Decomp 101

I knew nothing else in the world that would help but to write something. 

Hopefully this will not be a long blog.

Just an exorcism.

I’m big on those these days.

Push these feelings out of me and keep it moving. 

I have that ability sometimes.

Especially with death.

Unfortunately, with life, it can go either way.

Today.

In this moment.

I just experienced something.

While on lunch

Nothing “happened” so to speak.

I just felt like the statement was worded wrong.

And its not that.

His statement was really just fine

But if he loved me.

At all like he used to.

The statement would have been worded differently.  Man, what i would give to feel yoked with someone.  to feel like equals.  to be inspired...to inspire.  to be in something better than a Ex-Casket. 

The small statement of "what did you want" set forth something inside of me that is never too far behind

I won’t go into all the details

most of our "issues" were created YEARS ago....we've been in each others company consistently for over 2000 days.....u do the math.....i'm foolish.  always have been.  Have no idea HOW to let go what has LET GO of me.  But i've said that in poetry before so that should be no shocker.

None of what has happened already matters except for the fact that the way we are is a result of me.  Circa 2007.  Ever wish you didn’t meet someone yet?

We had AMAZING potential.  I guess if it was never in the cards, then the potential was never to be reached, however, we had amazing potential.

The notes

Left on the dresser

The love

Felt

The touching….the way we eyed each other.  Just the overall feeling of love itself, being sent back to me.  For once, I wasn’t just the giver.

I was receiving as well.  I still have all the letters.  
I"m so much stronger and more prideful than this relationdip showcases me as.

For the last two years, I’ve been decomposing. 

Slowly

I’m starting to smell myself and I smell rotten

He smells like rigor mortis

“we”

Are dead

A dead issue

A dead statement

Broken letters that can’t stand rightside up correctly

I’m a hanger

He is a shirt

Or a coat

Maybe a pair of pants that falls out the other end

Whatever the case

I’m left hanging

And he loves that about me

Respects the fact that I am so desperately seeking true love, reciprocity, so needy of male emotion and not sexually and not just from anyone but from someone who is able to love me with all my flaws……he respects the hell out of that.

Because that in itself

Allows me to be his hanger

And he clothes me when he wants

But he usually gone for 8 hours at a time.

Sometimes more

Sometimes he doesn’t return for awhile.

He needs washing

We are monogamous.

I really do not doubt that for a second

He could never get better than this.  Period.  I stand by that.  I’m an aquarian woman.  He knows that.  It has nothing to do with cheating.  It has everything to do with emotional abandonment and truth is.....i can't say i blame him.  if the shoe was on the other foot, i'd have abandoned ship long ago.  but he didnt.  and now. this.

sex is nothing without something to connect you besides organs.

I am connected to the love we USED to share

He is connected to his organs

Does he love me?

Probably

Is he the man for me?

No

Will he marry me?

No.

Will he ever love me again?

No.

Has he ever cheated on me?

Yes.

Do I know who it was?

Yes.

Have I cheated on him?

Yes.

Does he know?

Yes.

Why are we still together?

******************

We’re not.

We are decomposing. 

In other words

We’ve fallen apart.

Yet I am still here.  Smelling like used to be’s.

Timestamp 2:58pm.

NP: sia, breathe me.