(S)He Speaks: The Finale

(S)he Speaks: Hard Truth Thornton Dial Exhibit Cast (from l-r) januarieYork, M'reld Green, Georgia Me & Tasha Jones

It's been weeks now since the show....about two to be exact...funny...you work for so long, so hard on memorizing the poems and getting prepared for the show, both mentally and physically, and then BOOM! It happens...it goes so fast....the time speeds by, whereas only hours before, it seemed like a thousand days had passed while in anticipation.  But no matter the speed or the time stamp or the pumping adrenaline that shoots us thru the night so quick, it takes days to realize its all over, some of those moments are -
infinite

I was a bit melancholy about the Thornton Dial exhibit closing.  It was the final slice of cake; the topper or in otherwords, game over, operation: rely on memories time......it meant that the moment i was still beaming off of days later had actually come and gone already.....but that was true....somewhat....if some people are able to leave footprints on our souls, isn't a fair assumption to say some moments outlive us by lifetimes?  That night chart topped my list of "moments that will forever stick out", play by play mind you....i will never forget it....and i knew it....i felt so much pressure to nail this night.  Unlike I had ever experienced, i don't remember if i mentioned it or not in the other blog, but this night would mark the first time i had all of this in one place:
-family
-friends
-fans
-strangers
-people who i want to book me
-musicians
-multi-racial
and ....people i looked up/admire/was excited to meet

i was nervous....my outfit was long, too long in fact, so i had to grip each of the legs slightly when i walked to keep from tripping....i was nervous about tripping....but not as much physically as mentally...i had gone over and over and over this poem as much as humanely possible...i was disappointed in my meltdown, but i was more disappointed in the fact that i remembered a poem entitled "Parked Cars" that i was NOT trying to memorize better than i knew this poem....but i didnt have much time for that....i was second after tasha on the second go around....did i explain previously about Sunni Patterson???  Long story short, she wasn’t there and M'reld Green was….to say I was disappointed would be a bit of a lie because I was too excited and nervous to be disappointed about anything….i’ve learned the hard way that the show must go on, so I really didn’t possess the power to sit and be melancholy because Sunni wasn’t there….i just said to myself, we’ll perform together right when we are supposed to and kept it moving…fast forwarding:....it was my turn....
i walked out.....
i heard slight whispery cheers, which i took as the spirits of my people throwing all this wonderful energy to the room…I had already been out there once and left them pleased, but I did a no-brainer poem….it was time for the grand finale of my performance…the poem that had given me the blues, that I started writing randomly about 3 wks before the show….it started with one line: they say we are not artists, and my pen just took off….i hoped this poem would bring together two worlds, poetry and artistry, and mesh them into one piece about us being given the short shoulder when it comes to praising our work….i knew the poem…the entire poem was in my head….but …since I had been messing up every chance I got to rehearse, I feared the worse… i had to take it off my face that i was nervous, scared even...i couldnt let it show, couldnt let my legs wobble , didn't want to fumble the mic....but i did take a lil extra time messing with the mic....the acoustics were great, i didnt even need to be in front of it, but i ...i needed to be in front of it ; )
it was on....i rose my head up, as januarieYork, poet extraordinaire and took my place amongst my co-stars…..i inhaled, exhaled and slowly said: “they say we are not artist” …..i couldn’t see the poem in my head, which I usually can if I know it well enough…I can see it on the page as I go line for line, which can be a good or bad thing for my memory….this time, I saw nothing….i just kept it at a slow enough pace to be able to allow my memory to keep up with my lips, and fast enough to be delivered with power….as I got past each bump that had become my “troublesome” area’s, I internally heard a thunder of applause…..and then….i got to the end of the poem….the last few lines, the last stanza’s….piece of cake!!! Or so I thought....the line when:
“V for the Victory….we are displays of red splashes, yellow bursts of luminosity, burnt high heels and Mercedes benz emblems on fire, on canvass, we are artist, there is no more need to wonder….we are Hard Truth….ink rings on all ten fingers, and what God has joined together, let no man put asunder.”
After speaking “yellow bursts of luminosity” my mind pulled a blank out….i couldn’t remember it and I was NOT about to show it….i didn’t know it….and I was frustrated because it was the end of the piece and my favorite part of the poem….but it was blank….so I kept repeating we are Hard Truth in hopes that it would bring any one of those last lines back, preferably “there is no more need to wonder”…If I could have gotten that line back, I would have remembered the rest….but I couldn’t….and I wasn’t about to continue to mess up my poem with this freestyle rendition of repeating the same line, so I mentally gave up and shot straight down to “what God has joined together”….it was sad for me because I REALLY loved the line about ink rings being on all ten fingers, but it was gone as well….i scurried off the stage, fighting off my anger at my memory, caught a high five from one of my co-stars and caught the tail end of the cheers….seems like no one knew or loved it any less…..i was happy about that….but pissed about the fact that by the time I got to the green room, I remembered each line….but…such is life….it would NOT stop me from feeling what I was feeling….

Which was AMAZING…..GeorgiaMe complimented me again and butterflies went everywhere….the show was over shortly afterwards….Tasha introduced us all, explained what happened to Sunni Patterson, and brought me out first….it felt great….the room burst with applause and if you could have seen little Mario inside my eyes fighting the tears as I walked back out to take my seat on stage for the Q&A, you would surely call me a cheeseball…..we answered questions for about 20 mins…..and it was over….the blog is so long, I wont go into play by plays on the Q&A or all the hugs and power I received after we came off and even before we left the stage….but I will say this:

There is NOTHING in the world like knowing what you were born to do…
..there is something freeing about knowing your purpose…..but I’ve always been the underdog….in school, in friends, in life, just in general…I’ve often played the background, got the “well since she’s standing here” compliments…..i wanted to be friends with the cool kids, but I hardly was….i had my people and most of them were cool with the cool kids, but that hardly ever meant anything for me....i got dealt some interesting cards....always had just enough spades to win, but never knew how to play them and i dont mean people, i mean LIFE.... I’ve always gotten the last of the best so to speak….then where this poetry thing is concerned, I’ve played black light a lot….tending to only shine when other people turn all their lights off (or down)….but this night….was the night I was reborn in poetry ….i found my place…..found my rights….found my love again….geez it had been so long since I just FELT IT…..that night….i did…I felt covered in the essence of words, art, people, love and most of all, God…..it was priceless….i could keep going and going….but I’ll stop here by saying: (S)he Speaks: Hard Truth broke the IMA’s Saturday exhibit attendance records TWICE! We have been invited to N.Carolina’s exhibit as well as Atlanta’s exhibit.  ….its only the beginning…..

If I were the woman this year that I was last, I would blow this opp….but I am new woman every day….but this time, I am a determined woman….i am surrounded and ONLY want to be surrounded in successful people who know how to fall down and laugh their way back up…..i want to spend as much of the rest of my life smiling/laughing/living…..this one right here, catapulted me thru the end of the year in internal joy…..i thank the Lord above for my life, ups and downs….w/o it all, I wouldn’t know how much that night meant to me.
Its hard to believe it has passed already.
But luckily, its only the beginning.  Again.
To the top my lovelies!!!!
jY