I will never have it from where I need it….and idk if that’s good or bad, but its definitely the truth…..

…..but with all this, I refuse to let her emotionally kill off whats left of me.  And how does that even work ??? How do you CUT OFF your mom ??? I mean, what if something happens to her ??? What if something happens to me ??? She carried me here....gave me life....gave me food, nourishment, she's had my back when my finances failed or when i failed my finances, she bought my house to live in (which is 90% of the problem ...for now).....she has without a doubt done her best....but she has never really known what it was i NEEDED or provided it ......and i dont fault her for it......honestly, all i REALLY want, is for us to just.be.friends....SHIT>
....how much life do we have left ..>>????? Who would throw the biggest fit if something happened to the other ??? me or her ???? I think about that shit....i dont want to end this life w/o my mom in it but i dont know how to continue it with her in it .....MFFW.....i EXPLODED last night...like a bottle rocket.....or a molotov cocktail...i mean, once my mouth opened up and words came out, i couldnt stop and my voice got louder and louder and when i think back, what if something happened to my mom while i was at work ??? HOw i would i feel ???
Shit, how did i feel about walking home tho ???  If in the event i could have kids (or if i really can), i WILL NEVER let my daughter feel like i've been left to feel.....

MOtherless with a breathing mom. ...shit is bullshit.

So I will just keep changing my profile pics …..

And taking photoshoots trying to capture those times and moments where life feels good….when the smiles can be created and manipulated and played with….because God knows in MY particular life, there will always be a day around the corner where I might get in the car with my mom and end up sitting against a concrete slab at Crown Hill Cemetery crying……

And ultimately walking home….

Oh and the dude that stepped out the door and started walking behind me last night….yeah, I ALMOST wanted him to try something….THAT shit would have been on the news….

#End.

jY